What It Takes
Of Blood And Tears
Heechul
I rolled my eyes at Hannie's joke. Normally I probably would have laughed, or at least smiled, but I didn't have it in me today. Leeteuk had confided in me about Sungmin going to visit Kyuhyun today. I wouldn't show it, but I was worried. Sungmin took things really personally. Like, really personally. He had such a low self-esteem that it scared me sometimes.
I blinked as I felt myself being pulled to my feet. Hankyung entwined his fingers with mine and practically dragged me to the corner of the practice room, away from where the members were stretching and chatting. They didn't even bat an eyelash at me being hauled away. Those bastards.
"Yah, what'd you have to drag me over here for? I was perfectly fine over there." I muttered, practically to myself, but he overheard. Of course he did…
"Talk," he said simply but gently.
"Hannie, I know you know more Korean than that. Talk about what? About the weather?"
"About Sungmin visiting Kyu. I know it's bothering you."
I stared back at him. Sometimes, I forgot how damn perceptive he was.
"How did you-"
"Leeteuk isn't here because of a meeting. Sungmin is the only one not here. Both you and Leeteuk look worried about something."
"Sometimes I swear you can read my mind or something." I grumbled under my breath. He shot me a quick smirk before delving into my brain again.
"You know, he isn't as weak as you think he is," he said with a 'matter-of-fact' tone as though it were completely obvious. I just shook my head.
"I know he isn't weak."
"Then why are you worried about him?"
"You know why, so why are you asking me?" I huffed.
"You need to admit it to yourself. He isn't the impressionable trainee we knew three years ago. He's a man now." An image of young trainee Sungmin popped into my thoughts. Back then, he really was fragile. He never felt like he was good enough. He'd spend hours working on his vocals, his dancing, his 'special skills' and his martial arts. But he'd never think he was good enough. It wasn't until recently that he'd started to think that 'hey, maybe I am okay'. Though I think that was mostly due to an increase in his fanclub.
I had just opened my mouth to reply when Leeteuk walked in.
"Jeeze, took you long enough." I swung around to face him, but was caught off-guard as soon as I actually saw him. Leeteuk looked absolutely miserable. He looked as though he supported the infinite weight of the universe on his shoulders. It seemed he would collapse from the pressure at any second. "Jungsoo, are you okay?"
The rest of the room went quiet.
Kangin and Donghae almost immediately rushed to his side and ushered him into a chair. He attempted to brush them off, but it was obvious he was half-hearted about it. It was bad. Leeteuk always kept himself together, always. He was the glue that kept us as a functioning whole. I hadn't seen him fall apart this bad since the passing of Donghae's father.
I pulled away from Hangeng
"Come here," Leeteuk rasped. The others didn't even hesitate as they crowded around the chair our leader was slumped in. He took a deep breath and looked at us all sadly. I wanted to tell him to hurry up, to release this unbearable pressure that was holding all of us down. I would have, too, if he hadn't looked at me with those pitiful eyes he knew I hated.
"I just had a meeting with management," he started. I watched as the others nodded warily, unsure of where this was going. I was pretty sure I had a clue, but I seriously hoped I wasn't right.
"They wanted to talk about Kyuhyun's progress to date and what Super Junior should do until he's ready to join us again." He paused. Donghae took the chance to shuffle a little closer until he was near flush against Leeteuk's side. Leeteuk glanced at him quickly, flashing him a thankful smile, before letting out a pained sigh.
"Please don't tell us what I think you're going to tell us," Kangin growled. Leeteuk ignored him.
"I didn't want to be the one to break this to you, especially considering the circumstances, but we're going to have to continue on with this album without him. The choreographers and recording studio have already been contacted."
The sudden stillness in that room was amazing. I, myself, couldn't bear to breathe. I couldn't understand what I was hearing. How could they push Kyuhyun into our group with barely a warning and, when he was injured, usher him out just as quickly? He was one of our lead vocalists now, how could they just take him away?
"And you just let them!?" I yelled at him as it all sunk in. Leeteuk visibly flinched.
"Don't you think I tried, Heechul? Don't you think I argued with them and tried to persuade them? Do you really think I'm cold hearted enough not to?" His voice shook with barely restrained emotions.
"You should have tried harder," I screamed. If someone had told me I'd be standing up for the annoying little maknae 6 months ago I would have laughed in their face. But Kyu… Kyuhyun seemed to find a way to dig under the skin and make you fall for him. I needed to protect him, his interests. I couldn't see how Super Junior could possibly make an album without him. All this anger towards the company, all this pain, it was all directed towards Leeteuk.
His next words nearly broke me in half.
"You know why I was late, Heechul? They took out the broom and took turns swinging at me because I talked back, because I told them Kyuhyun absolutely had to be in this album. I could barely walk here. That's why I was late. Because I was standing up for him even though I knew it wouldn't make a difference."
I stood there, shocked into absolute silence. A single tear fell down Leeteuk's cheek as he continued to stare at me. He shifted slightly and grimaced when it caused pain to his injured backside. I felt like the worst person on the planet under his gaze.
"You can yell at me all you like," he continued. "I know you're disappointed, I know you're hurt, but I'm not the one to blame."
"There has to be something we can do," Eunhyuk said quietly, his voice echoing through the small room.
"I don't know anymore, guys. I just don't know."
Leeteuk hung his head and the room descended into a dark silence.
Sungmin walked in a few minutes later, clearly distressed for some unknown reason. He seemed taken aback by the mood in the room. None of us had the heart to tell him what was going on. Leeteuk sighed and pulled him out into the hallway. When the two came back, Sungmin informed us, in choked whimpers, what had occurred at the hospital.
I felt absolutely sick.
Our practice after that couldn't be considered much of a practice. After moping a bit we reluctantly pulled ourselves off the floor and turned the stereo back on. We danced, but it was obvious to everyone that no one's heart was into it. We danced robotically, performing the choreography on muscle memory alone, our minds were too far away.
Somehow, I found myself standing in front of the director's door. I, Kim Heechul, was actually going to negotiate with the "higher up's" for someone other than myself.
Honestly, though, I could empathize with Kyuhyun's plight. It was horrible to have to be laid up while the others around you continued to live your dream. At least in my case the company was willing to wait until I was well enough to even somewhat participate. The extent of Kyu's injuries, however, must have convinced them that he'd never recover in time to be of any use to both them and our group.
I knew they were wrong. I knew for a fact that Kyuhyun would be able to prove to everyone that he could do everything they needed him to do and more. That maknae was more stubborn than anyone I'd ever met, including myself.
With that in mind, I swallowed my pride and cautiously knocked my fist against the thick wood of Lee Sooman's door.
"Come in," came the muffled voice in response.
And, with one last steadying breath, I did just that.
Sooman-sunbaenim was seated at a large worn mahogany desk that was littered with papers. He, himself, looked worn out. As he looked up from his paperwork to glance at me, he let out a heavy sigh.
"Heechul, I already talked to Jungsoo about this. The board of directors, not just myself, came to the conclusion that Super Junior needed to move on with promotions. There's nothing you can do about that. I'll see what I can do to get him involved with something else."
"But sir, Kyuhyun needs to be-"
"Needs to be on this album, I know." He sighed again, sounding pained and weary. "If it's any consolation, I voted for the album to wait. I know how close you all are. But this is an executive decision, Heechul. I can't do anything about it."
"Sir, you wouldn't have only tried if it was someone else in his position." I replied, annoyed with how this was going. Why wasn't he even listening to me? "You waited for me, didn't you? Why not him?"
I could feel the anger starting to creep through my veins. He didn't care, of course he didn't care, we were only money makers for him and his stupid company.
"That's because you were in the middle of promoting, not preparing for another comeback." He paused then, looking at me sadly. "I tried, Heechul, but now you need to give this up.
"I can't believe you don't even give a about him or us," I spit.
"Watch your tone, kid, remember who you're speaking with," he countered.
"Yeah, a heartless bastard," angry tears blurred my vision as my voice raised in volume. "And here I thought you actually cared."
Before he could reply, I stormed out of his office and practically ran outside the building. I needed to get out before I did something rash. Despite half wanting to punch his face in and half wanting to break down and cry, I still had my idol reputation to worry about. I hailed down the first taxi that came my way and hopped in before the driver could even utter a greeting.
When I arrived back at the dorms, I didn't talk to anyone. Hell, I didn't even look at them. No one stopped me as I fumed and raged as I walked to the door and slammed it behind me. They could tell with just one look that I was royally pissed.
No matter how hard I thought, no matter how many outlandish ideas I came up with, I couldn't find a solution to fix all this. That was what pissed me off most of all. How could I make them delay this album? How could I ensure Kyuhyun was able to stay with the group no matter what? The CEOs wouldn't give in easily, I knew that. So how?
--
It took a few days for my schedule to open up and give me just enough time to visit Kyuhyun in the hospital. It wasn't long at all, only about half an hour, but at this point I would take all that I could get.
When I got to his room, what I saw pretty much drained all my energy out of me. That wasn't Kyu. There was no way the man in that bed could be Super Junior's Cho Kyuhyun. His wavy brown hair was never this unkempt, his deep brown eyes never that red or glazed. And I'm certain I've never seen his eyes and cheeks swollen from an abundance of tears. No, I refused to believe it was him.
But it was.
"Are you a friend of his?" an older nurse asked, gesturing casually towards the room.
"I'm not quite sure at the moment," I replied, keeping my eyes on Kyu's bed. "Why?"
She looked contemplative for a moment, probably judging how truthful I was about our supposed friendship, before quietly disclosing the last thing I ever wanted to hear.
"The poor man really needs a friend by his side right now. I'm not sure why he's pushing everyone out. He won't answer his parent's calls and he threw out one of his friends last week. Something must have happened because this is not the sweet and polite young man I knew last week. He's becoming more and more depressed. He's not talking, barely eating, and he isn't doing his physio exercises anymore. It's like he just gave up."
I had struggle to keep from getting teared up. I couldn't believe someone like Kyuhyun would give up because of this. He was so stubborn, so strong, I just couldn't comprehend the amount of pain he had to be in to give up.
"Oh sweetheart, I didn't tell you that to make you sad. I'm telling you so that you'll know what your up against. Remember that there is always a silver lining, no matter how dark the cloud or how bleak the sky."
"Thanks"
"No problem, just paying it forward," she smiled. I looked at her then, it took me a second to process what she'd just said.
"Paying?" I asked myself out loud. Money, I suddenly thought, might be able to solve this. They might not listen to me, but money talks. SM is a corporation. They're going ahead without Kyu to make money faster. So what if I offer my pay? Kyuhyun is more of an idol than I am anyway. He deserves the chance to prove himself.
With a plan at last, I ignored the confused look coming from the nurse and motored down to the parking lot. I caught a cab from the hospital and went straight to SM's main office. I was determined to make them listen to me this time. Now that I was speaking their language, I was sure the meeting would go much better.
"Sir," I panted, bursting into Sooman's office with barely a knock. "You can take half my pay."
"Heechul, the least you could do is provide a little warning before you come in here." Sooman-sunbaenim exclaimed, voice punctuated with annoyance.
"I'm sorry, sir, but you have to listen to me for two seconds. Please." He sighed and roughly smoothed his hair with his hands in exasperation.
"Two seconds, that's it."
"I'm offering half my pay, sir, for as long as you see fit. More than half if that's what it takes. Just let Kyu heal before we start promoting the new album. Even if you give him a small part, that's fine. Just let him participate. That's it."
He regarded me silently for a moment. There was no surprise on his face, nor was there anger at yet again disturbing him. Instead, I'm almost certain I saw a glimmer of hope, of pride. But yet, when he spoke, his voice was all business.
"I can bring it up to the board of directors for consideration, but that's the best I can do. Get some rest, Heechul. You've done all you can," he replied simply before turning back to his paperwork. And that was the end of that. With defeat heavy on my shoulders, I left his office and headed back to the dorm.
Two days later, Leeteuk was late for dance practice again. I wasn't sure whether I should worry, or whether I should myself to feel that bit of hope. The mood in the practice room was dark.
When Leeteuk did walk in, it was almost immediately obvious that he'd been crying. I felt any hope I had of the directors listening to me plummet. This was it. He was going to tell us that Kyu was done for. That they were kicking him off the team. I noticed a few of the other members were already starting to tear up.
"Guys," Leeteuk started before clearing his throat. "Guys, I was called in to speak with the board of directors. They had a few concerns that they wanted me to address."
I immediately drew in a breath. This was about me, I knew it. I shouldn't have so rudely talked to Sooman, I shouldn't have asserted myself when my opinion clearly wasn't welcome.
"I want you all to close your eyes. Now." I glanced at everyone else nervously. Even Ryeowook looked nervous, though I doubt he could do any wrong. When we had all shut our eyes he continued; "Will the person who offered their pay to keep Kyu on this album please raise their hand."
I felt a shot of fear shoot straight through me. This was it. I silently raised my hand, praying to any deity I could that Leeteuk wouldn't make a spectacle out of this.
"Open your eyes." Cursing in my head, I prepared myself for the ridicule I knew would follow once everyone realized this was my fault. However, once I opened my eyes, I was absolutely astonished.
I was not the only one with my hand raised.
There was not one person without their hand raised, Leeteuk included.
I looked from member to member with bewilderment. They had offered their pay too. They had stood up for the maknae; gone in front of Sooman-sunbaenim and pleaded their case. Somehow, without knowing each other's plans, we had all come to the same conclusion.
I glanced at Leeteuk only to realize that he was crying again. But he looked happy, relieved, proud.
"I.. I thought they were joking when they…"
"Teukkie, what.. what's going on?"
"They're delaying the album," he replied with a choked sob. "I almost didn't believe it, how could I? They.. they said that they were impressed by the loyalty we displayed, that they'd never seen such comradery before."
"They…" Eunhyuk trailed off.
"They're allowing him time to heal before they see if he can be a part of it or not. They're giving him a chance to prove himself. We have to promote a single for the SMTown album, but the album is delayed." He paused, wiping his tears before looking every single one of us in the eye. His eyes shone with pride. "We did it."
Before I knew it, tears were spilling out of my eyes faster than I could handle. It was over. We did it. Kyu could be a part of the new album. They were giving him a chance.
I was swept up in a hug, Kangin sobbing with relief as he squeezed me against him. I held him just as tight. The others cried into the shoulders of those closest to them. We did it.
After we had stopped crying, Leeteuk gathered us in a huddle and gave us each a signature pearly white smile. "We are Super Junior, and nothing can ever come between us and our members. Nothing."
Its been 7/8 years since our members have been together. Since trainee days, we cared for each other, received awards, went through tough times and cried together. There are many things that I’m sorry as well as grateful for towards our members. I have never said this before but I really want to thank the members, who have always been by my side no matter what.
— HanKyung (SJ Baidu Bar)
Merry Christmas everyone!
I am so, so, sorry sorry about taking so long with this chapter. I've just had so much going on at once with school, work, placement, and other priorities that I've had to put this chapter on hold. But it's here!
There should only be another chapter and the epilogue left, so let's hope I finish this story before summer 2014!
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