The Ghost Of You
Of Blood And Tears
Donghae
I felt horrible having to leave Eunhyuk alone in the hospital. Okay, he wasn't exactly alone since Shindong, Kyuhyun and Leeteuk were still there, but he didn't really have anyone to comfort him. Shindong, as outgoing as he could be, could be an emotional wreck when it came to us. We had provided him with a group of people he could feel comfortable with; when something happened to us, good or bad, he reacted. Leeteuk.. well considering he had undergone surgery I doubted he'd be able to do much comforting. And, well, Kyu was balancing the thin line between life and death and we were all pretty freaked out about that.
We walked, more shuffled, towards one of the side exits of the hospital. Seeing a fairly large group of fan girls outside made my heart beat a little faster. I ran my hand through my hair nervously. I hated crowds, always will, but being emotionally compromised because of what was going on plus dealing with the crowds wouldn't be a good combination for me.
I guess Kibum must have noticed because he silently slipped next to me just as we reached the exit. He was good for that; the wordless support. Even though he was younger than me he still gave off a comforting, protective aura. I think the others could agree with me on that.
Walking towards our vans, though, was a surreal experience. I was expecting the normal fan reactions; the screaming, the grabby hands, the ing of gifts and pens for signatures, all the usual stuff. Don't get me wrong, I love every single E.L.F. in existence, but that just seemed to be how ones who followed us around acted. Anyways, we walked out and nothing happened. Well, okay, something happened, but it wasn't what we were expecting.
Everyone just looked at us. That was it. They turned to look at us with tears clear in their eyes and with pain in their hearts. They were hurting for us.
"Is everyone okay?" A young, what looked to be teenage, girl nervously stepped up to ask the question everyone there probably wanted to know.
"Everyone's alive, that's all that matters." I was surprised to hear Heechul's voice as he answered. I thought we would have left that to the manager or something, but I guess we could at least do that much for them for coming to offer support.
"Is there anything we can do to help?" another girl asked. Murmurs of similar sentiments sounded throughout the group. I was astounded by how strong they were trying to be for us.
"Just pray. Just pray for them." Siwon replied softly, yet he was still audible to everyone around. It clued in to me then that that was what all the candles and other junk around the area was for. They were doing a candlelight vigil to pray for the well being of all our members.
"Stay strong, okay? Super Junior and E.L.F. must be strong for each other."
That was the last thing I heard before I was shepherded into the van. As we drove past, on our way home, the only thing I saw when I closed my eyes was the sad faces of those fans and the tiny candles they'd held in their hands to pray.
I guess Heechul told the driver not to bother going to his, Hangeng's and Kibum's dorm because we passed right bye it on the way back. Truthfully, I was thankful. I needed to have everyone with me, to see that everyone was okay. I don't know how I would have managed without the extra noise these three people would bring.
When we got back to our dorm, however, everything just felt wrong. Being in the dorm without Leeteuk, without Eunhyuk and Shindong, without.. Kyu.. just felt horribly wrong.
Ryeowook and Kibum refused to even enter their shared room with Kyuhyun. They said they didn't need to see his clothes, his gaming stuff and accessories. They didn't want to think of the possibility of him leaving while they were surrounded by his stuff. I, however, walked straight into his room without a second thought and near catapulted myself into his bed. It might sound a little crazy, okay, more than a little crazy, but I was comforted by the scent of him.
The subtle aroma of his tangy citrus shampoo still clung to the pillow I rest my head upon. The blankets my legs were entwined in still smelled softly of his sweat from yesterday's late night dance practice. If I closed my eyes and focused hard enough on forgetting everything from the past few hours, it was almost as though he was right there beside me. Sungmin joined me not too long after, squeezing in beside me upon Kyuhyun's recently purchased Twin bed. The two of us cried ourselves to sleep while breathing in the ghostly scent of our injured maknae.
I woke up later that day to Hangeng gently shaking both mine and Sungmin's shoulders. It took me a second to truly wake up and realize what exactly that could mean. Kyuhyun had been on the brink of death, last I knew, and I was being woken up after what felt roughly like a three hour nap. I sprung up in bed, eyes already starting to water. Sungmin crawled out seconds after, his bottom lip trembling.
"Hey, it's okay. Calm down," Hangeng soothed the best he could in his still shaky Korean. "The hospital called to tell us that he's going in for surgery now. His father insisted that a different operation be done so Kyu-ah can still sing if he comes out of this."
"When," Sungmin corrected softly. "When he wakes up he will sing with us again." Hangeng looked at him sadly but didn't reply.
"Are they taking us to go see them today?" I asked hopefully. Ever since my father had.. passed along.. Leeteuk had been acting as an impromptu father figure to me. I missed his warm smile and comforting hugs, especially with all that was going on. I really just wanted to see him smile at me again, whether he was injured or not. I just needed his smile to cheer me up a bit. Though, I doubted I'd begin to feel more like myself until I could hear Kyuhyun's laugh again.
"No, I guess more fans gathered since earlier. They don't think it's safe for us to try unless it's an emergency."
"But," Heechul cut in, appearing out of nowhere, "your almighty hyung pulled some strings. We may not be able to visit right now, but we're allowed to call Leeteuk at the hospital."
My heart felt the slightest bit lighter at the news. I might not have been able to see Teukkie-hyung smile again, but at least I could hear his voice for now. It was something.
I walked over to Heechul and hugged him. It was only once I got up close that I realized that his cheeks were slightly larger than normal, that his eyes were still faintly red. He'd been crying but had utilized his make up skills to try his best to mask it. Even as I hugged him, I could feel his body trembling just slightly in my embrace. He hugged me back after a second and I swear I felt a drop or two of moisture on my shoulder.
"You really are the best, hyung. I love you." It was the only thing I could say. I knew he was masking that he'd cried to be strong for us. I knew that if I asked him about it, or revealed it to the others, he'd feel that much weaker. I could only let him know that I appreciated everything he was doing for us.
"I love you too, Hae." He quickly wiped away a stray tear before anyone could see it, but I did.
"Does anyone else know?" Sungmin asked quietly.
"Everyone but Yesung. We were going to head over to his room after seeing you two." Heechul pulled himself together, putting on that leader mask again.
"He slept by himself?" I couldn't help but question. Everyone knew that Yesung marched to the beat of his own drummer. He was quite unique. One of those weird quirks he had was that he hated sleeping alone. Feared it, if one were to be more accurate. No one was really sure why, I don't even think he was, but we definitely knew it if Yesung woke up and no one was in his room with him.
"I think he needed some time to himself. Either way, we should let him know what's going on."
"I just wish we could let him have more sleep. He seems to think he has to be everyone's pillar of strength, but he's cracking." Sungmin sighed.
"I know," Heechul agreed sadly. It was clear to see Yesung was breaking down but, at the same time, not allowing himself to give in to the emotions we all felt. The four of us backtracked into the hallway and made our way to Yesung and Shindong's shared quarters.
We didn't even make it into his room. The door was opened just slightly and a thin light glowed from behind; he was on his laptop. Heechul was just about to knock when we heard Yesung's broken voice as he talked to his computer. I'd never heard him sound so lost and scared, so fragile.
"To Shindong, Eunhyuk, Kyuhyun and our leader, Teukie hyung, who are in the hospital right now...
"First, Teukie hyung, it's Yesung. Yesterday when I heard about the accident, I was very shocked. As a leader, you're the hyung that leads us but I was never able to thank you or tell you that you did a good job. I never realized how big your position is and I realized how we've been staying comfortably under you. I'm taking good care of the rest of the members, so don't worry too much.
"And Shindong, you know that without you our team can't laugh, right? Without you, who's going to wear your clothes? Your bright appearance is your trademark. You have to recover fast and continue being our mood maker.
"And Eunhyuk.. I've known you for so long; you're like a real brother to me. Coming to Seoul and being in Super Junior.. it made me more safe and comfortable because you were there with me. Our relationship is still strong, right?
"And our maknae, Kyuhyun. Even though you might not be able to hear my voice right now, I think you'll laugh when you hear this broadcast later. You were often a guest on M.I.R.A.C.L.E for You. You would make fun of me if I made any mistakes. Although you were a dongsaeng, you would tease me.. but you're our team maknae that I can't dislike. Hyung is praying for you to get up and be healthy right now. If you come on air with the other Super Junior members again I won't get mad even if you tease and fool around. Let's be strong, okay? This was Yesung."
His monologue was strained and tear soaked. He had to pause several times to wipe the tears from his cheeks and find his choked voice. Yesung had tried to be optimistic, tried to relay the positives, but he just couldn't. As soon as he logged off whatever program he was using, he started to cry silently.
"Hyung," Sungmin mumbled, unable to take the torture of watching him fall to pieces any longer.
"Go away," he choked out, trying to wipe away his tears as though, if he did, it would make it erase the fact they'd ever existed.
"Sunggie," Hangeng murmured gently, "it's okay to cry. It's okay. I'm crying, Heechul is crying, Donghae and Sungmin are crying. It's okay to admit you're scared and feel weak. It's okay."
Yesung dropped his head in shame. Seeing him look so defeated broke my heart. I needed to comfort him, regardless of how he might react. No one moved as I bravely walked into his room and pulled Yesung's fragile body into a tight embrace. He trembled, his weak legs threatening to collapse underneath him.
"Let us support you, hyung. Let us take and share your burden. You aren't alone in this; there are eight other people in this dorm who would do anything to make you feel better. We love you, don't push us away."
My words seemed to break down the thick wall he'd put up to separate us from him. His previously quiet sobs turned piercing and sorrowful. He let out everything he'd been trying to hold back, all of the pain and anguish and fear and doubt. I could do nothing but hold him tight and reassure him that he wouldn't break, that we wouldn't let him fall.
The other members in the room distanced themselves for a second, waiting to see how Yesung would react, before joining in. I felt arms around me, embracing the two of us with warmth and comfort. It was weird; I almost felt like it was my dad's arms around me rather than Hangeng's or Heechul's or Sungmin's. I'd always seen the guys as really cool friends I got to hang out with all the time, but this was the first time I was seeing them as true brothers.
Yesung began to calm down a few minutes later. Though he was still shaking slightly, he was able to pull himself slightly out of my grasp into a more comfortable position. His head was burrowed into the side of my neck, and I could feel his breath whispering against my skin, but I was happy. I carefully raised the hand that had been resting against the small of his back and gently began carting it through his hair to further relax him.
"Oh, Yesungie-hyung, your eyes are so swollen." I heard Sungmin mumble before one of the arms against my back vacated it's position. I guessed that he had moved to wipe the tears of Yesung's cheeks.
"Now you know why I don't cry. I'm ugly when I cry." Yesung's voice was rough and quieter than normal, but he must have been feeling better as he turned his statement into a sort of joke.
"You're always ugly so why is that a surprise?" Heechul murmured teasingly, his trademark smirk working it's way upon his features. Yesung gave him a tiny hint of a smile and half-heartedly punched him in the shoulder.
"At least I'm not mistaken for a girl half the time," he mumbled back, a smirk of his own taking over his tear-stained face.
"Yah!" Heechul yelped, trying to reach around me to smack him. I stood my guard, however, and laughed for the first time in what felt like forever.
"He's right, you know," Hangeng added with a smile.
"Not you too, Gengie! You're supposed to be on my side," Heechul pouted. We all laughed at him. It felt so good to let go for those few seconds and allow a little happiness back into our lives. But, at the back of our minds, there was still the fact that four of our members were in the hospital.
"Where's Ryeowook?" Yesung suddenly asked, face losing all traces of humour.
"He was in the kitchen with Kibum making some kind of food, why?" Heechul asked, confused by the abrupt change in mood. Yesung's eyes widened.
"Kyuhyun and him had a pretty big argument yesterday. He was really broken up about it last night and vowed that he'd apologize as soon as Kyu got home. I meant to check up on him when we got back to the dorm but he disappeared."
I remembered the fight. I'd been home, playing video games with Kibum, when they'd argued. I nearly slapped myself for being so stupid. Ryeowook was emotionally fragile as it was, let alone bearing the guilt of fighting with the same person who was now in intensive care. He probably felt worse than horrible. But that was probably why Kibum had stuck fairly close to him ever since we got back.
"I'm a horrible hyung," Yesung murmured before breaking out of my embrace, wiping the remnants of his tears away, and walking out the door. The rest of us breathlessly followed behind him.
Ryeowook was, indeed, in the kitchen making food. A lot of food. I knew he cooked when he was stressed but the amount of food on the stove, in the oven.. it was like he was head chef at a restaurant. He moved frantically from dish to dish; stirring, adding in ingredients, checking and double-checking temperature. Kibum stood slouched against the small area of the counter that wasn't packed with food or bowls or measuring cups and kept an eye on him. He greeted us with a slight nod of the head before continuing to watch the human dynamo at work.
"Ryeowook, what are you-"
"Can't talk now, hyung. I'm busy cooking for everyone. We have to keep our energy up so we can support Teukkie-hyung, Shindong, Eunhyuk and," he swallowed nervously, "and Kyuhyun. So you better eat it all."
I internally groaned. Eating was the last thing I wanted to do, even if it was Ryeowook's delicious cooking. But I knew he wouldn't take too kindly to us not eating.
"Wookie, you know it's not your fault, right?" Sungmin asked nervously. Ryeowook turned away from a pot of stew for a split second to roll his eyes at us.
"Of course I know that. I wasn't the one driving, or distracting the one who was. Obviously it wasn't my fault it happened."
"Then why do you feel so guilty?" Kangin asked, stepping into the kitchen and taking a seat at the kitchen table.
"I don't," he replied simply before hurrying to the now beeping rice cooker.
"You're running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. You're trying to distract yourself by cooking multiple dishes at once with the pretence that it's to keep our energy up. We all know that isn't the reason you're cooking, Wookie."
"What if I never get to apologize, hyung?" He blurted suddenly, abandoning his multiple dishes in order to stare helplessly at Kangin. "What if I never get the chance to say that I'm sorry for yelling over something so stupid. I'll never be able to live with myself if he dies thinking that I hate him."
"He knows you don't hate him. I talked to him before we went to dance practice and he felt just as bad as you did." Kangin added gently.
"Then why didn't he talk to me then? Why didn't he apologize right away if he felt bad?" Ryeowook yelled, tears now streaming down his cheeks.
"I don't know, actually." Kangin scratched his head sheepishly. "But, if I had to guess, he probably didn't want to talk to you before he knew you were calmer and feeling guilty. He didn't want to cause another fight."
"I should have just apologized. I shouldn't have screamed over something as stupid as cleaning. I should have.." Kangin walked over from the table and collected Ryeowook's thin body in a warm embrace.
"Did you know he was going to get into an accident? Did you know he was going to end up like this? No, none of us did. What you did, what you argued about, was in the heat of the moment. I know you regret what you said, and I know Kyuhyun regrets what he said. In the end, you have to believe that he knows that you're sorry and believe in his ability to push through this."
"But.. but what if he doesn't?"
"Kim Ryeowook," Heechul said sternly, pushing through so he could stand next to the two. "Just because the doctors say he's likely to die doesn't mean he's going to die. A 20% chance of living is better than a 5, 10, or 15 percent chance, is it not? What's the chance of getting accepted to SM, huh? What's the chance of only training for three months before debuting? What's the chance of debuting with an already somewhat successful idol group?
"Cho Kyuhyun does not follow statistics or odds. He paves his own way through like a horribly noisy bulldozer. If he wants to dance, he pushes through so that he can dance. If he wants to live through this, rest assured he will live through this. You can't let yourself be blinded by what the doctors say. The doctors are idiots. What does your heart tell you? Does it tell you he's giving up?"
"No," Ryeowook mumbled between sniffles.
"Does it tell you he's fighting to get back to us then?"
"Yes," he confirmed.
"Then you need to trust that feeling, that'll give you the strength that you need."
I was dumbfounded. I never thought that sharp-tongued Heechul would be capable of even saying something positive, let alone deeply comforting. Listening to his words, my heart became more at ease. I wasn't as scared or as pained as I was before. Instead, I was filled with a sliver of hope. Of course Kyuhyun was still fighting. They hadn't expected him to live through the ambulance ride but he did, hadn't thought he'd live through the night but he obviously did. Kyuhyun was fighting with everything he had to find his way back to us.
"Hyung," Ryeowook called out just as Heechul was heading back to his room. "Thank you."
Heechul sent back a casual wave in response as if to say 'don't worry about it' but I could almost swear I heard him mumble "Don't thank me until he's okay".
The days after that were a bit of a blur. All I remember are the occasional phonecalls from the hospital updating us on Leeteuk and Kyuhyun's progress. Eunhyuk and Shindong came home late on the first day, quieter and more withdrawn than I'd ever seen them. They looked like they'd been through hell and back.
Ryeowook, although slightly comforted by Heechul's words, continued to cook mass quantities of food saying we still needed to eat. We did, of course, but no matter what exotic dish he'd make up for us, none of us could actually taste it. He seemed more content, though, watching us eat.
Heechul did the best he could as leader. He woke us up if he thought we'd slept too long and made almost hourly phone calls to the hospital to talk to either Leeteuk or the doctors working with Kyu. He spent most of his days, however, in the comfort of Leeteuk's room where none but Hangeng were allowed inside.
Kangin and Siwon took over the role of comforters. Every time one of us would start crying or even just look miserable in any way, one of them would come up and give us a hug or wipe our tears just to make us feel better.
Sungmin and Hangeng were the emotional comforters. They were both able to keep it together so well so we all just flocked to them when we needed to talk, to let loose some of our fears. They took those fears and worries and helped us see beyond the problems to each and every silver lining.
Kibum, Yesung and I were the quiet presences in the dorm. We silently took care of the chores, brought food to those who refused to eat and gave silent support to those who needed it. Sungmin and I spent most of our days with Shindong and Eunhyuk, trying to bring them back to their former selves.
Our nights were spent with all of us, including Heechul, bunking together on the floor of the living room. It was an unspoken decision. Rather than waking up from the inevitable nightmares with no one around, we stuck together like glue. I think we also liked waking up knowing that everyone else was okay, that they weren't going to disappear on us. It was more reassuring that way.
Each of us kept our phones on at all times.
Three days later, the stress was at an all time high. By noon we'd already had members involved in two arguments over nothing in particular and a fist fight almost break out between Kibum and Siwon about who was the better actor.
The fight, however, was broken up when Heechul ran into the living room. His phone was clenched tightly in his hand and his face was lit up and almost glowing with happiness.
"Kyuhyun just woke up!"
Updating early because I have to get my cat put down tomorrow. I doubt I'll be in the right frame of mind to update. Which would explain the kind of rushed ending for this chapter.
That being said, next week's chapter may be late. Writing this story is emotionally exhausting and, add to that the death of a loved one, I'll be seriously messed up. I'll try to keep to my schedule.. but no promises.
Anyway, thank you so much for continuing to support me! Every comment and subscriber I see when I log in makes me that much happier. Thanks, people, really. <3
Yesung's Accident Message: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtVJrraXl9g&list=FLK1D2qNqSmUJexGZVxEXr3w&index=5
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