Not Strong Enough
Of Blood And Tears
Yesung
"Ryeowook, of course he'll forgive you. You both contributed to the argument. It'll be okay." I soothed. Ryeowook paced nervously across the expanse of my shared room with Shindong. He had come in a half hour before to spout apologies for disturbing me before bursting into tears of guilt. He really hated fighting with the members.
"How can he forgive me? I yelled at him, hyung! I actually yelled at him for not picking up his clothes! Why was I so angry over that?" His voice picked up volume as he stopped pacing to yell at me.
"Wookie, sit down." I said calmly. He huffed and plopped down heavily on the bed beside me. He was blowing this whole thing way out of proportion. Honestly, Kyuhyun kind of deserved it. After we all started to accept him he slowly backed away from his duties as a maknae. So, maybe after being yelled, he'd contribute; that is, if Ryeowook actually let him instead of seeking forgiveness by taking over his chores again.
"He won't forgive me." He mumbled under his breath. I had to resist the urge to ruffle his hair like one would do to a child. Ryeowook was too childish for his own good sometimes.
"Kyuhyun will forgive you for yelling at him. You two are like best friends. Best friends fight sometimes but they always make up in the end. You were angry and you exploded; it happens to everyone. Kyu will probably walk in here after Kiss The Radio and apologize for everything." He looked at me hopefully.
"Really?" Yup, such an adorable child.
"Of course. He seems to hate arguments just as much as you do." He gave me a small smile and I mentally congratulated myself on a job well done. Ryeowook was just about to open his mouth to speak when Donghae's voice boomed throughout the dorm.
"Everyone in the living room now. And I mean now." Wookie and I looked at each other, puzzled by Donghae's tone of voice. Donghae had always been one to use formalities and he was normally quite polite. For him to be yelling, in the middle of the night, no less, for a meeting was way out of the ordinary.
We shrugged and wandered out into the living room where the rest of the members were slowly gathering. Everyone seemed lost as to what was going on. Donghae, however, looked worried. We should have understood from that alone that something was wrong, but I guess it never really registered.
"Ya, Donghae, who do you think you are ruining my beauty sleep?" Heechul half whispered, half shrieked. I casually rolled my eyes at his antics.
"Guys, Eunhyuk is on the phone. He asked me to gather everyone together." The atmosphere became tense after hearing his words. The last time a member called this late, Heechul had been in a car accident. Ryeowook looked worried so I put my arm around his shoulder in an attempt to reassure him that everything was fine.
"Eunhyuk, did you really just call us only to stay silent?" Heechul grumbled after a few seconds of silence on the other end of the line.
"There's been an accident," Eunhyuk said, his voice shaking. The room went deathly silent.
"Is everyone okay?" Siwon asked hesitantly. We all stayed silent, anxiously awaiting the response.
"No." The air rushed out of all our lungs in a giant gust. We looked at each other and took in the fear, the nervousness and worry.
"Where do we need to go?" Kangin took over, Heechul too far gone mentally to reply.
"Seoul General," he replied after a moment.
"We're on our way, we'll meet you there." Kangin stated, his voice trembling just slightly as he tried to stay calm for the rest of us. Donghae picked up his phone as we soundlessly stood up and grabbed our coats. Ryeowook shuddered in my grasp and I squeezed his shoulder. We'd get through this. We always got through stuff like this.
I left him in the doorway for a split second so I could grab my phone. I swear I didn't mean to eavesdrop on Donghae's conversation, I really didn't, but when I heard him say "So Kyu-ah is okay?" I couldn't help but listen in. Not that it really helped because he was apparently hung up upon a few seconds after.
"What did he say?" I asked, creeping up slowly and asking quietly. I must have startled Donghae out of some kind of daze because he jumped for a second before looking at me. He was quite obviously trying to keep himself from crying.
"Something.. something's wrong with Kyu. When I asked about him Hyukkie just shut down. There has to be something wrong with Kyu." My eyes widened slightly but I tried not to let him see. I was one of the oldest, I had to be strong. I pulled my dongsaeng into a quick hug and tried not to think about how Ryeowook would react if Kyu really was badly injured.
"If something is wrong, he will force himself through it. He won't exactly give up without a fight, will he?" I asked and Donghae chuckled wetly. He wiped away the single tear that had managed to escape and gave me a small smile.
"Yeah, he's too stubborn to let an injury slow him down." I grabbed my phone and hurried down to where a manager had a van ready and waiting for us.
The ride over to the hospital was horribly long. None of us could bare to break the silence. It seemed that time slowed as we sped through the streets of Seoul, wondering who was okay and who wasn't.
Nothing, however, could have prepared us for what would happen.
We walked into the waiting room expecting to see all four of them. Maybe they'd have broken a few bones or something, maybe one would have to go for surgery to fix a fracture. But it was worse than that. Only two were seated in the hard plastic chairs. Eunhyuk and Shindong barely even acknowledged us when we walked in. That was a telltale sign right there that this accident was worse than we had thought.
Sungmin, Shindong's closest friend, walked over and started calling his name softly. Donghae did the same to Eunhyuk. Neither of them responded. The rest of us looked at each other worriedly. What was going on?
All of a sudden we heard heart-wrenching sobs and we turned to see Shindong sobbing in Sungmin's embrace. Losing what grip we had, many of us started releasing the tears that had been building up ever since receiving the phone call. One by one we stepped into a group hug, surrounding our two devastated members, and soon Eunyuk, too, was crying into Donghae's arms.
I kept telling myself I had to be strong. I couldn't cry in front of my dongsaengs. I had to be strong for them. But, damn, it was hard.
"Where are Leeteuk and Kyuhyun?" Ryeowook asked softly after a few minutes. Eunhyuk had finally calmed his sobs and was now simply sniffling into Donghae's shirt. Ryeowook was crying pretty hard already. I moved to stand beside him and allowed him to rest his head on my arm.
"I don't know."
"What do you know?" Heechul asked, voice scarily quiet. It'd been a while since I'd heard him speak that softly.
"Leeteuk was drifting in and out of consciousness when I saw him. He was really bloody and scared to be alone."
"And Kyuhyun?" Sungmin gently prompted, tears marking their way down his already swelling cheeks.
"He.. he told me to tell everyone he loves them and then he stopped breathing." My heart seemed to stop its beating upon those words. I wasn't overly close to Kyuhyun, but with K.R.Y. promotions we were beginning to get along well. At this point, I couldn't imagine Super Junior without Cho Kyuhyun. I couldn't imagine our lives without Cho Kyuhyun.
"Is he.." Kibum asked
"I don't know." Eunhyuk said simply, breaking down once again. In fact, everyone seemed to crumple at his words.
Ryeowook simply collapsed.
I nearly jumped out of my skin when the door opened to reveal a handsome young doctor and ajhumma nurse. I silently scrutinized them, trying to figure out ahead of time what may lay in store for us. Their faces were like stone, however, and that was the most terrifying thing. Didn't doctors do that when they were about to give bad news?
The doctor looked around at all of us before asking in a surprisingly deep voice, "Who do you want to know about first." I liked that, no beating around the bush with this guy.
"Give us the good news," Heechul piped up. He looked like he was struggling to keep it together. The doctor nodded.
"Park Jungsoo was taken to surgery when he arrived. He suffered from many lacerations and lost quite a bit of blood. We removed the glass and other debris that had embedded itself. Other than that and some bruising, he should make a complete recovery. He can join you in activities once his injuries heal in about a month."
"Where is he now?" Kangin asked, worried about our leader's mental well being without the rest of us there.
"He's currently sleeping off the effects of the anesthesia in a private room. He's hooked up to an IV for pain relief which should also tire him out, but we're guessing he should awake within an hour. Even so, we'd like to give him a little bit longer to rest before we have you visit with him."
I nodded along with the others and released a sigh of pure relief. Teukkie-hyung was like a parent to us all even though he was only a few years older. Having him unable to perform anymore would have been a devastating blow.
"And Kyuhyun?" Ryeowook whimpered beside me. The room went silent again. Eunhyuk had said the last time he had seen him he wasn't breathing. From the doctor's sudden tight expression I knew Donghae was right. Something was utterly wrong with our maknae.
"Cho Kyuhyun.. is in critical condition." The doctor disclosed after a minute. It was obvious he was having difficulty even telling us this news. It was difficult news to take. "He wasn't breathing when he was loaded into the ambulance and it took them several minutes to get his breathing started again. His pelvis is fractured, some of his ribs are broken, and one of his lungs is punctured. He also has pneumothorax, or air in the chest cavity, which is making it difficult for him to breathe."
"Is he.. is he going to be alright?" I asked, finally able to find my voice. In hindsight, it was a pretty stupid question to ask, all things considered, but at that time that was the only thing I wanted to know.
The doctor looked at us for a second, taking in the sad and tear-filled gazes we all directed towards him. He hesitated, knowing the news he was about to deliver would probably break us. I would have hated to be in his shoes.
"We don't expect him to live through the night."
With that, chaos.
Ryeowook, who had finally stopped sobbing, collapsed again. Thin tears tracked down his cheeks, but he didn't choke out those horrible sobs anymore. It was like he wasn't really there; he was just empty of everything except for those tears.
Eunhyuk, one of Kyuhyun's closest friends and the last one to talk to him, passed out. It was actually a relief to see him lose consciousness, that way he could take a break from all this for a bit. He deserved that break.
Donghae and Kibum were crying into each other's shoulders, as were Shindong and Sungmin. Siwon sat in the corner, tears streaming down his face as he prayed. The oldest few of us; me, Hangeng, and Kangin, stood there in shock.
Heechul was pissed.
"What have you been doing to help him then, huh? Kyuhyun is the strongest of us. He never cried when we scolded him or punished him. He never complained about the chores and took whatever we threw at him with pride. He wouldn't just give up. It had to be something you did, it had to be." With that he collapsed into a sobbing mess, not even caring about being strong anymore. Hangeng wordlessly stumbled over and pulled him into his embrace. The doctor looked on worriedly.
"We have him on a ventilator right now to keep supplying him with oxygen. We had to cut a hole and place a tube in his chest to help the trapped air escape. He's undergoing blood transfusions and we have him on a heavy dose of antibiotics so he doesn't get infected. There's a nurse stationed in his room in case something happens. Believe me, Mr. Kim, we're doing everything in our power to ensure Kyuhyun survives."
If anything, Heechul only sobbed harder.
"If he.." I started, not able to voice the words I had wanted to. "If he's still here in the morning then what's going to happen?" I needed to be positive. I needed to show the others that there was still hope. I needed to be strong in stead of our Teukkie.
"We have an operating room booked for 1 PM. We'll do a non-invasive surgery to fix his lung and reset his ribs. We don't want to add more air to his chest cavity. If all goes well after that, he'll have another surgery so we can piece his pelvis back together."
And, finally, the question we all needed to hear the answer to. "Will he be able to perform again?"
The doctor paused, uncertain if he should tell us this considering we were all pretty emotional. Then again, it was probably best to hit us with all the news at once.
"Even if his pelvis heals so that he doesn't limp at all, the surgery to fix his punctured lung involves drilling a hole through his throat. In short, he wouldn't be able to sing afterwards." That was the final blow. Our Kyuhyunnie, even if he fought through this, would never be able to perform again. Singing was his life; performing was his everything.
"Than find another damn way to operate!" Heechul screamed, his voice broken from his sobs.
"We're allowing for visitors to enter his room for the time being. I'd recommend you all say your goodbyes." Wiping a lone tear off his face, the doctor turned and quickly exited the waiting room. The nurse that had come in by his side glanced apologetically at us.
"Who would like to see him first?" She asked softly. I looked around the room with a sense of dread. I knew the younger ones wouldn't be able to see him in this state. They were unable to collect themselves for even a few minutes, I didn't want them to be further affected by this right now. The older few, excluding Heechul as he was still off in his own little world, were too busy trying to hold the younger ones together. I was the only one not doing something.
"I'll go," I whispered. I guess it was loud enough for everyone to hear me, though, because they all turned in my direction. I got an eyeful of everyone's tears, of everyone's pain. Lowering my head, I followed the kind nurse out of the waiting room and into the depths of the hospital.
"He's right through here," the nurse said, pausing in front of a solid door after a few minutes of walking. "It's okay to touch him, if you want. Talk to him, too. They say hearing is always the least affected in patients like him. Maybe he'll hear you." She paused. "I'll be right outside if you need me. Take as long as you like." I nodded and pushed through the butterflies threatening to escape my stomach. Gripping the rounded knob with clammy, trembling fingers I twisted and was allowed the first view of Kyuhyun.
There was nothing that could have prepared me for what I saw.
He lay there, silent and unmoving, in a bed that seemed much to large for his lanky frame. There were machines and lights and dials everywhere. A wire leading from underneath the crisp blue hospital gown led to a heart monitor that let out a quiet beep with each pulse. It was reassuring. He had IVs running up from each bruised arm; the IV bags dripping lifesaving blood and antibiotics into his abused body.
But that wasn't even the worst of it.
Truth be told, I can't even tell you which part was worst.
On top of the wires and IVs, there were tubes. There was a large tube protruding from just underneath his armpit, the skin there covered in bandages and gauze. I realized faintly that it was there to help rid some of the air build up in his chest, as the doctor had said, but I never really quite understood until it was right there. Tubes were also curling delicately towards a large, hissing machine that took up the majority of his bedside. He needed a ventilator, a tube pushing oxygen into his one good lung, to survive. He couldn't even breathe on his own.
With shaking legs I stepped toward the stool placed carefully amidst the chaos of wires and lines and tubing. I sat down heavily before cursing myself for adding to the noise in this beeping, hissing, yet silent nightmare.
He wasn't sleeping peacefully; he couldn't be with those tubes down his throat and those needles in his arms.
Kyuhyun was near death.
I nearly threw up.
With tears starting to pool and my vision staring to blur, I gripped the bar on his bed and looked at him. I just looked at him. There was no trace of our kind-hearted, teasing younger brother. Kyu was pale and bloodied and bruised. He looked like a shell of my dear dongsaeng.
"Kyu-ah, they said.." I paused, my voice cracking from emotion. "They said there was a chance you might be able to hear me."
I looked at him, looking for a sign that he could hear what I was saying. He didn't move, of course.
"I just.. I wanted to say that I know you'll get better. You are so strong Kyu, you know that? When you joined I wasn't jealous of your voice or jealous that you'd only had to train for three months, I was jealous because you were so damn strong. You fought for our respect and persevered until you got it. You fought for the fans to accept you and now you are a member they can't forget.
"I know you can fight through this. I know you are strong enough to make it through this. And even if you can't perform with us we will still continue to support you. You've wrangled your way into our hearts. You can't leave us after making us love you, you just can't. You need to get better, Kyu. We're all rooting for you so you need to get better."
I paused a minute, wiping away a few stray tears. A single droplet fell from my chin and landing upon his arm. For a second, I thought that tear alone would be enough to upset the fragile balance the doctors had worked so hard to re-establish, but he continued breathing like nothing happened. With a deep breath to calm myself, I continued.
"I love you too, pabo. You're like the replacement for my annoying little brother. You act just like him sometimes, you know? I used to avoid you because of that but now I realize it makes me less homesick. So don't leave after saying you loved us. We need to be able to tell you we love you too. You have to stay if even for that."
A knock at the door shocked me out of my emotional state.
"Sorry," the nurse apologized as she opened the door. "Kyuhyun's parents are here." I nodded toward her in understanding. I put my hand next to Kyu's on the bed, not close enough to touch but enough to feel like they were touching.
"Kyu-ah, you can fight through this. You're too stubborn to listen to what the doctors say about you. I know you can make it and prove everyone wrong. Please don't give up."
With that, and one last look, I exited his hospital room. Immediately after closing the door my legs collapsed underneath me. But I didn't cry. I couldn't cry. I had to be strong for the others.
"Jongwoon-ssi?" I glanced upwards to see a man and woman I assumed to be Kyuhyun's parents. I rubbed harshly at my eyes before standing up and bowing to each of them in turn.
"Sorry, I'll be leaving now." I mumbled. I walked a few steps before I was interrupted by a deep but soothing voice.
"When Kyuhyun talked to us he'd mention K.R.Y. and how competing vocally with you gave him more drive to better himself. He said that you coached him a bit when you were practicing too. Thank you for being a good hyung to my son." Mr. Cho spoke, his voice was level and calm but his eyes spoke of untold amounts of pain.
"I don't know if you should thank me," I mumbled. "I should be thanking you for raising a child like Kyuhyun. I don't deserve a dongsaeng like your son."
He placed his large hand upon my shoulder and just stood like that for a minute. I don't quite know if he was trying to comfort me or himself, but it worked. He seemed to know that I had to be strong and was letting me know it was alright. But it was alright to let go too. After a few seconds I nodded and he gave me a small, but dead, smile.
"Thank you," he concluded before joining his wife and entering Kyuhyun's room.
I felt numb.
Somehow I managed to stumble back to the waiting room where the others were still sitting, still crying. They all looked to me when I opened the door. They looked at me with hope, with fear, but I couldn't say a single thing to reassure them. I let the door close behind me and took a seat silently on an available spot on a couch in the corner of the room.
I felt empty.
I had to wonder if I was feeling at all.
A little while later the doctor came back and allowed the oldest few of us to see Leeteuk. Heechul immediately declined with a harsh shake of the head before he stormed out of the waiting room. Siwon silently got up from where he was seated and followed him out of the room.
Without another word, Kangin nodded at Hangeng and I and we silently followed the doctor through the hospital corridors and crossed the threshold into our leader's room.
Seeing Leeteuk, our Teukkie hyung, lying unconscious in the middle of a large white hospital bed, was hard. Sure, he didn't have tubes down his throat or sticking out of the side of his chest, but it was still bad. This was Park Jungsoo we were talking about; the invincible, forever worried Park Jungsoo.
What affected me most, what affected each of us the most, was the stitches. They had said he needed surgery to remove glass and other debris that had broken the skin, but they didn't tell us quite how bad it was. Bloody bandages covered his forehead; they covered what we could see of his arms, his chest, and we just knew they would continue underneath the thin hospital blankets.
Kangin let out a shuddery breath and took the first step forward. He took a seat next to Leeteuk's bedside and his trembling had began combing through Leeteuk's damp hair. They must have washed the blood out. Hangeng silently walked over and gently lay his hand over our leader's blanket covered one. After a second, I joined and allowed the back of my hand to hover against his bruised cheek.
All was silent.
I took in Leeteuk's appearance; his sickly pale skin, his bruises and bloody bandages, and I began to cry. I let out the tears, the fears, the worry; I let it burst forth in a loud sob. Hangeng's own sobs joined seconds later, followed by Kangin.
In that hospital room, away from the prying eyes of our dongsaengs, we let out all the tears we couldn't show in front of them. We let our reinforced walls fall and allowed the emotions to spill out. We shared the pain, the fear, the uncertainty of it all. We shared the need to be strong in front of the others and put up a front of strength. We cried for, not only Leeteuk and Kyuhyun, but for everything that might become of us.
We cried because there was not a single thing we could do to take their pain away and there was nothing we could do to fix this.
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