Hurts
Of Blood And Tears
Sungmin
It had been a month since we'd been to the hospital. A whole month. We had Leeteuk back with us, thankfully, but we were all worried about Kyuhyun. He'd had his surgery and it'd gone off without a hitch, but we hadn't been able to talk to him. At all. Like, he wouldn't answer the hospital phone when we tried to call him and even refused when the nurses tried to get him to talk to us.
We kept trying to persuade management let us go see him but they continually said that we had to let him focus on getting better. They updated us randomly, telling us things like he was off the ventilator now and that he was sitting up, but we wanted to see for our own eyes. It was getting to the point where we almost had to fight with management just for an update. I don't really know if they actually did want to let him heal in peace, if Kyu put them up to all of this considering he refused to talk to us, or if they had other plans in mind.
All I knew was that I missed our maknae's antics dearly. I missed that glimmer of mischief in his eyes before he did something he wasn't supposed to, that bright smile when he got away with it. I missed him more than I ever thought I would.
Ryeowook, however, was my number one priority. From the moment we'd found out about the accident he'd changed. Sure enough, he did talk to all of us and still did what he was supposed to but it was all.. robotic. He's been waking up at the exact same time, going to bed at the exact same time, following his schedules to a tee. When he didn't have a schedule or something he was supposed to do, he was cleaning or cooking. He never let himself be idle. It was concerning, to say the least.
I spared a glance toward Donghae, who was seated on the couch next to me. He was silently watching some variety show. Silently. I was worried about him too. He was the last one who talked to Kyuhyun before he started cutting us all out. It was easy to tell he blamed himself for the distance.
The last couple of weeks he had been acting really strange. He reduced his skin ship with Eunhyuk, rarely hung out with Kibum, and hadn't danced unless it was necessary. He sat aimlessly, either in front of the TV or on his lap top. That was it. Not a loud, boisterous Donghae but an almost lifeless one.
"Donghae?" I turned back to him and asked.
"Hmm?" Was his reply. Nothing more, nothing less. He never even took his gaze of the television screen. I could tell he wasn’t even watching it.
"Are you okay?"
"Sure I am. Why do you ask?"
"Hae, this isn't like you. I know there's something wrong." I probed, but he brushed me off easily.
"No, really, there isn't. I'm fine," He weakly insisted.
"Please Hae, it hurts to see you like this. Please, let me help you." I finally begged. I knew he was hurting, I knew we were all hurting, but seeing Donghae destroy himself over this killed me. Donghae was supposed to be the happy one, the one we looked for to cheer us up on our worst days. It was like our own little ray of sunshine had dwindled to nothing.
"I.. don't know."
"What don't you know."
"I don't know what I did wrong." He mumbled. I waited for a minute, the silence comfortably surrounding us as I gave him the time to organize his thoughts. "I don't know what I can do to make this better. I just don't know."
"I know." I stated simply. He looked at me then and realized that, in fact, I did know.
"I miss him, Sungmin. I miss our bright and cheery maknae. I miss the Kyuhyun who'd joke about his dancing skills and make fun of my accent. I miss the Kyuhyun who treated us like brothers, not like sunbaes. Why won't he let us in now, Min? Why won't he talk to us when he needs our support the most?" His moist doe eyes begged me to give him an answer. He needed to know, it hurt him to not know, but I couldn't give him anything he wanted.
"I really don't know, Hae. I wish I did, I wish I could make it better, but I can't."
"I know, sorry." He apologized dejectedly.
"You don't need to apologize to me. Trust me, I feel the exact same. I can't help but think that I could have done something differently he'd still be talking to us. But there isn't a single thing we can do to reverse that. All we can do now is focus on getting to visit again."
"When do you think they'll let us see him again. It's been a month and they keep denying us."
"I don't know Hae, I just don't know." I mumbled in response. We sat in silence for a little while, the television still running softly in the background though it was obvious neither of us were watching it. "You should get to bed. We have a busy day tomorrow."
Donghae nodded reluctantly. "Thanks for trying to cheer me up, Min. I appreciate it."
"Anytime, remember that." I said gently, watching as he heaved himself off of the couch. As he walked to his room his shoulders slumped in defeat. It felt as though he were breaking and the only thing that could hold him together was Kyuhyun.
Without Kyuhyun around it seemed as though we were all falling apart.
Not feeling up to going to bed and having yet another nightmare, I sat there for a while and just flipped through the channels. I knew I probably wouldn't actually watch anything either way, I just needed a distraction. I stopped abruptly, however, when I saw a familiar face. Kyuhyun. There was a repeat on of our Mini-Drama series.
Our group's part for First Love was playing through. The Last Concert was what we called it, and I couldn't help but remember how much fun it was to film. Everyone would goof off behind the camera but, as soon as the word "Action!" was muttered, we all became professionals. I can still laugh at watching Kyu dance awkwardly by himself in his little day dream.
So I settled down and watched our mini drama. Though, I wasn't really watching considering I was only paying attention to Kyuhyun. It was hard not to. There was Kyuhyun with a soft smile, with his smooth voice, with that twinkle still in his gentle eyes. There was him acting, singing, dancing, being his evil self. There was Kyuhyun, so close to me but yet so far away.
I didn't even notice Leeteuk walk in until he plopped down next to me.
"I heard his voice," he mumbled as he settled in. We both watched silently as our maknae fell in love, had his heart broken, he finally confessed, and the love of his life died. When he smiled at her, we smiled at him. When he found out she was deathly ill we held each other. When he cried into her lap we cried into each other.
When Kyuhyun's face finally faded, Leeteuk slowly reached over to grab the remote and flick off the TV. We sat there for a minute trying to compose ourselves. There was a faint sobbing coming from down the hall, as well as even fainter murmuring. I assumed it was Eunhyuk trying to comfort poor Donghae.
"He just needs to figure himself out." Leeteuk broke the fragile silence first. "He's just been in an accident and he doesn't even know if he'll be able to perform again. He needs some time to figure out what he wants."
"But he fought to make it this far, didn't he? Why doesn't he have the strength to fight just this little bit more? I know he can do it, we all know he can do it, so why doesn't he?"
"Think about it for a second, Minnie," he stated gently. "He just about lost his life in an accident and has most likely been told he'll probably never be able to step on a stage again. How would you feel being told you may never be able to sing or perform again?"
"Not good.." I mumbled my reply.
"It's hard enough to recover physically from something like that, let alone mentally. He's taking everything really hard. He's pushing us away because he doesn't want to be reminded of what he doesn't have right now. He doesn't have his voice, he doesn't have his legs, he doesn't even have his freedom."
"But he's taking this too far, hyung. We're going to support him no matter what. We're all hurting because of what he's going through and we just want to make it better."
"But maybe he doesn't see it like that."
"We need to see him, hyung. Donghae and Ryeowook are breaking down and the rest of us are lost. We need to fix whatever's wrong before Super Junior implodes."
"I know Min, God I know, but management would have my head if I did something."
"Then don't do anything. I'll go on my lunch break or something and no one has to know. We need this, hyung. We need to know. I'm willing to take a risk if it involves bringing everyone's spirits up."
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"For having the courage to do what I couldn't. Thank you."
"I know you'd do anything for us. But you're still recovering, that's why I wanted to go. I don't want them to hurt you when you're still hurting."
"What did I do to deserve a dongsaeng like you?" He asked quietly. I smiled softly at him and rested my head on his shoulder. Leeteuk began tenderly carting his fingers through my hair and humming under his breath. It was the tune to 'Thank You', a song we'd just started learning before the accident in preparation for our new album. I hummed along with him, harmonizing the relaxing song.
We fell asleep just like that on the couch; my head on his shoulder and his hand tangled lovingly in my hair.
The next day I snuck away during my hour lunch break. I walked a distance away from the company building, saying I was going to eat at a restaurant, before calling a cab. I knew a cab wasn't necessarily the safest choice, but it would have to work. Thankfully, the man driving was older and had never heard of us. Knowing I wouldn't have much time, I asked the front desk where Kyuhyun's room was and nearly sprinted there.
I opened the door to his room only to see his scantily covered as he shuffled around the room. Not the view I wanted, but at least it was him.
Then I realized he was upright and somewhat walking. It was only a month since the surgery, there was no way he could be walking already.
"Kyuhyun, you idiot, what are you doing walking around?" I groaned, immediately moving to his side and trying to help him manoeuvre back to his bed. He didn't appreciate the help.
"Hyung, it's fine. I've been doing this for a week now. You'd know that if you actually came to visit." He huffed, shaking me off before cautiously shuffling over to the bed. He slowly sat down before turning his sharp gaze to me. "Why are you here, anyway?"
"We were worried. You never answered any of our calls." I answered sternly.
"You expected me to?" He replied snarkily. I didn't let it bother me, though, and told him what I knew he needed to hear.
"I know, we couldn't be there for you before your surgery. We were supposed to be your brothers and we left you when you needed our support the most. I am so sorry for that." His eyes widened as I apologized. I guess he was surprised I had figured him out so easily. I was infinitely thankful to Leeteuk for providing the insight.
"How did you..?"
"It doesn't matter," I smiled softly at him and took a seat next to him on the bed. "SM has had us under tight restraints since the accident and they haven't let us visit. I had to sneak away on my lunch break to visit today."
"I'm-" he started.
"Don't you dare apologize. Just talk to me for a bit before I have to go. They didn't tell us that you were starting to walk already!" I trilled. He gave me a small smile in return and I could tell he was happy with the progress he'd been making in his recovery.
"I wouldn't exactly call this walking, but yeah. The doctor said I could start doing little 'walks' around my room to strengthen my hips. Apparently it slows recovery if I stay still, so I've been trying to do it as often as possible."
"I hope you haven't been overdoing it."
"No, Mom, I haven't." He teased and I smiled. It was almost like the old Kyuhyun was back. "I learned my lesson after I took a few steps more than I should have the first day and nearly died from soreness the day after."
I groaned and rolled my eyes at his stubbornness, but couldn't help but to feel a sense of pride in him. He was pushing himself to recover, to get back to his fans and his stage.
"We're proud of you, you know that?"
"Really?"
"Pfft, of course. The company keeps us somewhat up-to-date on what's going on with you. Every time we hear that your recovering well we the mood gets considerably brighter. There were more than a few of us who cried when we were told you were off the ventilator."
"Even though I was ignoring you?"
"Kyuhyun, just because you're childishly ignoring us, doesn't mean we stop caring about you. Idiot." I gently ruffled his hair, too cautious to actually use force in case I accidentally hurt him. Either way, he chuckled.
We talked for a couple minutes more. Just casual things. Kyuhyun complained about the slop they were feeding him and about how he had virtually no privacy anymore. I revealed the usual dorm gossip; who was fighting with who, who was doing what, that kind of stuff. It was actually really nice to be able to sit down and have an actual conversation with him again. I had seriously missed it.
"Excuse me, may I have a minute with Kyuhyun?" A man dressed in a suit and tie peeked his head past a crack in the doorway. Kyuhyun looked at me and shrugged.
"Yea, sure." I said, taking my hand off Kyuhyun's thigh and giving him a reassuring smile. "I'll be just outside if you need me."
As I was passing the man, though, I couldn't help but think that he looked sort of familiar. I was fairly certain I'd seen his face before but I couldn't remember where. But a niggling sensation at the back of my skull and in the pit of my stomach knew that the appearance of this man meant anything but good news.
And I was right.
I heard muffled yelling about a minute later and the man came barrelling out of the room, ducking in cover. A pillow was flung out the door towards him but missed. I had run into the room, intent on asking him what was wrong, but I got hit with a second pillow instead.
"What was-" I started to ask, but he cut me off.
"You bastard, get the hell out of my room. Are you trying to rub it in? Are you trying to rub it in my face?" He screamed at me. His eyes were full of nothing but pain.
"Kyuhyun, what-"
"How could you do this to me? Huh? Do you guys just enjoy causing me misery? Or are you just that sick that you get satisfaction from my pain?"
"Kyuhyun, seriously, I have no idea-"
"Like hell you have no idea! Just get out of here and never come back. Don't you ever show your face to me again. That goes for the rest of my hyungs too." He spit the word 'hyung' as if it were poisonous.
"Kyu, I-"
"I said get out!" He bellowed, catching the attention of a couple of nurses who were passing by.
"Sir, I think it's best you leave for the moment. Something has him upset and he won't calm down until you're out of the room. Just give us a few minutes to work with him, okay?" One of them, a motherly like woman, told me gently yet firmly. Obviously, there wasn't much room to disagree.
I conceded and slipped out of the room, though I didn't go far. As the door closed behind me, I sank against the wall and held my head in my hands. It didn't take long before Kyuhyun's apparent rage turned into frantic and pained sobbing. I couldn't help but to cry a little with him. I was so lost, so confused. Then again, that was probably what we were both feeling.
Still, how had Kyuhyun, who had been smiling just a few minutes before, suddenly flip out like this? He was normally so controlled when it came to his emotions. Anger, hurt and sadness were all filed away in his genius brain where none would ever be able to see. But he had just yelled at me. He had told me to never, ever see him again. Why? What did I do so wrong?
"He's sleeping now." I nearly jumped when the voice of the motherly nurse suddenly penetrated my thoughts. She quietly closed the door to Kyuhyun's room and squatted down next to me.
"That's good," I replied with a choked whisper. I wiped away the tears on my face quickly with the back of my hand.
"I don't know what set him off, but it's a real surprise. Your friend is one of the most cooperative clients we have on this floor. But this, this is unlike him. Help him overcome whatever did this to him, okay? I'd hate for such a sweet young man to be overwhelmed with this much pain." She smiled gently and placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder before walking off.
I sighed. I hated this feeling.
Unable to leave the situation alone, I silently slid into Kyuhyun's room. He was, in fact, sleeping; but he wasn't sleeping peacefully. His eyes were slightly swollen and red from the crying he'd done. He kept shifting in his little hospital bed and making little whimpering noises. The occasional tear still fell from his closed eyes.
I sat carefully beside him and wiped at the tears as they came. How had it come to this? What could have possibly set him off to turn him into this?
After a few minutes sitting with him like that I realized I should probably get back to the rest of the members. We had a dance practice scheduled and I simply had to let Leeteuk know what was going on. There was something strange about this situation and I was hoping Leeteuk could get to the bottom of it.
When I actually arrived in the practice room, however, there was not a single happy face. The atmosphere was black and suffocating. I looked from face to face, hoping to see at least some glimmer of happiness, but none was to be found.
"Uhm, guys? What's up?" I murmured, unwilling to make too much noise. Like zombies, they rose their heads to meet my concerned gaze. No one moved or spoke. Finally, Leeteuk stood up and directed me out of the practice room and to a quiet spot in the hall outside.
"Sungmin, it's about Kyuhyun."
I looked at him, clearly confused. I had just seen Kyuhyun barely ten minutes prior. He was sleeping when I'd left. The little freak out he had wasn't worth the doctors time to mention, either, since they had got it easily under control. So what exactly was it?
"What about him?"
"The directors came by to talk to me during my lunch break. We're going on with promotions, Min. They want us to start recording new songs and learning new choreography."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
"You mean.."
"They want us to release the 2nd album without him."
And suddenly, it all made sense. Kyuhyun's reaction to seeing me after one of the directors came to talk to him, how he said he didn't want to see any of us anymore. They told him the same time they told Leeteuk. He thought I was there to rub it in his face that he wasn't going to be able to promote with us. That's why he was so upset. He thought we betrayed him.
How were we supposed to make this better?
What if we couldn't make this better?
Sorry about the wait! I had a lot of stuff going on..
Anyway, there should be about 2-3 chapters left of this story. I have an idea for a bonus chapter, though, so let me know if you'd be interested in that.
Thanks for sticking with me!
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