Something is off...

It’s been a week after he broke up with his lover. He regrets it, but what can he do? They haven’t met after that fight that he did not expect it to happen between them at all, and he never thought about breaking up before, not even once. If he has a time machine, he would go back to that time and fix everything that he messed up.

Can he get him back? But still he can’t believe that his lover (ex-lover) chose to go to that concert in Japan over his last musical performance. Everyone will get angry if they were in his place. It’s a normal thing… That’s how he sometimes assures himself as he wants to believe his decision is right although it hurts him so much. However, deep down he knows it’s not the right choice and he regrets it so much.

Kyuhyun has a new hobby... Sleep. He now likes sleeping more than his games. Kyuhyun will just sleep when his schedules finish, and even when he’s free, he will sleep for the whole day. He ignores his Kyu-line when they call him and ask him to go out with them because he just can’t. Not now.

Only when he’s sleeping he can forget about his broken heart although Siwon often shows up in his dreams making him miss him even more.

In his dream he can touch Siwon although the latter doesn’t talk as much as he does in real life before they broke up. He would forget about his stupid choice for a while, but as soon as he wakes up, he would feel empty and cold. There are no possessive arms around his waist, no warm breath behind his nape, no morning kiss, and no notes beside his pillow. The most important thing, there is NO SIWON. Kyuhyun is afraid to wake up.

As long as he can sleep and dream about Siwon, he doesn’t care about his hyungs nagging him about how hard it is to wake him up. 

 “I miss you… so much” He whispers in an audible tone with his eyes closed.

***

Today is not an exception. Kyuhyun is already awake but he’s still closing his eyes. His mind is busy holding back his desire to meet Siwon and he’s not sure if he can face him. He’s afraid he will make another mistake.  He’s afraid he will mess up again... But he misses Siwon. He wants to know if Siwon doesn’t agree with this break up. He wants Siwon to have his heart back. He wants Siwon to come to him and ask him to come back to him. However, when he recalls Siwon’s words, he knows he’s wrong. He hurt Siwon’s heart so much and he never thought about his true feelings before. All that he knew is that Siwon loved him and can never really complain about anything.

Him on the other hand, he was never aware that he complains so often to Siwon, even about the little things that are so not important. Siwon just smiles at him when he whines and sulks, and not even once did Siwon get really angry at him. But now he knows what his lover really felt when he blurt out his real feelings the other day.

Kyuhyun realizes that it’s actually his mistake, not Siwon’s after all.

***

Choi Siwon…that gentlemen is heartbroken but still he has a smile on his face… a fake one though. However, his eyes can’t lie. Siwon is very thankful that he hasn’t met with EunHae yet because he knows that his friends will know that he’s hiding something from them. Siwon already came back from Japan a few days ago, but he’s afraid to go to the dorms. He’s scared to meet with everyone especially Kyuhyun. They haven’t seen each other after their break up and he wonders if Kyuhyun feels hurt like him. He wants to know but he’s just too afraid to face the possibility of Kyuhyun might be happy without him.

“Kyu...” Siwon mutters as he ruffles his hair in frustration.

He lays back on his bed, upset, disappointed, sad and angry. He just can’t believe how everything happened so fast. He’s upset with Kyuhyun and also with himself, he’s angry at Kyuhyun and also at himself, and the truth is, he doesn’t want to accept Kyuhyun’s decision but he doesn’t know why he had accepted it. His heart is getting weaker and it seems that he has reached his limit. Kyuhyun can’t seem to understand that and he always throws the blame on him. Siwon needs Kyuhyun’s understanding even if it’s just a little.

Siwon can’t do it anymore.  Sometimes he wonders if Kyuhyun forgets that he’s also a human and he’s angry at himself because he can’t show his feelings freely. That’s his mistake, a big mistake. He loves Kyuhyun too much and he can’t say NO to him. He knows it sounds pathetic but he just loves his boyfriend so much… ex-boyfriend.

Siwon sighs, why can’t he stop thinking about Kyuhyun? Siwon is already trying everything to distract himself, but still he can’t stop thinking about the maknae. He won’t try to get the maknae back even if he still loves him because he’s just...afraid.

Siwon gets up and walks toward his bed side table. He picks up his phone and dials someone’s number.

“Hyung, can we meet today?” Siwon talks to someone through the phone.

 “Okay. Thank you. I won’t be late hyung”

Siwon needs to do something before he really leaves his relationship with Kyuhyun behind and starts a new one as a hyung and a dongsaeng like the first time they met years ago. He has to do this because at least he and Kyuhyun should have that although they broke up. Kyuhyun is his favorite dongsaeng after all, right?

***

“Siwon. Why are you here?” asks Donghae when he sees Siwon stepping inside their dorm.

“I changed my mind. I think it will be better if we go together hyung” Siwon smiles and walks to the living room.

Kyuhyun, who’s walking to the kitchen, is so surprised when he sees Siwon. He suddenly freezes and just stares at him blankly because he’s not ready to face him yet.

Siwon on the other side is trying so hard to smile as natural as possible to Kyuhyun. He knew he will meet him when he decided to come to the dorm and even though he’s not ready yet, he can’t avoid this for long. They need to get used to it, both of them.

When Kyuhyun realizes what’s happening, he shakes his head and walks to the kitchen as fast as possible. He clenches the hem of his shirt as he breathes harshly. He felt suffocated when Siwon smiled at him and his sight is starting to get blurry because his eyes are full with tears. He needs to be strong. He can’t cry in front of Siwon. He can’t.

Looking at the weird situation between WonKyu, Donghae is confused when the couple isn’t hugging each other and kissing passionately. That is the weirdest thing that he has ever witnessed between Kyuhyun and Siwon. At least Kyuhyun will pout or yell at Siwon if they’re fighting, but nothing happened except that awkward smile from Siwon and a strange look from Kyuhyun. Donghae crouches in front of Siwon who’s now leaning his back on the couch with his eyes closed and he can guess that something is wrong. He then stands up in front of him with arms folded over his chest.

“Siwon, are you okay?” Donghae asks so carefully.

“Euhm. Hyung, please don’t ask anything because I’ll tell you everything when we’re dinning. Let’s just wait for Hyukkie hyung” Siwon opens his eyes and gives donghae a fake smile.

“Tsk! As always. You only call me and Eunhyuk ‘hyung’ if you have a problem or want to tell us something” Donghae rolls his eyes and pretends to be annoyed but in fact he’s very grateful that Siwon wants to share his problems with them.

“Oh, come on Hae. I know you like it. Beside it’s been so long since the last time we went out together, the three of...” Siwon stops his words when he sees Kyuhyun walking back to his room.

Kyuhyun passes them without uttering a single word. He’s too busy calming himself down and holding back his tears. However, they betray him as they stream down his cheeks. Once inside the room, he closes the door and sits behind it on the floor while hugging his knees before he starts sobbing silently. He doesn’t want anyone to hear his sobs, especially not Siwon so he covers his mouth with his hand.

“You miss him” Donghae knows. He can see it in Siwon’s eyes that are still staring at Kyuhyun’s room door.

“...”

“Siwon. Are you o—?” Donghae’s words are cut off by Eunhyuk who just arrived.

“Hi. Sorry I’m late. I think we can go now” Eunhyuk grins while rubbing his nape.

“No, that’s okay. You came on the right time” Siwon answers as he stands up and grabs his coat beside him.

Donghae sighs while he glares at Eunhyuk, while the latter so confused with his lover’s and Siwon’s behavior since he doesn’t know anything. Donghae just hopes Siwon will tell them everything as soon as they reach the place.

The EunHae couple is just following Siwon who already walked out and left them.

Kyuhyun can hear the dorm’s door open and then close again. He sighs, standing up and laying his body on his bed. He closes his eyes and as soon as he does, memories from last week begin flashing in his mind. How did they end up being like strangers? It’s Siwon’s fault, right? Not his.

Kyuhyun expresses how much he’s upset with Siwon but suddenly he feels so stupid. Why is he crying if it wasn’t his fault? But he’s the one who asked for the break up.

He gets up from the bed and walks to his dresser. He looks at himself in the mirror. His eyes are puffy and already have dark circles.

Are you happy, Cho?

Yes.

Such a bad liar. You know you’re not.

He abandoned me. He disappointed me.

Tsk! What about you? You never disappointed him? You and your business.

I always try my best to make him happy… But him? He always chose his ing schedules over me.

You are so funny. Did he ever get really angry at you? Sulking? Yelling?

....

You should know his heart too, not just his words.

Kyuhyun sighs. It’s too late because he already said the forbidden words without thinking beforehand... It’s over now.

***

“You‘re joking. This isn’t funny Siwon” Donghae shouts in disbelief.

They are in their favorite restaurant now, already ate lunch and had an exciting chit chat but it’s over when Siwon told EunHae what actually happened between him and Kyuhyun. And as expected, Donghae and Eunhyuk didn’t believe him.

“Why should I make this as a joke? Then this is the worst joke that I ever told you so far. It’s true, Hae. We broke up last week” Siwon is trying to assure the two with a sad tone.

“Hae, I don’t think he’s lying. What’s the reason behind this unexpected break up?” Eunhyuk pats Donghae’s shoulder then he tilts his head towards Siwon who stares at his friends with sad orbs.

“I don’t know. It happened so fast. He was angry and yelled at me because of my schedules in Japan, then he got angrier when he knew that I would watch SNSD’s concert. I couldn’t do anything about that, hyung. You know that I already tried to convince manager hyung to change my schedule but I failed. He threw a tantrum and said that he’s tired of me. He asked me to break up and the worst part is that I couldn’t hold myself like I used to. I blurted out my feelings to him”

Siwon sighs as he continues his story.

“And I think you know what happened next” Siwon stares at his friends that are carefully listening to his story.

“But you don’t look like someone who just broke up with his lover. You’re too calm, Siwonnie” Donghae puts his hand on Siwon’s and squeezes it.

“Yes, Siwon. Donghae is right. Are you really alright?”

“No, I’m not. Hurt, upset, sad and regretful, all mixed up in one feel. I can’t cry anymore. I was crying and scolding myself when I was in Japan, but when I got back to my apartment, I couldn’t cry although I felt suffocated. There are so many memories between us… Too many” Siwon tries hard to maintain his expression and hold back his tears.

“But somehow, I felt like this is my fault because I couldn’t express my true feelings well and I couldn’t make my time for Kyuhyun’s musical. But that schedule was arranged by the company. I couldn’t do anything. I just needed his understanding”

“That was no one’s fault. It was just bad timing. Maybe he was tired because of his trip and you were tired because of you hectic schedule, so you two were just missing each other and upset because of your sudden trip you wouldn’t be able to be together”

Donghae tries hard to calm Siwon. He apologetically looks at his friend before adding.

“I should’ve guessed this when I felt something is wrong with Kyuhyun. Ever since last week, he never plays his game, he will always sleep when his schedules are over or when he’s free, and he would just come out when he needs to go to the bathroom or take a bath or eat if he want.” Donghae puts his finger on his lips.

“Siwon-ah, stay strong. He will come back to you. Trust me!” Eunhyuk smiles and tries to give Siwon the ‘everything is going to be okay’ look.

“I don’t know. That’s why I need you. I need you to help me” Siwon folds his arms over his chest.

“What? How can we help you?” Donghae asks curiously.

“Do you want to get him back?”

Siwon shakes his head when he hears Eunhyuk’s words…

“No. I want to make our relationship like it was the first time me and Kyuhyun met. Like Hyung and Dongsaeng… My favorite dongsaeng” Siwon smiles bitterly after saying these words. He can’t believe that he’s the one who’s asking this because he’s afraid to lose Kyuhyun.

“WHAT?! No, Siwon!” Donghae shouts before covering his mouth.

“This is ridiculous”

Donghae and Eunhyuk can’t believe what Siwon just said. They know that Siwon still loves Kyuhyun and Kyuhyun loves him as well, and they can’t do this silly favor for Siwon since they know that Siwon is Kyuhyun’s and Kyuhyun is Siwon’s. They are born to be together.

Donghae tilts his head to Eunhyuk’s direction, looking him right in his eyes. He looks like he wants to tell him something and Eunhyuk as well. They seem to be on the same page and they know what to do.

“Okay. We will help you, Siwon. But we have a favor” Eunhyuk grins while Donghae is confused about his lover’s words.

“Really? You’re the best. What’s that?” Siwon can’t help but feel a little bit happy with that although he’s sad because soon Kyuhyun will be just his dongsaeng not his lover.

“We should take a selca here and then post it on our own twitter. Hehehe” Eunhyuk chuckles when he sees Siwon and Donghae dumbfounded.

“Is that all?”

“Yeah! That’s not hard, right?”

“Fine”

Eunhyuk smirks, tilting his head then stealing a peck from Donghae’s lips before taking the picture. Siwon is just rolling his eyes in annoyance while Donghae is cupping his blushing cheeks. Eunsihae will be a hot topic on twitter and Eunhyuk knows that Kyuhyun will find out about this picture right after they post it.

***

Siwon is still in front of their dorm as Eunhae just got out of his car. He’s thinking about his decision… Is it the right decision for us? He then ruffles his hair in frustration.

Siwon is tired.  This break up thing is torturing him so much and he wants to get over it as fast as possible. But how can he? He still loves Kyuhyun so much, and that’s why he made this decision. He doesn’t want to lose Kyuhyun. He wants to stay beside him even though just as his hyung.

‘Is he hurt like me? Does he think about me?’

Suddenly, Siwon is afraid to think that Kyuhyun is happy without him and that he had already moved on and left Siwon behind him only as a memory.

It’s too scary for him. Siwon gets out from his car, then he starts running as fast as he can, panting when he reaches their dorm’s rooftop.

He stands there with his hands in his pockets, closing his eyes and letting the wind take away his frustration.

However, it doesn’t heal his broken heart. He feels calm now but his heart still hurts. His eyes are still closed when he hears some footsteps that he knows so well.

“Oh, I guess there’s no one here. Maybe I should just go”

***

While Siwon is frustrating with his own thoughts, duo Eunhae are smirking at each other as they walk in the same direction… Maknae’s room. They step into the room, finding it already dark which means the owner is already sleep. They crouch next to the bed and start disturbing Kyuhyun until he is fully awake. They tickle him, pinch his chubby cheeks and they don’t stop even when the maknae growls and grumbles in annoyance. Kyuhyun is pissed off as he glares at the men who dare to bother him when he’s sleeping.

“HYUNGS! What are doing here? Get out!” He pushes Eunhyuk and Donghae away.

He’s already annoyed by these two ever since he saw their picture with Siwon a few hours ago, and now they dare to bother him. They want to die soon or what? Kyuhyun rolls his eyes when he sees his hyungs are being stubborn.

“Kyu, I want to tell you something”

“What? You have five minutes starting now”

“Siwon...”

***

“Oh, I guess there’s no one here. Maybe I should just go”

“Do you know where I am when you said that I’m the third as your favorite hyung? … You don’t know, right?” Siwon chuckles awkwardly. He knows it’s Kyuhyun who’s standing behind him… His Kyuhyun.

“I wonder if you were looking for me that day. I wonder if you know that I was upset. Although I was drunk, my mind was still clear. We both have a high tolerance for alcohol. My heart sank when you said that to me. I felt empty although you were right in front of me”

“...”

“I’m here, Kyu. I couldn’t express my feelings so well like what you did. I would always be calm in front of you when I felt upset or angry with you. I always hold my anger. I couldn’t really get angry and yell at you. I’m just.... I’m just... Sorry, Kyu” ‘I just love you too much, baby’ he continues his words on his mind, he can’t say it out loud when he and Kyuhyun are already broken up.

“And I also can’t do anything with your Kyu-line. I’m glad that you have such good friends like them. They care about you, they love you too, but I can’t help but feel that I’m being left behind. I can only see your back when you are with them.  We would be near each other but yet so far away. You always make your time for them when we both know that our time is limited because of our hectic schedules, and again I can’t do anything about that except grant your wishes. I don’t have a ‘NO’ word for you… As long as you’re happy”

“Siwon…” Kyuhyun whispers before biting on his lips to prevent his sobs from getting loud.

He can feel Siwon is hurt. He’s hurting so much and Kyuhyun realizes that he never complained about anything to him. He never got angry at him even when Kyuhyun was being annoying like . Siwon always gave him his dimpled smile.

Kyuhyun would say sorry with his teary eyes when Siwon sulked or was a bit angry, and it always worked without a hard effort. Kyuhyun never really cared about that, as long as Siwon was smiling, it meant he was happy and everything was alright. But he never saw Siwon’s true feelings through his dark orbs.  Kyuhyun is the one who was a stupid here, not Siwon. But why Siwon is the one who’s saying sorry to him.

“But I regret being me. Being someone who couldn’t express his true feelings for his lover, being someone who was stupid and couldn’t make his time for his lover out of his crazy schedules, being someone who made his lover tired of him that he had to leave him. I’m sorry for everything Kyu. Please be happy, baby. I will always be beside you even if it’s just as your hyung”

Siwon turns around and walks closer to Kyuhyun who just stares at him while still trying hard to adsorb Siwon’s words.

When Siwon stands in front of Kyuhyun, he observes the younger’s face, the one he missed so much this past week. He starts from his brown curly hair, beautiful forehead, pretty brown orbs, pointed nose, chubby pinky cheeks, to his plump sweet lips. Siwon leans closer and puts his lips on Kyuhyun’s. He closes his eyes while Kyuhyun is surprised with the unexpected kiss. Their lips touch into a soft kiss through which Siwon is trying to send his true feelings to Kyuhyun... His love and his hurting heart.

Kyuhyun feels the kiss is sweet yet bitter. He can feel Siwon being gentle but the kiss is only sweet at first and it soon turns bitter when he can feel Siwon’s hurt for all this time.

Kyuhyun feels upset when Siwon is the one who pull away. He can feel Siwon’s warm breath against his lips and it makes him realize that he misses him. His eyes get blurry when Siwon pats his head and he can only bend his head down. He can’t let Siwon know that he’s crying.

“Our last kiss. I promise Kyu. Thank you” Siwon smiles sadly and pats Kyuhyun’s head once more before walking toward the door. He really wants to hug Kyuhyun but if he does, he’s afraid he won’t be able to let him go so he urges himself to leave.

However when Siwon is ready to twist the door’s knob, he feels someone hugging him from behind and when he touches the hands that’s wrapped around his waist, the hug gets even tighter.

“Siwon… I’m sorry, but I can’t be your dongsaeng and I’ll never want to be”

***

I'm sorry T-T

please don't hunt me ....

SiwonnieFan has been nag me about this angst .. I'm sorry..

I don't know why make them like this.. but I promise it will end beautifully :*

leave a coment .. and thank you agai for SiwonnieFan, I love YOU

Let's spreading WONKYU love :D