Siwon POV

I’m about to cry while resting on Ryeowook’s lap. I don’t know what’s happening with me. It seems I can’t control myself. My brain and heart aren’t connected well, and it makes me frustrated. I can feel someone’s hand holding my arms tightly as he helps me sit down, and when I lift my head, I can see Donghae’s worried look. I don’t struggle when he drags me to his room. I’m too tired right now and I have no strength left... Kyuhyun isn’t here.

“Hae. I’m tired” I said to Donghae almost in an audible tone but I’m sure he heard it.

“I know Siwonnie. That’s why I bring you here. You need to sleep. Okay?”Donghae answers softly as he smiles at me.

I just nod at him while he helps me lay down on his shared bed with Eunhyuk. I feel relieved that when I realize I still have them, my best friends. Although they don’t know what exactly happened to me, they always comfort me. I’m really grateful that they’re not asking me what and why, because if they do, I’ll feel sorry toward them since I can’t answer their questions. I don’t want them to become worried about us, me and Kyuhyun.

“Siwonnie, I’ll leave you here. You should sleep” He smiles again while his hand is patting mine that is rested on my stomach. I keep silent but when he almost reaches the door, I call him.

“Hae”

“Yes?” He tilts his head.

“Thank you so much” I’m trying hard to smile at him and he smiled back before stepping out of the bedroom.

Alone… Lonely... Kyuhyun… I miss him. Did I exaggerate about this matter? Or am I getting impatient? Baby, I’m sorry. He often chooses his Kyu-line over me, but I never react like today. I don’t know why, but I feel his Kyu-line pushes me away from him although I know he loves me so much. I already got used to that, but I don’t know why I’m being so sensitive recently. Is it because of my hectic schedules? But Kyuhun is busier than me these days.

Oh God, maybe I should sleep like what Donghae told me. Siwon, you should sleep.

…

It’s already been fifteen minutes since I closed my eyes, but I’m still fully awake although my eyes are closed. I heard someone open the door and since I know every members’ footsteps, I can guess it’s Ryeowook. Maybe Hae asked him to check on me? He doesn’t stay long in the room since I hear him stepping out and drags the door closed with him. However, before he fully closes it, I can hear him say “You’re stupid, Kyu”

‘Kyuhyun is here’

I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling. Suddenly, I feel guilty toward him. Am I too selfish? He deserves his private time with his friends, right? I’m becoming too possessive toward him. This isn’t right.

‘You can’t leave him alone out there with your hyungs, Siwon’ With that thought in mind, I get up from the bed and walk to the door.

“But I made him upset twice this week. Hyung, I made him sad” I hear Kyuhyun say when I’m about to open the door.

I’m wrong. I can’t be tired so easily. He’s my everything and if he’s sad, then I’m sad. If he cries, then I’ll cry with him. I’ll give him anything so I can make him happy... Because Kyuhyun’s happiness is Siwon’s.

When I’m out of the room, I lean on the wall near the door. No one notices me so I just keep silent and listening to their talk. I see Kyuhyun in Donghae’s embrace, sobbing. How I want to run to him and pull him into my arms.

“I love him hyung. What if he’s angry at me? Hyuung”

‘I love you too, baby.’

I can’t help but smile when I hear his words. He is so innocent and he should know that I can’t really be angry at him.

“Kyuhyun, look at me. He can’t be angry at you. He loves you so much, Cho Kyuhyun. You just need to be more sensitive about his feelings. He is human too, he is not god. He has a heart, please Kyu… don’t hurt his weak heart”

I freeze in place. Donghae is right. I can’t lie to myself although I always try to hide my feelings. I’m not God, and my heart is weak. But I always put Kyuhyun in first place. I just love him too much. My baby, this topic should end here. It becomes too much somehow.

“Hyung, I hurt him. I—“

“No, baby. You never hurt me. If you are happy, I’m happy too. Please don’t cry baby, that’s what hurt me” I cut his words as I crouch next to him.

***

Siwon rubs his eyes, he can see Kyuhyun sitting on the edge of the bed staring at him, and when the latter notice that he’s already awake, he moves closer to his lover.

“K—Kyu, what’s wr—mmppphh” Siwon’s words are cut off when Kyuhyun kisses him.

Siwon is shocked at first but he kisses Kyuhyun back while his eyes flutter close. Although he doesn’t know why the sudden affection, but he enjoys it anyway. Suddenly he remembers something, so he pulls away.

“Why? What’s wrong?” Kyuhyun pouts when Siwon ends their morning kiss. He was expecting more than that damn kiss.

“Good morning and happy birthday, my one and only baby” Siwon cups Kyuhyun’s face and kisses his pouty lips, more passionately this time.

“Mmphh, S—siwon. I love you” Kyuhyun says between their wet kiss, as they keep and biting on each other’s lips.

Siwon missed Kyuhyun’s plump lips, while Kyuhyun missed Siwon’s soft ones. They miss their moments like this, moments when they are together. Their crazy schedules were always a problem, but now that they’re together, they plan on cherishing each second. When they’re out of breath, they pull away.

“I love you too, baby” Siwon smiles, resting his temple on Kyuhyun’s.

Kyuhyun smiles back with pinkish cheeks as he hugs Siwon. How he wants to stay there with his boyfriend on his birthday, but he can’t. He needs to go today with his friends. Actually, Kyuhyun is still feeling bad towards Siwon, but he can’t break his promise with Kyu-line.

‘Why do I sense that Siwon forgot about my trip with Kyu-line today? What should I do?’ Kyuhyun hugs Siwon even tighter like he doesn’t want to let him go anywhere.

“B—baby. I I can’t breathe” Siwon moves his hands up and down along Kyuhyun’s back.

“Hyung, you know what is today, right?” Kyuhyun pulls away and Siwon’s cheek.

“Of course I know. How could I forget about your day, Kyu” Siwon frowns.

“I’m sure you’ll never forget my day, Siwon. But is there anything else that you remember?”

Siwon looks at Kyuhyun in the eyes before he lets his orbs wander around the maknae’s room until his sight land on some luggage. All of a sudden, he remembers about their conversations about Kyu-line’s trip a few days ago and his heart sinks.

“You’ll go with your friends” Siwon looks away with a forced smile.

“I’ll be back as soon as possible. I’ll call you immediately when we arrive there” Kyuhyun sighs.

“Just enjoy your trip, BabyKyu. I hope you’ll be happy with your friends there” Siwon ruffles Kyuhyun’s hair while his lips are trying hard to smile.

The younger’s heart feels like it’s breaking into little pieces when he hears Siwon’s word. Is he making the right decision?

“Look, I’m so sorry about this, Siwon. You have no idea how I want to spend my birthday with you”

“But you can’t” Siwon gets up and walks to the bathroom, leaving Kyuhyun alone.

Kyuhyun sighs… again.

“Siwonnie, I’m sorry. How many times do I have to say these words? Thousands times I said them but maybe it’s not worth it. Just this time Siwonnie, I’ll come back tomorrow. Don’t you want to kiss me before I leave?” Kyuhyun shouts in front of the bathroom door, but there’s no response.

Siwon doesn’t answer Kyuhyun. He just stands there leaning his back on the door as he closes his eyes and sighs. He needs to calm down and let go of his anger.

When Kyuhyun is ready and about to leave, he hears a click from the bathroom door and soon two strong arms wrap around his waist from behind as he can feel Siwon’s breathe on his nape.

“How can I just let you go before kissing you and hugging you, baby? Eumh” Siwon plants kisses on Kyuhyun’s neck and nape.

The latter turns his body to face Siwon, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend’s neck. Siwon leans forward, pressing his lips on Kyuhyun’s… He’ll miss his baby.

Kyuhyun bites on Siwon’s lower lip before on it, while Siwon kisses him back, deepening the kiss until it’s a passionate one. Although Siwon doesn’t want to end it, he has to because he doesn’t want Kyuhyun to be late because of him. So he pulls away and hugs Kyuhyun tightly.

“I’ll miss you baby” He whispers lowly but Kyuhyun hears him nonetheless.

“I’ll miss you too, Siwonnie. I love you” Kyuhyun smiles and pecks Siwon’s lips.

“I love you too, Kyu. You should leave now. I don’t want them to scold you for being late” Siwon Kyuhyun’s cheek then pulls him into his embrace once again.

Kyuhyun just smiles. Once they head to the dorm’s door, Kyuhyun hugs Siwon before waving his hands at him and turning to leave. Siwon waves back, staring at his lover’s back and sighing. He’s alone once again. It’s too early for the other members to wake up, and Siwon understands that they must be tired because of last night’s incident.

***

Finally, they arrive at the ski place. Kyuhyun doesn’t talk much, not like his friends who are so excited. They go to the hotel near the ski place and they choose to stay in one room together so they can chat and have fun during their time here. Kyuhyun is glad for the room, because he won’t feel lonely when he doesn’t have Siwon with him.

“Kyu, come in. Why are you just standing in front of the door?” says Jonghyun who feels suspicious about Kyuhyun’s weird behavior ever since they started off their trip.

“Oh, yes. I just spaced out because I have so many things that I want to do here” Kyuhyun lies because he actually was thinking about Siwon.

“Yeah! Same with me hyung. We need to do all of those things fast because we don’t have much time here” Minho pouts when he realizes tomorrow they’ll be heading to Seoul again thanks to their hectic schedules.

“I don’t want to be stuck in here with you forever” Kyuhyun rolls his eyes, pretending to be annoyed.

“What? Me too! I’ll choose to stay forever with a baby lion rather than an evil like you. I can’t even think about that” Minho walks passed Kyuhyun.

“Yah! YOU” Kyuhyun smacks the back of his head, while the latter runs away to the bathroom. He can’t stay there if he still wants to live.

Changmin and Jonghyun just laugh at their friends’ silly quarrel as they are busy unpacking their luggage while preparing for the ski. Kyuhyun sits on his single bed, picking up his phone because he needs to call Siwon. Actually Kyuhyun feels weird because Siwon hasn’t called him or even texted him. Siwon always calls or texts him when he goes somewhere without him like this time, but this time is different.

“Should I call him?” Kyuhyun whispers.

“You should call him Kyu. Sometimes we need to do it first” Changmin says as he smiles and pats Kyuhyun’s back. The maknae stands up and walks to the window near him. Changmin is right, he needs to call Siwon.

“Hello hyung” Kyuhyun says as soon as Siwon answers his call.

“Hey, baby” Kyuhyun can hear Siwon’s husky voice through the phone.

“I’m already here, Siwonnie. What are you doing now?” Kyuhyun doesn’t know why, but he feels like he wants to cry when he hears Siwon’s voice.

“I was waiting for your call. I miss you, baby”

“I—I miss you too Siwonnie. Hiks” Kyuhyun can’t help but cry. He really wants to meet Siwon right now.

“Hey, Kyu? What’s wrong? Why are you crying? What are those brats doing to you? Are you sick? Baby?” Kyuhyun can feel Siwon’s worried tone.

“Siwonnie. C-can you come here? I want to see you” Kyuhyun whines while his tears keep flowing down his face.

“What? Baby, I have schedules and some meetings tonight. I would if I could, really. Besides, your friends won’t be pleased if I join your privacy time with them. We will meet tomorrow in our apartment. Okay?” Siwon convinces Kyuhyun.

“Fine. But we must meet tomorrow. I miss you” Kyuhyun pouts.

“No pouting, baby. And I miss you too” Siwon can’t help but smile. He’s just happy that he knows Kyuhyun is missing him as well, just like him who can’t stop thinking about his boyfriend.

“I’m not, Siwon. I’ll hang up now”

When Kyuhyun ends his call, he joins his friends who are chatting in front of TV. He wants to enjoy his time with his friends, and he’s a bit relieved now that he called Siwon and heard his voice. So it’s time to have fun with his friends because today is his birthday, right?

***

Siwon stares at his phone blankly. He doesn’t realize Eunhyuk walking toward him until he’s sitting beside him on the couch.

“Sometime we need to express our feelings openly too. Because if we keep them locked for too long, it won’t do any good for our heart” Eunhyuk says, leaving Siwon startled.

“Uh?”

Siwon can’t understand what’s the meaning behind Eunhyuk’s words, but the latter just smiles and pats his shoulder. Eunhyuk already knows this man for almost ten years now, so he knows when his friend is upset, when he’s angry, when he’s sad, and when he’s not happy. Eunhyuk knows each feeling from Siwon’s eyes. Siwon, Donghae and himself are best friends.

Eunhyuk and Donghae know that their friend’s feelings are twisted right now, and sometimes the former wants to scold him whenever he doesn’t express what exactly he’s feeling, but he knows Siwon isn’t the kind of guy who likes to talk about his feelings freely to anyone including his best friends.

“Don’t act like you don’t know what I mean, Siwon. I know you for too long now” Eunhyuk crosses his arms over his chest.

“Is it so obvious, Hyuk?” Siwon smiles bitterly.

“It’s no good to you to keep your upset feelings for yourself, Siwon. He needs to know. Yeah, although I don’t know what’s the reason behind your disappointment, but you don’t need to tell me if you don’t want to”

“.....” Siwon is lost his words. He just lowers his head and covers his face with his palms.

“Siwon, sometimes it’s okay to argue with your lover. When we do, it makes our love toward each other even stronger. Trust me”

“I don’t want to lose him, Hyuk”

“You won’t, Choi Siwon. He loves you as much as you love him” Eunhyuk drapes his arm over Siwon’s shoulder.

Siwon is just silent. Eunhyuk knows that he will blurt out his feelings anytime like a bomb, and he’s afraid when that time comes, that Siwon won’t be able to control his anger. That’s why it will be better if Siwon can express his feelings openly. Eunhyuk wants to talk to him more but he can’t continue their conversation because their manager comes in, interrupting them.

“Siwon, you didn’t forget about your flight to Japan tomorrow evening, did you?” He asks Siwon who is still busy with his own thought.

“What? Oh, !! I really forgot about that hyung” Siwon stands up immediately when he hears his manager’s words since tomorrow is also Kyuhyun’s last musical performance.

“As I’ve expected. You better prepare for your trip now. Oh by the way Siwon, you also need to attend SNSD concert there” He adds before turning around to leave.

“Hyung, wait! Can we delay my schedules there? Tomorrow is Kyuhyun’s last musical performance. I need to watch it or it will be a disaster, hyung. Please” he asks his manager with a pleading look.

“We can’t Choi Siwon. Your schedule will get messed up if I change it. I don’t want to get scolded by Sooman-ssi because of that. You just need to prepare for tomorrow” He pats Siwon shoulder before leaving him with Eunhyuk.

“I didn’t know you have schedules in Japan” Eunhyuk asks as he sees Siwon ruffling his hair in frustration.

“Yeah, it’s a sudden schedule, Hyukkie. For the 3rd wave album promotions” He lazily replies.

“I have to go now. Thank you Hyuk” Siwon smiles and hugs his friend.

 “Take care. Just call me or Hae if you need help” Eunhyuk smiles back.

“I know. Thank you again, Hyukkie” Siwon smiles again before leaving the dorm and heading back to his apartment.

On the way home, Siwon is busy thinking about how he should explain to Kyuhyun that he can’t watch his last musical performance tomorrow. How can he forget about that and didn’t tell Kyuhyun about it as soon as he got the schedule a few days ago? This is a disaster.

***

It’s hard even more for Siwon to go to Japan when his relationship with Kyuhyun is in crisis. That’s how he sees it although he’s not so sure Kyuhyun thinks about it in the same way as him. Kyuhyun on the other side, is having fun with his friend, playing with snow, chatting freely, laughing, playing around with each other. They are doing everything that they want to do together. Yeah, even though Kyuhyun still feels a bit upset that he can’t spend his birthday with Siwon, but he enjoys his time with his friends.

“Wait, w—wait !!.” He shouts to interrupt his friends who are ready to attack him with a snowball when he senses his phone vibrating.

“Hello, Siwooonieee!” he picks up his phone and jumps in joy when he sees who’s on the phone.

“Hey, sweetie. Are you having fun there?” Siwon is trying hard to greet his lover as cheerful as possible.

“Yes. But it will be more fun if you were here” Kyuhyun pouts while his hand is fixing his beanie.

“It doesn’t matter, baby. As long as you have fun and you’re happy there, it’s enough” Siwon smiles bitterly as he remembers how much he wants to be with Kyuhyun right now. Luckily for him, they are on the phone so Kyuhyun can’t see his face.

“Of course it’s not! I’ll happier if you were here. I miss you, you know?” Kyuhyun whines.

“Oh, sweetie. I miss you too. By the way, what are you doing right now?” Even though Siwon can’t see him , he knows that his lover is sulking right now.

“We’re just playing around in a snowball war. It’s paused because you’re calling me, but I like it” Kyuhyun chuckles cutely while his cheeks feel like burning.

“Oh, really? I like it too when I call you, so I can hear your sweet voice. Euhm baby?” Siwon clears his throat.

“Yes Siwonnie?”

Kyuhyun senses something is wrong with Siwon’s next words. Waiting for whatever his boyfriend wants to tell him, he doesn’t notice how Minho is sneaking closer to him with a snowball in each hand, ready to attack him from the side. Kyuhyun is on the phone for too long in Minho’s opinion, so he decides to throw the snowballs at his direction.

“I want you to know that I need to go t—“ Siwon’s words are cut off by the chaos that’s happening through his phone as he hears a sound of someone falling.

“Yah! Mphh—how dare you throw those damned snowballs at me!”  Kyuhyun can feel the coolness of the snow on the part of his bare skin. He gets up and takes his phone from the ground, really wanting to run after Minho but he doesn’t as soon as he remembers that he’s still on the phone with Siwon.  He needs to end their conversation before he catches Minho.

“Hyuuung, I gotta go now. I’ll call you later. Okay? Bye” Kyuhyun hangs up the phone without waiting for Siwon’s response.

“Kyu, wait a moment. I .... will go to Japan tomorrow” Siwon says it in almost an audible tone although he knows that Kyuhyun hung up already.

Unaware of what he did, Kyuhyun is trying to catch Minho, and giving him some lessons.

“Hyung, s—stop it. It’s cold. Oh!” Minho pleads.

“You did this to me first” Kyuhyun smirks when he hears Minho pleading him to stop.

There’s no one who can win over this maknae. Except for his heart maybe since Siwon already won it… almost.

“I promise I won’t do that again hyung. I promise” Minho begs out loud while trying to block Kyuhyun’s hands.

“Better you keep that promise, Minho-ah” Kyuhyun pats Minho’s head and smiles.

***

They decide to grab dinner before heading back to their room. They are tired but they are having fun. They need to sleep because they’ll be going back to Seoul tomorrow morning, stuck in their hectic schedule’s once again. Kyuhyun wants to make up with Siwon. He wants to be with him. He’s feeling bad for forgetting to call him back.

***

“Seriously, Siwon? So you’ll leave me when we just met, and you didn’t even tell me about this ing schedule?” Kyuhyun shouts at Siwon with a high tone.

This is unbelievable for Kyuhyun who just reached Siwon’s apartment, rushing since he missed him so much, but what he gets when he puts his feet inside, is a disappointment.  He’s so upset when Siwon tells him everything. The older needs to go to Japan because he has promotions for his 3rd wave album, but what the hell does that have to do with that ing SNSD concert? Kyuhyun will be doing his last performance for his musical right at the same time with SNSD’s concert that Siwon is obliged watch. So what about him? His musical is important to him, and he wants his precious one to watch and support him.

“I’m so sorry, Kyu. I didn’t expect that I would have schedules in Japan, and for SNSD’s concert, it’s an order from Sooman-ssi. I can’t refuse it. I’m so sorry” Siwon walks closer to Kyuhyun but the latter walks away.

“How could you not tell me about this earlier? We just met Siwon, and you’ll leave me without watching my last musical performance first?” Kyuhyun stares at Siwon with anger in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Kyu”

“I see! You choose your work over me. Just do what you wanna do, Choi Siwon. But don’t regret anything after this” Kyuhyun walks toward the door, leaving Siwon without bothering to hear his answer.

“Kyu! W—wait!” Siwon runs after his lover and hugs him from behind.

“Let me go!” Kyuhyun shouts coldly.

“No, I miss you. I know you miss me too. Please, I just wanna stay like this for a moment before I go” Siwon hugs him even tighter.

“LET.ME.GO, Choi Siwon!” Kyuhyun struggles in Siwon’s embrace.

“Kyu, please just hold your anger until I come back. Can we just hug each other without fight and anger? I miss you, Kyu. Please!” Siwon pleads as he Kyuhyun’s face and kisses top of his head.

“How do you expect me to react to this ing situation, Siwon? You’ll leave me when I just reached your apartment. I come here rushing as fast as the light, and I miss you too by the way. But you will be going to someone’s concert instead of my last musical performance, and you want me to hold back my anger until you come back here? I’ll explode into pieces, Siwon. Arrgh!” Kyuhyun pulls Siwon away, he can’t hold it anymore.

It hurts for both of them.

“I’m sorry Kyu. I promise I’ll make it up to you, baby” Siwon tries to convince his angry lover, although he’s trying hard not to blurt out his true feelings. He can’t make this situation any worst than it already is.

“How? You want me to pretend that I’m happy you’re going to Japan and watch that damn concert? So stupid” Kyuhyun rolls his eyes in annoyance.

Silent.

“K—kyu. I’m so—“

“Let’s break up!” Siwon’s words are cut off by Kyuhyun who coldly blurts out.

The maknae doesn’t realize that he just said the forbidden words. He regrets it as soon as they came out of his mouth, but he is just too pride to take them back. He’s trying hard to manage his expression, reassuring himself that his decision is for the best for both of them.

Siwon is so shocked. He can’t adsorb Kyuhyun’s words as his brain freezes. He shakes his head in disbelief. Maybe he needs to go to a doctor in Japan because he has problems with his ears. He believes Kyuhyun won’t say those words because he loves him.

“Let’s break up! I’m tired with all of this. I’m tired with your hectic schedules. I’m tired of you! Even you can’t manage to come to my musical, even for just once!” Kyuhyun says it in anger. He can’t think straight.

“I can’t believe you just said that, Kyu” Siwon’s voice turns cold. He’s always the one the blame in this relationship.

“You always choose your work! I can’t t—“

“WHAT ABOUT ME THEN?” Siwon shouts, he can’t hold his anger any longer.

“I’m the one who should be angry here” Kyuhyun glares at Siwon

“Do you ever think about my feelings when you choose your Kyu-line over me? Even when we are on a date, I can’t celebrate your birthday because you choose to go with them. Do you ever think about me? I’m upset too. I’m angry too. You always hang out with them. Your tweets are all about them. You always manage your time for them. It’s always about them!”

“....”

“I always wonder who I am to you… Am I really your lover? I always give in without any complaints. Just once, is it so hard for you to give me your understanding even just a bit? I’m sorry if I make you tired because of my busy schedules, and if you are really tired because of this, I’ll let you go”

“...”

“It hurts… Really hurts!”

“...” Kyuhyun is trying hard to hold back his tears upon hearing Siwon’s last words.

“I’m tired too, Kyu. I’m trying hard to not give up on you, but who’s the one who’s giving up on me now?” Siwon picks up his phone that didn’t stop vibrating when he was talking.

He talks on the phone with someone and Kyuhyun knows who it is. He also knows that Siwon will leave him soon but he just freezes in his spot. His mouth can’t utter a single word. He never expected this kind of reaction from Siwon. He thought Siwon will refuse his decision and convince him to not break up. Kyuhyun squeezes his chest. Why does it hurt so much? He feels like suffocating.

“I gotta go now. Take care of yourself, Kyu” Siwon picks up his luggage while letting his back face Kyuhyun. He doesn’t want him to see his tears. Of course he’s heartbroken but he chooses to let Kyuhyun go. He wants him to be happy even if it’s without him. As long as Kyuhyun is happy, that’s enough.

***

As soon as Siwon leaves him alone, Kyuhyun’s legs get weaker so he sits on the floor, covering his face with his palms. Cho Kyuhyun is crying so hard. His chest, deep inside, his heart is breaking into million pieces. It’s useless for him to regret his words right now.

‘Yes, hyung. You’re right. It hurts… Really hurts!’

***

Sorry, if my story is getting weirder ..

I made them broke up -___-

*deepbow

Thank you again for the beautiful one Siwonniefan :D