It amazed him that his heart still tugged at the thought of Kim Kibum, at any thoughts regarding Kim Kibum. He thought he had closed it, mended the shattered parts and moved on. Hadn’t he told himself it was pointless to wait? Hadn’t he told himself not to chase after the one who willingly left? When Kibum’s former gang paid him a little visit at work to regard him about the “coward’s whereabouts”, he hadn’t told them anything. Because he didn’t know. He didn’t even have a guess – he didn’t know where Kibum was if he wasn’t by his side and that made him pathetic; so he said nothing as they dealt blow upon blow, he had gritted his teeth and endured the pain.  It served as a reminder of his own foolishness, so he took it all willingly. The gang moved onto their next target and Jonghyun lost his job because no respecting company wanted their employee to be involved in a gang. It didn’t matter if it wasn’t his fault, didn’t matter if he was talented.

But, he had moved on, hadn’t he? His hard-work paid off. He graduated, juggled multiple jobs and school. He was starting work on a new single, something he was eagerly looking forward to. Jonghyun didn’t have time for distractions, definitely not some ghost of the past to haunt him.

The number Taemin had given him was thrown into his waste basket, crumpled. 

No, Kim Jonghyun didn’t need a distraction.

He wondered if all his built up angst was affecting his work. The single was supposed to be fresh, maybe a bit too much on the pop side for his liking, but he definitely couldn’t pour out his broken heart onto the pages of his music sheets. So he tucked them away and started a new one.

He couldn’t conjure any images of dancing unicorns or lovely “first” love, not one happy word. Frustrated, he moved away from his desk and walked over to where his piano awaited. The first note jarred his ears. Normally Jonghyun would let his emotions take over, but he couldn’t afford it today. He needed something lively, not a heart drenching song that would immediately get him fired.

Jonghyun tried to remember his first love, a girl in pig tails that smelt of soap and lollipops. She handed him a piece of candy after school and Jonghyun gave her his Mickey Mouse eraser. They lasted exactly two days before she gave his best friend a piece of candy and they skipped off across the recess ground.

He smiled at the memory. Innocence sure was bliss. If only all love could be like the first love. Maybe that was what he needed! A love that always felt like a first love…

Jonghyun grinned. Well, looked like he was going to get his first song done after all. 



Minho didn’t have to guess what his friend was up to when he let himself inside the apartment and was greeted with crumple papers littered all over the floor. So he sat down the brown paper bag that contained their meal for the evening and went about setting the table. There was no need to disturb Jonghyun until the food was ready to go.

He glanced at the clock on the wall and wondered where Jinki and Taemin were, they had all taken it upon themselves to have dinner with Jonghyun whenever they can, just so they know that the boy ate. It had already been five years and though he knew his friend would not starve without him, Minho couldn’t stop the habit. These gatherings were the only time they ever really saw each other anymore. The only time he could be around Taemin, even though the thought of the younger boy made his blood boil. He supposed love was worth it, there were plenty who would vouch for it. But before that, there were trials and heart-wrenching pain and what not…well; Choi Minho would never let himself for into that trap, so he had thought.

Minho slammed the chopsticks down on the table with more force than was necessary. 

 “YAH! Jonghyun! Food’s ready.”

Jonghyun shuffled into the living room, eyes tired, but he managed a lazy smile. “Hm. Chinese? Jinki hyung will be mad you didn’t get his chicken.”

“We’re all going to grow wings soon,” Minho replied, “I think we can lay off chicken this week.”

“Tell that to hyung.”

Minho sighed, pulled out a bucket of fried chicken from the brown bag and placed it in the middle of the table, “I’m not stupid. I don’t want to die.”





Lee Taemin sat across from him. Blonde halo emphasized his wide smile and innocent eyes, but lurking beneath his easy going attitude is a change that Kibum guessed he should have foresaw.  No one stayed the same forever; it was just that he expected Taemin to remain forever a kid, though he knew it wasn’t possible. He guessed it was bittersweet, like watching your kid’s graduation.

“So what happened with Minho?”

“I asked him to make an ultimatum: me or Jinki hyung,” Taemin said with a shrug. “And he refused. He didn’t say it in so many words but he looked at me, and I knew…I wasn’t important enough. I guess it was childish but I wanted him to put me first, you know? And no one comes before Jinki hyung for him. So I ended it.”

“And now?”

“And now…well, we are just all floating along.”

Kibum guessed it was normal to want to be first priority, to have someone’s undivided attention, to be the center of someone’s world. He had never wanted it, never found it appealing to have so much attention. But there were those who needed it.

“Is he the reason why you’re…” Key waved a hand towards Taemin’s direction. The younger boy – or, well, man now – lifted an eyebrow and smirked at him. 

“Different?” Taemin offered.

“Yes.”

“I’m older now, hyung, I can’t be little Taemin forever.”

“Not old enough for the playgrounds, apparently,” Key chuckled as he kicked his legs a bit, swinging a bit higher. Taemin blushed from the bench across from him and for a moment, he saw the old Taemin without the façade of adulthood.

“It’s close to home,” he replied easily, shrugging as he got up to stretch out stiff limps. Taemin grew over the years, tall and lanky. He had a grace that was only evident in dancers and a flexibility that would make anyone’s mouth water – Lee Minho did not know a good thing when he saw it, and Kibum almost felt bad for that ignorant loser who broke his little Taemin’s heart. 

“So, you’re really back, hyung? Are you going to visit…He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?”

Key chuckled, only Taemin would make a reference to Harry Potter. “He’s not a demented wizard, Taemin, you can say this name.”

“I thought it’d be fun to refer to him this way.”

“Hm.”

“We’re having dinner together today,” Taemin informed him, “you should come. Jinki hyung will be there, too, and I’m sure he’d love to see you.”

But not Jonghyun, Key reflected. “Oh, I have plans. Maybe some other time?”

“Seoul’s really not that big, hyung.”

Key smiled, “we might as well be light years away, Taeminnie.”

“I don’t know understand why you can’t just fix things,” Taemin pouted. “You guys walking around like it’s the most “world shattering and heart aching” thing but no one is willing to fix a damn thing.”

 “Should I explain that I broke his heart because I was selfish?” Key retorted. His voice had an edge it rarely did, but it was enough to make his employees’ knees shake. Taemin, he noticed, only stared straight back at him, defiance clearly edged on the other’s face. He sighed, “what good would it do if I waltzed back in?”

“What good are you doing by staying away? And you weren’t selfish, hyung, I’m sure Jonghyun hyung will understand.”

Key lowered his head, “Taeminnie…I’m already putting you at risk by visiting you. So don’t tell the others, okay? Please let’s just enjoy this visit, okay?” 

Taemin studied the boy on the swing, a large hoodie that covered the top-half of his body, zipped all the way to his chin. The hood was pulled up; covering most of his eyes, Key still looked distinguished. 

“When will it all be over?”

Key sighed, “I…don’t know.”

“When this is all over, please,” Taemin pleaded, “please go back to Jonghyun hyung.”




“Taemin…”

“Hi hyung!” 

Minho watched as Taemin crossed the street and up the steps of the corridor. Nothing much has changed, really, just that he grew into that damn face so well. His smile was brighter than before; his eyes were perfect orbs of brown…and that damn body:  lean muscles with a dancer’s grace. Once he caught Taemin stretch his legs back and nearly swallowed his tongue. What was worse was Taemin knew it and he waltzed around flirting with any old men he met!

“What’re you doing?”

“Trash,” Minho gestured at holding up the bag. “Go on in, Jinki hyung and Jonghyun are eating.”

Taemin lingered around instead and waited as Minho walked down the steps to the dumpster and back. He flashed a grin in the older boy’s direction and they started the walk down to Jonghyun’s apartment.

“Where have you been?” Minho asked.

“Playground.”

It took a moment for Minho to realize Taemin wasn’t teasing him like he did sometimes when Minho took on the “appa-tone for no good reason”. It frustrated him to no end to be seen in that way. He wasn't some stuffed up suit who preferred to be tucked away with a book at night. 

“This is getting ridiculous.”

Taemin stopped abruptly when he was yanked backwards and slammed against the wall. His eyes widened in shock and he gulped, the pain of being knocked into the wall forgotten. For a moment, he couldn’t see, then his vision zoomed into the pair of eyes staring at him. His whole body hummed with anticipation. Minho’s face was so close. If he moved forward just an inch, their lips would be reunited.

“I hate this,” Minho’s voice was so pained. He wanted to reach out but his arms were being pinned on either side of his body. And as much as Taemin wanted to move, he couldn’t will his body to do what he wanted.

“H-hyung…”

“It was my fault, I’m sorry. We are this way because of me…because I couldn’t say it.”

“Say what, hyung?” Taemin asked firmly. He knew the answer but it didn’t seem real unless the other person said it, the one who trapped him against the cold wall, the one who trapped his heart since their first meeting.

“Do…you remember what you asked me?”

“Of course,” how could he not remember? “Can I be the most important person to you, hyung?”

Minho straightened to turn his attention to the ground. “For a long time, I took care of Jinki hyung. He was important because he was family and growing up, I never took care of anyone. It became my responsibility because he was so…irresponsible. I didn’t know what you meant back then…when you asked that. I thought that it was the same…I loved you guys the same.

“I didn’t know why you were upset. I just thought that you were selfish to ask me to give up such a friendship.” When Taemin looked like he was about to protest, Minho shook his head. “No, let me finish. Over the years, as I came to take care of Jonghyun more, I realized it’s not the same. The way I felt about wanting to care for Jinki and Jonghyun….it wasn’t the same as with you. I didn’t care about who they were with, what they were doing. I didn’t want them with me…I didn’t miss them the same way. With you, it was just…different.”

“So, what are you saying, hyung?”

“Taemin,” resolved, Minho took the younger’s hand. “I’ve never asked you this before but…will you go out with me?”

“Are you just asking because you don’t want me running around with those guys?” Taemin teased but he cringed when the hands holding his tightened. “Uh, just kidding…”

“I don’t want you anywhere near them.”

Taemin smiled, “in that case, yes!”

He leapt into Minho’s arms and just hung on. Forever, he would never want to leave the warm embrace that filled his heart until it felt like bursting. 




Jinki stood watching the happy couple, his eyes unwavering. He wanted to move but something held him rooted. 

Happiness swelled within him. Finally Taemin got what he wanted all along, the love and recognition from the only person he loved so much. Back then, he was simply a blushing boy, young and impressionable. He followed Minho around much like he did with Key, then even more so after Key left. 

Then one day Jinki found him crying, and it tore his heart. Such a beautiful face was tainted with tears. He watched heart achingly, as Taemin grew and changed into something he couldn’t recognize. An aloof beauty that teased whomever he saw, though it was simply a cry for attention. No one understood Taemin like Jinki did because no one looked over him more, not even Minho. 

And now Taemin was finally happy.

Jinki smiled at his shoes.

He was so happy for the younger boy.

“Oh!” Taemin turned his head, finally aware of his surroundings, his face flushed with excitement. “Jinki hyung,” His smile was replaced with a frown when he asked, “are you crying, hyung? What’s wrong?”

“Jinki ah…”

Quickly, Jinki shook his head. “I’m going to buy some snacks for us! Jonghyun is waiting for you guys to eat…I’ll be back!”

“Hyung!”

He ignored the shouts behind him as he ran blindly to his car. Once inside its safety, Jinki sobbed for his broken heart and wished for its speedy recovery. He didn’t want to walk around feeling this way. He didn’t want to face Taemin without a genuine smile. 

So he would smile and carry on mending his heart. And someday, if he is lucky, love will give him another chance.




Later, once dinner was finished and all the dishes cleared away, Jonghyun sat on the couch, nursing his beer. Minho and Taemin had left early to go on a date, and again, he was left confused by the two younger men. They really needed to send him a memo because frankly, he was never able to keep up with the two. Jinki never came back, and though Jonghyun knew he should worry, he couldn’t bring himself to pick up a phone to call the other. He was sure Jinki would be fine; he always was, after all.

The once crumpled paper was now straightened and smoothed to the best of his ability. He held it between two fingers as if it was something fragile. The numbers were somewhat faded now, but he could still make out the numbers.

“Kibum…”


Your smile, "such a constant ray of sunshine,"
You smile, and wish for your days to start,
They see, the smile you portray,
I know, the unseen tears you hide.

Your love, "so kind, what a sweetheart,"
You love, and wish for a haven to hide,
They see, the warmth from your heart,
I know, the unspoken fear of lies.

And as I watch, hopeless to protect,
your dying heart, fragmented beyond prepare,
And as I watch, frighteningly aware,
you dying inside, only I can detect.