AN: Sorry for keeping you wait that long.... here is the first chapter.... I had the second ready though I'll wait until I finished the third part before updating again but that should not take me too long.... So here it is!! Let me know what you thinks comments are greatly welcomed... Anyway thank you for reading this I hope it worth the time you took for it....

 “I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...” SeungHyun whispered gently those words again and again into his lover's ears. He feels like they said it more often that they should, more often that “I love you”, “I miss you” or “I need you”. Their relation started with those words so it should end with them too. And this realisation makes his soul arching so much.

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Flashback

That night SeungHyun woke up at the sound of his bedroom door being slapped close. He guessed more than saw the small form of his leader running to him. By the time his eyes got rid of the sleepiness JiYong had already found refuge in his embrace, crying silently in his night shirt. After the couple of minutes it took for the older to emerge from his sleepy and shocked numbness, he started rubbing the back of the sobbing blonde unconsciously whispering him comforting words. It took some more minutes for him to understand the murmured mantra the younger was reciting between his sobs

“I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...”

“What's wrong Ji? Why are you apologizing? Shhhh.... You did nothing wrong!” the sad squeak that answered him worried SeungHyun a little

“What is it JiYong? What did you do?” but the only words he got as answer were still the same

“I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...”

Not understanding what was wrong, panic started to make its way into the older mind. Did something go wrong with Kiko? He hoped that it was not that because he knew that he couldn't help that much on this field. Did his leader get involved in another scandal? He was not sure that the younger could manage another one without breaking down definitely, the petite man just recovering from the damages of the last one.

“Please tell me.. I'll help you... You know that I'm here for you, don't you?!... Please Ji...” It was only a moment later, one which seemed to last like hours to SeungHyun, that JiYong stopped his apologies and tried to explain, sentences faltered by hard breathing and quiet sobs.

“… I tried Hyung...

… I really tried...

… For the group...

… I'm scared Hyung...

… It's wrong...

… But I can't...

… It hurts Hyung...

… I can't anymore...

… It's killing me Hyung...

… But I shouldn't...

… It's wrong... and disgusting...

… She said it's disgusting...

… What others will think?...

… What will you think?...

… She came... and you left...

… She knows Hyung...

… She's left me Hyung...

… You weren't here Hyung...

… And I didn't know... where you were?...

… It hurts so much...

… I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...” and JiYong started again his lethargy. SeungHyun took the small face between his palms forcing the younger to look up at him. And while running his thumbs across his cheeks, wiping the tears away, he gently pressed his lips against the plump ones in front of him. When he broke the kiss, he kept his mouth just inches away from the other's one.

“It's nothing wrong Ji! Love can't be wrong! She's so stupid... She knows nothing and doesn't deserve you! Don't be sorry, I love you too!” SeungHyun said softly before leaning back and kissing him again letting more passion took over this time. JiYong melted, he tried to convey all of his soul into the kiss, the heaviness of his guilt and the years of frustration but also all the kindness of his love with the caress of his tongue on the one of the other male. Even with his lungs burning from the lack of oxygen, JiYong didn't want to pull away, he reluctantly did but only when it had become unbearable.

“... Hyung... How did you know?” His heart still running wild because of the intense moment, his brain registered only now that his Hyung actually understood his previous non sense rambling. A small chuckle answered him.

“I'm not as bingu as you all seem to think I am!? Morever I have spent years watching after you so I can read you as an open book” His small smile faded when his gaze locked on the wet eyes of his leader. His lips were instantly assaulted by the little one, their mouth becoming busy on the other's skin, tasting every single part of their faces and heated bodies.

They would think about all the consequences in the morning, for that night they just needed to feel each other, to become one, to make sweet love until their sorrowful tears turned into hot sweat and the longing heaviness escaped through sighs of pleasure. They needed to blow every other thought out. Tomorrow they would consider if that was really as wrong as the others would probably think. But for now, they felt like it couldn't be any more right, and the feeling that they belonged to the other had never left their hearts since that night...

In fact they had fallen for each other a long time ago but before the older had become tired of restraining his feelings and decided to confess, JiYong had brought Kiko to one of the Nuthang parties introducing her as his girlfriend. Of course that had broken SeungHyun's heart but he had thought that it was probably better for JiYong to have a normal life with wife and children, things that he could never offer him, so he had just buried everything inside. That night though, and a couple of others after as well, he had drank all his sorrow out. What SeungHyun didn't know was that one night when JiYong had gone showering after sharing his bed with the girl, hidding his tears though the rain of the shower, he had whispered so many “I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...” for ears who couldn't hear it.

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Two years of dating the girl did nothing to erase the love JiYong felt for his older band mate. Even if he tried to make everything right between his girlfriend and him, Kiko's patience finally ran thin. She couldn't lie to herself anymore. She grew tired of listening to her boyfriend talk about his Hyung all day long, and worst, all date long. She even tried to comfort her so called boyfriend when he broke down in tears because he had seen a drunk SeungHyun kissing DaeSung. She tried to calm him down when a depressed SeungHyun had cried on DongWook's shoulder, and when a tipsy SeungHyun had danced suggestively with SooHyuk, and when a whatever SeungHyun did anything that would make JiYong miserable or jealous…

She heard so much about SeungHyun that she began to be unable to support the man's existence, she couldn't stand to be in the same room of him anymore. One day she just became hysteric seeing the tall man and since then it had became a tacit deal that when one of them entered in a room, the other would leave and it was like that this day too, the day she decided she couldn't stand it anymore.

That day, she came to finish that masquerade of relationship. She didn't love JiYong enough to watch him longing for an other person, the idea that he probably thought of him when they slept together or tried to.... JiYong usually murmuring apologies for not being able to love her properly, disgusted her to the point of feeling nausea twitch her stomach.... It digusted her that he obliviously loved him in a way he shouldn't, that she could do nothing to change that, that she just wasted her time and her heart with a man who never loved her like he should, like she deserved to.

She still loved him enough to not wanting to hurt him too much at last, so she had prepared a whole speech explaining that the feeling between them isn't love, that maybe they're better off this way and it's better that they break... But all her good intentions vanished in the thin air when she entered the room catching sight of the gaze full of love of JiYong, this gaze which should be directed at her, but that he reserved for his f****ing hyung! As the usual, the minute SeungHyun spotted her, his smile faded and he disappeared by a back door, but anger had already made her blood boiling, she felt the fire consume her soul and she couldn't help to spit her venom to the poor little man who now was looking at her. She let a unleashing stream of fury pass through her lips and when she emptied herself, she left without turning back.

JiYong literally crushed under the weight of her disgust, her hatred, her wickedness... but his heart only really tore when, after searching for his sole comfort, he couldn't see SeungHyun anywhere. The other members were too astonished to react, not knowing what to say at first, the awkward moment broke when the leader let silent tears roll down his cheeks, then they approached, showing concern and trying to sooth the pain with comforting empty words which couldn't reach the broken one anyway. When JiYong was finally able to move, he just ran away wanting to be alone.

He wandered for a long time in the busy Seoul streets, not even registering the commotion the idol presence created despite the late hours for he was too lost in his own thought, the last defences he had built against his feelings crumbling as he was trying to sort out what he should do now. His mind replaying Kiko's words in loop, his tears started to overflow again and he couldn't think about nothing else than running to the comfort of his hyung's arms. He always was the only one able to wipe his tears away.

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End of Flashback

JiYong whined, the pain starting to kick in even through the slumber of his deep sleep. SeungHyun's heart tightened at the sound, his hand reaching for his own chest clutching his shirt. His other hand reached for the face of the man he loved more than his own life. He traced the beautiful features of the man in a ghostly caress, running light fingers over the closed eyes, cheeks, jaw, chin and finally lips. A little smile appeared on those at the touch and SeugHyun let a sad smile twitching his too.