He was alone in his office for a while, not being able to think, nor to work. He was lucky he had a person like Minyoon on his side because she managed the organization of the day letting him forget everything. He switched off his phone to lay down on his bed looking at the ceiling, he felt so tired of everything and so sad. How can I go on like this? How am I supposed to face this problem? It was indeed a big problem for him and his family, because in every scandal he passed through there wasn't anything that big. He always tried to hide the fact he liked guys, he even went out with girls for the public to see…so was it all useless? I had to suffer so much and now I feel I worked for nothing. The fact that someone accepted homouals didn't mean anything, the fact in the rest of the world they fought for their rights for years was pointless, because when reality hit hard, in his country they still had so many things to say about it. It was still a strange and weird illness, and it wasn't yet easy to live freely. We are going towards globalization they say, truth is we aren't fully ready for that. It's ok if some family has this "problem" but not if it's a chaebol or an important person, they need to be "normal".

He was even afraid of going out of there, going back home. What if his father was angry with him? What if he was going to get scolded? He hated it the most, he managed to have a good relationship with him lately, of course, it wasn't the best, because he still didn't know of his father loved him or not, but still… he wanted him to be proud of his work and all, and now everything was ruined. How could that man be proud of him if he kept creating problems for the company and his family?

He needed to return home anyway, he was starting to feel lonely in the office and he was scared someone might also decide to go in and find him there. He didn't want that at all because the hotel had the priority and he needed to still protect it from prying eyes, he needed to get out of it as soon as possible.

Going out of the hotel was already hard, because once he got in his car he saw many reporters outside of the gate, waiting for him already. He passed by them hardly, trying not to run over anyone, even if they kept jumping on his car, and taking pics of him through the windows. He covered his face with both arms and tried to go away as fast as possible. Once he was finally on the street he let his tears come out, and he started to sigh soundly, more than once not being able to see the street. He wanted to step on the accelerator and drive like crazy towards he didn't know where, but he realized soon that it was a stupid thing, he didn't want to create more problems, he couldn't even get hurt, not even if he wanted.

The moment he arrived near his house saw something even scarier than before, there, standing near the gate there was a huge number of reporters and people, they were blocking his way and he felt his heart starting to beat fast. He pressed the button of the remote control to make the gate open and while it was moving slowly he started to move too, trying again o cover his face. He wasn't in the best state for sure, his eyes were swollen and he was wearing the clothes from the day before, plus it was so clear how much he was suffering both physically and mentally because of that matter. If it wasn't already hard to enter the garden with the car, even harder was to get out of it. The only reason they let him open the door was that they were too curious to see him. He pushed and pulled to make a way, trying to run towards the front door, and it was hard, some reporters even hit him on his shoulder with the camera and some others got mad at him because he was pushing them "leave me alone, are you crazy?" he tried to say but he wasn't able to speak more loudly. Suddenly he reached the porch but opening the door wasn't easy because he was pushed in a cornered and surrounded by microphones, flashes and cameras. He felt dizzy all at once, he didn't understand what was happening, he only saw lights and all the people around him blurred out, he felt his head spinning and his legs shaking.

"Hyukjae is that real you and Lee Donghae are in that kind of relationship?" someone shouted.

"Are you two together?"

"Do you like men?" someone else asked from behind; it was confusing and he started even to feel scared of them. He realized at that moment that he wasn't able to reply, nor to say no to them. It was true, he love Donghae, and liked men, and he wanted to be his boyfriend. He wasn't able to deny it, not even faking it. He opened his mouth to say something but he couldn't. Feeling his tears coming back. Suddenly in that situation, he felt like he was back to when he was a kid, and all those hands moving in front of him were so scary, they looked like they wanted to take him, back into that dark room. He wanted to crouch and hug his legs, becoming small and invisible.

Don't come any closer, please leave me alone, don't touch me.

He was about to fall to his knees when a strong arm surrounded his shoulders, pulling him closer and helping him to stand straight. At that moment everyone was silent for a bit, him being the only one not understanding what was going on.

"What are you doing here? This is private property! Are you all out of your minds?" he recognized that voice, it was strong and imperious, but in his ears, it sounded more protective than other. He looked to his side and surprisingly he saw his father. His face was angry but his hand was warm, he wasn't angry with him.

"We wanted to know from him what is going on" someone said.

"We aren't here to reply to your questions, and this is definitely outrageous, how could you push my son to a corner like this? I'm going to sue you if you don't go away immediately" the man said, his tone still dry as before.

"But what are you going to do if this is real? What about the hotel?" some other asked; that question hit him harder than before. He was so scared to hear the reply his father was going to give, he was scared of his opinion the most. But surprisingly he felt the grip on his shoulder getting tighter before the man spoke.

"I trust my son for the hotel, this is nothing you should worry about" he said, trying to give him strength.

"You are going to be by his side even if he is gay?" one brave reporter dared to ask, and that was the moment his father's face turned from an angry one to a really scary one.

"Are you even humans? What kind of question is this? I would be by his side no matter what, he is my son. Get out of here before I call the police" then he snapped his fingers "please accompany those unwanted guests to the gate" as he said that four big bodyguards came out of the door and started to push all the people far from them, giving him and his father enough space to get back inside the house.

He was shaking so much that he wasn't able to walk properly and the moment the door was closed behind him he fell to his knees for real.

"What happened?" his mother almost screamed crouching next to him and hugging him.

"There was a crowd of reporters in our garden, they were pushing him" and that was the last thing he heard before fainting.

~

When he opened his eyes he was in his room and his mother was caressing lightly his hair "you woke up? I was scared Hyukjae" the woman said softly with teary eyes. He looked up at her before sighing.

"Sorry, I just…I don't know what happened" he said with a hoarse voice, then he frowned, why is my voice this deep? What happened? Then he touched his neck worried.

"You were crying in your sleep" his mother said once she realized he was surprised. Then he started to remember something; he had nightmares while he was unconscious, he dreamt of being captive somewhere where everybody laughed at him, he saw himself as a kid, a small human being that couldn't escape from there, that could only cry.

"Those reporters scared me…It's because I didn't eat anything the whole day so I was weak and my brain made me see things…" he muttered curling up and placing his head on his mother's lap, letting her pat him and hug him. He was safe now, he only needed some time.

They heard a knock on the door just a second before it was opened "is he awake now?" his father said entering the room followed by a maid. The woman nodded at him and moving a bit her arms she showed him his son. He looked so pathetic for sure in front of his father, how could a grownup man act so fragile? He was about to faint in front of all those people. Damn surely he hates me so much now. Then he covered his face with both hands, trying to hide it as much as he could. "Place it on the desk please and go back" the man said to the maid before getting closer to the bed, he only looked down at him, not saying anything for a bit, then he spoke again "why are you covering your face? Does the light hurt your eyes?" the man asked with a warm voice. He was still covering his face when he realized that suddenly it was darker. He moved slowly his arms and uncovered his eyes, to be surprised once again. His father had his own hand over his face covering it from the light of the room. Oh…dad. Suddenly he felt the tears coming out again as if his eyes weren't red enough.

"I'm sorry dad" he whispered covering back his face, not being able to look at him. It was all his fault, all those reporters entering their garden, he should have called the bodyguards when he was outside, but he was too scared to think about it and he just opened the gate, letting all of them inside. And the garden? Maybe they even ruined his mother's flower beds.

The man sat down on the bed next to his wife and touched his shoulder "why are you sorry now? You haven't done anything…what happened?" he asked, then he looked at his wife, but she shrugged, she didn't know for sure.

He brushed his eyes and tried to stop the tears from falling, clearing his throat a bit; then he sat down straight on the bed and looked at his parents, he sighed once more taking in a huge amount of hair, hoping it was going to help him speak  "I don't know why but those people scared me…you know I hate strangers entering the garden…and since I was tired and restless I wasn't myself…" he tried to explain, not wanting to say clearly that they reminded him of the time he was kidnapped. He hated his brain for playing such a trick on him, but it couldn't be helped. His father reached out a hand and ruffled his hair.

"It's ok, don't worry…we wouldn't allow something like that to happen again" he added after a while, his voice cracking a bit. Ah it was still an open wound for both of them, the moment of the crash, the moment they started to drift apart. It hurt, even the warm hand on his head hurt.

"It's true what you said to them?" he asked suddenly, he felt like that was the only chance to ask him, plus he couldn't really stop his mouth that moved before his brain could control it.

"What?" the man asked confused.

"The fact you'll stay by my side no matter what…" he replied blushing and looking down. Damn now he'll reply, and I'm not ready to hear it.

"Oh my, Hyukjae what are you talking about? Of course, I would, you are my son, my flesh and blood, how could I do otherwise? We will be by your side forever, even if you do wrong things we will be there, we'll probably scold you if we need to, but we won't leave you. Plus this time you did nothing wrong" the man said patting his shoulder.

"But…I thought you disliked me…and the article…" he replied, he liked the fact his father said that, but his heart was still so unsure he couldn't accept his words lightly.

"I thought your mother explained it to you…and don't worry about the article, they always made up things, is not your fault, we'll go on with the party and all" the man said, smiling at him. He tried to smile back but it didn't come out as he wanted, because his face was still paralyzed from the ache his heart was feeling. At least he had them…but it was true, he loved a man, how could he admit it to his father? It looked even more impossible than before. "Now I have to go back to work, you try to eat something and for today don't worry, you'll have to be strong for the party, we only have two more days and we'll go on whit what we planned no matter what, ok?" he asked.

He nodded "ok" he whispered "go on, I don't want to waste your time" he said grabbing his father's hand to move it from his shoulder. It was the first time he touched that hand after so much, it was still big, but it was rough, and the skin was softer with more wrinkles; he looked down at it, it was starting to get some small darker spots, he was getting old every day more…and he waited almost twenty years to grab his hand again. His heart felt like getting smaller, and he felt pain in his chest, it was still warm, just like before. The man tightened his grip for a second before letting his hand go.

"We'll talk again for dinner, see you later" he said standing up, he bent down to kiss his wife temple and went out. He looked at him till the moment the door was closed, then he looked back at his mother.

She was smiling softly.

~

"I'm glad you are feeling better now" she said ruffling his hair "now eat something before fainting again" she said going towards his desk and taking off the lid from the pot. He knew what it was, he could tell from the smell and his stomach seemed to appreciate it too. Almost like a robot he stood up and went towards his seat, in front of a warm bowl of mushroom porridge. He loved it, and it was the best when he felt down or bad.

He looked at his mother and smiled "I'll eat well then" he said, then he looked at the hour, it was merely half past two in the afternoon "have you eaten mom?" he asked. She shook her head.

"I was too worried to eat" she said sitting down in front of him "but don't worry, just eat, if you don't want that, eat some rice" she added uncovering a bowl of rice too and giving him both the spoon and the chopsticks. He stopped for a second and looking at what was on the table he realized that the small lid used for the rice was actually a bowl, somehow; he reached out and put some of the porridge in that small bowl before giving his own to his mother, giving her the spoon too. She looked at him with surprise, but before she could say anything he explained it to her.

"You were surprised and worried too, eat please, I'll mix them together and use the spoon from the pot to eat" he explained before doing what he said, in front of the even more worried face of the woman. Yeah mixing them together wasn't a cool idea, because it looked definitely disgusting, but he felt like eating both, because she made the cook prepare both for him, and he was hungry anyway. "Please" he said inviting her to start eating.

They ate silently, and after a few mouthfuls, he started to think again, think of every single thing that happened that day, the article, the things Donghae said…then what happened in front of his house. He wasn’t able to say he didn't love him, because when you love so strongly you can't deny it…damn. So it means Donghae isn't in love with me…I'll only make him suffer if I keep clinging on him. He didn't like it, he didn't like the fact that just a simple thought like that was making him even more sure, they were just friends and he was the only one in love.

He needed to let go, and he realized sadly that there was no way they were going to be able to be just friends, not after what they did. Maybe for Donghae it was easier to think of going back to being normal friends, but for him it was impossible, they could have been lovers or nothing, no mid relationship. That thing made him hurt even more if possible because he knew he was going to miss him so much, he was his best friend, his only friend, the only person he wanted to talk to every moment of his life, the only one that understood him.

How can I live without him? Maybe if he waited a bit he was going to be able to control his feelings. But now? How am I supposed to hide them now? Now that the only thing I want to do is go to him, grab his hand, and ask him to never let me go? Until I stop being liek this I can't go near him, I have to imprison my feelings in the further corner of my heart, then I'll go back to him…if he wants me back as a friend. He was mumbling to himself while eating and probably his mother noticed he wasn't feeling at ease at all.

"Dear, give him some time…he'll understand" she said. What? What is she talking about? He wasn't sure, he looked at her frowning even more "ah…I thought you were thinking about your dad…"

"Give him time about what?" he asked curious. He thought they were doing fine now, what time did they need more?

"You know about the article, he will understand, just not immediately" she said eating some porridge afterwards, she was relaxed. He instead, felt like his body wasn't responding anymore, the spoon fell down from his hand and his mouth fell down opened as well. "What?"

"Mom…you…" he muttered. She knew?

"Oh my, Hyukjae a mother knows those things! We aren't close I know, but I know you well enough to understand when you look at somebody in a certain way, I was young too" ! What? When? And how? He blinked twice and looked down at the bowl in front of him shaking his head. She knew, all this while, she knew.

"But…is not like you think" he tried to say, ah not being able to lie to her at all.

"Yeah, I know…I just hope you noticed it too" she said reaching out a hand and grabbing his.

"I…when? When did you realize it? Mom…I did anything to hide it, not to let you be disappointed in me for that too" he asked, it was pointless to hide it more, she knew, she wasn't just suspicious about it, she was sure of it.

"This is nothing to be disappointed about. And when? Oh well…maybe when you were a kid? You acted differently from other kids, I thought you were just a bit special and unique in your style, but then year after year, looking at you I just felt like it. Of course, I've never had the certainty, not till the day Donghae came to visit us, and your eyes lighted up seeing him entering the room as if you were only waiting for him to be able to smile. Of course, that picture was a proof, the way you smile at him and…"

"Please stop" he said suddenly covering his ears and closing his eyes, blushing all over his face. Damn, that was so embarrassing as if he wasn't hating himself enough.

She grabbed both his hands and pulled them down "Hyukjae, this is nothing to be ashamed of, please get a hold on yourself! It's ok, for me it's ok I loved you all this while no matter what, and I'll keep loving you in the future" she added.

"I can't…I can't be like this mom. I have to protect the hotel first, my love has nothing to do with you and dad and the staff…and Donghae, it's only me and I have to protect others first. I know is nothing to be ashamed of, and still, people will think it is, and I can't let this happen" he said sadly.

"What are you going to do then?" she asked.

"I'll stop seeing him, and concentrate on my work only. This is the only thing I can do now, the only thing I need to feel better" lies, he only needed him, but he couldn't be a solution since he was the problem. He also hated to think something like that, but it was the only way out.

"I'll be by your side dear…we'll do as you want, just don't struggle too much, I don't like seeing you crying as you did this morning or before…" she said "now finish your meal then rest a bit" she added, putting the spoon back in his hand. He sighed but then nodded, he needed to eat anyway, he needed more strength.

~

He rested in his room for a few hours, his phone was still switched off, he didn't want to hear from anyone, especially he didn't want to see Donghae's calls. He only looked up at the news on his tablet, the pictures they took of him were horrible, he looked so ugly in every frame and when his father came out he looked too tiny and hopeless under his arm, but at least he liked the protective look the man had; he right clicked on the picture and saved it, it hadn't been a good day, but that particular moment at least made him feel safe and at home, maybe because it was the first time his father saved him, something he couldn't have done in the past… this time you were in time dad.

He put the tablet on standby, stretched out his limbs, and decided to go down for dinner.

Once he arrived in the dining room he found his parents already sitting in their places "am I late?" he asked looking at his watch, but no, it was the usual time.

"No, no…your father came back earlier from work and we were discussing something. Sit down now" his mother replied showing him his place. He shrugged then instead of sitting in his place he went around the table, to her side, and once he was there, between her and his father, he reached out and moved his small placemat, his glass and cutlery; then in front of his parent's surprised eyes, he moved a chair right there, next to them. Once he was sitting down he looked at them and smiled.

"I'll sit here today, I won't move much, I won't disturb you" he said. He used to do that when he was young, because he disliked the fact they had to sit so far from each other, such a big table, it was a waste of space. His mother giggled and immediately after his father laughed too.

"Ok, ok, sit here if you want" the man said patting his shoulder. It felt warm being back there, and if there was something he needed that day was their warmth and love, he felt like he could sit there, so he just did.

They started to eat silently, but suddenly his mother said something "We were thinking…do you have any girl friend to bring to the party?" the woman said as if it was something normal to ask. Of course, he hadn't.

"Why?" he asked looking between them.

"Because maybe if you go to the party with a nice lady people will forget this story a bit" the woman explained to him "do you want me to find someone?"

"Oh…of course not! I…do you think I really need someone?" he asked shyly, imagining how embarrassing it would have been to meet a stranger on such an important day.

"Yes, it would be better" but he didn't want one, and he didn't know anyone to bring to such a party. But then he realized there was someone, one person that could be by his side without creating new scandals.

"I can ask Minyoon" he said suddenly as if a light bulb switched on in his mind "she will be there anyway, I can just ask her to dress more prettily and to be by my side more often, she is more or less my secretary, she is pretty and smart and I'm sure she'll be able to handle a conversation with anyone" he added. Yes, she was the best choice because he needed someone to trust near him and maybe she could be the one.

Now the only problem is how can I convince her to come? And more than that…we should buy a dress, but we can't go out to do so, how am I supposed to do?

"Oh well that's not a bad idea, she'll be there as your secretary, because you don't have a girlfriend to accompany you…because lately, you had to work instead of thinking about love" his father said, he looked satisfied with this idea, luckily because he didn't want another random girl by his side. Donghae was going to be there and he didn't want to look easy…oh right I can't cancel his invitation, he will decide if he wants to come or not. Even if I don't know what to hope.

"It's decided then" his mother said "but I don't think she has the right dress, ask her the size tomorrow and I'll bring some clothes to the hotel" she added all happy. Oh wow mom, do you read my mind? She was so kind, thinking of something like that to cover him up a little bit, she knows but she wants to protect me, thank you mom, and sorry.

~