He arrived in front of his father's office door and after breathing deeply he knocked. Why did he want to see him so early in the morning? Already making him feel annoyed the moment he stepped in the house. He heard a lazy "come in", and finally opened the door. His father was sitting behind his desk, his glasses in one hand, in the other the computer mouse, already working this early? Damn, I bet he is playing spider and acting all cool just because I'm here. "Oh, it's you" the man said sparing him a single glance before concentrating on the screen again, muffling something about the emails he received.

"Mom told me to come to see you right away" he replied. His father moved his hand to tell him to sit down on the chair in front of the desk, apparently, he still needed to finish some business with some stranger via mail that was way more important than his son. He waited for five minutes till finally, the other man turned around to look at him, placing his glasses on the desk and crossing his fingers in front of his face. His father took a deep breath and looked at him for some long seconds as if he was some kind of detective and they were going to have an examination.

 "So, I received the report on your work at the hotel, and I saw you updated the database yesterday night… I definitely told you to update it every time you saw something" the man stopped for a moment and raised an eyebrow, what was he implying? His heart started to beat faster, and he didn't even know the reason, his father looked like he was about to scold him.

"Yes…but" he muttered, but he wasn't able to finish as his throat got dry.

"I had imagined you were going there to play, but making the staff do your work…" he said it, he was really thinking he didn't work for three days. He felt his rage growing inside his stomach, but since the only thing he could imagine was punching his father right in the face he decided that maybe that one wasn't an option. He closed his eyes and pressed his index and thumb on the bridge of his nose. Think about Donghae, think about how nice the time there was, and think about the fact that there is someone that cares for you and thinks you did a good job.

"I think you misunderstood" he said calmly, he really didn't want to spoil his mood more than it already was "the fact I didn't use your method doesn't mean I haven't done the work myself" he tried to explain.

"Well, let's assume you did check all the things on the list…then why there isn't a single complaint about the staff? Don't even try to tell me that they are perfect, because they are not" his father sounded even more annoyed than before, he wasn't believing him at all. Why can't you trust your only son? Damn.

"No one is saying they are perfect, is just we had a meeting every night to decide what to change and what to keep in their behavior because with the right lead, they are going to be good" he said with the calmest tone he could.

"ahahah the right lead? Oh please, it means I'll have to send someone to check on it…for now prepare a spending plan on what you decided it's supposed to be changed, of course, if you are able to do at least this" dry, he had been dry as always, and he even thought that this time his father wasn't going to complain too much. He did what he was told after all. Explaining to him that Donghae saw everything and that he really worked hard? Pointless. He rolled his eyes and stood up.

"If you are done, I'm going to my room now" he said and after a light bow, he went towards the door.

"Hyukjae" his father said to make him turn around "I want it as soon as possible and try not to mess it up"

"Whatever" he hissed before closing the door behind him. He went up the stairs faster than he could, he wanted to reach his room and feel safe in it again. It was the only place in such a huge house where he could feel at home, and even there he felt too lonely.

~

"So your father didn't believe you?" ah Donghae's voice was the best thing to hear on a warm afternoon. I wish you were here, no actually I wish we were together in a place without my parents.

"mmh" he muttered, not wanting to say more. He had texted his friend after the nth silent lunch with his parents, because he was feeling disappointed and his heart wasn't at ease; that nice guy immediately called him.

"Do you want me to come over and explain it to him?" cute.

"No…don't bother coming here, he would think I asked you to lie for me. Plus you have better things to do than waste time again with me" he replied quickly, he didn't want to expose his friend to his father for too much time, and he was kinda scared he could be somehow infected by his non-love. The guy on the other side chuckled softly, blowing some air in the phone. Hyukjae could almost imagine his Adam's apple going up and down and his eyes closing slightly, while his mouth was opening to show those perfect white teeth.

"If he knew what you actually asked me to do…I wonder how he would react" he had said something that was supposed to be embarrassing, but it wasn't. It could have been annoying to remember something that they were supposed to put aside, but it wasn’t. It simply sounded like two friends having an intimate conversation without problems. Yeah, they had , so what? He actually smiled thinking of the face his father could have made if he knew…if he only cared…

"As if he cares…or maybe he does, because it could affect his precious company image, should I spread strange voices about us?" he said with a mischievous tone, making his friend laugh again.

"He is not human if he doesn't, come on. Don't think too much about this matter and do your work well. Do you remember what I told you? Just prove him wrong!" of course he remembered, he remembered it clearly, and that was why he didn't argue back when he was in his father's office. That was the reason why he switched on his laptop and opened the databases with the prices of the various components to see how much the changes were going to cost them. He had started to work immediately when he arrived in his room.

"I definitely will prove him wrong Hae, I'll do this ing plan and give it to him" he replied closing his fingers strongly around his phone, trying not to raise his voice too much.

"Good boy, you deserve a kiss" the guy said teasingly, he knew he was joking, but still his heart fluttered.

"Thank you" he replied grinning making the other laugh. His laughter was so appealing even through a phone. He waited a bit before adding something "no really, thank you, you made me work hard even if it was a pain in the for me to do it" he said calmly. There was silence for a bit then the other guy started to laugh again. Hyukjae opened his eyes wide, he didn't know what was happening. What did I say so funny now?

"So…sorry is just…" Donghae tried to say but he was cut off by his laughter once more. Hyukjae tilted his head trying to figure out what was going on and suddenly…

"Yah! Are you thinking of something ? Hae you are supposed to be the pure one…stop it, stop laughing. Fine I'm hanging up!" that said he really did it and threw the phone on the bed. Stupid dork, why did he have to remind me of such a thing. He reached up his hands and cupped his own face, it was burning hot. He was so embarrassed to think about it, surely he was thinking of my , damn it, why do I have to react like this? His phone rang for a short moment. It was a message. He jumped on the bed to read it.

- sorry, are you mad?- he smiled.

- you!- he smiled again.

- Another time, I'm busy now ;)- ah Donghae, why are you this teasing? Damn. He smiled once more, his gummies showing and decided not to reply, it was time to sit down at his desk and start to work again. He was feeling a bit better after the call with his friend, so now he was totally determined to finish his work as soon as possible.

~

He worked for the entire evening, stopping only to eat quickly for dinner before running into his room again. And the same thing happened the day after, he had decided he wanted to finish it in three days, not more. Somehow that work was something not hard to do, and not even boring because for each thing he had to calculate he remembered the reason why he decided to change that particular thing or to add something. He was able to focus on his work because he liked it that way, it wasn't just numbers, it was filled with meaning and for once he felt like he was doing something interesting and useful. He decided not to bother his friend again, even when he was missing him a bit, because he knew he was working too. He decided to pull an all-nighter to finish that plan. It wasn't much after all and he wasn't feeling really tired.

All done, he thought when he printed the file the following morning, it was quite a thick amount of sheets. He had to drink some coffee, luckily his mother let him have a kettle at least, so he could prepare some instant coffee to stay awake during the hardest moments. He was satisfied, but he started to feel all the fatigue of the past days on him. His eyes started to feel extremely heavy, maybe if I sleep for just a bit it's ok, I need to rest my eyes.

~

He was suddenly woken up by a knock on the door, he furrowed, who was bothering him so early in the morning?

"Hyukjae are you there?" he heard from the other side of the door. Mom? Why are you here? He muttered something and his mother opened the door completely, a weird look in her eyes. He lifted his head from the desk, discovering that sleeping on a book wasn't a good idea, since now the cover was stuck on his cheek and it felt like waxing his face. "Are you feeling bad?" his mother asked with a worried tone. He was still too confused to understand what was going on, and he had to brush his eyes to be able to look at her with a questioning look.

"What? Why?" he muttered.

"You didn't come down for breakfast and you weren't coming down now either. You never skipped meals even when we argued so much, you always came down…so are you feeling sick or something?" her voice was calm but her eyes weren't and suddenly he realized what was going on, his mother had been worried because he skipped breakfast, wow that's new.

"I was resting my eyes a bit after working all night yesterday…don't bother me" he could have been less dry with her, just for once, just because a part of him was actually happy she still cared a bit. Yet he turned around and rested his head back on the desk.

"Working all night?" she didn't reply to his aggression, strange, she must have woken up happy this morning.

"The plan dad asked me to do for the hotel, I was working on it the entire day yesterday and when I saw I was about to finish I just kept working till morning, this way he won't say I'm useless as always" he replied closing his eyes again. He didn't know why he had to explain it to her, why did she care? She never cared and he didn't have to tell her what he did. Her mother was silent for a few seconds, maybe she was surprised, then suddenly he felt a hand on his head.

"Come down now at least, you need to eat something when your father is here you always eat too quickly and not enough" her voice was caring, or maybe he was still a bit sleepy and it sounded like that.

"It's late by now, let me sleep a bit more I'll come for lunch" he replied adjusting his position.

"It's already lunchtime, but we haven't started yet…wash your face and come down come on" that said she finally left the room. He raised his head once more. Lunchtime? I closed my eyes for a few minutes and it's already lunchtime? I'm even feeling hungry now. Fine.

He quickly washed his face and went down to the dining room.

~

"Finally Mr. Lee give us the great honor to show his face. Do you know lunch was supposed to start five minutes ago?" his father closed the newspaper he was reading and threw it on the near chair, then he reached out a hand so that his wife could spray some hand sanitizer, he didn't like to eat after touching something so dirty like a newspaper. Classy.

"Mom came to wake me up only now" he replied sitting down on his chair and trying not to look at him because he really wasn't in the mood to argue with him

"I bet you had so many important things to do instead of eating with your parents" his father added. He wanted to tell him he worked so much for his ing hotel but he didn't find the strength to say it, he only shrugged and muttered a whatever.

In front of his eyes was placed a bowl of mixed rice, his favorite thing to eat when he was feeling a bit low because the different tastes of various kinds of rice were like a party for his senses and it went perfectly with his mother's kimchi. It was one of the things she kept doing quite well as a mother. He took some rice and felt already better. He was really hungry and he realized it only when he started eating, but his father probably didn't like the fact he was enjoining his meal. "I sent someone at the hotel to ask about the past days and they said you did the work" then he laughed "you paid them or something? I think I'll have to check well all the staff again" and then he ate some of his food. Hyukjae furrowed and looked up at him, was he serious? He trusted him that much? Less than a piece of . He wanted to reply but he wasn't even able to speak properly, because he always felt so small in front of him. I hate myself for not being able to tell you what I think when I want. He looked down at his bowl again.

"I told you I made the work myself. And the staff is nice, if you only could give me this work I would lead them well" he muttered, he tried at least to ask. Asking wasn't expensive no?

"You? Don't make me laugh. Do you really think I would trust a millions worth hotel to a good for nothing like you? You weren't even able to do the simple task I gave you two days ago" he replied, at first he chuckled but at the end he banged his hand on the table, making all the pottery tremble, raising his voice. He couldn't take it anymore. He wanted to throw the file he had prepared in his face but his rage was too much even to speak. He jumped out of his chair and without even looking back he went out of the room, running towards his room. He heard some weird sound coming from the room he left but he couldn't bother less to know what it was. everything, I won't eat today, I lost all my appetite.

He reached his room in a flash and the moment he stepped in he felt tears falling from his eyes, his heart was beating so fast for the run and the stairs, and his lungs were burning because he didn't take enough air. He felt restless, his legs weren't going to support him anymore. He fell on the bed and hugged his pillow. He wanted to call Donghae but he wasn't even in the state to do it, his whole body was shaking, and he was so pissed for the first time in his life he felt like being beaten by his parents would have been way better than that.

~

He heard a knock on the door "I'm coming in" his mother said on the other side.

"I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU, GO AWAY" he shouted, his voice still hoarse.

"I didn't ask for your permission" the voice came more clear the moment the door was opened and closed again. He didn't even dare to turn around, he didn't care, and he wanted to hide his face for the longest time possible.

"What do you want?" he asked quietly, trying to hide the sobs that were shaking his whole body. Damn I hate this, why can't I stop crying? Am I a girl?

"I made the cook prepare some sandwiches for you, since you didn't touch much food" she said and he heard a sound that was more than clear for his ears, she had placed a tray on his desk. He suddenly sat on the bed and looked towards the place where he heard the sound. Food? In his room? It was always forbidden. And there were four white bread sandwiches on the tray, both with a glass of fresh orange juice. Was he dreaming? His mother went closer to the bed and sat down on a side. He didn't like her being like that so he raised one of his eyebrows ready to ask her what the hell she was doing. She adjusted her position and patted her lap.

"What?" he muttered looking between her face and her lap. She didn't say anything more and patted again "are you crazy? I won't" that said he laid down on his pillows again "go away, with you here I can't even concentrate on crying" his mother giggled softly and scooted over to be closer to him, then she caressed his head lightly before gently move it to her lap.

"My silly son, why can't you let me do even such a small thing?" she said softly moving some strands of hair from his forehead. He let her do it, whatever, he adjusted his position and crossed his arms. Her hands were cold, as always, but it was nice being patted "why didn't you tell your father you did the job?"

"He doesn't believe me, what was the point of telling him? And you? Why are you here…?" he said harshly, he wasn't even sure why his mother was acting like that, she was always supporting her husband and not him, and they always fought "and why are you caressing my hair? It gives me goosebumps "

"What do you mean why? You are my son, and this time you didn't do anything wrong, plus these past days I saw you weaker than usual, you looked lifeless…I had to bring you food here if I wanted you to eat" she simply replied. Her tone was soft like a caress. Who is this woman?

"As if you really cared" he muttered, moving her hand from his hair. The woman slapped the back of his head hard enough to remind him that she was his mother after all "ow why did you hit me?" he said patting the part that was sore.

"Are you crazy? What did you take me for? I'm your mother, please remember it" she said slapping his hand away to start caressing his hair again "of course I care, you are my only male son, and you grew so quickly and distant" she said.

"Distant? You were the one that pushed me away, day after day…I asked you why you are patting my head it's annoying, I hate it and it's so fake it makes me puke" he wanted to look her in the eyes but he didn't find the strength to sit up, so he simply tried to move her hand away again. The only thing he obtained was her bending down to hug his head with both arms.

"You used to like it a lot when you were a kid, and I always do it when you have a fever, is the only way to make you fall asleep" yes it was true he liked it as a kid, but how much time already had passed till the last time they were that close? Ten years? Maybe.

"Pff, I don't even remember the last time you did…was it 10 years ago?" he asked still trying to free himself from what it felt more like a wrestling grip.

She suddenly let go and after a pause she asked "what do you mean ten years? I did it even last month when you had a high fever after you run under the rain…" under the rain? Ah yes he had done something that stupid too. Actually, he made it look like he was acting silly with his friends, but the truth was he purposely went out in the rain even knowing it was a cold night because he hoped to get really sick…and maybe die. It was when his father called to ask how bad his son was doing while he wasn't there. He only reacted a bit stronger that time. Pff friends? His mother even believed he was out with friends…he didn't have any, they were just strangers that followed him.

"I don't remember anything like that" he said. He remembered the rain, and the fever and the fact he felt like for quite a few days, but he didn't remember seeing his mother at all, not after the first moment he entered the house all soaked and she shouted at him telling him he was an idiot. There wasn't any caress in his memories.

"Your fever was really high and you started to even have hallucinations, you couldn't sleep alone at all because you said this wasn't your room…so I had to stay here with you for the whole night, when you felt better you didn't even want me around…I guess you forgot" she explained still caressing his head.

"Whole night?" what was that feeling? He was experiencing some pain in his chest as his mother spoke.

"Yes silly, who would have done that? The maid? You don't let strangers touch your hair at all, even when you aren't yourself" she answered, she sounded a bit disappointed but she was still calm.

"You have done this for the past years every time I had a high fever?" he still couldn't believe it, he never remembered it, but of course, his mother played her part well not letting him know.

"Yes" she whispered, this time sounding a bit more sad. He felt like crying again, he didn't know, he thought she hated him. So that was the reason he felt so comfortable? That was the reason he liked it so much when Donghae caressed his hair? He was subconsciously used to being comforted like that and he didn't even know.

"I'm sorry" he muttered closing his eyes "I didn't know" his mother ruffled his hair.

"I know! It's ok, you don't like me anyway so I got used to it" she replied.

"It's you and dad that don't like me…you pushed me away every day more…Sometimes I think I've just been a bother to you two" he said not being able to hold his tears anymore and having to cover his face with a hand.

"That's not true, I tried to be close to you but you didn't want to listen to me and now we have reached  this point where we don't even talk anymore…you used to be such a cheerful child"

"But, have you seen how dad treats me? I'm useless and he hates me…I'm not a child anymore if you haven't noticed"

"He didn't know you had already finished the work he asked you to do, and he doesn't hate you" she explained, her voice was so soft, it sounded like a lullaby.

"Of course, he didn't give me the chance to speak, I won't even tell him or give the file to him…whatever" only thinking of the scene from before made his heart race. That man, how could he be that mean?!

"I already told him…you can give it to him at dinner because now he is a bit pissed with both of us and he went to the company" she said, her voice this time was hiding something, was it a burst of laughter?

"Why both? What have you done?" there was no reason he could imagine for his father to be pissed with her? It was so clear they loved each other so much.

"I accidentally slapped him when you run out of the room before" she explained. Hyukjae's eyes widened almost twice their normal size and he jumped sitting on the bed, brushing his watery eyes to look at her.

"Accidentally?" he asked

"Impulsively?" his mother replied tilting her head. So that was the strange sound he heard exiting the room, was a slap, he had thought it was something crashing, or just his imagination.

"But why…" he tried to ask, it was unbelievable.

"I was so worried you didn't eat not even for breakfast and you were in this room for an entire day, you didn't even go out as you usually do to finish your work and yet he treated you like that…I just…I wasn't thinking straight" she paused a bit to cover and hide a wide smile "you should have seen his face when he realized what happened"

"So you slapped him and told him?" he asked still not being able to believe her.

"Yes, you should have been there Your son didn't even sleep to finish your stupid work you idiot, then I went to the kitchen to ask for sandwiches and didn't even look back" she made a different voice, like an angry one while she was repeating the scene and then she looked all proud of herself. Mom, are you even my mom? "When I was coming here the maid told me he went to the office in a rush"

"Who are you?" he asked suddenly "did you steal this body to live here on this planet? You could have chosen a young lady" his mother reached out a fist in front of his face.

"Do you want to die now or later?" then she punched him lightly on the shoulder "who are you then? Where did you bring my son? Is he still around?"

"You never cared to look for me mom, it's pointless being like this now, it even feels uncomfortable…what made you decide to come at me now?" he asked massaging his shoulder, she didn't even hit him strong enough to hurt, but still it did, it did hurt like hell.

"You changed…you look more like my son lately, and I saw you smiling again. I'm your mother I love you even if you don't give me a chance to"

"Stupid Donghae is all his fault then" he muttered looking down.

"I'll let you eat now ok?" she said standing up and trying to make her skirt look less wrinkled. No, why? Was she really going to leave him alone? He wanted to talk a bit more.

"Mom…do you happen to know why dad stopped loving me? And don't tell me I made too many mistakes because he was one of the reasons I grew up so rebellious" he asked shyly, she was already going out but she froze in the doorway.

 "He didn't" she replied closing the door again and resting on it, she didn't dare to go back close to him.

"After that incident…he pushed me away, he never wanted to play with me, he was always too busy and I was only ten years old when I realized I never had a friend…but from that moment I didn’t even have a father anymore" he shrugged and decided to stand up and get closer to the desk, the hunger was starting to get strong again. Thinking of the time he was kidnapped made him feel weak so he needed to eat.

"Hyukjae…this may sound like an excuse but he was scared, that's why he acted like he didn't care. He was trying to make others believe he didn't care about you so that they wouldn't have been tempted to kidnap you again. It was the silliest decision he had ever made and the other only time I slapped him strong enough. I should have slapped him twice back then"

"Him what? What a ed idea was that? Acting? He is not acting, I can see he dislikes me every time he lays his eyes on me. I'm the worst son he could have raised…pff he wasn't even here often enough to complain"

"HE HATES HIMSELF BECAUSE HE KNOWS IT'S HIS FAULT, THE DESPAIR YOU SEE IN HIS EYES IS REGRET" his mother shouted, he was so surprised he forgot to breathe, he only stared at that woman that looked smaller than usual, her eyes filled with tears, her hands shaking. Mom? "you don't understand, you can't because you closed your ears and your eyes for so much that now is impossible for us to approach you…and since we all are so stupidly impulsive it takes just the wrong tone to make us annoyed. Hyukjae you are an adult now, please just stop doing silly things and work hard. He only wants you to show the world that you are a son to be proud of, he doesn't tell you to go to work because he hates you…he hates the fact that with you doing nothing like this, there are people that can badmouth you" oh wow what an explanation.

"I don't know if I'm ready to believe you actually" he said turning to the desk and giving her his back. She crossed the room quickly just to caress his hair once more, her now warm fingers went from the top of his head to his neck, where she fixed his hair a bit. It was always a hard spot to fix that one, because he had a weird hairline, and now they were getting long enough to be a bother.

"Be good and eat your lunch, come down for dinner you need to face your father like the man you are" that said she went out of the room, leaving Hyukjae with mixed feelings. He was standing in front of the desk, looking at the food, he grabbed one of the sandwiches and the moment he bit one, tears started to fall uncontrollably. It was his favorite one…ham, cheese and salad. Nothing special, but still it made his heart ache so much.

Stupid , making me hate you while I love you so much.

~

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I hope this chapter answered to some fo your questions and I hope you liked it :D

p.s I was emotional and I even "cried" reading this chapter again...but oh well i'm silly XD