The only two things that were keeping me in the house with Eli was our daughter and the dvd I’d found from the hospital a month previously.  Anytime I’d stayed awake on a night we’d been fighting, I went downstairs and watched it alone.  Tears always fell.

            “Li, what are you doing up?”

            “Just go away.”  I used my sleeve to wipe away the still falling tears.

            My husband sat beside me and wrapped his arms around me.  “I’m so sorry…”

            I started to cry hard again.  “Oh god Eli, what has happened to us?”

            He rubbed my back in circles, hushing me.  “Shh, shh, calm down.  It’s ok honey.  Just cry it out sweetheart.”

            I laid my head on his shoulder when I stopped.  “I love you, Eli.”

            “I love you, too, baby.  Let’s get back to bed, now.”

            “I can’t,” I murmured.

            “Why not?”

            I sniffled and looked at him.  “I feel like my fears were right.  I never should have told you.”

            He stood up and picked me up, carrying me back upstairs to our room.  Eli stepped into our room and shut the door with his foot, laying me down on the bed.  He slid back under the covers with me and pulled me into his arms.

            “I better savor this feeling while it lasts,” I thought to myself, “because it sure as hell won’t last long.”

            “I’m sorry baby,” Eli said.

            I sighed.  “It’s ok.  We’ve both been under a lot of stress lately.  I guess I still have what happened on my mind.”

            “I understand sweetheart.”

            I laid my head on his shoulder.  “I wish I had a rewind button.”

            “How would you redo the past?”

            “There’s always the possibility I wouldn’t change it, but, if I did, I certainly would’ve told you about the baby when I found out.  I don’t think the outcome would’ve changed.  Park said my body was really weak when we conceived in the first place, and it just got weaker as the pregnancy had progressed.  In other words, it was lucky I was pregnant in the first place.”  I sighed and laid on my side, away from Eli.

            He wrapped his arms around me, holding my belly.  “We can always try again.”  He pecked my cheek softly.

            “I know…”  I wiped a tear away that had rolled down my cheek.  It wasn’t too long before I fell asleep, my husband’s arms wrapped around me for the first time in weeks.

            I woke up with Eli gone already.  I went into Hana’s room and found her gone from her crib.  I went back into the bedroom and found his text to me.

            Hana’s going to Mom and Dad’s for a week.  She’ll be fine, so don’t worry.  Get plenty of rest, Mrs. Kim.  I love you. ♥

            I smiled a little.  “Is my husband returning?”  I took a quick shower and sat on the bed, leaning back into the comfort of the pillows.  I fell asleep easily.  My phone rang crazily just as I was getting extremely comfortable.  I picked it up and looked at the number, answering it.  “Hello?”

            “Hey Lizzie.  How are you?”  It was Kevin’s sister, Deanna Woo.

            “Deanna Unnie!  I’m fine.  What about you?”

            “I could be better.  Listen, do you have time to come meet me for lunch right now?”

            “Yeah, sure.  Where should I meet you?”

            “I’ll come get you.  Are you ready?”

            “I just need to put on shoes, so yeah.  Eli’s mom has Hana.”

            “Ok, I’ll be there, soon.”

            “Ok Unnie, I’ll see you when you get here.”

            “See you.”

            I put my phone up and grabbed my purse and a jacket out of the downstairs closet.  “What’s up with her?”  I waited patiently for Kevin’s sister and left the house as soon as I heard and saw her car pull up.  I got into the passenger seat and buckled myself in.  “Hey Deanna.”

            She smiled, but it was a real smile.  “Hey Li, how are you feeling?”

            “I could be better, but I guess things could be worse.”

            “Sorry sweetie.  So can you eat right now?”

            “Yeah, I can eat.”

            “Kevin misses you, by the way.  He keeps complaining that he never gets to see you or Hana anymore.”  She said when we neared one of our favorite places to go.

            “I’ll try to go see him in the next few days.”  I got out of the car after she parked.

            “He’d like that.  Let’s go.”

            I walked with her into the place, and we sat down.

            “It’s been a while since we’ve been here.  Think Karin will forgive us?”

            I smiled.  “I bet she will.”

            My and Deanna’s good friend Karin rushed over to us.  She hugged me tightly.  “Hi baby girl,” she said to me.

            I hugged her back.  “Hi Karin Unnie, how are you?”

            “I’m good sweetheart.”  She stood straight up.  “The usual for you both?”

            “Not for me, Unnie.  I want this.”  I pointed for her.

            “Ok honey.  Deanna?”

            Kevin’s sister pointed to a different thing on her menu.

            “I’ll get it out in a few minutes.  Shall I come sit?”

            “Yes, come sit with us.”

            She smiled.  “I’ll be right back!”

            I smiled at Deanna.  “It’s good Karin has her break right now.”

            “It is a good thing.  We hardly see each other at the same time anymore.”

            The three of us talked for a few minutes, catching up and having girl talk like normal.

            “So Lizzie, how are you doing with the hubby?”

            I sighed.  “We’re normal.  We’re just exhausted, both of us.  Not from Hana, but from work and everything else.”

            Deanna said something softly, shaking her head.

            “What is it Unnie?”

            She looked up at me.  “Oh!  Sorry.  I was looking at a message from Kevin.”

            Since Karin’s break was over after that, she went back to work.  Deanna and I ate our lunch, talking a little bit here and there between bites.

            Karin came back and cleared the table when we were finished, sitting back down with us for a few minutes to talk a little more.

            She hugged me.  “Did you finally tell your husband what happened?”

            I nodded.  “I told him about a month ago.”  I sipped from the water glass I had in front of me.

            “How did he take it?”

            “He seemed genuinely worried about me.  Eli apologized.”  I sighed.  “I told him I didn’t tell him because I felt that he wouldn’t want me if he knew I lost our baby.  Now that he knows, I feel like it’s true.”

            “Have you two talked about trying for another baby?”

            I shook my head.  “We weren’t trying in the first place.  I don’t know that I want another baby yet.  I mean, I know if I were still pregnant now then my mindset would be different.  But, after the miscarriage, I just haven’t been the same.  It’s good to focus on Hana now, though.  She’ll be two in just five months.”

            Deanna sighed.  “I can’t keep quiet anymore.  Lizzie, I have something I want to show you.  But, I don’t think I should do it here in public.  I thought it’d be easier, but it’s not.  We should go.”

            “What is it Deanna?”

            She took out her card for Karin to scan.  “Here Karin-ah.  I need to leave with Lizzie as soon as possible.  Charge your normal tip.”

            Karin took it and got up, coming back a few minutes later with a couple receipts.  “Here Unnie.”  She laid one down with a pen on top.

            Deanna signed the one in front of her and switched the receipt and pen with her copy, putting it in her purse.  “We need to go, Li.”

            “Ok Unnie.”  I stood up and hugged Karin.  “I’ll see you really soon.”

            “You better.  Bring Hana next time if you can, ok?”

            I smiled.  “I will Unnie.”  I kissed her cheek and left with Kevin’s sister, getting into her car once again.  “What is it, Dee?”

            She frowned and slipped her phone out of her purse.  “First off, I can’t tell you how sorry I am to have to be showing you these videos.  Kevin took the first two of them except the last one.  He took all the pictures, though.”  She handed me her phone.  “Promise you won’t be mad at Kevin or me before you watch.”

            “I won’t be, Deanna.”  I looked at her phone and played the first video.  I felt like dying when I saw it.  The second was no better.  The third, however, struck home and killed me.  I was shaking with emotion after I’d seen the videos and looked at the pictures.  Tears ran down my face in streams.  “How could he?”

            Deanna pried the phone from my hands and hugged me tightly.  “Baby girl, I’m so sorry.”

            I sobbed into her shoulder, hardly able to even calm down and form sentences.  I forced myself to gain composure for a brief period so I could ask questions.  “How long has it been going on?”

            “The first video was the first time Kevin caught them.”

            I took the phone and looked at the date, starting to cry again.  “It was before my ing miscarriage!”  I up my tears.  “Dee, send the pictures and the videos to my phone,” I said softly.

            “Are you sure?”

            “Yes, I’m sure.”  My voice was a monotone.  I felt no emotion leaking out, but it sure as hell was there.

            “Ok…”

            I made sure I got them in my text message from Deanna and closed my eyes, sighing.  “Do you know anything about her?”

            “Her name is Park Min Young, and she’s a new trainee under NH Media.”

            I sniffled.  “Deanna…take me home.  Please, just take me home.”  I took my phone out and sent a text to my brother.  Oppa, are you home right now or not?

            He didn’t take long to reply back.  I’m home.  What’s up baby sis?

            Can I stay with you for a little bit?

            What’d he do?

            I’ll explain later.  Can I, though?

            Of course you can.  Do you need to bring Hana with you, too?

            No, it’s just going to be me.  I’ll be there in an hour or so.

            I’ll be here, baby.  I’ll have the door unlocked for you.

            Ok, I’ll see you when I get there.  I love you, Oppa.

            I love you, too, baby sis.

            I sighed from my spot in the passenger seat since Deanna had just parked.  “I’m going to stay with my brother for a little while.  I don’t want to see Eli for a while after tonight.”

            “Want me to help you pack?”

            “That would be helpful.  Thanks Dee.”

            She squeezed my hand before unbuckling her seat belt.  “Let’s go.”

            I got out and went inside, grabbing my big suitcase for when I would go on trips, alone or with someone, for an extended period of time.  I packed some clothes among other things I didn’t keep at Chunji’s place that I needed.

            Deanna carried it downstairs, setting it near the door.  “Are you going to leave him a note or something?”

            “I already did that.  Now I just wait till he comes home.  I’m going to call Eomma and tell her to keep Hana with her.”

            “You know our mother would love to have her sometime if you want her to.”

            I smiled.  “I know.  I’ll try to get her over to your house so you all can see her.”

            My tied-for-first closest friend hugged me tightly.  “Call me later so I know you’re alright.  If you need me at all, don’t hesitate to call.”

            I hugged her back.  “I won’t.”

            “See you later honey.”  She left the house.

            I sighed and went over to the couch, sitting down.  I sat there, doing nothing but staring into space while I waited.

            It hadn’t even been an hour after Deanna left when the door opened.

            “Baby, I’m home!”

            I stayed glued to my spot on the couch, trying not to cry.  My phone was in my hand.

            Eli came into the living room.  “Hey baby,” he tried to kiss me, but I turned away.

            “Don’t touch me right now.”

            “What’s wrong, Li?”

            “Sit down, I have to show you something.”  All of this was said with a hollow, lifeless voice.  It’s how I felt after seeing what had been shown to me, after all.

            He sat beside me.  “What is it?”

            “Just watch.”  I made it play the videos in a row, going in order by earliest date.  I also showed him the pictures I’d received as well.  Just seeing the videos had made me cry.

            Eli didn’t say anything, but he looked away and finally spotted what was fixing to happen.  “What’s with the suitcase?”

            I stood up and walked to the doorway of the living room and the front hall, grasping the doorway and looking over my shoulder.  “Isn’t it obvious?  I’m leaving, Eli.”  I faced forward and made a move to take a step, but he grabbed my wrist.

            “Who sent those to you?  How do you know they’re not fabricated?”

            I turned and looked up into his eyes.  “Are you ing kidding me right now, Eli?  You think these are lies?  Why don’t you just tell me, huh?  Are they lies or not?”

            “You’re believing someone else over your own husband?  What happened to our vows, huh?”  He held my left hand up by my wrist, his own hand beside it to show our rings.  “Like they say, ‘for better or for worse, till death do us part.’  That’s how it’s supposed to be!”

            “Well guess what?  Death has parted us once already!  You think I came back just to be married to a man who says he loves me, and then does this to me?!”  I held up my phone.  “Besides, not only did we not go by the traditional vows, but we wrote our own.  You said you’d wanted to stay by my side, just like you told me after I came back.  I had died just three months before our wedding, but I didn’t want to go that soon and came back!  I loved you!  Our daughter had literally just been born!  But you know what?  Now I regret not going back to the States when I found out I was pregnant with her!  I never would have to deal with any of this !  You would never have known about Hana!  I may’ve been a single mother, but I bet you that I pretty damn well wouldn’t have to be living in such a big lie like this marriage is!”

            “WHY THE HELL DO YOU THINK I CHEATED ON YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE?  DON’T YOU REALIZE WHAT A YOU WERE BEING WHEN YOU WERE KEEPING THAT DAMN MISCARRIAGE FROM ME?   YOU WOULDN’T ING TALK TO ME!  THE ONLY DAMN THING YOU’D DO AROUND THE ING HOUSE IS LAY IN BED ALL DAMN DAY MOPING ABOUT THE WHOLE ING THING!  WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS THERE THAT COULD’VE CAUSED US TO BREAK APART AND UP OUR MARRIAGE?!”

            I couldn’t help myself.  I slapped the hell out of Eli.

            He held his cheek and looked at me, purely stunned that I would act such a way.

            “No Eli, it wasn’t what I’d kept from you that’s breaking us apart each and every day.  It’s what you should’ve said all along.  This marriage isn’t worth working for anymore.”  I took off my engagement ring and my wedding band and set them in his hand, leaving the house on that note.  I was filled with anger as I drove, but I made myself calm down.

            My brother’s car was at the house when I pulled up.

            I sat there for a minute, crossing my arms on the steering wheel.  I put my face in my arms and started to weep, cursing my husband in every language I knew.

            The door opened, and a pair of arms pulled me out of my seat, carrying me into the house.

            I was all cried out a few minutes later.  I held onto the person’s neck, keeping my head against his shoulder.

            He rubbed my back.  “Tell me what happened.”

            I sniffled.  “I can’t without my phone.”

            “Then you stay right here, ok?  Oppa will be right back.”

            I nodded.

            Chunji brought my suitcase, purse, and phone into the house.  He left the bags by the door and set the phone in my hand.

            I opened the first video, again having them so they’d all play after the previous ended.  “Watch these, then look at the pictures in the text, too.”

            My brother set the phone down on the coffee table.  “I’m going to ing kill him.”

            “You should’ve heard what he said to me when I left the house.”  I unclipped something from my pants, holding it out.  “Listen to this one.”

            He listened to the recording of our argument before I left.  “That bastard…how could someone be such an ?”

            I sniffled and found the tissue box kept beside the couch, taking one to wipe my eyes.  “I don’t know, Oppa.  I just know that I feel beyond miserable right now.”

            “Did you leave Hana with him?”

            I shook my head.  “His mother has her.  Speaking of his mother, I need to call her.”  I found my mother-in-law’s number and called her.

            “Hello?”

            “Eomma, can you keep Hana for this week?  If Eli tries to pick her up, don’t let him.  Can you do that?”

            “Sure honey.  I was already, but is something the matter?”

            “Eli and I are having problems.  I don’t want him to get angry and accidently end up doing something to Hana in a blind fit of rage or anger.”

            “What’s happened sweetheart?”

            My eyes started to water.  “It’ll be ok, Eomma.  I have to go.”  I told my mother-in-law I loved her and got off the phone, letting my brother hold me close.

            There was a knock on the front door.

            “I’ll be right back baby girl.  Ok?”

            I nodded and made myself calm down.

            “Lizzie!”

            I looked up at the voice and was crushed in a bone breaking hug.  I hugged the person back tightly.

            “Are you ok?”

            I pulled back and looked at him.  “I could be so much better.”

            “I’m sorry you had to find out like you did.”

            I smiled sadly.  “You’re a true friend, Oppa.  I’m glad you told me.  It would be much worse if I had seen them myself.”  My phone rang beside me on the arm rest of the couch, and I picked it up.

            His picture was on the screen.

            “I don’t want to talk to you, Eli,” I muttered, ignoring the call and setting my phone aside.

            Kevin sat down and pulled me onto his lap, pushing my head on his shoulder.

            I hugged his neck.  “I never thought he’d do something like this.”  Silent tears ran down my face.

            Kevin rubbed my back.  “Neither did I until I saw it for myself.”

            I buried my face in his neck and let my feelings come out.  The tears that came now were the tears of sadness and depression.

            “Shh, shh, it’s ok.”  My best friend held me tightly.

            I grew warm and drowsy in his arms.  There were still tears falling from my eyes, but I was getting the pain out from my cruel husband.