We’d been married for one year, three months, and two weeks exactly.  For the past month, we’d been getting mad at the other for stupid reasons, if there even was one.  I was tired of fighting with my husband and going to bed mad.

            I looked at him while he slept beside me in our shared bed that was in our shared room which was in our shared house.  I’ve not felt one day of regret through our whole relationship.  I still love Eli with all my heart, but thinking about these stupid fights we’re having is making me doubt us.

            It’s not like anything happened to make us be like this toward each other.  It just started to happen.

            We never fight if Hana is at home with us.  Usually, it’s always if she’s with Eli’s parents when we fight.  Otherwise, we hardly even speak to each other.

            I got out of bed and went into the nursery to look in on our daughter.  I smiled when I saw her sleeping peacefully in her crib.  I pulled the blanket over her and went downstairs, looking through the dvd collection we had among the shelves.  I pulled a burned dvd out and saw it was unlabeled.  I set it in the dvd player and sat on the couch, laying back against the soft cushioning to watch the dvd.

            A newborn image of Hana came onto the screen.  It was a dvd from the hospital after she was born.

            “Look at you, Hana Kim.  You’re so beautiful.  You look so much like your pretty Mommy.  You have Daddy’s nose, though.  Where’s your Mommy at?”  The camera moved to me, pointing at a sleeping, younger version of myself.  “There she is.  You know how much Daddy loves her, right?”  Hana came back into focus, looking up at something…or someone.  “I love your Mommy so much, and I love you, too.  As long as you both are in my life, I will always love you and watch after you both.  Daddy didn’t do so well the first few months Mommy was carrying you, but I promise I’ll watch after you both.”

            I stopped it and sniffled, wiping at the tears that came to my eyes.  I got up and went to the dvd player, taking the disc out and replacing it with a movie.  I heard Hana start to cry upstairs and went to get her before I started watching the movie.

            Eli beat me to the nursery and was talking softly to Hana inside.

            I stood near the doorway to listen in.

            “You know Daddy doesn’t like fighting with Mommy, right Hana?  I wish we could just go back to normal so we could be a family again.  It’s tough being away from you and Mommy.”

            She cooed up at him, causing us both to smile.

            “I wish Mommy would see how I really feel.  I can’t help it when we argue back and forth.  I need your mother, Hana.  Anyone could see I do.  I love her to death.”  He kissed her forehead.  “I miss having my baby girl to sleep beside at night.  I wish Mommy would come back to bed with Daddy.  She may be doing something important.  Let’s leave her be, hmm?”

            I smiled sadly and went downstairs quietly, playing the movie.  I started to get sleepy and fell asleep on the couch.  I woke up in the bedroom upstairs, though.  I stretched and sat up, seeing a note on my bedside table.  I picked it up and read it.

            Mom came to get Hana.  When you wake up, let’s spend the day together.  Please baby, I miss us…I’ll be downstairs.

            I took a shower and just slipped on my purple silk robe.  Going downstairs, I found Eli.  “How long have you been waiting?”

            He looked at his watch.  “Only an hour or so, which is surprising.  I thought you’d keep me waiting much longer.”

            I rolled my eyes and sat beside him, taking the lotion from the coffee table.  I applied it to my legs and rubbed it into my skin, taking note of Eli’s reaction to seeing my bared legs.  I grinned and laid my legs over his lap.  “Does my hubby like what he sees?”

            He gulped.  “H-H-Haven’t I always?”  He cleared his throat.

            I took my legs away and stretched.

            Eli pulled me onto his lap so we could face each other.  “Baby, are you purposely trying to do this one?”

            “I’m just spending time with you Eli.”  I laid my head on his shoulder.

            “What happened to my baby?”

            I traced the veins in his neck with my finger.  “I heard how you talked to Hana last night.  Eli, I want to be like we used to.”

            “You do?”

            I cupped his face.  “I didn’t come back from death to leave you alone with Hana.  I’m sure as hell not going to keep you from her, either.”  I kissed him.

            He deepened the kiss slightly, holding me close.

            I pulled back and pressed my lips together.  “I actually have to tell you something, Eli…”

            “What is it, baby?”

            I sighed and moved to sit beside him.  “Something actually happened a month ago before all this started.”

            “What is it?”

            I looked away from him, messing idly with the ribbon on my robe’s hem.  “I had a miscarriage, Eli.”

            “What?”

            “Yeah…”

            Eli brought my chin up so I’d look at him.  “Baby, why didn’t you tell me?  How long had you known you were pregnant?”

            I wrapped my arms around him.  “I’d only known a week.”  The tears started to flow from my eyes.  “I didn’t even have the chance to tell you about it…”

            Eli pulled me onto his lap.  “Baby, why didn’t you just tell me about this from the start?  We could’ve avoided all this mess.”

            I sniffled.  “I didn’t want to tell you, Eli.  I thought you wouldn’t want me anymore.”

            “You foolish woman,” he hugged me tightly.  “How could you think anything so ridiculous like that?  I’ll always want you baby.”  Eli made me look up at him.  “I love you.  Why would I not want you just because you lost a baby?  It’s not your fault, baby.”  He wiped the tears from my eyes.  “Shh, stop crying.  I’m here.”  My husband pressed his lips into my hair.

            I took the tissue he handed me and wiped the wetness off my face.  “That’s why your mom had Hana the week you came home.”

            “There are always more chances for babies, Li.  There’s only one us, though.”

            I sniffled and smiled a little.  “Kevin said something close to that when I was pregnant with Hana.”

            “Really?”

            “Yeah, that day I was in the hospital.  He said, ‘there could always have been more babies.  There never would be another Lizzie.’  At least, I’m pretty sure that’s what it was.”

            “He was right.”  Eli hugged me tightly, rubbing my back.

            “So, why’d your mom come get Hana?”

            “She wanted to see Hana since she hasn’t for a couple of weeks now.”

            I looked up at him.  “Does she know we’re having problems?”

            “No one knows from me.”

            “Kevin knows.  He walked in on us arguing that one time.”

            “I told him it was that one time.  He thought we were both stressed out, taking it out on the other.”

            “That’s practically what it was, babe.”

            I felt like an towards my wife.  We hadn’t been married two years, and I was keeping a secret from her.  True, she kept a miscarriage from me, but it was easy to see why she wouldn’t tell me.  My secret was so much worse.

            I was at practice one day with the guys.  I was walking along the hallways to clear my head so it’d stop pounding from the intense rehearsing we’d just done.  That’s where I met her.

            She was Korean American, just like Kevin and me.  She wasn’t quite as beautiful as my wife, but she still was pretty good looking.  She was a new trainee under the Korean company U-Kiss was signed under.  Her name was Min Young Park.  She was 5’6” and a year younger than my wife.

            The two of us hit it off, in a friendly way, immediately from the first time we talked.  I felt like it was the day I’d met my wife all over again.  Over a course of two months, we got closer and closer to each other.

            In a matter of seconds from one moment and because of one small, little sentence…everything changed my life, my marriage, and my whole world.

            “Eli, what do you think of me?”  Min Young asked me while she lay on her back, staring at the ceiling.

            “You’re a great friend, and I think you’re very sweet.”

            “Do you like me?”

            “Of course I do, Min.”

            She looked over at me, a serious look on her face.  “Do you ‘like’ like me, though?”

            I looked over at her, startled she’d ask me such a question.  “You know I’m married, Min Young.”

            She bit her lip and looked back up at the ceiling.  “I always wondered if that was a cover up Oppa.  Are you afraid of commitment?  Or is it that you just haven’t found the right woman yet?  You never talk about her is why I don’t believe you when you say you’re married.  Your wife,” she said.

            I felt anger towards her, but I looked up at the ceiling beside her, unclenching my jaw after I realized what she said.  She was right.  I never talked about Lizzie when I was with her.  I began to question myself, and my love for my own beloved wife.  Why didn’t I ever talk about her anymore?  Why didn’t I tell Min Young more about Lizzie?  I didn’t know.

            I didn’t realize Min Young had crawled on top of me and straddled my waist.

            “Oppa, it’s just you and me here.  What should we do?”

            “Min, can you get off?”

            “No Oppa.”  She touched me like my wife did, tracing my face with her finger.

            In that moment, I saw my wife instead of another woman and made a big mistake.  I pulled Min Young, a woman who I’d grown close with in a matter of two months, close to me, and I kissed her.

            The guilt I never stopped feeling kept building up and bubbling over.  It’s the reason why I kept fighting back with Lizzie.  I didn’t want her to know what happened, but damn she made me feel so upset.  Not at her, of course, but at myself for touching another woman in the way I’d touch my wife and only my wife.

            We hadn’t stopped at that first kiss.  I grew addicted to the high I got from being with Min Young.  I felt like an still, but I craved the feeling I got from being with Min Young after we were both done rehearsing.

            “Eli, is she real?”

            I held Min in my arms, rubbing her back.  “Is who real, Min?”

            “Your wife.  Are you really married?”

            “I am.  I have been for almost two years.”

            “What’s wrong with her, Oppa?”

            “What do you mean?  Nothing’s wrong with her.”

            She stayed silent for a minute or two.  “I want to meet her.  Can I?”

            “I don’t think that’s such a great idea, Min Young.”

            “Why?  Are you ashamed of me?”

            “Min Young, she’s my wife.  She’s very smart, too.  She has amazing instincts.  Besides, we may not be able to control ourselves around her.”

            “It’s not like we’re making love yet.  We just make out.”

            I sighed.  “It’s just as bad as .  I’m still committing adultery.”  I sat up and took my phone out of my pants when a text came in.

            Appa is wondering why you’re late for lunch.  Ellison Kim, you better get your here, NOW.

            I sighed.  “I have to go.  My sister is cursing in texts already.”

            Min hugged me, kissing me passionately.  “I’ll miss you.”

            I bit her lip lightly.  “I’ll miss you, too.  See you tomorrow, ok?”

            “Ok.  Drive safely!”

            “I will Min.  Go home safely yourself.”  I left work and drove to the restaurant I was having lunch at with my parents and sister.  I apologized to all three of them and sat down.  “Where’s Li at?”

            “She didn’t tell you?”  My mother said, bouncing Hana in her lap.  “She wasn’t feeling too well when I went by, so I took Hana off her hands.  She didn’t look good at all.  I offered to stay, but she insisted that I come here.”

            I took out my phone and went into my texts.  “I don’t have a missed text or call from her.  Weird…”  I opened a new text to write.

            Baby, are you alright?  Mom said you weren’t feeling well.

            Don’t text her phone right now, I got back.  She’s resting, and I don’t want her to wake up.

            Which hyung are you?

            I’m not your hyung, but you better be glad as hell that I respect my sister enough not to beat your for letting her condition get so terrible.

            “Well, I’ll have a fun time when I get home…”

            “Why honey?”

            “Li’s brother is there.  He still hates my guts.  Mom, can I have Hana?”

            “Sure honey.”

            I received my daughter and kissed her cheeks.  “Daddy’s adorable little princess.”  I set my baby girl down in my lap, keeping her in an upright position with my hand.

            Hana squeezed my finger with her tiny hands and giggled.

            “You’re so silly, Hana Kim.”

            I went home with Hana after I ate at the restaurant and went home.  I carried Hana inside and laid her down in her crib for a nap before going into the bedroom.  I found a note left on my bedside table.

            She’s staying with me for a week since you don’t seem capable enough of even taking care of your own wife.  You better take care of my niece, or I won’t let Lizzie talk me against beating the living hell out of you.

            I sighed and laid back on the bed.  “You’re practically cheating on your wife, and she’s sick right now.  Way to go, Ellison.”

            My phone went off; I grabbed it quickly.

            I’ll be ok.  Don’t text Oppa…he’s really pissed off at you, honey.  I’ll be back when he frees me.  Get someone to take care of Hana if you need to.  I love you.

            I set my phone down and rubbed my face with both hands.  “You need to stop this.  You’re acting like a teenager chasing after a in heat.”  I picked up my phone and sent a reply back.

            Get well soon, baby.  Don’t worry about Hana.  You just worry about recovering.  I love you BG.

            I put the phone beside me and stared at the ceiling, just like I’d done with Min Young.

            My wife was sick, and I was too damn busy cheating with Min Young to notice her health had been going down.  She was even admitted to the hospital because she was so sick.  That made me feel like the biggest ever…but still I didn’t stop my infidelity.