A cold braze came from the open window and he let his long held breath to it. The night was still young but his mind was tired, the simple thought that he had to draw a smile and go out there again troubled his heart and that … that was the only reason he still sat there.

“And?”

“And …. “Another surrendering sight “… nothing “Youngbae answered.

 It was the end of the story, at least what he was willing to share of it. His friend didn’t need to know what he and Yun spent the rest of their morning doing, the space between the time they woke up and when they parted was theirs… and theirs alone. Even if he was forced to tell it, like all the previous parts were, wouldn’t it only bring that much disapproval to the other face? And make it that much harder on him?

“Nothing? “ The obvious disbelieve in the other voice did nothing to hide the growing anger, yet Youngbae didn’t bother to look up, or even try and ease the fury.

“Yes, nothing worth mentioning “

“You’re becoming a first class idiot, has anyone told that? “

“Yeah, I been hearing that a lot lately, especially from you Jiyong “Youngbae coldly replied, he didn’t want to be in that room, listening to his best friend telling him all the things he have done wrong. Jiyong only seemed to find faults in his actions lately … leaving their friendship hanging on a string , their 15 years of friendship seemed to be wearing out , what started the tension was as faded a memories as the one that got them together in the first place .

It came to him one night , a dreadful feeling that he was pulling away from everything he started life as , that he would end up landing far from what he once dreamed up as kid  , and Jiyong … not the angry pacing man in front of him but the 14 year old image of him who fed him dreams he never dared come up with on his own , the one who was so unlike him in every way , to the point of being a part of whole , that kid seemed to linger behind as Youngbae moved farther and farther from there  .

“When are you going to stop this brilliant plan of yours? because we are all sick of your “ G-Dragon famous for his playfulness failed to bring humor to his words , his face looked harsh when he tried to add a smile to that statement and Youngbae wondered if he lost sense of himself enough to drive them all the way over the edge , he was sure their long years together has tough him just what to do , just what to say to make Jiyong walk out of the room and leave him … this time not to ever come back  .

That thought made him nausea and he shock it painful out of his mind. He looked down at the bedroom floor in panic, it wasn’t so much out of fear from Jiyong seeing that ugly thought, but from the temptation that he felt seeing how angry Jiyong already was.

“You should leave “Youngbae voice was dry and small as if raising it would draw that thought back up.

“ it’s my room “ Jiyong replied with a challenge in his voice , it was all too obvious how much Youngbae dreaded having to go back out there but if his friend enjoyed watching him suffer the dreadful decision of staying or heading out to the crowd was for him to speculate on.

 The sound of laughter and talking never eased the whole time they were inside the bedroom; you would think people would miss him at his own party! Whomever Jiyong had distracting the guests, must be doing a damn good job at it.

Stepping into G-Dragon’s apartment, he was met with a crowd of smiling faces. from his manager , previous band mate’s to his friends , almost every single significant person in his life came to say goodbye , but it wasn’t long till he started seeing the obvious effortful smiles , the hollow laughs of some ,  the empty space … and the missing person that belonged there .

He didn’t want to head back out there and if that left him with an upset Jiyong who would say almost about anything to try to make him do the‘right’ thing … then so be it .

“ yeah , by the way those drapes of yours are horrible “ Youngbae hoped his voice didn’t sound as weak as he felt it did ,but when  Jiyong met his words with a blazing stare he decided to clear his throat and stay as quite as possible .

 “It’s all giddy and good for you, isn’t it? You get to go sulk with the army but Youngbae, you deserve … no… “His face lost the harsh glare, his voice soften and Youngbae found that more unbearable than the furious shouts “Yun deserve better than this“

He closed his eyes in response, he knew just how much more Yun deserved, and for Jiyong to say he didn’t hurt him, flared anger deep in him “since when are you so concerned over Yun? I thought you would be happy... you were right! We did end up in a mess “

“I  ...” Jiyong seemed struck that he would say such words, they might be true but they were also hurtful and for Youngbae to use them stated just how un right things were and with a face spilled with shame Jiyong said “we started off on the wrong foot, I know it’s no excuse and I admit how wrong I was to say something like that but Yun really doesn’t give the best first impression “he smiled sadly, seeming to think back to that first day.

, the smile despaired then he continued “a lot has happened since I said that, I was wrong. you were  bubbling like a girl with her first crush and I was afraid of the mistakes you might make but what’s strange is that day you told me you were willing to do anything to be with her and I believed you but now you’re running away from her like a damned cowered “

Youngbae opened his mouth but nothing seemed to come out, he wanted to try again … but what was he suppose to say? He wanted to stop GD’s flow of words and it took him a second to realize it already was. He raised his head in wonder to see Jiyong looking over his shoulder at the floating head of Daesung.

“Um  ... shouldn’t you guys head back out there “ his words were slow and carefully said , as if he was stepping into dangerous waters , his body hiding behind the slightly open door and his head ready to fallow .

“ we will be out there in a minute “ Jiyong said dismissingly , his eyes roaming back to Youngbae’s face , gaining back there previous blaze , Daesung mumbled something obviously not for either of them to hear and headed back out the door and  Youngbae … he was left to face Jiyong once again .

“He’s right; we stayed here long enough “he said without much hope.

“You’re not a coward, you’re not a fool, and then why are you driving yourself down that road. You two already went through the worst but if I were you …”

“But you’re not me  ... “ Youngbae interrupted , a wave of blind fury overtaken him , he finally got up and yelled in Jiyong face “ so stop saying how different you would have handled things , you have no idea .. “ he stepped forward , coming closer to Jiyong “…how it was like , being stuck there , while she went through hell down here , she was waiting for me to come back to break the news … saying I’m pregnant with your child was too good to be told over the phone “ he took a deep breath that did nothing to calm him down “ but saying I just lost a child ,  your child … wasn’t “

“Youngbae  ...” Jiyong started but nothing seemed to fallow.

“I was stuck in Japan because of a stupid promise, I promised I won’t let her name be attached to mine like that, not in scandal and I did as I promised “he looked Jiyong in the eyes and saw sympathy, the kind you don’t want your friends to feel toward you.

“You did the right thing, if you took the next plane home … abandoning your schedule like that, you wouldn’t have just ruined your name but her whole life “Jiyong said sadly, Youngbae nodded at the repeated words.

“it not right ... that’s not what love suppose to be, it’s not about abandoning one another to do the right thing, it’s not about honoring a word and breaking a hundred other  , I’m still waiting for someone to yell in my face that if I loved her enough I wouldn’t have let it come to that choice “ he searched Jiyong face for the response to his words  but he seemed not to have listened , he was again looking over Youngbae’s shoulder in the direction of the door .

“It’s never going to be about what love supposed to be “someone spoke from behind him and he span around before his mind registered who that voice belonged to.

“Yun “Jiyong greeted with a nod, with which she returned.

“How long have you been here?” he questioned but wither he meant the party or the room he didn’t know.

“For a while “her lips were pierced in disapproval, while her eyes seemed to shine with the touch of eyeliner she had on.

“Should I leave you two alone?” Jiyong already heading toward the door asked Yun.

“no, stay “her answer stopped him half way toward the door “Youngbae, there’s no what if for me … not a what if I never met you, not a what if I didn’t loss the baby, not a what if you were there with me and am done living between the fantasy future we dreamed of before and the reality struck haze you ended up in after. You can either stay or leave, there’s no hanging in between any more. “her voice was as strong as her words and he felt terror and bewilderment … Yun continued “to stay is to stay like we’re facing forever, no looking back and with that future you once told me about or you can leave, I know I did everything I can to make this work, I won’t say what if on this either …   but will you?”

He never wanted to leave, not even as his hand signed his name to the two years minatory sheet, he was lost in the need for misery, his mind nagging that he took more than his share of happiness in the first few months he met her … and he needed to pay, it started with her miscarriage and he didn’t want it to touch her again.  the griping fear that lived inside him ever since her tearful voice admitted their loss ,seemed to grow , over take him , but she smiled … In the midst of that moment, with Jiyong long forgotten, the sound of people outside nothing but instrument for their soundtrack, a small trusting smile.

“Do you love me? “

Looking her in the eye, he felt greed, he wanted her and he wanted their future. he just wished the ring Jiyong argued him about not giving her earlier was with him , but settled to returning her smile and simply answered  “ yes “.`