She often wondered how there lives would fit together and he never managed to answer that, he himself wondered how! And why … why every answer seemed to only bring them pain and loss?

There were some nights … when they been away long enough that he feared he was forgotten the exact shade of her eyes and it would tear him up … the thoughts that maybe it was just too hard, too agonizing and just too impossible for them to be together and as long as it was her heart and her life that being turned into shreds he won’t feel or say that it would be worth it.

And it was in her eyes … in her dark glittering eyes that he saw how this answer also failed, he was gambling with what little they had …. For her and it wasn’t the sudden pain in his chest or the prayer that ouched in his head that made him shut his eyes tight. It was her eyes …. And the shame and guilt he felt for not having walked away sooner when it would have been easier for the two of them.

Youngbae forgot his lines, the ones that supposedly were going to make her feel better, that ones that eat up at him whenever he thought of that moment, haven’t he repeated them over and over again when his friends and family called him crazy for doing it! His lines were gone and he stood facing the only person he owed an explanation to with nothing to say. it might be easier for him to just say what’s on his heart , she might feel a little better , he might even see her smile but what about after he leaves … can he bear the thoughts of leaving her strained ! Waiting night after night! No, he loved her enough not to.

her voice felt to him like the edges of broken glass  , husky and week she said “ you did what ?” and with his eyes closed he could almost … almost let his heart believe that voice didn’t belong to the same girl that whispered words of love when he held her in his arms , but sooner or later he had to open his eyes  and face the fact that there was no going back , his mind still stubbornly argued that he was doing what was right for their future … if ever there was going to be one but that voice was fading , he just hoped it would stick around long enough to get him through this .

her shirt still lay on the floor seemingly unaffected with what shock there world ,  her long hair give to a  messy wave at the end and he knew she had put it into a pun all day as she worked , she never started her day with her hair up but she soon get annoyed with it and frustratingly put it away , it covered her almost upper body  … cream and chocolate he teased the first time he seen her like this and she awarded him with her rich laugh , he doubted he would hear it that night  .  she been waiting for him ….maybe for hours , he could tell from the open drawer , the one she only went through when she was anxiously waiting , she been waiting for him … to hold her , to kiss her and he ended up  making her cry .

She never complained, always saying it will get easier with time. his life will slow down but it’s been two years since his contract as a part of big bang ended and still he found it hard to escape into her arms, to find the time away but he wouldn’t have to worry about that anymore, when he get back they won’t have to worry about his life, his fame because for her he would throw it all away.

three weeks they been apart that time, it wasn’t his scudual but his heart that kept him away, he couldn’t face her, couldn’t tell her but his company who were also opposed to it were to announce it the next day and he wasn’t that big of cowered to let her know that way , so with his bounding heart he knocked her door.

he understood the urgency with which she have met him at the door and he matched it with his own if not more , for if she kissed him out of lounging and the joy of holding him after the long await, he have kissed her out of departure and the heartache of the near goodbye but the kiss they shared as she pulled him to her apartment was nothing but a fading memory and it’s sweet taste was over shadowed by the bitter words he said the words he repeated again.

 “I joined the army “

“I am leaving next week “

he wanted her to yell in anger like his best friend did, he wanted her to cry like his mother, call him a fool to go running into it when he could still delay it for years like his brother, anything but stand there as if waiting for a flicker of wind to come and blow the pieces of her heart away.

“I think it’s the best thing to do, to get it over with now …. The best thing for both of us “

Her face hardened in a way he never seen before and said through clinched teeth “I am not your wife or your fiancé; I don’t have a right over you or what you do with your life. But how dare you … how dare you say this is what’s best for us “

he still haven’t looked back at her eyes but saw her lips tremble, a simple falter and he found himself aching to hold her, aching to wipe the tears that were surly in her eyes but he didn’t because she was right, she wasn’t his to hold, to tie down while he went away and that was the only console he had in this. She could move on with her life and he wouldn’t be more than a guy she once knew but he wondered if she would chose that . It always puzzled him why she stayed. over and over again he hurt her but she always welcomed him with a smile at the door … time and time again she spilled tears over their pathetic life’s but still sent him out the door with a kiss . He didn’t doubt her love like she always accused him of doing but he failed to see how her heart could take everything that his dream, his life thrown at them and still chose to open the door for him.

 “We can’t keep living the way we do “

“But Youngbae …. I never asked for more “he knew that but he owed her more, he owed her a life were she didn’t have to hide … were she didn’t have to be a secret.

“Two years … and when I get back ..” his voice cracked and he couldn’t go on . he didn’t know what would happen when he got back , will he still want what he always wanted …. A stage and will she still refuses to go up on it with him , he didn’t know .

“ You can’t do this , not now “ she said in anger but what really stung him was the words she didn’t say , the ones that filled his head and hers but were left untold . his eyes roamed over her face and landed back at her eyes , he used to smile when he thought of her clear and honest eyes , she could lie all she want but they always gave her way and in them he saw that her anger was nothing but a thin layer and behind it was raw pain , it moved like shadows trapped inside her eyes waiting for the moment she let it all go and far back behind all that was a small lit hope and it was there that he lost his better judgment and spoke about their forbidden future .

“ would you rather I  gave you a ring so you would give it back to me in two years or do you want me to leave you with a child in your arms ? “

She was shocked to say the least , he never spoke of this even if they both knew he thought of it and the sad smile that seemed to be on her face more and more lately was there again .

“ sometimes I think you want me to leave  … “ and he does but not for the reasons she thinks “…and then you do something so breath taken that I can’t but think this man must truly love me . I know I don’t make it easy for you , you’re not used to sharing your life with anyone and I always nag about the way I want things my way … “ he found himself moving toward her shaking his head furiously  , the last thing he wanted is her thinking it was somehow her fault when everything that was lacking was on his part but she still continued with her heartbreaking speech .

“ … you’re a loner , I would be blind if I didn’t see that but then you talk about how you’re in need to have someone there with you and I often wonder if you think am just not fitting to be that person “

He struggled to find his voice and what he said seemed to barely reach passed his lips “ how could you think that ? “

“  then you go off and do something like this , deciding for the two of us a decision that only a mind that’s set off to live a life on it’s on would make  and again I wonder…. haven’t I said it enough ? When will you hear me when I say I love you ?  “

He reached out and wrapped his arms around her but she refused to come any closer and still she went on .  He never knew she thought of him that way and it was painful hearing it said like that .

“ you always find ways to blame yourself for everything ,  sometimes I wonder if you’re with me or somewhere else in your mind thinking of how you could make yourself more miserable “ she went back to crying and he tried hugging her again , this time she moved forward and buried her head in his chest “ you’re an idiot , did you know that ? “

“ I know “ he said glumly  , apparently she wasn’t the easy to read one between them and he felt like crying for failing so miserably . he tightened his arms around her which only made her cry harder, her hands griped at his shirt as she whispered “ you don’t have to go through everything on your own “

He was touched  with her words but kept quite till she was all cried out then he kissed the top of her head “ I am sorry “

She looked up at him from between his arms , their faces so close he had difficulty putting her in focus “don’t do it “

“ It’s been already done , there’s no going back now  .. And  I might admit it was wrong doing it without telling you but I still believe this is the right thing  , the only thing “ 

“ two years won’t change a thing “ it was clear she meant two things with her words but he chose to ignore one and replied “ when I get back no one will care if I have a girlfriend or not , no one will come swarming into your place asking questions and snapping pictures “

“ this isn’t about you being famous or me not wanting to go through that … what happened happened Youngbae , you can’t keep beating yourself up for something you had no control over “

His eyes tightened and he hoped she couldn’t read the guilty that spilled over his face “ I … “ he felt his throat close up but he continued “ I should have been here for you … you shouldn’t have went through that on your own “

He felt her hands roam his face as if trying to smooth his sorrow away “ when will you let it go , when will you quite thinking over things and just see that I love you , I loved you throughout that and will still love you when you get back , ”

“ two years is a long time “ he whispered but he was all out of fighting , he wanted to believe they were past that and maybe for one night he could  , maybe for that night he could forget about that past that  hunted him and just be with her .

“ Not long enough “ she whispered back as his lips hovered over hers and his hands on her moved her closer between his arms .