Denial, Taeyeon’s New Name

 

 

 

 

        There were only a few things that Taeyeon wanted in her life: a good career in her chosen field, a nice apartment that let in a good amount of sun, a decent-looking bank account, a comfortable life shared with someone who would stay forever, a caring and devoted husband, preferably, a Christian...A life her late grandmother had wished for her.

        “As long as you’re happy, that’s more than enough,” her grandmother had repeated almost every time, during walks in the park, while grocery shopping, and even in the last moments they shared together.

 

        But when Tiffany confessed to her...

 

        A lot of things changed.

        Everything.

 

        Her dreams, her wants...

        Her dreams.

 

        And she hated Tiffany for it.

 

 

*

 

 

        “Stop following me.”

 

        “Who says I’m following you? We live in the same dorm, remember?”

 

        Taeyeon almost snarled at the girl behind her.

 

        Yeah, that same excuse.

        She had been told those same words, when Tiffany suddenly pulled her to the emergency staircase, and confessed her feelings for her with an adulterated kiss.

 

        Taeyeon picked up her pace, doing her best to create a wider gap between them...

        But with slightly shorter legs than Tiffany’s--

 

        “Can’t we just walk back together?” Tiffany suggested, catching up with her easily. The light sounds of the other girl’s footfalls resounded in her head, reminding her of the days...the days before, when they, actually, walked home together.

        “No, we can’t.”

        “Why not?”

        Taeyeon stopped in her tracks, and completely faced Tiffany.

        The other girl stopped as well, looking a bit surprised that she finally did, after running after her since their last class in their major.

 

        Taeyeon initially wanted to yell, “Go away!”

        Or threaten her with a “If you don’t stop right now, I’ll tell Yuri that you flick her dog’s head whenever she’s not around.”

        But seeing how Tiffany’s eyes glisten with something familiar, she couldn’t even raise her voice towards her.

 

        All she could manage was a weak, “Stop this, Tiffany...”

 

        The girl’s lower lip quivered. “Why, Taeyeon?”

 

        Because I--I can’t...

 

        There were a lot of why’s and why not’s... But she didn’t want to probe further.

        Everything about Tiffany, she didn’t want to delve further.

        And at the moment, she wished that she could see something else, other than Tiffany’s pretty...pretty eyes, Tiffany’s beautiful mouth, Tiffany’s lovely face.

 

        She focused on their shoes instead, and said something as silly and somewhat childish as...

 

        “Because I don’t like walking back together with you anymore, that’s why.”

 

 

*

 

 

        “What did you do to Tiffany-unnie?”

 

        Taeyeon groaned as a small pillow hit her head.

        Here we go again.

 

        “What did your nosy girlfriend tell you this time?” she asked back, briefly eyeing her equally nosy cousin. She had no intention of changing how she lay on her stomach to retaliate.

        “Yuri-unnie doesn’t need to tell me anything,” Yoona replied, her arms crossed. She also looked cross. She stared down at her, towering over her bed as if Taeyeon was not two years older than her. “I saw how she is. She has been in her room moping the whole day.”

        She groaned again, going back to reading a Kirino crime novel. “It’s nothing...”

        “Since when did Tiffany-unnie become nothing to you?”

        “I didn’t say it like that.”

        “Well, how can we rephrase it then?” Yoona repeatedly nudged the bed with her foot. “That you’re being an unreasonable right now, and that you can’t see how you’re hurting her with your ‘-ness?’”

        Taeyeon buried her chin on her pillow. She decided to let it slide but the text on her book was not helping her deviate her thoughts away from the ‘annoying cousin-she-didn’t-ask-for,’ and from the ‘girl moping next door.’

        “The two of you were close, Taeyeon-unnie,” Yoona stressed it out. Taeyeon could hear the worry from her voice. “What happened?”

        Taeyeon’s jaw clenched.

 

        She wanted to yell, in what Yoona could perceive as ‘-ness,’ “Why is it always me? Go ask her, why don’t you?”

        Or change the mood to melodrama with a sullen, “She changed everything.”

        But as the image of Tiffany sulking in her room swam in her head, all she could do was bite on her tongue, and stay mum.

 

        Is her nose getting red by now?

        I hope she doesn’t cry.

 

        Another pillow hit her head. Her stream of thoughts was disturbed, once again.

        Yoona let out a huff as she stomped out of the door, but not without saying, “Just so you know, Taeyeon-unnie, your pretense would be much believable if you turn a page. You’ve been reading the same one since this morning.”

 

 

*

 

 

        Taeyeon got back one time, drunk, wasted, as if she had gone through a bad break-up... or maybe, something close to it.

        Yoona struggled with the added weight, and the wobbly footing.

        But Taeyeon didn’t care, and just leaned on Yoona, even if her lovely cousin cursed her under her breath with an “I’ll tell your Mom all about this, and make up stories along the way, that you developed a bad smoking habit and that you deal with questionable men in their 40s.”

        Taeyeon only scoffed. She tightened her clutch on her cousin’s shoulder. “The hell you will. Just one ‘Auntie, Yoona had a tattoo done on her cleavage,’ and you’ll be on the earliest trip back home.”

        Yoona tsk’ed under her breath. She let out an unladylike grunt, and yanked her towards another flight of stairs. She shook her head again, and hissed as if she strained a muscle. “You can drink all you want when we stay in a dorm with a working elevator, unnie. But this, here?”

        “Let’s move out then!” She yelled, instantly earning a loud “Hey, shut it!” from one of the floor’s residents.

        “Ohmygod, unnie. Do you want to be kicked out even before we can even consider moving out?” Yoona hissed, looking behind her to check if someone would come out from the rows of doors to throw a shoe at them.

        When they reached their floor, Yoona let the both of them fall on the hallway floor, giving up. Their room was at the other end of the hallway, at least seven doors away, but Yoona seemed really spent, heaving huge gulps of air like a fish that accidentally jumped in on a boat.

        Taeyeon wordlessly sat on the floor, and leaned her tired back on the wall. If she could also rest her tired heart somewhere else other than her tired chest, she would very much like that.

        Yoona sat on the other side. She stared at her, shaking her head in disapproval. “It’s only five in the afternoon, and you already look like sh!t.”

 

        Taeyeon breathed out through her nose. Her alcohol-stimulated mind reeled. She wanted to say, “Don’t look at me like that. Blame your girlfriend’s roommate.”

        She wanted to point the finger at someone else, other than herself, “She changed everything!”

        But with the door to the fire exit just a few feet beside them, all she could do was close her eyes, and try to tune everything out.

 

        That fateful day at the emergency staircase...

 

        Tiffany had never looked so beautiful.

        Even if the dim light in the empty staircase looked so depressing, and the silence almost felt oppressive.

        Tiffany’s face, how she looked at her--

 

        “Who broke your heart for you to be like this?” She heard Yoona softly whisper.

        Taeyeon’s eyes shot open. Bile swiftly rose up . She stood up, almost stumbling from the effort. She stared down at her cousin.

        “Who broke who?”

 

        Because younger cousins should never be that precisely right.

 

        “I didn’t ask you to come and get me at that bar!” Her voice sounded harsh for someone who just half-carried her back, for someone as dear as Yoona.

 

        Because getting drunk was better than wallowing in self-hate.

 

        “Who says you can talk about some sh!t you can’t understand?” Her words echoed down the hall.

 

        Yoona looked up at her... There was a hint of pity in her eyes. “But unnie, I do—“

 

        “I’m not like you and Yuri!”

 

        Because I’m rotten, and stupid and--

 

        “I’m not—“

 

        “Shut up, Taeyeon-sshi!”

        It was only a matter of seconds before the other residents on their floor opened their doors, cast glares at them, and shout expletives at her.

        Another door opened, and she saw Yuri come out.

        With just one look at her, bristling, and then at a sad-looking Yoona sitting on the floor, Yuri came marching towards them. Her face was expressionless, but her hands were balled into fists on her sides.

        Taeyeon stood her ground...even if a sober person should actually run away in the same situation.

        Because yeah, alcohol made her stupid, and--

        It only took a few seconds, and she got wordlessly dragged by Yuri.

        Not to the dorm room she shared with Yoona, but to another one…the room Yuri shared with Tiffany.

 

        She could have fought her way out of it, out of Yuri’s grasp, out of the room, but everything happened so fast, and everything went past her eyes in a blur. Not to mention that Yuri worked out thrice a week, jogged every morning, and skip-roped when stressed.

 

        Yuri opened another door and literally pushed her inside.

        Taeyeon groaned weakly.

 

        She could easily tell, even with eyes closed.

        She was in her room.

 

        The room of one surprised Tiffany.

 

        Tiffany’s eyes were wide, looking as if she didn’t fully understand the situation yet. But when she saw Taeyeon struggle a bit with her balance, the other girl stood up from her bed, and walked closer to her in reflex...

        ...As if she could catch her if she ever stumbled on her feet...if she fell.

 

        Different thoughts spiraled in her head.

 

        Did she look decent enough, even without make-up? Was she ready to face her? Did she stink of alcohol and cigarettes from the bar? Could she take it this time if Tiffany got hurt again because of her?

 

        “Taeyeon-unnie! Are you okay?” Yoona asked her as soon as she caught up with them. She furiously turned to Yuri and shoved her for manhandling Taeyeon.

        Yuri dismissed what her own girlfriend just did to her, and held Yoona’s hand instead, steering her back. Then, she turned to Taeyeon, and said in a clear voice worthy of her one-lined appearance, “I dare you to make a scene here.”

 

 

*

 

 

        Taeyeon stared at the other girl with tired eyes, amazed that Tiffany could still be so focused after hours of reading on the same subject.

        Studying for exams proved to be more bearable only if Tiffany was also studying with her inside her room. The girl’s focus didn’t stray as much as hers, and could read on through the night without as much as a yawn, and a milk-and-cookie break. Taeyeon also felt more obliged to study, to the point that she, once or twice, almost felt bullied by Tiffany’s glare, and her constant ‘Just a few more pages, come on.’

        But that night, she was already tired, and getting a bit cranky from lack of rest.

        “Can we stop now?” She looked up from her book, staging a puppy-begging-for-a-Minion-toy-to-bite-on look. It was already three in the morning, and they had been cramming for their exams since four in the afternoon...the previous day.

        “No.” Tiffany didn’t look up from the book on her lap. She didn’t even see her ‘puppy eyes,’ that always did the trick.

        Taeyeon closed her textbook shut, and groaned loudly. She went, half-stomping, half-dragging her feet to her bed where the other girl was still focused on reading. Without as much as a tired sigh, she lay on the bed, her head on Tiffany’s thigh, her brown hair spread out on a page of Tiffany’s book. She didn’t care if her hair strands got in the way, and apparently the other girl didn’t too.

        Tiffany didn’t reprimand or push her off. Instead, she reached a free hand, and gently ran her fingers through Taeyeon’s hair.

        She felt really tired, and she felt it even more as her body began to relax under Tiffany’s touch. She wanted to cry, because the relief and comfort were so overwhelming that she felt as if late night studying was the worst thing that happened to her.

        “Do you want to eat?” Tiffany’s voice sounded gentle above her. “Cheese ramyun, maybe? I can cook for you.”

        “No, I’m okay…” Taeyeon mumbled, feeling warmth emanating from the girl beside her.

        “Or we can pick up Yoona and Yuri from our dorm room, and we can all go out for coffee or something. Would you like that?”

        She shook her head, and closed her eyes in response.

 

        Words left her. She had already melted beside Tiffany.

 

        “Take a nap then,” Tiffany said in a whisper, as if she was telling her, not suggesting at all. “I’ll wake you up later, I promise.”

        So, she gave in to slumber, with only the sound of pages rustling in the background. Tiffany occasionally hummed to her, lulling her further, deeper.

 

        Taeyeon had dreamt in that 40 minutes she had slept. But when Tiffany woke her up, she couldn’t remember what it was about. She decided that it must have been a good one because she felt all fuzzy and warm inside.

 

        She didn’t get up yet, but stared up at Tiffany from where she lay.

 

 

*

 

 

        “Stop this.”

 

        Tiffany shook her head, her eyes shut tight.

        Taeyeon was sitting across from her on the floor. She leaned back on the door that Yuri slammed shut behind her, while Tiffany kneeled in front her, her hands tightly holding on to her arm.

        “I don’t want to lose you,” the other girl almost choked on her words. Tiffany’s grip was becoming painful, but Taeyeon didn’t pry herself away.

        “Don’t you have any pride at all?”

        Tiffany whimpered, as she shakily took a deep breath. She looked hurt at what she just said.

        “Tell me, why can’t I be this close to you?” the other girl asked, in a faint voice she hadn’t heard from her before. “What changed?”

        “A lot.”

        Taeyeon knew that those two words didn’t do justice to whatever Tiffany was going through, or even to what she was truly feeling for the other girl... It was taking a toll on her, Tiffany’s pain, Tiffany’s proximity... Tiffany’s pain.

 

        She wanted to lash out at her, remember all over again the things that made her question what really made her happy, and cry out words like, “Take them back. Your confession, the things you told me, that kiss. Everything!”

        Or something impossible for her to say like, “Don’t you ever cry now, or I’ll hate you.”

        But seeing how Tiffany’s eyes glisten with something familiar, she couldn’t even raise her voice at her.

 

        All she could manage was a weak, “I don’t know what to do anymore.”

 

 

*

 

 

        Taeyeon felt peace.

        She was at peace whenever she was with Tiffany.

 

        They lazed on Tiffany’s bed, lying down, side by side. It was a common sight, whenever they were too sluggish to go out, whenever another major exam was dealt with, or if the bed was too warm to get separated from it. They always seemed to have an excuse. They would talk about anything random. Sometimes they would share the jelly candies, and chocolates Tiffany always hid conveniently in one of her bedside drawers. They would watch movies on Taeyeon’s laptop, drink cheap wine from the nearby supermarket, and just spend time together.

        Taeyeon lay on her side, facing the other girl. She was playing with the buttons on Tiffany’s loose flannel shirt, the patterns distracting her.

        “Want to see them ed?”

        Her head shot up. Her eyes widened at the girl who was doing that adorable eye-smile of hers. She was obviously being teased. Taeyeon immediately took her hand back, pressed them to her sides, and tried to look somewhere else, apart from the girl who was glowing...beaming at her, apart from the girl who had been taking her breath away by simply smiling.

        “You’re really beautiful...”

        Tiffany stole the exact words from the tip of her own tongue.

        Taeyeon repeatedly blinked, her thoughts lagging. Tiffany was looking at her like she was something precious, like she was more special than pink, the colour the other girl was obsessing on.

        “Do you even know that about yourself, Taeyeon-ah?” Tiffany’s voice became soft. Taeyeon could feel her own eyes flutter just listening to it.

        She mentally shook her head.

        “You’re not bad yourself,” she replied, getting a bit flustered.

        “Well, thank you.” Tiffany looked up at the ceiling, a wide smile plastered on her face. If that smile could get any more beautiful, then it just did.

 

        Taeyeon suddenly wanted to say things like, “I don’t mind if we stay like this for a long time.”

        Or simply inch her way closer to Tiffany, because words were failing her again.

        But seeing how Tiffany’s eyes glisten with something familiar, she couldn’t even move...

 

        All she could do was stare...

 

        “Do you still miss your grandma?”

        “Yes. A lot, recently.”

 

        Every time I think of you.

 

 

*

 

 

        Taeyeon bit hard on the insides of ...

 

        It helped a lot to stop herself from giving in to Tiffany. She had expected this moment. It came at the right time too. But no matter how she had foreseen it happening, she didn’t expect the effect on her to be that—

        “Is it wrong to hold on to you like this?”

        Tiffany looked down at her hands tightly clasped on her knees. In a voice that clearly tried to sound strong, she said, “You don’t need to feel a thing for me. Let this fall into one of those tragic unrequited love stories.”

        Taeyeon breathed in through the tightness in . Her eyes stung. She shook her head, not wanting to process what Tiffany had said about love being unrequited.

        Tiffany let her arm go to wipe her eyes harshly with the back of her hands. “Just don’t push me away, anymore.”

 

        But her eyes, those same eyes that could stop heartbeats, glistened with something she was not familiar with.

        And it shook her greatly. All the effects of alcohol completely left her system, leaving her hyper-aware of the things she had been afraid to witness.

 

        She’s crying...

        Taeyeon realized.

 

        Chills ran down her back, her shoulders slumped in an instant as she watched them freely trail down the other girl’s cheeks.

        She didn’t mean it. She only wanted to get away.

 

        “No... Don’t cry, Tiffany. I’m sorry.”

        Her own voice came out raspy, and it surprised Taeyeon just a little to find herself tearing up as well. Because she finally... finally accepted what it meant to actually ‘feel for someone.’

 

        That one heartache could be felt by two.

 

        “I still believe that you’re better off not falling for a coward...” She kneeled closer to Tiffany. She simply wanted to be close, to feel her warmth again.

 

        ...Because she, herself, couldn’t... shouldn’t go on hiding, anymore.

 

        “...But if you’re ready to repeatedly forgive someone as weak as me, please give me a chance.”

 

        She knew that it was the lamest, most disgraceful proposal on the face of the earth, but it was all she could do for Tiffany to stop crying again. Taeyeon squeezed her eyes shut, and waited to feel any form of reaction, still afraid to face something as complex as ‘feelings for Tiffany.’

 

        She soon felt gentle fingers wiping the wet stains on her cheeks.

 

        “There will never be a happy ending for the both of us,” Taeyeon still said, at another worthless attempt to push the other girl away. She knew that she was hurting Tiffany all over again by saying a lot of ‘never’ even before they could even start.

 

        But she only heard a soft chuckle, along with a few sniffles.

 

        “What-what happens when we get together? We might even break up after a year or two.”

        Even as her tears started to dry in sticky blotches on her face. There was no reason to cry anymore.

        Even as she marveled at the fact that deep inside, all she couldn’t feel was hate or sadness.

 

        But she only felt hands gently take her own.

 

        “I could never be as strong as Yuri or even Yoona... We can never have what they have.”

 

        But Tiffany simply hushed her with the gentlest kiss on her cheek.

        And Taeyeon felt weaker with something else entirely.

 

        “We’ll be okay, Taeyeon-ah...”

 

 

        There were only a few things that Taeyeon had wanted in her life: a good career in her chosen field, a nice apartment that let in a good amount of sunlight, a decent-looking bank account, a comfortable life shared with someone who would stay forever, a caring and devoted husband, preferably, a Christian... A life her late grandmother had wished for her.

 

        Her current life missed everything on that list.

        And Tiffany only fitted half of one of them.

 

        Because Tiffany looked at her like she ‘could stay forever.’

 

        “We’ll be okay... You’ll see.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

--END--