The Way It Should Be

 

 

 

         A dreamless slumber.

 

         Yes.

         How she needed that at the moment.

 

         Her lips were still a little numb from all the beer they had downed an hour ago. Her limbs were still buzzing, felt light and heavy at the same time.

         The clock was ticking, syncing with the beating of her heart... although the latter was a beat ahead.

 

         Waiting patiently was one of her good strengths. She always thought that at the end of every wait, there would always be something that would make up for time that passed.

 

         But waiting for her, alone in her dimly-lit living room, felt like punishment...like waiting for a long-deserved answer, a word could either move you or break you.

 

         A part of her would like to head towards the guest room, and give in to sleep.

         Because she needed to sleep it off, all the interaction, the soft whispers, the lingering touches.

 

         She wanted to forget everything, even the fun things they did.

         Forget everything...except for her. Single her out, and then remember only her.

         Because she couldn't forget, even if she tried her best.

 

         Her eyes felt heavy. She was a bit drowsy from the alcohol in her system.

 

         But still, she stayed awake...and stayed behind.

         Until she could see her, even just for a short while.

 

         Did she feel this tortured before she told me everything?

         Did she feel like this that time?

 

         The anticipation had been wearing her out.

         Still, Tiffany had to do it.

 

         And sure enough, after 10 minutes or so, the door opened to reveal her -- Taeyeon.

         With her slightly-messy flowing light brown hair, milky skin, supple pink lips...

 

         Taeyeon.

 

         She got out of her own room, gently closing the door behind her. She fixed her hair and tugged on her knitted sweater by the collar, effectively covering the red marks on her smooth collarbones.

 

         But Taeyeon wasn't able to hide the flush on her cheeks.

 

         And Tiffany couldn't force herself to look away.

         Even if it could save her life, she could never look away from Taeyeon.

 

         She had realized that too late.

 

         "Sooyoung is already asleep in your guest room."

 

         Taeyeon flinched at the sound of her voice. The way those shoulders tensed was hard to miss. She must not have seen her sitting at the middle of the living room.

 

         Was I like that to her before?

 

         Tiffany's grip tightened around the bottle of beer she had opened while she was alone. She couldn't afford to have the buzz from the alcohol leave her, especially while she was still in Taeyeon's apartment.

 

         Taeyeon nodded, running a hand through her hair, conscious. Then, she walked over and joined her at the black make-shift sofa bed, where they had shared soju shots, beer, rants and gossip an hour ago. She occupied the other side, carefully putting, at least, a meter between them. She said, "Jessica's asleep now, too."

 

         Of course.

 

         "Why are you still up?"

 

         "I felt guilty for trashing your apartment, or, at least, for contributing to the mess," Tiffany replied, pointing at the half-filled garbage bag at the corner of the room. "So I took the initiative..."

 

         "Wow, thanks, Tiffany. But you know you don't need to do that." Taeyeon laughed softly. "It's better that you all have a drink here rather than have it somewhere else."

 

         Spoken like a full-blooded homebody.

         Tiffany smiled a bit.

 

         "But really, thanks," Taeyeon added, looking at her as if an eye contact was needed to show how sincere she was in thanking her.

 

         Tiffany slightly frowned though at the flow of excessive 'thanks.'

         Since when did 'friends' talk to each other like that?

 

         Her beer was already getting warm. The moisture around the bottle was making the skin of her fingers wrinkle.

 

         "No problem," TIffany said, nonetheless. "I was just a little annoyed that I was left alone to clean up when it was Sooyoung who lost the penalty game for the two of us."

 

         Taeyeon chuckled softly. "That's what you get for pairing up with that clumsy pole in the first place."

 

         Tiffany took a swig from the bottle. "I had no choice. I can't pair up with you anymore."

         She really tried to sound indifferent.

 

         Taeyeon went still beside her. Her voice faltered a bit as she said, "But you--you got to admit, Jessica and Sooyoung's impersonation of Mario and Luigi was hilarious."

 

         Tiffany nodded. She didn't miss the fake brightness in Taeyeon's voice.

         She tried to lighten up a bit in return. "Yeah, it would have been funnier if they didn't repeatedly throw themselves at us."

 

         "But we were the mushrooms!"

 

         Tiffany scoffed. "What the hell happened to traditional pillow fights?"

 

         Taeyeon laughed, relaxing onto the backrest.

         Fondness was evident in her eyes, and something else that prodded on old emotions, making Tiffany hold her breath in pain.

 

         Her eyes stung.

 

         How could a person make her want to smile and cry at the same time? To the point that it was driving her --

 

         "Tell me something crazy," Taeyeon suddenly asked.

 

         Yes.

         Crazy.

 

         Tiffany swallowed back the tightness in .

 

         "Like what? Aside from what we've been telling each other all night at Truth or Dare?" she asked back.  

 

         Taeyeon nodded, enthusiastically. Her eyes were shining, so clear even in the dimness of the room.

         Tiffany saw a ghost of how Taeyeon used to look at her.

 

         She shifted on her seat. It was the first time Taeyeon asked something again from her since a year ago. No matter how trivial it might be, she would like to grant it for her.

 

         Now, 'crazy'...

         She thought for a moment.

 

         Then, it has to be that.

 

         It was the first thing that came to mind -- to finally say the first secret she had kept from Sooyoung and Taeyeon, her supposed-to-be closest friends, after a long time.

 

         She took another drink from her beer bottle, and fought a grimace from showing on her face.

         Warm beer just tasted --

 

         Bitter.

 

         Tiffany breathed in before she started, "My Dad thinks I'm still with his favorite associate at the law firm. That guy, Minwoo... It has been a year since we ended it."

 

         Sooyoung had stopped asking about him ages ago. Her friend probably knew even before, that it was nothing, that he was nothing to her.

 

         Tiffany was not sure with Taeyeon, though, if she noticed. The other girl had stopped asking her anything personal, ever since the last time they were left alone.

         Both of them just...stopped asking.

         And she didn't get to know if it meant that Taeyeon had stopped caring about her too.

         Like what happened -- they had stopped asking.

 

         Taeyeon pursed her lips into a thin line.

 

         Tiffany went on. "My Dad would be furious if he knew I had kept it from him this long. Might ground me still even if we're already in our last year in college."

 

         Her eyes never left Taeyeon's face. She just needed to see every movement, every shift in expression.

 

         "Why...Why are you telling me this now?" Taeyeon asked in a lifeless voice.  

 

         Tiffany's chest tightened.

         She didn't expect that response.

 

         She had expected a 'Why didn't you tell us...me, sooner?'

         Or at least a hint of the same regret or sadness she was feeling, on Taeyeon's, then, calm face.

 

         Reactions like what she was getting were more than disheartening.  She felt like if the couch swallowed her whole, she would be more than grateful.

 

         But even so, she needed to continue.

 

         Let more cats out of the bag... All of them, every furry limb and pink paw.

 

         ...Because they no longer have the chance to be alone, just the two of them. Not anymore.

         And Tiffany wouldn't let go of the chance the night had let her have.

 

         "Can I tell you something crazier?" Tiffany asked back.

 

         Taeyeon looked like she wasn't breathing anymore. There was an unreadable expression on her face. When she finally talked, her voice came out weak. "Sure. Have a go..."

 

         Tiffany felt a stab in her heart at the way Taeyeon sounded, but she needed to go on. "Do you remember the last time we slept over at Soo's?"

 

         "Last year, the night she had her arm cast taken off."

 

         Tiffany nodded slowly.

 

         "What about it?"

 

         Tiffany could feel her remaining energy slowly seep out of her.

 

         "I really wanted to kiss you that night."

 

         Tiffany had finally said it. She just needed to say it.

 

         "You--you wanted to kiss me..."

 

         Taeyeon's shoulders slumped. Her hands clenched on her lap. She frowned, looking like she was--

 

         "Out of what? Out of pity? Curiosity?"

 

         Tiffany let out a shaky breath. "No, Taeyeon. It would never be out of pity..."

 

         She had tried to hold it in, to keep it in. She really tried.

 

         "I was just so happy to be in the same breathing space as you that I felt... like wanting to kiss you."

 

         Tiffany could still remember the longing she tried to find but didn't feel at all from Minwoo, the hurt when Taeyeon had started to show a less welcoming attitude towards her... The ache that hadn't left since.

 

         "That... That is crazy... Yeah, it is."

 

         Tiffany laid the beer bottle down on the floor, as if burdened by its weight.

 

         "Your presence does things to people...to me, Taeyeon." Her words came out in whispers. "Finally realized it, then. It felt like my heart was about to burst out of my chest just by looking at you... Even with a mere brush of skin."

 

         Tiffany wanted to stop. She was getting tired.

         It was getting tiring.

 

         She wished with all the remaining energy in her that it wasn't that silent in the living room. It was so silent that Tiffany was sure Taeyeon could feel how vulnerable she felt, suddenly baring herself. She might even sense how her chest was getting bruised from all the thumping her heart was doing.

 

         And Taeyeon would surely hear Tiffany breaking if she only let herself see her, actually see her again.

 

         "You... You didn't like me that way, Tiffany," Taeyeon whispered, her voice was hoarse. Her eyes stayed fixed on her bedroom door.

 

         Tiffany couldn't decide anymore if she wanted or not wanted Taeyeon to meet her gaze.

         After a few more heartbeats, she chose that it was better if Taeyeon's eyes wouldn't turn her way at all.

 

         But life seemed to have different plans for her.

 

         ...For Taeyeon turned to her with an expression that made her want to take everything back, made her wish that she should have waited until her feelings faded to nothing.

         It seemed as if Taeyeon was hurting, more than how Tiffany was feeling.

 

         "You made it perfectly clear in your answer more than a year ago. Tiffany, you...You told me, upfront, with a straight face that you don't..."

 

         Taeyeon closed her eyes, stopping to breathe in deeply. When she looked up, her gaze went back to the door of her room, where Jessica was tucked in on her bed, probably sleeping soundly.

 

         "You can't dump this on me now." Her voice shook. "You can't be this cruel, Tiffany."

 

         Tiffany kept her tears at bay.

         Her eyes were getting misty, but she wouldn't blink away.

 

         She should be proud of herself, that she could bravely, and stupidly return Taeyeon's feelings even if it was more than a year late.

 

         But at the moment, she simply wanted to selfishly hug Taeyeon to herself, ignore the look of pain and contempt that finally registered on the other's face, force feelings out of her, cry...

 

         ...And never let go.

 

         Tiffany could have said that she didn't want things to change with her confession...

 

         ...But she would be lying.

 

         A sob wanted to make itself known but Tiffany forced it down. She wasn't done yet.

 

         "Blame it on the alcohol, or maybe... maybe I'm really cruel like you've claimed me to be..."

 

         She reached out.

         Her hand went to touch the hem of Taeyeon's sweater, her fingers wound around the fabric.

         She let it stay there. She let her own touch linger.

 

         "But right now... Right now, I wish that you are mine, that you are back to me."

 

         And even as Taeyeon had her eyes fixed on the door of her bedroom, hands clenched on her lap, even as she refused to look at her, Tiffany still wished for that crazy chance to be with her again.

 

         Tiffany's hold on Taeyeon's sweater tightened.

 

         She wouldn't...couldn't let go.

 

         And Tiffany would wait until Taeyeon, herself, pried her hand away, pried herself away from her life...completely.

         Even if it was in the next few minutes, or in the next hour.

         Even if Taeyeon made her wait another year or two, she would wait.

 

         "You loved me first, Taeyeon."

 

         Yes.

         She needed to add that.

 

         "You loved me..."

 

 

 

 

 

 

--- END ---

 

 

 

 

A/N:

This was my entry for SSF's Taeny thread's 1527th page celebration.

If you want to read more Taeny fanfics (and also have an account in SSF), go there (if you have the time), support the Taeny in All Forms fanfic thread. Support the writers and organizers... and the craft too.

I also made a twitter account - thori_treads, do say 'hi' if you have time.

Good day!