Thank you for reading. I wrote this a few nights ago because I had an oral surgery today (Friday) and I didn't know when I'd be able to update. My mouth is currently still numb but I wanted to post it today!  My proofreading is probably horrible because I can't tell left from right at the moment. I hope you will enjoy it all the same! <3 This chapter is so long...

During the middle of spring, usually around the time of day before the sun is fully perpendicular, there is an untold desire to watch butterflies dance among the flowers, and caterpillars cry in defeat. Sometimes, if the stars are align, many shy boys will confess their love for that one pretty girl. The festivals all begin, as if there is an understood yet unsaid celebration concerning the life of the season. There is a certain romance about spring sharply different from that of February air.

Jongin sat in his small kitchen table, patiently sipping the green tea he had grown in his small and secret garden. Outside the window, hummingbirds and bees quickly raced against the pollen, as they collected every ounce of nectar hidden within the petals. A few small butterflies had tapped on his window, and Jongin placed his finger to the dividing glass, as if to greet nature’s beauty. There was one butterfly that stayed a little longer than the others. Its wings stretched surprisingly wide in an unmistakably graceful manner, bragging its glorious colors. Because it stayed, and came back many times, Jongin felt a little attached; he decided to name it.

“Taemin.”

He didn’t know why he named it this, and he didn’t think too hard about it either. Perhaps his subconscious found an analogy so strong it could not be ignored, or perhaps Taemin was the first name to come to his mind. Jongin finished his tea, and set it down in such a way he had seen his father do countless times. Before he left the windowsill to dress himself for school, he shared one last thought. Taemin, my spring butterfly.

~~

The following week, the quivering students of Debate/Speech restlessly rocked in their seats, waiting for their turn to present their project. Jongin and Taemin volunteered to go last, purely for the enjoyment of laughing at the other students whom continuously glanced over in their direction as if they needed some sort of approval. The unsaid fact that Jongin and Taemin’s project would completely conquer cruelly played on the students’ vulnerabilities and insecurities.

At last, they were called to the front. The room hushed in such a way that Jonghyun’s soft smirks were heard loud and clear. Taemin held their research paper, while Jongin displayed their poster. Jongin was about to begin, yet Taemin had already started. “What is global warming? If humans were extinct, what would global warming be? Would there be such a thing? Do you believe us humans,” Jongin laughed to himself due to Taemin’s much more vulgar description of humans when they practiced before, “are capable of directing the earth towards the path of becoming one ginormous fireball?” Jongin interrupted Taemin’s increasing dislike for people, which would have probably ended in an argument completely off topic. “Reality wise, one of the main issues is the carbon dioxide emission from burning ga—““Gasoline and fossil fuel.” Taemin completed Jongin’s sentence almost instinctively.

This type of teamwork discussion continued to the very end. Not only were they precise in their vocal projection, they were well-researched (though Jongin mainly used Taemin’s knowledge as his resource) and intimidatingly well prepared on not only their topic, but any questions regarding any fragment of their project. As they finished, the students hesitated for a moment before clapping rather loudly. This gave most of them a chance to whisper to their friend things such as “they even look like each other” or “they both do that weird puffy thing with their cheeks” or “wait which one is Taemin?”

As they made their way to the back of classroom to seat themselves, Jongin discreetly placed a kiss on the back of Taemin’s neck in praise for being too damn good. Taemin swore paradise was hell compared to his contented heart, and now his entire contented soul.

~~

Another wick of hope inside students nationwide was the thought that summer vacation was only about a month away. There was no greater joy than the feeling of absolute freedom and procrastination that defined the few months of summer. The heat would slowly ambush the scantily dressed teenagers who were pumped for summer, yet always ended up complaining about the sun or sunburns. For Taemin, summer meant air conditioning and discount popsicles, while to Jongin, summer meant opportunity and laughter.

“Guys, this party is gonna be the biggest party of the year.”

Jonghyun stood before a small group of Debate/Speech students, including Taemin and Jongin, enthusiastically waving a stack of invitations in the air. Jonghyun was promoting a graduation party at some rich guy’s house, and was probably paid to attract as many people as possible. Taemin brushed off the thought of going to some vomit stained high school party, yet Jongin seemed thoroughly interested. “Jongin, you’re not seriously considering going, are you?” “If you go.” Taemin made a gagging noise, but Jongin just laughed, his eyes turning into crescents. “I’ll find some way to make you go. You’re not gonna miss out just ‘cause you get a little anxious around people.” Taemin simply stared into Jongin’s gorgeous eyes, and the gorgeous reassurance they promised. How does he pick up on every overlooked detail about me without me saying anything…

The few weeks before the “biggest party of the year”, Jongin constantly pestered Taemin about going, while Taemin pushed him off, sometimes literally. They sometimes stayed afterschool to practice dance in the left tip of the hallway, yet this usually ended with only Jongin dancing, and Taemin falling harder in love as he watched Jongin move. He finally piped up one afternoon. “Do any of these dances have a name?” “Well, they’re all choreographed to songs my friend Kyungsoo writes and sings. The one I’ve been doing recently is called ‘She’s My Lady’….” Jongin continued after seeing Taemin’s expression. “But we can call it ‘He’s My Baby’ if you want.” Taemin blushed harshly and ducked his head to hide his now obvious smile. Jongin glided over, and lifted Taemin’s chin up with his index finger before leaning in to kiss his cheek. He spoke softly into Taemin’s ear. “Please go to the party with me.” Taemin shook his head, yet his smile from the kiss defeated his seriousness. Jongin then placed his lips to Taemin’s and closed his eyes, pulling away eventually with a sensual bite to Taemin’s lower lip. “Please go to the party with me.” Taemin, now a little light headed, still continued to shake his head. Jongin again, placed his lips to Taemin’s, except with slight more rush and urgency. His hands rested on Taemin’s waist, while his fingers crept underneath Taemin’s shirt. He slid his hands up Taemin’s , pulling their bodies together. Taemin gasped and pulled away, panting slightly. “Okay, okay, I’ll go with you.” Jongin pulled away, and Taemin supported himself against the wall, Jongin obviously knowing he would drain the blood from Taemin’s head. “You’re so manipulative.” “Sorry, Taeminie… Kissing you is my favorite thing to do. Don’t pretend like you didn’t like it.” Taemin smiled to himself; he had lost his first argument against Jongin.

~~

The night of the graduation party, the moon had risen a little too soon. Taemin sat by the window, admiring the vast expansion of stars which shined a little brighter than usual. Jongin had insisted he take Taemin to the party, and seemed highly confident in finding Taemin’s house once he received directions. Waiting for Jongin was almost torture, and Taemin readied himself strikingly too early. He sat in his dining room and stared, hoped, and fantasized out the window towards the endless sky. Every now and then, Taemin fixed his unmoving hair in his reflection, a little too particulate and a little too unfamiliar with social events; especially with the addition of the person his world revolved around.

The moment Taemin looked away to check the time, headlights illuminated the room. Taemin’s heart almost dropped, yet he inhaled and exhaled deeply to relax the roaming butterflies. He rose with unsteady knees, and yelled goodbye to his mother. “Taemin waiitt! Give me a proper goodbye hug.” Normally, Taemin wouldn’t mind this at all and would usually encourage any form of love to fill the loneliness within his mother’s heart, yet he saw a pair of legs walk up to his doorway. Stay in the car!!! Taemin was interrupted by the echoing ring of the doorbell. He quickly pulled away from his mother and put a finger to his lips, signaling her not to say anything embarrassing.

The door opened, revealing a very handsome and stoic boy. His expression lightened once he saw the woman standing a few feet behind Taemin. He quickly transformed his composure and bowed deeply, smiling freely as he did so. “Good evening, Mrs. Lee.” She smiled warmly, and stepped passed Taemin to embrace Jongin in a warm, tight, yet short hug. Jongin was slightly surprised yet he smiled all the same and welcomed all the love she had to offer. There was something significant about the hug, as it lasted for just the right amount of time, with just the right amount of love, as if she could sense a familiar loneliness inside Jongin that also lodged deep in her wise heart. She pulled away, patted Jongin’s shoulders, and told him to bring Taemin back alive. Jongin laughed. “I’ll bring him back better then alive.”

As soon as the door closed behind them, Taemin buried his head inside Jongin’s chest, while Jongin wrapped his arm tightly around Taemin’s shoulder. The air was strangely crips and chilly, which was unusual for a late spring evening. As they walked in this embrace towards the car, Jongin asked if Taemin’s mom knew he was gay. “She knew before I did.” “Does she know we’re together?” “I don’t know. She can probably connect the dots.” As Taemin finished his sentence, Jongin looked back over his shoulder towards the light of the dining room window. Taemin’s mother stood by the window, and locked eyes with Jongin. They spoke to each other through their eyes, as if they both understood a certain agreement, or a certain harmony. Her squinted eyes exuded warmth and a desperate cry, and Jongin knew he had to treat Taemin with all the love he was deprived of. Jongin smiled and nodded towards the window, before he turned back around and nuzzled his nose into Taemin’s cheek.

The ride was short, which didn’t give Taemin much time to dwell on his already sweating palms or how hot Jongin looked as he drove with high precision and speed. Though their conversation was limited, there were no silences, and no forced words; every second was relaxed. The passing streetlights lit up Jongin’s profile every few seconds, which enhanced the complexion of his lips and the silhouette of his eyes. The longer he stared, the more he remembered how lucky he was to finally have his feelings returned, by a god no less.

As they finally reached the house, Taemin understood why it would be “the biggest part of the year.” The house was extensively massive and gaudy, overflowing with drunken teenagers and booming sounds. Jongin glanced at Taemin’s reaction, and spoke reassuringly. “Don’t back out now. It might not be as bad as it looks,” he paused for a moment, “and if it really is that bad then we can drive you home. I’m just glad you got the courage to agree.” He smiled and patted Taemin’s knee as though there wasn’t a sliver of worry in the world, and Taemin actually believed him for a moment.

They stepped inside, Taemin clinging to Jongin’s shirt as though he would get lost at any moment. Almost instantly, they were greeted by a familiar voice. “Hey! Taeminie! Jongin! You guys actually came ahh I’m so happy I could scream.” Jonghyun’s face was a little red, as though he had been jumping off the walls from god knows what. Kibum stood behind him with his arms crossed, seemingly dozing off into his own world. Jongin opened his mouth to respond, yet his eyes were caught by two boys across the room. Sehun and Luhan were huddled in the corner, yet Luhan held a tissue to his eyes, tears streaming continuously, but a smile plastered across his face nonetheless. Jongin turned to Taemin and put his hand to his arm urgently. “I’m gonna go see them, okay? I’ll be right back, I promise. Stay with Kibum.” With that, he let his hand brush off Taemin’s arm and began jogging over to Luhan’s aid.

Taemin tried to focus in on what was going on, yet Kibum interrupted his thoughts. “Taemin, why are you here? You hate parties just as much as I do. I only came for the free food so what’s your excuse?” All Taemin had to say was “Jongin” and Kibum understood instantly, a little too well. “Hey can you send me your math notes, I was absent the other day.” “Yeah, yeah…” Taemin brushed him off, not because he found Kibum obnoxious, but because the crying doe was much more curious. Taemin watched as Luhan wrapped his arms around Jongin the moment Jongin was in sight. He began to cry into Jongin’s shoulder, and Jongin patted his back with long and meaningful . Sehun’s eyes too, were glazed with a layer of sorrow. Taemin was surprised they were able to communicate over the immensely loud noise, yet his curiosity for just what was so unfortunate was much more overpowering.

After around twenty minutes of watching and chitchatting with Kibum, Taemin decided to get a drink of water and maybe actually try to enjoy himself. He invited Kibum, yet he had a feeling Kibum would’ve joined him anyway, invited or not. He stumbled into the kitchen, and ran a red plastic cup under the faucet to gulp down the lump in his throat. He was offered alcohol many times, yet he turned them down politely. As he was finishing the last drop of water, a brown haired boy seemed to recognize him. “Hey, aren’t you from Speech class?” Taemin nodded, and the boy continued with a little more enthusiasm. “Wow, you’re Taemin right? Didn’t you and that guy…? What was his name? Kim… something? Anyway, didn’t you both win us second place in that Model UN Tournament?” Taemin nodded again, and the boy almost jumped out of his skin. “Do you and your friend wanna come play beer pong with us?” Taemin opened his mouth to reject, yet Kibum accepted and pinched Taemin’s back as if to say “just do this one thing, and stop being so lazy and anti-social.”

The dimly lit room where a handful of people were playing “beer pong” screamed “bad idea”, and Taemin wondered how it could possibly be fun to throw something into a cup filled with alcohol. He was, however, gravely mistaken. At least forty-five minutes had passed, and Taemin grew into more of a laughing and competitive mess (still firmly sober) as each minute began. After he had won his fifth game, he remembered Jongin said he would return shortly. He immediately dropped everything, and sprinted out of the room, leaving his team and Kibum spitting questions as he ran out of the room. He checked the corner where Luhan and Sehun had sat, and only Sehun remained. He began to grow nervous, yet his name was called by a silky, low, and beautiful voice behind him. He turned around, only to be greeted by Jongin’s body onto his, hugging Taemin’s waist tightly as though Taemin would slip away at any moment. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you for about thirty minutes or so.” “I’m so sorry… I was playing this ping pong game and I guess I just got—“ He was interrupted by Jongin’s finger to Taemin’s lips, and a relieved smile across his face. “As long as you were having fun.”

The sincerity and pureness of Jongin’s soul leaked out this way every now and then, though being able to control every ounce of the overflowing sublimity would be impossible; even for Jongin. Taemin had never felt so cherished by anyone, and he had never cherished anyone so much. As they stared at each other for quite some time, unaffected by the beautiful silence between them, Jonghyun’s loud voice boomed from the top floor.

“Hey you two lovebirds. Get up here and play truth or dare with us NOW.” And so, they did.

Twenty or so kids sat in a very lopsided circle, talking and laughing amongst themselves as they awaited more players. Some of them made comments such as, “Why are we playing this. What are we, five years old?” and some of them replied with, “Shutup and play unless you have a better idea.” As soon as Taemin and Jongin were seated, they began. They went in order of the circle, ordering stupid dares such as ing their friend, or stripping. Taemin was reminded that this definitely was not his crowd, and Jongin didn’t seem too excited either, yet they stayed for the sake of their teenage careers. Finally, it was Taemin’s turn to be asked. “Taemin, truth or dare?” “Truth.” Since Taemin had been the first one to say truth so far, they stopped and thought of a good question. “Okay, who was your first kiss? Like, real kiss.” Taemin’s little heart froze, along with his throat and his voice. They were asking for the truth however, and frankly, Taemin really didn’t care who knew. He was, in fact, extremely proud of who had taken his lips. “K-Kim Jongin.”

Every single kid, except Jongin and Jonghyun, cracked into laughter, and asked again who his first kiss was as though Taemin was joking. “My first kiss was with Kim Jongin.” Their laughter died down, and they decided Taemin just didn’t want to reveal his first so they continued with the game. After about ten extremely long seconds, Taemin turned his head towards Jongin’s gaze. He was wide eyed, though a crooked smile completed his incredulous awe. He whispered so only Taemin would hear. “I had… no idea I was your first. I definitely couldn’t tell, if that makes you feel good.” If Taemin’s eyes had not failed him, he could’ve sworn he noticed a pinker shade engulf Jongin’s color, to the point where Jongin stared at the ground and quietly giggled to himself. , he’s perfect.

Truth or dare slowly transformed into “spin the bottle.”Jongin and Taemin were about to leave since neither of them had the desire to kiss another, yet Jonghyun forced them to stay with daggered eyes and a frightening tone. Jonghyun went first, and watching the empty wine bottle spin was practically whispering anticipation. This was one of those times where one would only assume these things to only happen to other people, yet unfortunately, Jongin and Taemin were the other people to other people. The bottle stopped, directed at Jongin. NO. There was absolutely no way Taemin was going to watch his best friend touch lips with his boyfriend. And yet, Jonghyun was already leaning across Taemin to peck Jongin’s lips. Taemin reacted on instinct, and placed his head between the two, successfully stopping their kiss, yet kissing Jonghyun instead. The rest of the kids writhed around in laughter, while Taemin and Jonghyun both considered vomiting. Jongin had to put his palm to his mouth to conceal his silent laughter, yet his laughter was for a completely different reason than the ones around him. Taemin was about to leave, yet since the bottle landed on Jongin, it was now his turn to spin. Jongin spun the wine bottle rather fast, and Taemin would not tolerate anymore. He stopped the bottle with his foot just as it was passing his direction. He let out a “whoops” before grabbing a fist of Jongin’s shirt, pulling him down and into Taemin’s heartfelt mouth.

Hollers and yelps filled the room, as Taemin continued to wrap his arms around Jongin’s neck, while Jongin tucked his hands into Taemin’s waist. Neither released the other for a moment of breath, and the lip locking only deepened with time. It was only when Jonghyun pulled Taemin off did they pull apart.

Minutes later, Jongin and Taemin stood up and left without a word to anybody, though nobody noticed since they were too enhanced with the game. Jongin took Taemin’s hand and began dragging him towards a flight of stairs.  “I saw people on the roof earlier, so there’s gotta be a window or something upstairs.” Sure enough on the top floor, a window opened up to a flat and broad surface, which was unmistakably the roof. As they stepped outside into the chilly air and shut the window behind them, the noise muted, and they both let out a huge breath neither knew they were holding. They were quiet for a few minutes, and Taemin was the one to speak first. “I’m sorry for… what just… happened.” Jongin elbowed him in the ribs and spoke calmly. “I’m glad you did. I’m the one who should be apologizing. I shouldn’t have dragged you out here against your will.” Taemin froze, and his breath lingered in the air for a moment before joining the wind. “Jongin, you didn’t drag me anywhere. I wanted to go with you… I want to go anywhere with you. And I’m glad I did, really.”

They were sitting on the slope of the roof, legs dangled down and eyes fixed on the glowing moon before them. The moon that had remained constant through each day they had been together, unchanging, and watchful. They were above all the commotion and useless noise below them, literally and metaphorically. The cool breeze blissfully blew through the strands of their hair, calming their souls and calming the unnecessary words building in their mouths. Taemin finally opened his mouth, and spoke quietly. “What was wrong with Luhan?” “..Well, he’s a senior, so he’s leaving this month. Sehun and him are really close, so it’s difficult for them. I never really get to see Luhan anyway since our classes are completely different and he’s always busy with applications. I guess part of the reason I wanted to come was to make sure Luhan would be okay. I think he will be though; I know he will be.” The trees around them blew in the wind and the leaves brushed against another, creating a peaceful atmosphere that seemed to fit perfectly with Jongin’s words.

He continued as though he never stopped talking. “This got me thinking, that next year I’ll be the one saying goodbye.”

“Stop—“

 “There’s a really good dancing school I’ve dreamt about going to since I was a child, but it’s in Hong Kong.”

Every ounce of Taemin’s heart was weighed down, sinking under the ocean of inescapable words. Without a second further dwelling, Taemin shoved the thought out of mind. For his own sanity, and for his own poor emotions which were now pounding through his veins and clouding his mind. Jongin did not stop there. He intentionally and drastically changed the subject so their night would not end in tears.

“I was also thinking, Taemin, that I want to… do it with you… before that time comes.”

What.

What.

Taemin was quiet for a few moments, yet not because he didn’t know what to say, but because he had too many things to say. The time and place mixed with the teenage lust that swarmed around them, and halted Taemin’s words and his comprehension. He had dreamt of Jongin asking exactly that, and he almost laughed to himself at the overwhelming irony. His answer however, once he finally stumbled over his words, was unlike the fantasy he had imagined.

“No, no. Absolutely not! No. No way. Diseases… no. Are you trying to kill me? I can’t even look at you without passing out. No. I’ll mess up… do you know how many people die a year from—“

“I’m clean, are you?”

Taemin realized he was making up excuses along his thread of thoughts, though he did have plausible reasons (to him anyway). All nervousness aside, the thought of Jongin and him “doing it” pushed away all other thoughts, as though he wanted nothing more. He felt his body turn a few degrees warmer, and suddenly the crisp night didn’t seem so chilly anymore. The thought of Jongin graduating did not coincide with the thought of Jongin in a ual way, and Taemin’s hormones were just about at breaking point.

“Jongin… Shouldn’t you only do that with someone you truly love?”

Jongin’s eyes reflected the blossoming moonlight, guiding their vision and illuminating the beauty around them.

“Exactly.”

“Wha—“

“I think… I… I love you, Taemin.”

Without any warning, Taemin’s eyes welled instantly and streamed out the ocean of endless passion that grew in Taemin’s heart daily. If he had a little more time to process Jongin’s words, his sobbing might have been a little more enthusiastic; if possible. He buried his face in his raised knees, and decided life was being too beautiful in the most cruel way. It was a miracle Jongin was able to understand Taemin’s conversation with his knee caps, interrupted by a sniffled nose and tears. “Jongin… I… You’re just so full of surprises… Can’t it wait until I’m a little more… .”

Jongin chuckled, moved as close to Taemin as possible, and interlocked their fingers along with their hearts. His hands were warm, and they heated Taemin’s cold fingertips; yet it would be fairer to say they heated Taemin’s loneliness.

“Jongin, do you think I’m pathetic for crying all the time?”

Jongin answered as though he had never been surer of anything in his life.

“No. I read somewhere that crying means you’re not weak, that crying means you’re softhearted. Crying means you’re not afraid to defend what’s sincerely right. Crying means you’re strong, and it means you’re extremely caring with a little more empathy than anybody else. It means you feel things in such a way no other can imagine. What crying does not mean, is that you’re anything less than already way mentally ahead than any other kid in this house; in this city; in this world.”

Taemin buried his face into Jongin’s shoulder, and squeezed their hands together a little tighter. He had never felt anything so light and so pure. “Jongin, why are you so amazing? Why are you so perfect to me?” Jongin replied as though he was entranced with thought and lust as he continued to stare into the starry, milky sky. “Because you’re the butterfly to my black and white world.”

There was nothing Taemin could say, nothing he could do that would express his screaming heart that leaked through his eyes. There was nothing he could do that would express how beautiful Jongin made him feel, how simply happy he was, how much Jongin meant to him. Instead of reciting a billion page poem of love, Taemin buried his face further inside Jongin’s shoulder and kissed his arm lightly without Jongin noticing. They remained this way for about ten minutes, with only Taemin’s faint whimpers along with the wind to fill the silence of the night. He finally felt Jongin smile.

“Was I really your first kiss?”

Taemin was able to laugh despite his tear stained cheeks.

~~

The ride back was, as Taemin would later note in his journal, the most unified and harmonious car ride he had ever experienced. Jongin and Taemin spoke love, they breathed love, and the passing streetlights allowed their yellow light to illuminate love.

Taemin’s door step unmistakably held the same, warm aura that Jongin remembered from earlier that night. Only now, he was able to demonstrate it through a large, tight, loving hug with Taemin. “Thank you for everything, Jongin.” They whispered closely to the other’s ear as if some way it would hold more meaning. “It’s my pleasure, Taeminie.” “Oh, and…,” Taemin rose himself with his toes to reach Jongin’s cheek, as he kissed it lightly, “I love you too.”