It took me a second to understand what he said.  Yes.  Yes?  Yes, he has a girlfriend waiting for him back in his hometown?  Yes, he has a girlfriend waiting for him!?

                Nothing happened between us or anything, but now I felt like…strange for crying all over his uniform last night.  All night.  And I just spent the past half hour massaging him and being massaged by him.  My skin tingled.  I made someone else’s boyfriend moan.  Granted it wasn’t ual, but still.  I felt like I should go shower or something.

                “This is…awkward,” I mentioned with a forced laugh after my brain finished playing all sorts of crazy thoughts.

                He laughed and I realized his fingers had resumed gliding through my hair.  Casually, nonchalantly, shakily, I gathered my hair together and pushed it off my back and over my shoulder.  His hand slid down my back until he dropped it next to him.

                “It’s not what it sounds like,” he began, studying me curiously.

                “You don’t owe me any explanations,” I assured him as I stumbled to stand up.  He stood up as well.  “I-I should go shower and stuff.”  I began backing away from him toward the door.  “Thank you for staying with me last night.  You should go, get some rest before you have to come back on duty.”

                And then I turned and bolted from the classroom.

                I didn’t see Seung Ri the next day.  People were getting restless, being cooped up this school day in and day out.  Some of the classrooms had TVs and even though we were all scared and confused, deep down, none of us wanted to hear the true, gory details of what was going on in the outside world.  The computer lab on the first floor was opened for us to use in case some of us wanted to email home.  I decided to take the opportunity to grab an empty computer and email Lisa and Heather.

                Even though I didn’t see him, I couldn’t get him out of my head.  I was in a fog.  I just lay in bed, letting him run through my mind.  I must be nuts.  I didn’t understand how someone could get imbedded in my brain so quickly.

                Sometime in the middle of the night, lying sleeplessly on my cot, was when I realized I’d left my panda in that classroom the other night.  I slipped out of the classroom and hurried up the stairs.  That’s how preoccupied my brain was.  Stupid girl, I told myself.

                My heart sank when I sped into the classroom and into the corner where I cried my face off to Seung Ri.  My panda wasn’t there.  “Who would take a raggedy 20 year old panda?” I grumbled to myself as I left the classroom after making another six or seven rounds, searching for the little stuffed animal.

                I laid back down on my cot, tears stinging my eyes.  I’m an adult, I told myself.  I’ve got bigger problems right now in this bizarrely war torn country than losing some dumb stuffed toy.

                Didn’t help.  A tear slipped down my cheek.  I had that damn thing since I was born.

                Movement in the doorway of the classroom caught my eye, I looked up expecting to see one of the Americans living here coming back from the bathroom to go to their cot, but in the dim light of the room, I saw him.

                It was Seung Ri.  I sat upright and bolted out of bed.  I slipped through the maze of cots, silent so as not to wake up the others.  He moved farther into the hallway away from the classroom doorway.  I snatched my panda out of his hand and hugged it to my chest.

                “You found him!” I whispered excitedly.  “I could kiss you!”

                I did not just say that.

                He laughed quietly.  I followed him to the stairwell and sat next to him on the third step.  Making sure to leave enough room between us.

                “You left in such a hurry last time, you forgot him,” he informed in a whisper.

                “Thank you.”

                I caught him watching me in the dark with a smile.  “So after I explain what you wouldn’t let me explain before, will you tell me why this sad, balding panda is so important to you?” he asked.

                I giggled and covered the spot on the panda’s left rear leg that was missing fur.  “You really don’t owe me any explanations,” I told him, eyes on the floor.

                The silence he allowed to settle between us let me hear the explosions still occurring in some distant village.  I couldn’t help but wonder about the families in the villages begin attacked.  The purr of gunfire followed a particularly harsh sounding explosion.

                “Yeon Soo, I grew up with her,” he began.  “Our parents have been friends for years.  I suppose it only made sense that we’d end up together.”

                I expected to see some sort of excitement or romance in his eyes when he talked about this girlfriend of his.  But I saw nothing.  He could barely even look at me.  His eyes were empty.

                He almost looked ashamed.

                “How long have you been with her?  As her boyfriend?” I wondered, tracing little designs on my jeans over my knee.

                Even though the hallway was nearly pitch black, I could tell that he was blushing.

                He opened his mouth to answer, but two soldiers, one American and one Korean, passed by.  They were headed toward the far end of the school, I assumed.  They were probably going to the back stairway to go downstairs for their post.  There were always at least two soldiers at every exit, 24 hours a day.

                Seung Ri stood and bowed respectfully earning a bow of their heads in return from the higher ranking soldiers as they passed by.

                “We’ve been together since we were 14, I guess,” he said after he sat back down.

                “Don’t you like her?” I asked curiously.

                He smiled lightly, remaining forward facing, eyes on his black boots.  His hands were flattened under his thighs.  “Sure, I like her.”  I stayed silent and continued to watch him, knowing there was more to that.  “I just…”

                I leaned a little closer to him and peered at him, exaggeratedly, in the dark.  He laughed and bumped his shoulder against mine.

                “The son of my father’s boss got married last year,” he said, glancing up at me.  Odd change of subject, I thought, but listened carefully.  “I took Yeon Soo to the wedding as my date, of course.  I watched the bride and groom all night.  I couldn’t take my eyes off them.  She wasn’t even that pretty and I never liked him,” he paused to laugh at the memory.  “But, together, they were so in love.  I could feel it just by looking at them.  The way she looked at him and the way he’d talk to her or touch her.  Casually, like he didn’t even know he was doing it.  Like his hand was just drawn to her cheek or to her hand.”  He stretched his arm out and inspected his own empty hand.  With a sigh, he let his arm fall to his side.  “Sure I liked Yeon Soo.  She’s pretty and she’s very sweet, but when I look at her, I don’t feel what I saw in that couple.  My heart doesn’t beat faster when I see her.  I don’t ache for her to be in my arms.”  He shrugged and looked at me finally.  “It’s lame, isn’t it?  To wish for such pathetic things?”

                “I hear people say that love makes you do stupid things,” I replied in a hushed tone.  “I think wishing for love makes you think stupid things.”  He scoffed and nodded his head.  “I don’t think it’s lame at all.  Everyone wants to be in love.”

                His eyes came back up to meet mine for one burning second.  “Do you?”

                “Of course.”  I could feel my throat closing.

                He sat up straighter and, elbows on his knees, he rested his chin in his hands.  “Were you ever in love before?”

                “No,” I answered automatically.

                His forehead crinkled.  “I don’t believe you.”

                My eyes widened.  I reached out and playfully shoved one elbow off his leg, causing his head to dip before he could right himself.  “Why not?”

                He shrugged.  “I don’t know.  I just thought…” he laughed uncomfortably.  “I don’t know.”  He poked the stuffed panda still cradled in my arms.  “I told you about Yeon Soo.  You owe me an explanation about him.”

                I giggled quietly and curled the panda away from him.  “I’ve had him since I was a baby.  His name is Bamboo.”

                “Ah,” he sounded with a nod and took one stuffed paw in his hand and shook it.  “Nice to meet you, Bamboo.”

                I giggled.  I looked back at the panda, as I patted his head.  “My parents gave him to me one year for Christmas.”  I sat the little stuffed animal on Seung Ri’s knee.  He leaned back and held him between his hands.  “I feel bad now that I don’t feel bad enough.  We are a family and I have no feelings toward them whatsoever,” I continued in a murmur as I watched Seung Ri absentmindedly poke the panda’s nose.  His eyes fixed on me.  “I bet they don’t even think about me now, but they gave me Bamboo, which means at one time, they did care that I was their daughter.”

                I met Seung Ri’s eyes.  I felt my cheeks burn as blood filled them.  His eyes were sympathetic, caring.  I couldn’t stand it.  I looked away.  He placed Bamboo back on my leg.  “Ah, yes, and you have ever reason to feel that way,” he said in a professional tone.  I arched an eyebrow at him.  “He said he’s very angry with you for abandoning him in that dark, lonely classroom.”  I giggled.

                We were still laughing when a Korean soldier jogged up to us.  The smile on Seung Ri’s face melted off him as he bolted to his feet.  Standing at attention.  The soldier, never once acknowledging my presence, barked an order at Seung Ri.

                Seung Ri nodded and bowed stiffly.  The soldier turned and began walking briskly away.  Seung Ri turned back to me and smiled brightly even in the dark.  “My post is waiting.”

                I nodded.

                “I’ll see you later.”

                I nodded again.

                “I was talking to Bamboo, actually.”  I giggled as he sped off to catch up with his superior.  I placed my hand over my chest.

                Stupidly believing that would help slow my racing heart.