OO3:GUILT & REGRET

He fluttered his eyes open as the darkness of his room welcomed him. He stared at the ceiling blinking several times adjusting his eyes to the darkness before he pushed himself to sit down. He glanced at his clock on his bedside table. It says 4:59 am. He stared at it barely blinking as he waited for the numbers to shift. And as soon as the number shifted its beeping sounds filled the whole room. He pressed the button stopping its annoying beeps. He stared blankly in the air before blinking several times perhaps out of disbelief, on how it felt so strange to him.

Last two days and he will see her again, he thought. He pushed himself on the edge of his bed, both feet landing on his carpeted floor. He stared at his wall and the photo’s plastered on it together with some sticky notes. He bit his lips tightly shutting his eyes as his arms leaned on his thighs with his hands clutching his disheveled hair.

‘,’ he hissed eyes still shut tightly, breathing becoming faster as his heart was seemingly on a wild rampage inside his chest early in the ing morning. He inhaled deeply trying to calm himself only to fail. He wanted to laugh hard on how he didn’t let out a sigh of exhaustion or said his routinely complain on how he ing wished that he just didn’t wake up. He wanted to laugh hard on the fact that he counted down the days in which he’ll see her like a young boy excited for Christmas. He ingly counted down the days in which he will see her again instead of doing his usual crap.

He wanted to laugh hard on what was happening to him or why he was being like this but damn! He couldn’t. He couldn’t laugh at it. He wished he could but !

He snapped his eyes open running his fingers on his hair as he stood up walking his way to his bathroom half only wearing his thin white pajama. He sighed before grabbing the door knob. It was not a sigh of exhaustion like he had always been sighing in his entire life. It was a sigh that he hope will take away his thoughts of her, every bit of her. The thoughts of his beautiful stranger who was doing a good job on flipping him upside down. Dara.

After getting ready he went down stairs and walked his way to the kitchen pacing his way to his fridge grabbing the box of milk and two eggs after placing his things on the top of the wooden table. He drank straight from the milk carton as he wiped his lips placing it down on the sink. He started toasting some bread with butter as he fried the eggs.

His lips pressed on a thin line. He hated how he even wondered on how she likes her breakfast. For Pete’s ing sake! Why can’t he stop thinking of her like the whole world was only all about her when it clearly isn’t? Like she was some sort of book of law that he ought to memorize and know? Why does he can’t just let go of those floating thoughts about her? Goddammit!

No matter how his brain deny it his every inch was throbbing with so much want to see her again. Oh that .

He let go another sigh this time for the burnt eggs and toasts. He shook his head lightly trying to regain back his focus as he dumped his wasted breakfast on the bin. He then placed his ray ban shades on pulling the hanging long sleeves polo on the back of the chair as he slid it to his arm, letting it open. He grabbed his things as he paced out of his house deciding he’ll just drop on seven eleven before he’ll burn his ing house the ing down.

He gently closed the door behind him locking it and somehow relieved washed him seeing no damn annoying sight of Im Seulong or any goddamn his father sent to get him back to his chains. His eyes roamed on his beautifully landscaped garden as the morning breeze caressed his skin making his hair dance with it. He pressed his lips on a thin line. ‘Thanks for all of this, hyung,’ he silently said walking his way on his rover after tossing his things on the back seat. Somehow he was grateful that he was able to built this house and buy all the things and saved money before he had disown his self from his picture ing perfect family. He settled himself at the driver’s seat bringing his car to life.

Maybe he was really working for all of this. Maybe he was really saving his money and buying all those things for this. He doesn’t know but thinking of it right now, maybe he really was.

He drove his way to seven eleven pulling in as he stepped out of his ride to buy himself some hot cup of hot mocha latte, hotdog sandwich, two cans of energy drink which he’ll need later and a pack of stick gums. Stick gums that he will greatly need since he was trying to quit smoking for almost a week now. And he was surprised that he was good at it. He used to think that he’ll die once he stopped taking in nicotine but then there he was sitting in his car eating hotdog sandwich, sipping hot latte which he called breakfast. He was still breathing without cigarettes and he was breathing better. Although there were these moments in which he was dying to stick a cigarette between his lips especially if he was in a bullcrap situation.

Upon finishing his breakfast he continued driving his way to school sticking a gum in his mouth. He had always wondered why he always endure 2 damn hours of driving just to get in their university when he could have availed an apartment near their university. Guess he doesn’t want to leave his own space. His lips pressed on a tight line. That house has been the last reminder of him. Everything in that house was him.

Him who once dreamed to be a famous architect. Him who always had the talent for it. Him who was disowned for failing the admission on a business school for an architecture school. Him who had suffered terribly from the insults and judgment coming from his own family. Him who died not seeing his dreams come true. Him who died with no one on his side, him who had endured everything.

Him who he had always looked up to and love. Him who had always been his childhood hero, biggest idol and the world’s greatest brother.

He felt his hold of the stirring wheel tightened as his chest painfully constricted. He quickly pulled on the side as his vision was blurred by tears, his breathing became heavy. He was shaking terribly and he knew he could not drive anymore. He can’t allow himself to be reckless. The warm trails of his tears streaming down in his cheeks drowns his chest with damn pain.

‘!!’ he shouted as he slammed his hands hard on the stirring wheel. Why can’t he just drive and let himself get in an accident and die for the ing sake! That’s what he wanted after all right? He didn’t want to rest or anything, he didn’t want to sleep or what! He wanted to die! He wanted to ing die! But why can’t he bring himself to it to save all this goddamn regret and guilt!

How long has it been since he was desperately avoiding the memories of him? How long has it been since he stopped talking about Dongwook like he never existed? He doesn’t know. He lost count. He doesn’t want to count it. He doesn’t want to count the days since he died alone while he was studying abroad for his father’s damn appreciation and ing desires.

If only he knew. If only he could turn back time. If only he was here to witness the beauty of his design comes to life as his house and that he had built a name in photography. Damn if onlys. ing regrets.

‘We don’t have to give up our own dreams to be appreciated. I could be an architect and you could be the best photographer. I’ll appreciate you and you’ll appreciate me! That’s enough for me Seunghyun.’

He leaned on his chair running his palm over his face wiping his tears away, fixing his self. He let out a blow of breath as he bit his lips suppressing his tears from falling once more. He let out a bitter chuckle. It was his first time crying for him since he died three years ago. It was his first time entertaining the screaming regret and the bawling guilt just when he thought that he could live the rest of his life ignoring it.

He gritted his teeth as he ransack his car for a cigarette yet he couldn’t find any. ‘,’ he muttered under his breath as he continued driving.

He arrived in his university and even after attending two classes he can’t still get out from the heavy feeling he was carrying. It was choking him. The bell ringed as he quickly pushed himself to stand up walking his way out of the room ignoring Youngbae’s calls of him. He was walking or more storming out as he wanted to just be in a peaceful place. He raked his hair he can’t believe that pulling himself together was a lot of work to do. Fixing himself was pretty handful and a headache. Damn.

He was walking his way to his usual place when everything turned into a big bull. The fire exit of the oldest building in their university that was scheduled to be demolished. He wanted to laugh, that building has been scheduled for demolition even before he enrolled there but then it was still there, being used and whatnots.

He stopped walking when he noticed a sniggering crowd blocking his way. He rolled his eyes as he changed his route and avoided the crowd. He glanced at what they were looking at. It was a mascot. A mascot of a yellow duck handing out flyers. He stopped from walking staring at the mascot and at the flyers he was giving out. Great now he remembered her again.

He sighed placing one of his hands over his pocket while the other was gripping on the strap of his bag. But then thinking of her was better than regretting and feeling guilty over something you could no longer change but only accept. He can’t believe that a mere thought of her could make him feel better. Somehow he wished he could see her even a small glimpse. He then turned and started walking away.

‘Seunghyun!!’ he heard someone called him using a hallow voice. He didn’t even bother turning around to look who it was. He was a school heartthrob. Everyone fell for his charms; there were tons of girls calling his name every day. It annoys him so much but he can’t do a thing but to ignore them. Good thing they never try crossing lines with him or else he was more than willing to kick their asses. He was not really patient. No exceptions whether you’re a guy or a girl especially if he was having his usual damn mood swings.

‘Seunghyun!!’ he heard another call. He rolled his eyes and kept walking until his wrist was grabbed by someone. He turned around only to be welcome by the huge yellow mascot that almost caught him off guard. He pulled his wrist away from his hold but the mascot held it tightly as he can hear hallow giggles from him. He pulled his arm once more only to make them tumble on the ground. Everyone was staring at them as Seunghyun’s back was lying in the ground while the mascot was above him lying on top of him, its head was removed.

‘Seunghyun!’ she smiled at him as Seunghyun stared at her not blinking and not even breathing. He can feel his heart hammering damn painful and loud against his chest. He blinked as she was still smiling brightly at her. He unconsciously placed his hand behind her hand running his fingers on her hair. She giggled as she pushed herself up only to lose balance and fell lying next to him thanks to her huge costume. She laughed as Seunghyun sat down in worry checking her as she was still laughing.

The crowd was gathering around them some were gasping out in disbelief seeing who was behind the costume. Dara tried sitting up only to fail. Seunghyun stood up not caring how dirty he got as he grabbed her arms pulling her to stand up. ‘I didn’t know you study here,’ she smiled at him. Seunghyun stared at her letting her words sank unknowingly into his silence. He stared at her. She was covered in dust and even her face was dirty.

Seunghyun lifted his arm and wiped the dirt off her face as he started dusting her which made Dara stood there staring at him in both disbelief and amusement. Seunghyun walked his way and grabbed the head of the mascot. He looked at Dara as their eyes were locked on each other. ‘You’re sweet,’ she smiled at him as he felt his breath was pulled out of his system by her words.

He cleared his throat. He then grabbed her wrist as he pulled her with him away from the crowd that kept on getting big in seconds. He can hear their surprised gasped and the slowly loudening whisperings. Mind your own ing business! He gritted. Dara blinked at him as he kept dragging her with her following him since she doesn’t have an option. They soon reached a spot below a shade of a huge tree. Seunghyun placed his bag on the bench under the tree together with the mascot head. Somehow he was thankful he left his camera on the locker but then even if he didn’t, he doesn’t care at all anyway.

‘Why are you here?’ he asked as he stared at Dara trying to reach for the zipper of the mascot. Seunghyun walked his way to her and gently pulled down the zipper with Dara stepping out of it. She grabbed it on her arms as she placed it on the bench. Seunghyun stared at her every movement from the moment she was carrying the mascot in her arms and looked like a child struggling with it.

She fixed herself. She was wearing shorts that was half inch above her knees, a loose v neck shirt and a doll shoes. She was sweating; her forehead has beads of sweat in it. She looked drench in sweat and haggard yet he could say her beauty still shines. Dara pushed her hand inside her pocket pulling out a light yellow handkerchief as she walked her way to him. She started wiping his face. He was so tall for her that she even needed to tip toe in order to reach him. She laughed at it. ‘You’re so tall,’ she giggled as Seunghyun quickly snapped from his thoughts. He then bent down for her to reach him. She wiped her handkerchief gently on his cheeks as his eyes remained staring deeply at her.

Their eyes met as they were consumed by silence. Dara unknowingly reached her hand caressing his face eyes not leaving his. A smile curved on her pinkish lips. ‘Your eyes…’ she trailed off in a whisper. Her breathed reached his nose. God! She smelled mixture of mint and strawberry putting his heart into a halt. She smelled damn sweet and tempting. And that’s when he noticed how close their faces were, how their nose will soon touch and how it was just on move and he could feel her lips on his. It was a sweet torture.

‘They’re beautiful…’ Dara added as she ran her forefinger on the contour of his face. ‘Very beautiful,’ she smiled. How can she make his heart flutter so much that until it was threatening to explode. How can her touch left burning trails on his skin, trails that were throbbing. Trails that were perpetual. How can she make him feel so much? How can she fill his stomach with tons of butterfly? He pressed his lips on a thin line as he quickly distanced himself from her. Dara smiled as she started dusting his clothes with him quickly helping her. She chuckled. ‘I’m sorry for getting you dirty,’ she chuckled. ‘It’s okay,’ he mumbled not wanting her to misunderstand his silence for anger. He never ever wanted her to think that he was mad of or at her. NEVER.  

He doesn’t know if he’ll be able to bear that.

‘Why are you here by the way?’ he asked as Dara lifted her gaze meeting his eyes once more. He rubbed his palm on his nape somehow he can feel his nervousness which makes him want to puke his heart out. ‘Well…’ Dara walked to the mascot and grabbed a flyer on its pocket. She handed it to Seunghyun which he received reading immediately. Seriously what’s with her and flyers? It was an advertisement for a newly opened zoo. ‘I am working,’ she answered as she pushed the mascot and took her seat on the bench.

Seunghyun stared at the flyer for a moment before looking at her. ‘Aren’t you supposed to be studying?’ he asked as Dara looked at him for a moment before smiling. ‘Well,’ she chuckled softly but you’ll hear disappointment on her voice. ‘I have to earn money,’ she added dropping her gaze on her fiddling fingers. Dara lifted her gaze once more looking straight to him. She laughed softly. ‘Not everyone is lucky Seunghyun,’ she added pushing herself to stand up.

She then wore the mascot once more only to be stopped by him. ‘It’s past eleven let’s eat lunch first,’ he said as Dara shook her head. ‘I don’t have time for it, besides I have to earn money therefore I have to work,’ she chuckled. ‘I’ll treat you,’ he said as Dara looked at him. They were consumed by silence. She caressed his cheek with a smile. ‘You’re so sweet…’ she said in a whisper that he felt his heart was thumping hard on his chest again with her every word lingering on him. He swore he’ll die young because of heart attack. ‘But I really need to get back to work,’ she added.

Seunghyun pulled away raking his hair in frustration. He wanted to say something that will make her say yes or just anything so she’ll eat and take a break. He was damn frustrated. Dara stared at him as she removed the costume. She walked to him as he was crouching there in frustration. Never did in his life will he thought he’ll lose his cool. He can’t believe on what she was doing to him!

Her mere existence drives him insane. Her breaths it makes him more insane. And her eyes, her smile and every inch of her damn they snatch his senses away. He was going insane!

Dara wrapped her arm on his shoulder as she crouched next to him. Seunghyun turned his head to her as their eyes met once more. Dara smiled as she leaned her head on his shoulder. ‘You looked really down,’ she mumbled as he froze on his spot. He felt her hand caressing his hair the same time he felt his chest constricted damn painfully as he can feel his lungs’ lack of oxygen. And the corner of his eyes it was starting to sting. God he hated her! He hated her so much and he hated his self much more! Why does she always come and twist him? He bit his lips hard.

That’s when he realized that he wanted her to stay not because he wanted her to eat or rest because he wanted it more for himself. He felt like falling and he needed her or just anyone. He was tired being alone. He wanted to laugh he had always thought that being alone was his peace. But then he guessed he finally felt the exhaustion of being all alone.

When she came into his life that one ing day that he almost hit her.

‘Share with me the blankets that you’re wrapped in…’ she started singing as she leaned her chin on his shoulder as he was looking at her and their eyes were locked on each other. He can smell her breath; he can feel its warmth touching his skin. ‘Because it’s cold outside, it’s cold outside… Share with me the secrets that you kept in because it’s cold inside, it’s cold inside…’

Dara held his hand as she smiled before lacing her fingers with his. ‘And your slow shaking fingertips show… that you’re scared like me so… let’s pretend we’re alone… and I know you’re maybe scared and I know we’re unprepared but I don’t care…’

‘Tell me, tell me what makes you think that you’re invincible. I can see it in your eyes that you’re so sure…’ she sang more as he listened to her as his world was consumed by so many things. There were this clashing inside his chest and his mind and he doesn’t know what to do already. But then her voice, her eyes and her breath. The warmth of her arm around his shoulder, the weight of her chin against his shoulder and the beauty and peace blending in that one angelic voice. It soothed him.  It calmed him to the point that it was as if the world just stop existing and it was just him and her.

He tightened the hold of her hand. ‘Please don’t tell me that I’m the only one that’s vulnerable… impossible…’ she smiled at him as she leaned her head on his shoulder. He tightly shut his eyes. God he must be crazy right now for wishing he could stay like that in her arms, feeling her warmth forever.

He wanted her to sing him more songs. Calm him and just be with her. He was indeed crazy.  

And without noticing it he was falling deeper to her, without control. 

{author's blah blah;;}

this chapter goes to tabisan4eva for the wonderful poster! i am crying rainbows! i quickly received a poster for this hahaha :DD and this goes for the long comments and warm welcomes from my fellow gummies hehe :D thank you for the support baby may you enjoy this story with me as i slowly unfold the events of this beautiful mess lmao. hehe. up next would be dara's story i don't know if it interest you but i hope ot will. thank you and i love u :)