Let's break up.

These were the words that you sent me which left me in a trance as soon as I read it. Our relationship ended with just a single message on my phone.

You were my everything. You were the first one to realize that underneath the cold facade lies a girl with so much love to share. It made me feel joyful .I didn't feel as if I was alone anymore. You seemed to understand me and so I fell. In no time at all, I started to love you and you loved me in return... or so I thought.

I confronted you while you were alone in your room at our dorm. I asked why you decided that it was better for us to be separated while tears cascaded from my eyes like waterfall. You said it was due to frequent misunderstandings, our overlapping schedules that hinder us from seeing each other most of the time, and lastly, pressure.

Pressure from our friends, your family, our fans, and what everyone around us would think if they found out about us. Is it our fault that we live in a very conservative country where boys should love girls and girls should love boys? Did you come to a conclusion that they will never accept us? Or did you truly not accepted us in the first place?

It was beyond my comprehension why you always hid our relationship from everyone. You were concerned that it would create such a huge scandal and would be all over the news. "Girls' Generation's leader and the Ice Princess Dating?!" would be the top search in web portals. You were also concerned that even if everything turned out to be okay but then if we ended breaking up, you'd have to answer to all of the questions the media throws. You didn't want all that stress. I guess you were already thinking of breaking up during that time.

Did you even love me from the start? Or am I just a fool who sees everything in rose-tinted glasses whenever I'm with you. I guess love makes you see things which are not real, tricking the mind and fooling the eyes from the truth.

I remembered the time when we were having our second Japan Arena Tour concert in Hiroshima on March 10, 2013. See, I even remembered the date! This is how scarce our moments are that I can't help but let the memories get carved into my mind. I held your hand as we walked happily towards the center stage. I know Hyoyeon was holding your other hand too but it didn’t really matter. This moment is good enough for me.

I've tried reasoning with you, holding on to that tiny sliver of hope that you would return back to me. I was so persistent and stubborn on not letting you go that you ignore me quite a lot to keep me away from you but I still held on.

I tried so many times to grab your attention but you always step away from me. Everytime that our gaze will meet each other you tend to look somewhere else immediately. Heck, our line of sight wouldn't even meet for more than a second.

Did you remember the time when we were at a SMTown Concert? You were so amazed by the miniature dookongs. I wanted you to notice me so I touched the toy that you were holding. But to no avail, you continued to talk with Tiffany as if I was not there. I know she's just your bestfriend, nothing more... or maybe, just maybe, I thought wrong once again.

The same thing happened when we were invited to be guests on a variety show named "Happy Together". You kept on ignoring me. Instead, you focused your attention to Tiffany. There were so many Taeny moments that day. My heart felt like it was being ripped apart. Good thing Yoona visited the set momentarily. It helped my mind off the matter just for a while.

Yoona. My precious dongsaeng. She caught me after we split apart. She held me tight and kept me safe even if I am older than her. She was someone I looked up to during those hard times.

She confessed to me a few weeks after you called our relationship off. I rejected her love for it was not what I needed. It was someone else's. It was yours, the one which I had lost.

In spite of it all, I deemed it impossible to let you go, impossible to stop my mind from thinking about you. I know it's best to forget everything and just move on but I just can't. How can I when I see you everytime? I now know the meaning of the term so close yet so far.

Maybe I'm the unluckiest person alive. Or am I just being over-reacting? My schedule is packed full of projects just so I could take my mind off of you even if it’s affecting my health. But in those wee hours that I'm not doing anything, the image of you kept lingering in my thoughts.

Am I that obsessed with you that despite a few years from the time we broke up I still kept thinking of you, of getting over you?

I miss you.

I miss the times when we held hands, the times when we hug. I miss the feeling of your silky hair on my fingertips. I miss the time when your lips brushed against mine. Those fleeting moments that gave me utter joy no matter how simple it is. Maybe I love those moments more than the notion of being in love with you. I wish to live in those kind of moments as long as I live.

I wish I could rewind the hands of time and bring you back to me. I need you more than anything else now.

Maybe you've already forgotten about me. Maybe you have moved on. Maybe I’ve been left standing like a lone fool.

Maybe.

Maybe I'm just being selfish, but doesn’t every person have the humanly right to think of himself/herself only?

Maybe all of this was meant to be. Maybe that is all the love I deserved in this life. I hope I got more than I deserved. It would be nice then.

I know I'm lucky enough to have found you. I would not have known what loving and being loved is without you, however short and untrue it may be.

I figured there will be no more second chances no matter how much I tried.

I still dream of you. You were and still is my beautiful nightmare.

Will I ever go back to the same old Jessica? A girl who doesn't have any care in this world? Maybe not. Whenever I think of such things, it ruins my day. But when I realize how happy you must be without me now that you don't have to bear with my mood swings and endless whining, I could bury all those sorrows away. Just hearing your carefree ahjumma laugh or seeing your dorky attitude is enough to warm my heart and make me smile once again however bitter our relationship turned out to be.

A/N: Just because I miss Taengsic. TT_TT

Seems like I haven't updated this in almost a year, huh? So sorry about that. Been busy with all sorts of stuff.