“I said I was sorry.” He said with a voice so soft I felt like it was a private thing…solely for me.

I didn’t know what to say…and he didn’t do anything after that too but we stared at each other like two idiots.

I knew then that he actually felt guilty for the kiss. And knew that he knows it angered me to levels. The sorry was silent but it was enough for me to offer him forgiveness...at least to myself.

“Uhm...okay.” Was the only dumb answer I could come up with.

He cleared his throat and released his hold on me to let me stand up.

I pulled myself up, carefully letting my hair slid down to hide even just a part of my blushing face. Seriously...there’s nothing to be blushing about! IS MY CIRCULATORY SYSTEM MESSED UP OR WHAT!

There was an awkward silence that stretched between us and for the first time ever, I couldn’t find the strength to think of a way to break it. I was more interested on the floor in front of me and just focused my eyes on it, waiting for Jiyong to just get us out of these walls.

But instead of breaking the silence, he only extended the stress and just continued his way to his bedroom. Sigh, I knew he’d be like this somehow. I followed him anyway.

At the end of the hall, there’s this door which looks awfully familiar. Jiyong started to turn the knob.

“Hm...so you’re using oppa’s bedroom now?” I mused.

He opened the door to Junyong oppa’s bedroom before with a nod, “I like it here more than in my own bedroom and since no one’s using it now, I kind of just took this for my own.” He pointed to the white sofa against the opposite wall, “Suit yourself.”

I walked over to the sofa and plopped down with my things.

It was an eerie feeling…Junyong oppa’s room didn’t change at all. Jiyong did move here but it’s all mostly Junyong oppa’s things still. His wallpapers, trophies, posters, pictures and his mini-recording studio…

Jiyong must’ve seen my eyes roaming around the room like it was unrecognizable. I can’t help myself. For the first time in a long time, I’ve stepped into this room again. To be honest, I was a little scared…okay, maybe really scared. Not because of ghosts or anything but because I think deep inside, I still haven’t accepted that Junyong oppa – who was almost like a real brother to me – already passed away.

Someone cleared his throat and said, “So…about tutoring me…”

“Uhm, oh yeah.” I checked my watch...5pm and we still haven’t done anything yet...I mean, academic-wise...not that we did other things far from that. Oh my god, brain, what in the world is making you function like this right now!

“I’ll call Mrs. Ahn and tell her you’re gonna sleep over.” He said nonchalantly.

I nodded until I realized what he just said.

“Hey!” However, he already dialled my mom and greeted her now.

I jumped from my seat and protested as he already opened the suggestion to my mom. “Hey, Kwon Jiyong!”

“There’s a guest room upstairs. Yes.” He shielded the phone away from me.

I tried my best to snatch the phone from him. “Give me!!! MOM!”

“Yes, Mrs. Ahn. Yes. We’ll go to school together tomorrow. That’s okay. And Sohee says hi, by the way.” He smirked at me, teasing.

“No, mom! I am not sleeping—”

He clicked the phone in an instant and threw it to the bed. “She already said yes.”

“What!!!” I jumped to the bed to reach for the phone but Jiyong did as well to stop me.

“Yah! Just sleep over okay!” His grip on the phone was so strong that it slid off my hands.

“I don’t want to!” I struggled.

“I won’t be able to drive you. I just got back in an accident, remember?” He avoided my attempts so fast.

“Just ask a driver to drive me home if you don’t want to drive then!” I yelled at his face reaching for the phone as he raised it over his head. “Yah!”

“Our drivers won’t be home until later. They escorted my dad to the airport, okay! Just quit it, kid!” His back was already against the headboard.

But...I don’t want to sleep here! Especially with Jiyong in the same house. JFC, what is this guy thinking!!!

I tried to reach for the phone again, not minding how we’re dangerously close to each other now. “Okay, whatever. I’ll just go home myself. Now, give me the phone!”

Jeez. Times like these I blame myself for forgetting my phone at home :( I was already kneeling in front of him, trying to make his grip loose from the phone he was holding out with his outstretched left hand.

“Yah, you think I’d allow you to go home by yourself?”

I stopped at that. “What?”

Our eyes met for a while as our faces are on the same level now. I sighed. Okay…so throwing the fake reason of Jiyong and I being in the same house out the window. That wasn’t why I’m bothered about sleeping here…I know that in my heart.

“I-I’m not really comfortable in this house right now, Jiyong. You know that...” I put down my arms and stayed still in front of him. I’m not going to cry. I think I’ve gone through that a lot before…                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

“Just stay over.” He still insisted, putting his hand down as well and letting go of the phone. “Okay? You can’t always run like this.”

Was I?

Was I escaping this place...?

I gave up and looked down. “It’s been 3 years...right...?”

And at that moment, we found ourselves completely immersed in our own world, talking about the one thing I most hated talking about. Junyong oppa’s untimely death. It may be the best connection Jiyong and I had.

It seems...Jiyong wanted me to sleep over because he has his own share of problems too and needed someone to talk to.

“I know I haven’t been that good of a friend...” He chuckled. “I don’t think I ever was for you, huh?”

We were both lying down on the bed now, side by side, staring at the white ceiling...I admit it felt uncomfortable at first but once he started talking, it felt like I was talking to a long lost friend. It felt like I can have a time to breathe now from all the holding off I’ve been doing in the past. It was nice, staying still like this in a room I missed a lot.

I just smiled at what he said and turned my face to him. “Well, you’re always hot-headed and bullied me and made me trip all of the time and treat me coldly...calls me kid!”

He laughed. “I was that mean to you?”

“Are you acting innocent now?” I asked with a smile.

“Yah, this meanie just saved your life yesterday!” He nudged me with his shoulder.

“Still a meanie!!!” I insisted.

I didn’t miss the twinkle on his eyes when he answered, “A good kisser meanie.”

“NO WAY!!!” I elbowed him this time making sure it hurt.

“Ow!”

“I haven’t forgiven you! That was uncalled for!” I made gagging sounds. “I can’t believe you did that JSHSDJGSGJSDG!!”

“Look, I’m sorry, okay. And don’t worry it won’t happen again.” He laughed.

I don’t know why it seemed like a mistake now that I can laugh it off as well. “I slapped you real good huh.”

“Slapper.”

“ert.”

“Kid.”

“Bully.”

“Mandoo...”

Our conversations are always a mess though. And that’s when I lost it.

“I HATE YOU!!!” I pushed him a little too hard and made him fall from the bed.

I heard him strurggle until a thud came and another string of curses from him. “Yah! What is it with you and your hobby to make ME fall?!”

I laughed at his current state. I guess I am that strong to keep making him fall.

“No one calls me Mandoo and gets away with it.” I said with a shrug as I felt him lying down beside me again.

“My body is all battered up now ever since we started going together yesterday...” I heard him mutter.

I giggled at his pouting. “Want me to push you again?!”

“Violent person!”

“Troubled weirdo.” I answered back, wanting to win the name calling.

However, instead of playing more, he stopped.

“What?” I turned my face to him and found him in all his seriousness again. I think I said something wrong and I was about to take it back when all of a sudden, he turned to face me and propped his elbow to support his head. We just stared back at each other like that like it was the most normal thing we can do in that moment. My eyes, however, found his lips and saw them part carefully…

“You know…they used to call me troubled kid a lot before.” He nodded to himself, remembering bits of his past. Is he finally opening up to me now?

“Really…?” My voice was just above a whisper but he still heard and smiled.

“Yep.” It took him a while before he continued, “I never knew what it meant but I had a feeling it wasn’t something nice…and I knew they were talking about some flaw in me.”

I didn’t know what to say and it seemed, he didn’t need me to answer either. He just wanted someone who can listen now. I gave him that. I felt bad that I actually thought he was really arrogant before when here he is telling me the pieces that broke apart from him.

He chuckled as he played with the bed sheet between us. “I…I’m not sure why I’m talking about this now but I’ve got no one to talk to like this anymore.”

Since Junyong oppa died…That’s how I felt too.

He veered away his attention to the sheet for awhile before catching my eyes with his again and added, “I’ve missed this.”

I saw myself in his gaze. For some reason, I like how it felt that he’s finally seeing me now—as a friend…someone who he can talk to like Junyong oppa.

“I missed talking to someone about my problems…you know hyung, he’s just so easy to confide in…”

I merely nodded.

“So when he…” I saw his adam’s apple move up and down…before he said, “I just pretty much kept to myself.”

How come you’re doing this, Jiyong? – was what I wanted to ask but I couldn’t. Instead,

“How about…your friends from school?” I breathlessly asked…I don’t know what got me this breathless but my chest is starting to constrict now. Something is wrong.

There was some change in the air.

Is it me or is the air-conditioner broken? I can feel my palm sweating.

He must’ve seen that something was indeed wrong with me and find amusement in it.

This jerk…

…

“I…” He lifted his hand up, noticing something and next thing I know, he was slowly tucking loose strands of my hair behind my ear. It was a little gesture…yet it felt like it was something special. It felt like how it felt when I realized he saved me from getting hit by a car…like how it felt when he said sorry for the kiss just a while ago. “I don’t really talk about these things with them.”

I was waiting for something…

Until…

I felt his hand hold my face from behind and pulled me closer as he dipped his lips on mine.

My mind went blank.

It wasn’t like the first kiss he gave me. No. This was something I didn’t feel the need to be angry for…it was comforting and friendly…if that even makes sense.

I closed my eyes and savoured the way his lips moved hesitantly. It wasn’t a deep kiss…but it was ing straight to my heart. He’s indeed troubled. I felt it.

He was slowly in my upper lip and then my bottom lip. I let him. I even welcomed him when I parted them to give him more things to do to make me feel this way.

The trembling from my body wasn’t because I was nervous – I was trying to control myself from hugging him.

I wanted to so much.

I wanted to deepen the kiss.

And I want to kill myself for completely losing my mind and thinking about all of these.

Don’t…

Another minute passed and I felt his lips stop.

Don’t…

The air changed again and all my lips felt was the cold when he pulled away.

He pulled away…but not entirely…his face was still as close as ever on mine. His body is almost covering my small frame but I didn’t push him away. I held unto his shoulder, gripping on it as my heart relentlessly knocked, wanting to jump out for this guy.

For the first time ever, I felt sorry for Jiyong.

“I wish I could’ve joined you, Sunmi and hyung…” He chuckled, still looking at my lips, his chest heaving up and down in an abnormal beat. “Playing and just enjoying your youth.”

I wanted to say something but he stole my ability to speak when he started kissing me again. He moved sideways and said against my lips, “Are you…mad?”

What…?

Mad? About this kiss…? Or about the past? I didn’t know and I didn’t try to know. All I felt was the warm feeling tingling inside me because of the kiss especially when I felt him positioning his self over me. I kissed him back all the while he kissed me as my lame response.

My heart was racing fast and I realized I lost control and encircled my arms around his neck to deepen the kiss. I let him in…and it was a great feeling.

I whimpered when his tongue found mine. We stopped in between kisses to get some air but it was like we were both fighting for more. He wasn’t stopping and he tasted every inch of my lips….

I couldn’t think anymore…I don’t even remember how we got here…It was a kiss that made you lose your mind. I’ve only heard about this stuff before but…who knew I’d experience this first-hand? And to think…Jiyong’s the one giving it to me now…

I didn’t realize I was going to ask him something when, “What...was troubling...you?” I thought out loud as we in air from each other in between.

I felt the bit of playfulness…the bit of calm in him vanish in an instant. It was disorienting...it was like Kwon Jiyong has two sides of him.

We were kissing in a passionate tempo that it was really obvious something I said hit him when it slowed down all of a sudden. He pulled away. I craned my neck to kiss him again and he kissed me back with the same fervour but pulled away again.

“I’m sorry…” He was completely frozen now, avoiding my gaze.

It was an earth-calling for him. I’m not sure why I asked that, and why I’m trying to delve deeper. I don’t even know why I care now...well, yeah, I do, of course since even though Jiyong and I didn’t become the best of friends, he’s also become a part of my life especially since he’s the most important one for Junyong oppa who was meant the world to me like my parents.

And...it isn’t too late, right? To actually start our friendship?                                                                                      

Usually, I’d be mad about him being this close but I felt like we both needed friends.

We both needed this closure – this conversation.

For once, I felt like I can talk about Junyong oppa to someone now...

However...

“We should start studying now.” His voice was stern. He sat up all at once and stood up, stretching. He turned to me and I knew he wanted something from what he was looking at but shook his head and smiled, “So you’re sleeping over now, right?”

Did I say something wrong? Moreover, did I hit something with that question?

I only nodded, finally letting him win this time. At least, we got to talk like two normal human beings now. That’s a good start, right? I mean…well, the kiss is another story but hey, it wasn’t out of lust or anything more. Like I said, it was friendly…and uhm…

Anyway.  Sigh. Am I doing the right thing confiding to this guy who’s been as distant as North Korea from everywhere else in the world?

“You look like sh.t by the way. I guess those fangirls are really in love with me.” He said it like it was normal to tell someone she looks like sh.t.

.

.

.

OH MY GOD AND HERE I WAS CONSIDERING TRUSTING HIM NOW!!!

I grabbed the nearest pillow and threw it at his face when he turned around.

It hit him fair and square.

[JIYONG’S POV]

I watched as she pointed important terms to my face. I nodded with not much interest.

I was distracted enough about the heated kiss we had before dinner and here she was wearing this kerokeroppi pajamas. I think she looks cute no matter what she wears but this just reminds me completely of those old days. We’re not really on good terms before…I have this habit of isolating myself…but I liked Sohee. I wanted to protect her like how hyung did it before. I actually wanted to be her friend but I had problems and I didn’t want to see her be hurt for who I am.

Anyway, she’s talking about a lot of nonsense things I do not understand, really.

She’s been talking for about two hours now, gaining nothing from me but “Can you repeat that?” “Whatever.” “I’m bored.” And countless yawns but she’s still yapping and yapping. It was also distracting that her lips have to move when she talks.

My mind traced back to the kiss we had today. We never brought it up after. But I knew it was something special and something that we both wanted. Well, I admit, I wanted it…and the fact that we’re so close that time…what in the world do we do but kiss, right?

I was afraid she’d slap me again for it but Thank God, she didn’t. She didn’t even complain. Was that because she felt sorry for me? Was she forced to kiss me because I wanted it? Did she let me do it to help me?

“Yah, are you listening?” She hit me with her notebook…for the 5^th time.

“Yes, Ma’am.” I lied perfectly with a smile.

She looked red for a while before she continued scribbling down notes for me.

Well…I’ve kissed girls before but never Sohee. And I think that’s what made it stand out. We kissed at the hospital but I’m screwing that out of the list since she didn’t like it and it was more like a reflex thing. This kiss was something…really good. A kiss you ain’t stopping for anything…that kind.

Although, I did stop it...when she asked that question, I just felt like I didn't deserve kissing her like that.

But...whatever, Jiyong. Be happy about something for once.

"Are we done yet?" I asked purposely to annoy her. 

She sighed. "Are you going to stop complaining or do you want me to punch you instead?" She replied as she was forcing me to write stuff.

She was this near to me when I realized I wanted to kiss her again even though I said it won't happen again. It was really hot how she responded when I thought she was going to get mad. Of course, add in that we shared the kiss on a bed…although uhm…in my dead bro’s room. Which reminds me…Sorry, hyung…

I have to thank Sohee though.

I’m not sure why but I felt really free now because of the kiss.

And she definitely didn’t kiss like a kid.

She’s now mumbling to herself about the ridiculous papers I haven’t done and complaining on why I’m just there sitting and looking at her.

She was clueless.

She doesn’t know that I found my new inspiration for my music.

[NO ONE’S POV]

When the world was asleep, he was scribbling lyrics on a piece of paper.

When the world was dreaming, he was making it happen.

♫ I’m so sorry but I love You…I just can't lie... ♫

He looked over to his phone to see the caller ID and realized it was Daesung calling. He smiled remembering he needed to thank Daesung still for accompanying Sohee throughout the day he wasn’t around. “Yo.”

But far from his usual cheerfulness, Daesung sounded worried and restless, “HYUNG!! You have to come here right now!”

Jiyong looked over to his clock and saw that it was past 2 AM. “What? Where the hell are you?”

Then it clicked on his head and he remembered Daesung saying that Juwoon’s group is back from America and that he wanted to spy on their practice for the coming “Battle of the Bands”. “I told you not to spy on them, you doraemon face. Are you there? Hello? Hello?”

The voice that answered him wasn’t the one he expected to hear…not at all. “Been a long time, ‘lil Jiyong.”

It was that guy.

A rush of emotions overwhelmed Jiyong and he froze as his brain registered that the past was coming back to him altogether…this guy killed his brother.

And who knows what he’d do to Daesung.

“Where the f.ck is my friend, Juwoon? !” Jiyong stood up abruptly that the water on his table spilled across the almost complete song he was writing.

He heard Daesung struggle in the background. And that’s when he completely lost it.

Juwoon simply snickered at the reaction he was getting from Jiyong. He knew he’d get worked up when it comes to his BIGBANG friends. He missed getting on Jiyong’s nerves…on those Kwons’ nerves. “We’re just going to play with him, don’t worry. Unless you wanna join the party?”

“You better not touch him until I get to where you are.” Jiyong was already dressing up to go out when Juwoon revealed where they are.

He took his time, savouring the next thing he was about to say that would inevitably spark the hate the little Kwon was already feeling.

“Ever heard of my practice studio?” He intended to mock Jiyong. He knew it would be the last straw for Jiyong and he’d be forced to come meet his past again. Juwoon laughed before he ended the call.

Juwoon that .

Who could ever forget a place where your brother was beaten up almost to death.

“He ing comes back here to mock me. ing dumb.” Jiyong rushed out of his room.

Sohee, who was coming from the toilet, saw Jiyong rushing to somewhere. She instantly followed him.

Jiyong was already wearing his shoes when Sohee came up behind, “Hey.”

But he wasn’t startled even the least. He shrugged her off with a cold reply, “Go back to your room.”

Sohee glared at his back and crossed her arms. “Where are you going dressed like that? Black leather jacket and all? Going to party? You didn’t even get anything right from the session today and now you’re going to party? That’s really amazing, meanie.”

He only ignored her, stood up and went out to their garage. Sohee wore her slippers and followed Jiyong until he got annoyed and turned to her with a glare, “Go follow someone else. Study if you want. Just get back inside, okay?”

“Not if you’re not telling me where you’re going.” If stubborn was the game, then Sohee ain’t backing down.

Jiyong wiped his face in frustration. “Look, I’m running out of time. Just stay safe inside and don’t tell Grandma I went out.”

“Screw you. I’m gonna yell now if you don’t stop your childish games. We have school later, Kwon Jiyong!!”

“This is more important than school, Mandoo” He was already fixing the helmet on his head when,

“Psst ! Jiyong !!”

The two turned their heads to the gate entrance and saw Taeyang, Seungri and Seunghyun. Sohee squinted her eyes and saw that they were also in black leather jackets.

“Ahh, I see, you’re going to party with them, huh.” Sohee demanded on him. She knew somehow that Jiyong is still the same Jiyong…only, their faces didn’t look at all excited for a party.

“Jiyong hyung, hurry! Daesung hyung is in trouble!” Seungri carefully called out to Jiyong…however, his message only complicated things more.

Sohee straightened up, hearing Daesung’s name suddenly thrown in. “Wait, what happened with Daesung oppa?”

“.” She heard Jiyong utter. “It’s none of your business, now, step aside.”

Jiyong pressed something from the garage and a smaller gate opened at the side of the entrance. He was about to roar the engine out when Sohee ran in front of it.

“Take me with you.” She blocked Jiyong’s way.

“No, you brat. Go back inside, I said.”

Sohee held the motorcycle and stopped it. “If you’re not going to take me, I’m going to die of worry for Daesung oppa, and if I die, my mom will hold you responsible for it and then you’ll go into jail and spend the rest of your life there!”

A sigh was heard. “Yo, Jiyong, just take her. We've no time for this. We won’t let her get hurt unless you want her dying here instead.” It was Seunghyun, the eldest in BIGBANG.

It seems that Jiyong really respected his decision and weighed the options as well. “Fine. Put this on.” He handed Sohee a helmet and got her to ride behind him.

“Whatever happens, stay behind me. Arasseo?”