chapter four.

            After their first meeting which ended with her request, which was more like a command, asking him to be her friend, when he walked into their classroom, he noticed that the empty spot next to his table was filled by her. His gaze was set on her fingers, drumming on the top of the table, manufacturing a tune which sounded familiar to him. His eyebrows furrowed, trying to remember when and where had he listened to this tune but he did not succeed at doing so. He noticed that her fingers were slim, so slim to compare to his and her nails looked shiny and the shapes of every finger were almost identical.

            When the tune suddenly stopped and he saw her locking her gaze with his, that was when he suddenly asked himself, for whatever reason would she sit next to his place? There was even her bag placed against one of the legs of the table next to his. He could see her muscles relaxed where the smile she was displaying just now immediately disappeared when she turned her head, towards the direction where her bag was placed at. She then turned and looked at him again.

            “Ohh, I thought we’re going to be friends?”

            She asked, able to know what he had questioned himself. He cleared his throat and occupied his seat. Out of the corner of his eyes, he could see she had followed suit with a smile plastered on her face. Both of them remained immobile in silence, observing the antics performed by their classmates. Some were running around. Some were gossiping. And some were still eating their snacks. But the silence was then broken when she placed her arm on the table and rested her chin on her palm towards his direction. He swallowed, not sure of what he was supposed to be doing and what she was going to do next.

            “My name is Eunmi. Park Eunmi.”

            It took him to lightly poke the tip of his tongue on the inner side of his cheek before he slowly moved his eyes, so that he could look at her properly.

            “I know.”

            “Ohh?”

            “I know what your name is.”

            A grin broke across her face. “You stalked me before?!” she then slapped him on the arm.

            He turned to look at the right spot where she had hit him earlier. Seconds had passed and the burning sensation of her touch should have left by now. He was so sure of it. It was supposed to be happening. His mother used to do this every time she wanted him to move faster especially when it comes to helping her at home. Jongho used to do this, almost the whole time, which Jongin thought it must have been one of his hobbies. His father used to do this to him too except that it was not really a hit. It was a pat, instead— assuring and encouraging him.

            So, now, he could not really grasp the idea of why he could still feel her earlier touch burning, sending sensation throughout his body, shaking him to the core. It was ridiculous, he thought. He then slowly looked up, meeting her eyes albeit it felt unusual as ever. It was just something he was not used to doing.

            “No. I just paid attention. That’s all,” said he.

            “Whatever. It’s still the same thing.”

            “Do you…know?” he asked.

            “Huh? Know about what?”

            He scratched his cheek albeit there was no reason for him to do that. It was just his way to buy some time, trying to contemplate whether he should be asking her or not. But, in the end, he thought that it would be best if he just did that.

            “My……,” he stopped to jerk his gaze away from her eyes and looked at his hands instead. He then went on, “….name.”

            “Ahhhh. Of course I do. I paid attention too.”

            She produced a chuckle upon seeing his reaction. She knew that it must have been hard for him to do this. She could see it so well that he was not used to doing this. She could not imagine of how his life was like back then before she knew him. How could he survive his days without actually opening up to others and making friends? Friends are like almost everything in her life. Without friends in her life, she knew it would be meaningless and empty.

            And this time, she was determined to make him feel just like how she would about having a friendship with someone. And, maybe, just maybe, she wanted to make it further than that.

*     *     *

18.11.10

(07:32 p.m)

            It was dark and it felt so painful to him. Suddenly, it seemed like there was something heavy being placed on top of his body, giving him a difficulty to perform the task of inhaling and exhaling, the one which he had been performing since forever. How could he suddenly forget how to do this? As if it was something bizarre— something which he had not been introduced to before? He could feel that his face was twisted as he endured the undefined pain and droplets of sweat dribbled down his temple.

            He was gasping when he suddenly found that lights had finally seeped through his retina, getting rid of the black, terrifying canvas. His vision was blurred, unfocused and all that he could see was white. It took for a while for the white canvas to slowly settle down and when he looked around, that was when he found out that he was in the same police station he went to, just like what he was asked by Detective Jang. But he was not in Detective Jang’s office, where he was at when everything suddenly went black, when he was reading Eunmi’s letter which gave him a thousand unanswered questions and when he found himself being swallowed by a pitch of darkness, out of a sudden. He looked down, to see that he was in a sleeping position, which he did not remember performing before that incident happened.

            He slowly got up while grunting because of the pain which originated from his head. He placed his hand there, putting a pressure on it, in a hope that it would somehow tamp down the pain. He thought that everything was weird. Sure, he was in the same police station. Everything remained the same. The paint, the interior and the colour of the light remained just the same like how he remembered but it gave him a different feeling.

            A feeling he did not remember encountering before.

            He was sitting while contemplating, trying to put faint pieces to form them as a solid piece, so that everything would make sense to him when someone suddenly approached him.

            “You’re awake?”

            He slowly looked up, with his hand still pressed against his head to see a female police officer towering over him with a concern look displayed on her face. He observed her features, trying to trigger his memories whether or not had he seen her before. But apparently, the feedback was negative. He his lips and asked instead of answering her question.

            “What actually happened?”

            It took that female police officer to blink her eyes for a couple of times before she finally answered his question.         

            “Someone found you lying unconsciously by the side of a road.”

            His eyebrows furrowed, not being able to grasp what kind of situation he had been dragged into. Sure, maybe, last time, he did pass out but why must it happen at somewhere else but not here? Not in Detective Jang’s office? Remembering this, he looked up to look at the female police officer again.

            “Can I see Detective Jang?”

            He was so sure that Detective Jang must have known everything that could help him to understand this. This was confusing as ever that he could feel the throbbing pain on his head was getting even more severe every time a second passed by.

            “He’s not here. He has to go somewhere else,” the female police officer answered.

            He released a sigh and closed his eyes, not knowing what to think of anymore.

            “We checked your id and we managed to obtain your guardians’ number. We’ve called them and they should be here in any time.”

            He nodded and said thank you to her when she finally left him, giving him some space to compose himself. What was happening to him did not make any sense at all, he thought. It felt so surreal, confusing, bizarre and a pain in the at the same time. He did not want to waste any of his time thinking of this. Instead, he wanted to do something else.

            He wanted to fill the emptiness lingering in his heart which Eunmi had taken together with her the day she left him eternally. He wanted to put every broken pieces of him together back. He wanted to know why she wrote that letter. He wanted to shut everything down and be all alone which for no apparent reason, he found it to be beyond his reach.

            By the time the pain on his head seemed like it had settled down a bit, his parents finally arrived. He took his time to get into their car with his mind still working trying to find answers to his endless questions. By now, he was not even sure of what he was supposed to be doing. Even thinking seemed like it was forbidden for him to do so. He leaned into the leather seat of the car, closing his eyes and releasing a sigh at the same time, feeling the warmth of his breath humming his face.

            “What actually happened to you?” his mother asked from the front. “I thought that you said you wanted to go to one of your friends’ house?”

            Upon hearing what his mother had said, his eyes were opened instantly. He could not grasp even the slightest idea of what his mother meant by saying that. What did she mean? He did not even have any friends, now, that Eunmi was not here anymore. Whose house would he head to when the only one he had been to was always her house?

            “Jongin, your mother’s asking you,” said his father while looking at him through the rear view mirror of the car. He met his father’s eyes but his mind was thinking of something else.

            “I……don’t....really know,” he answered, which was partially true and lie.

            It was true, anyway, on his perspective as he did not remember telling his mother that he was heading to one of his friends’ house who he was yet to find out whom that person actually was. But, at the same time, he felt that he was lying if he were to place himself in others’ shoes, which, in this case, his mom’s, which he could not really understand why he had to feel this way. He was so sure that he had told his mother that he was heading to the police station right after he received the phone call from Detective Jang.

            He was not really sure but apparently, he strangely felt that he had been into a different world. A world which he had no idea what it actually contained and promised.

            “We’re waiting for you, you know. I’ve told you so many times before that we’ll be having a dinner with the Park’s tonight. And now we’re going to be late,” his mother stopped to turn and look at him. She then went on, “And, look, you need to change your clothes,” said she with a sigh escaping from by the time she had finished talking.

            His eyes shot up, trying to digest his mother’s words. And then, finally, he suddenly realized that both his parents were overdressed. He could not understand why and he could not even remember his mother telling him about the dinner. All that he could remember was everyone hardly talked to each other after Eunmi’s passing. He did not even talk much to his parents as he thought that he needed some space. So, when his mother told him this, he had no idea of what was actually going on.

            “Why would have they invited us for a dinner?” he asked, confused. “And, do you really have to dress like that?” he asked and by the time his question had dissipated into the air, that was when he realized that his tone was way too high and somewhat harsh. He knew it was wrong of him to do that but he could not help it. Especially for what had happened. He could feel that all of this confusion had done nothing but evoked his anger. If the Park’s had indeed invited them over for a dinner at their place, then, was it really a necessity for his parents to dress like this? As if the dinner was held in the first place in order to celebrate something?

            To celebrate what? Eunmi’s death?

            He clenched his teeth and formed his hands into fists, clutching onto them so tightly that they turned bloodless, until he could not feel anything. He then closed his eyes, wishing to be invisible and senseless so that he would not have to face this any longer.

            “Kim Jongin!” his father screamed while shooting a warning glare at him through the rear view mirror. “What’s wrong with you?! It’s your mother talking to you!”

            “Honey, it’s okay,” he heard his mother saying this to his father, calming him down.

            He did feel remorse for what he had done but, at the same time, he thought that it was just too much albeit she was his mother, after all, the person who had brought him into this world which he had been denying since forever. He could not stand with the thought of people making fun of Eunmi’s death. Once should have been enough, he thought, but not twice. And given the fact that it was done by his parents, it was too much for him to accept.

            “Why are you so moody? Of course we’ve to dress up. This is a special dinner, after all.”

            He remained closing his eyes and his jaw clenched even more, feeling angry as ever. He had decided to remain silent and brush his mother’s question away. Being silent would be the safest way before he turned everything ugly.

            But, one thing for sure, he could not understand it at all.

            How could they even have the stomach to eat? It was almost three days and yet, never had he ever felt like eating. The thought of eating did not seem appealing to him at all. He had always thought that it was some kind of a betrayal to her if he did this, let alone overdressing for a dinner which he could not see the point of it being held, in the first place.

            She was all alone, buried under the Earth which he was not quite sure of how it felt like. Was it hot, or cold? Was it okay for her to be dressed for the last time in her favourite dress in order to overcome this? Was it okay for her to end up all alone? Was she longing for someone to accompany her? Because if the answer was yes, he would be willing to do that just for her.

            All of these questions kept lingering in his mind that had forbidden him to do almost everything. Even last time, when he had forced the muscles on his face to form a smile when Eunhye asked him to join, playing together with her and Jongho, he felt like his heart had been stabbed by daggers. He felt that he had betrayed Eunmi, who was all alone, now, somewhere which he had no idea where it actually was. How could he smile when it seemed so wrong in the first place? He wished, he really wished that Eunmi would be able to understand that he had to do that for the sake of her own beloved sister and it was not like he wanted to do that, after all.

            His eyes shot up when he found that their car went immobile. He turned to acknowledge that his father had stopped the car at their porch. Without having any second thought, he got out from the car and walked into the house with his mother saying something in the background, which he did not bother to interpret.

            He was mad and that was one thing to be sure about. He just could not cotton on how they had the heart to do this. Had they decided to do this because they thought it would make everything seem okay? So that it would help them to forget about the nightmare which had haunted their lives much easier? Was it because of these? He mounted the stairs and closed the door behind him right after he walked into his room.

            For no apparent reason, he felt odd albeit it was room he was in. He thought that being in his room would soothe him and make him forget about everything else and mind his own business, instead. So, when he felt how different the feeling was like being in his room, he had decided to jump into a conclusion that he might have knocked his head against something. Something really bad must have happened to him. He could not grasp the idea why he had to feel odd being in a room which was also like his territory where he could sink himself in his own world, keeping himself a distance from the real world which he hated so much.

            He shook his head, in a way to tamp down whatever he had in his mind. He then lied in his bed, his face pressed against his mattress where he could feel his hot breath which escaped from his mouth being pointed back at his whole entire face, suffocating him. But he did not bother to move. Despite how much he hated it, he did not perform any attempt to stop it from bothering him as he thought that maybe, it would end his life, right there, in his bed, in his own room. So that, maybe, just maybe, he would be able to see her again.

            He grunted when he could feel vibration coming from his pocket. He fished out his phone out from his pocket with his face still pressed against the mattress. Then, he turned his face to look at the screen to see that it was his mother, just like what he had expected. It took him for a while to finally pick up her call as he was deliberating whether or not to pick up her call. He did not feel like talking. Especially for what had happened earlier. He despised it so much that he was even sure God would not even be able to know how he truly felt about it.

            “Hello?” he spoke, albeit he did not really want to.

            “Jongin-ah, where are you?”

            On the other line, he could hear noises of people chattering in the background. What could they possibly be talking about? Were they talking about what they should be doing next in order to make their plan realize? To completely get rid of Eunmi from their lives, memories and hearts?

            “I’m in my room,” he finally answered.

            “Everyone’s waiting for you. Please come. Mr and Mrs Park want to see you.”

            But I don’t, he wanted to say that. Seconds passed by and he could sense that his mother must have expected him to say something but he could not and he did not want to. He just remained silent, letting the noises of people chattering in the background which seemed like it was not going to end to fill his right ear before his mother finally ended the call. He remained in the same position, he did not even move a budge as he was contemplating, trying to understand what had actually gotten into them.

            He could still remember how her mother looked like during Eunmi’s waking. Her eyes were so swollen that he could barely recognize her. He wondered how, a mother who had just lost her daughter, a mother who had carried her daughter for nine months and brought her to this world, a mother who had cried her soul out during her daughter’s waking could actually do this? As if it was not a big matter, in the first place?

            Because to him, it was. It really was.

            He then released a sigh and turned his face to suffocate himself in his own hot breath, again. After a while, he finally got up and thought that maybe, he should just attend the dinner. Maybe, he would be able to understand why they had decided to do this. Maybe, after all, they were not at fault to begin with. Maybe, he was being too judgmental.

            He walked down the stairs and after he had put on his sneakers, he locked the main door of his house and started to walk towards her house which only then did he notice that he had not changed his clothes like what his mother hoped for. But he was not really bothered by it. He could not really find any harm of it.

            When he had finally reached the compound of her house, he stopped his tracks and looked up. He looked at her window, envisioning her standing behind the window frame and giving him a smile, telling him that he looked silly and like an old man by having that kind of expression painted on his face. He released a sigh, noticing a white smoke curling in the air after it made its escape from his mouth. He missed her so much that no one would be able to understand it. Even he thought that he himself would not be able to, which did not make any sense at all.

            He then swallowed and resumed his tracks. When he was finally standing before the main door of her house, he could hear the same noise he heard earlier coming from the inside of her house. It stung his heart really much that he had a difficulty at breathing. He closed his eyes and then, he suddenly thought that he should not have done this in the first place. He should have not come here. He should have just ignored his mother’s request and continued minding his own business, suffocating himself, that is.

            Before he could remember what he was doing, by the time he had gotten into his senses, that was when he found out that he had already pressed the bell which was placed a few inches from the door frame of her house’s main door. He was about to turn around, trying to walk away before someone opened the door but he was too late.

            He caught a breath when he saw someone opening the door. He muttered something under his breath. He could not believe how stupid he was. He then trailed his eyes to a pair of legs placed before him. They looked familiar to him but he was sure that he must be wrong. It must be that he was being delusional or something. He had seen her wearing dresses which reached her knees a couple of times before that he had remembered so well the curve of her legs.

            So when he saw this, he thought that he must be wrong. It could be someone else, he thought. Given the fact that he did not really interact with others, he was so sure that other females must have similar curve like hers. He was beyond shocked that he did not even realize that he had not been blinking his eyes, not even once and, he did not even seem like he had been catching a breath.

            “Oh? You must be the son?”

            Upon hearing that voice, the voice which he remembered so well, the voice which he thought he had not heard of in the longest time ever, his face immediately jolted up. His eyes immediately bulged out in surprise, a rosebud suddenly lingered in his throat and he could feel his legs getting weaker every time a second passed by that he was so sure it would not be impossible for him to fall on the ground, right there, where he was standing at.

            It was her.

- - - - - - - -

yeayy i managed to write this chapter after the longest time ever leaving this story untouched. i even feel

like giving a kiss to myself hoho. aw man i feel like this story is so sad and pitiful. i feel bad for jongin. i

even feel like crying whenever i write about him. LOL. i hope you won't get tired of this because, wth, this

is the theme of this story. so, yeah. but i can pretty much assure you that the latter part won't be as dramatic

as the beginning part of this story. thank you for reading and, i hope that you'll like this chapter! my heart goes

to every single of you who are reading. (except for silent readers because they . LOL kidding. they don't get

to have my love for them because they aren't willing to exist in my life, so yeah. you get my point.) okay, i'll stop

it right here otherwise it can go on & on & on. have a nice day everyone! ❤