chapter two.

18.11.11

(10:03 p.m)

          “Save…..me…”

            His mouth parted as he wanted to ask her where she exactly was so that he could go there and pick her up but before he was able to do that, the line went dead, leaving him all alone, soulless. He remained in the same posture, not moving an inch at all— contemplating everything. It did not make any sense at all to him. She was all cheerful this morning and how could this happen to her on the same day? Suddenly, his cell phone beeped, indicating that he had received a text message. Knowing who it was from, he quickly read it and fled to where the address given was located at.

            He quickly fled until he was at the side of the street, next to a busy road. He waved his hand continuously, without even giving a stop until a taxi stopped before him. He then hopped in and scooted to the middle in the back seat and reached out his hand which was holding his cell phone at the time instantly.

            “Ahjusshi, please bring me here. And, please drive faster. I’ll pay double.”

            The taxi driver did as what he was told and it took him approximately six minutes to arrive. After he paid the fare to the taxi driver, he got out of the taxi when the driver was in the middle of saying his thank you.

            The place felt so different that he was sure he had never seen it before other than in movies. It was a neighbourhood— except that it was so dark and grim that he was not even sure whether there was a soul living here. The road was even filthy and light was barely there. He ran, not having any idea where he was supposed to head to. He basically ran to where his legs wanted to take him to. He had done a tour around the neighbourhood, smacking every gate existed but it did not give any help to him at all.

            He was breathing so hard that he could feel the heat which came out from his mouth brushing over his cold face. He brushed his hand over his face, out of frustration while turning around the place, still searching. Instantly, his body went still when he caught a sight of something so bright— that it seemed like it was glowing in the darkness. He could feel every muscle in his body went tense and his body shook at the same time. He formed his hands into fists before he slowly turned around— the sound of his shoes scratching against the tar road filled the lonely and cold air. His throat tightened like a rosebud when he caught a sight of two white legs sprawling out from a dump.

            He ran there, even though he was telling himself that it could not possibly her.

            It can’t be her. It can’t be.

            When he was a few steps away from the immobile legs, his pace decreased, where each step took him approximately four seconds to be performed. When he was finally standing in front of the body, his breath became short and he could feel his body was turning so cold that his shaking became even more obvious now. The scene before him was so obscene as there was not a single thread visible on the deceased’s body except for a couple of bruises and a trail of blood originated from the between of the deceased’s legs which he knew so well the reason why it was there in the first place.

            He closed his eyes first before he took a couple of deep breaths. With his hands still clenching tightly into fists, he took a few steps closer so that he would be able to brush away the hair from the deceased’s face while he was praying so hard that it was not her.

            It can’t be her. Please. I’m begging you.

            He fell on the ground right after a second the face was unveiled. Her face was visible in his vision for a couple of seconds only as after that, his vision became blur because of his tears. Without him knowing it, suddenly he started to hiccup and he then found a difficulty at keeping his body balance. He raised his hand and brushed away his tears, so that he could look at everything properly, albeit he did not really want to. It was just too much for him to accept. Everything happened all at once like a strike of lightning that he thought it was nonsense and unfair to him, Eunmi, her family and everyone else.

            There, in her tangled messy hair, was a sticky note. He composed himself first before he reached out his shaking hand and took the sticky note. This time, he was clenching his teeth real hard and his body was shaking so much that he felt like passing out. There, on the sticky note was written,

You lose.

Merong~

            He crumpled the sticky note with his shaking hands and remained holding onto it with his eyes plastered on her pale face. A tear rolled down his eyes, followed by another. They continued continuously until his cheeks were silvered with his tears.

            How could death be some kind of a joke to some individuals? How could they treat this as a joke— as a source of entertainment which did not leave any effect on them other than making them feel satisfied and entertained? He could not understand all of these that he felt like his heart was going to explode in anger, frustration, disappointment and longing.

            He knew the best that after this, his days would not be the same anymore. There would not be Park Eunmi anymore and obviously, his days would not be the same. Ten minutes had passed— without her lively presence in his life and yet, he felt empty as hell that he was not sure how he was going to deal with this emptiness in order to survive his days after this.

            He did not know how to tell this to her mother— her family, her friends, their teachers and to the whole world. He did not know and did not want to because to him, it was just the same as telling the world that she was not here anymore so every single of them should move on with their lives, as if nothing had happened. As if it would not affect their lives because it would, at least to his.

            Still crying, he reached out his hand, ever so slowly and when his fingertips brushed against her cold and tight skin, he began to choke in his tears. He then leaned forward in order to cup her face, giving his warmth in order to decrease the coldness of her body. This was not supposed to be happening. She should have felt warm— just like how it felt like when he pinched her cheek this morning. He could remember the warmth so well that the coldness her body was giving felt so bizarre to him.

            He brushed away his tears using his hands and let out a long breath, telling himself that he should stop crying. Crying would not do anything but hurt her more. He then took out his jacket and could feel every hair on his body immediately shot up due to the ridiculously cold weather. He brought the jacket to her and placed it on top of her body, covering her private parts. Then, with his already numbed hands, he grabbed her body and brought her into his embrace. He had done this a lot of times before with Jongho, especially when he was sick but this time, it felt so different. Her body was so stiff that he could not position her well, so that she would be able to be in his embrace perfectly. He could not do that and he felt helpless as ever.

            He was again at the verge of tears but he held his chin high, staring at the sky— trying to stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks. He then rubbed his hands against hers, sharing his warmth together with her albeit it was no use. He remained for approximately ten minutes doing that while rocking hard before he took out his phone and gave a phone call to the police. When he had given the information needed by the police, he swallowed hard and had to take a couple of breaths, thinking of how he was supposed to tell this to her mother. He really did not want to because he did not think he possessed such courage to do that but then, when he put more thoughts on it, he thought that her mother and family deserved to know this. He then knew that he should have informed them first before calling the police.

            “Hello?” her mother’s voice appeared on the other line with a hint of concern and worry in her voice.

            He swallowed, trying to get rid of the uneasiness due to the lump which had formed on his throat.

            “Aunty, I’ve found her. I’ve found….Eunmi.”

            “Thank goodness. Oh god,” she paused and by listening to her voice, he could tell so well that by that time, she was crying. His throat began to tighten even more.

            “Where are you guys? Me and uncle will come and pick you both.”

            “Aunty….Eunmi is….” he stopped as he did not want to deliver the bad news to her mother.

Maybe, after all, he thought, that it was all his fault. If he had been faster, then this would not be happening. If he had accepted her request to accompany her to buy a ticket to Bigbang’s concert this would not probably be happening. She would know, by then, at her house, in her room— listening to Bigbang’s songs, just like what she would always do.

            “What is it, Jongin-ah?”

            “Eunmi’s……dead.”

*     *     *

19.11.11

(07:47 a.m)

            Park Eunmi’s memorial service was held in a church which was not large enough to hold the grief of its mourners. Parents, family friends, peers, teachers and neighbours packed into the pews, stood along the walls, spilled out the doors.

            Jongin was sitting somewhere in the back, wearing a black suit which his mother had bought for him for a costume party which she had forced him to tag along last time, but that did not keep him from feeling that everyone was staring at him instead of listening to what the pastor was saying. He was not entirely sure if that was because of they all knew he was the one who had found her or because they could see right through him, how empty he was.

            Can you see this? Everyone’s here for you. Lots of them. He said in his heart, because he knew that she would be able to hear his words, wherever she was.

            His eyes moved around, observing everyone. Almost everyone was dressed in black and the church was so quiet that it felt weird to him. He had been here a countless times before and yet, this had never happened. There was a hint of people sobbing here and there but still, it was still not loud enough that it would actually make him feel like throwing up. His eyes looked far ahead and he could see a lot of people approaching Eunmi’s parents, delivering their condolences to them. Her mother’s eyes were so swollen that it did not look like her any longer.

            He swallowed and jerked his gaze away from her mother’s face, not being able to take it anymore. His eyes then stopped to see his mother staring at him back. Both of them remained looking at each other before she nodded and sent a barely visible smile to him.

            “Blessed are those who mourn,” the pastor read, “for they will be comforted.”

            His body went tense. He looked up, setting his gaze on the pastor’s face, digesting his words. Was he mourning? Did mourning feel like a hole in the middle of you that got wider and wider every time you tried to plug it up? Or was he incapable of mourning, because that meant remembering? Or was it simply because— he refused to accept the truth? He then closed his eyes, shutting the world.

            In the front of the church was a coffin. He knew it was not open. Rumours had flown about that. It was really hard for him to imagine that Eunmi was inside that lacquered black box. That she was not breathing. That her blood had been drained out and her veins were pumped full of chemicals instead. With his eyes still shut, he tried to imagine her in a white dress— because he overhead her mother telling his that she would make Eunmi wear it, eternally. It was her favourite dress, after all. He had seen her wearing that before during their class trip last summer.

            “Friends, as we gather here to remember our lovely Park Eunmi, we are beneath the protective shelter of God’s healing love,” the pastor said.

            “We are here to pour out our grief, release our anger, face our emptiness, and know that God cares.”

            He then opened his eyes, looking at the pastor again. The pastor’s words completely hit him, right at the core.

            “If He bloody cares, then why the hell did this happen in the first place?” he muttered under his breath.

            The pastor looked out over the congregation.

            “The death of a loved one can shake us to our very foundations. When the person is so young and so full of potential and skill, the feelings of grief and loss can even be more overwhelming. At times such as this we turn to our friends and family for support, for a shoulder to cry on and for someone to walk that road of pain and anguish with us. We cannot have our beloved Eunmi back, but we can rest easy knowing that she’s found the peace in death she was denied here on earth.”

            “Bull,” he again muttered under his breath and without sparing any second, he turned around and left the church.

            He could not understand it at all. How could a pastor actually say that? Bloody hell. It did not make any sense at all. To him, it was full of rubbish. He was not even sure whether those words were taken out from the Bible. Such a holy book would never contain such rubbish content. If that was really true, then why must it happen to her, but not him, instead? He had denied the Earth for a countless times already, telling that he did not have the will to resume with his life anymore. Then why must it be her life to be taken away, but not his? The only ambition he had been longing for since forever?

            “Hey, Jongin, you okay?”

            His tracks were stopped when Jisuk stopped him by holding onto his hand. He spared a few seconds to lift his gaze and set it on Jisuk’s face. Behind Jisuk, he could see Raewon and Minwoo standing with concern displayed in their eyes. He acknowledged that they were also wearing black suits, similar like his. He jerked his gaze and he then shied his arm away and continued walking. All along, he walked with his hands stuffed in his pockets and his gaze set on the road. He did not even set his mind of where he wanted to go. He just walked to where his heart was taking him to. By the time he looked up, he found out that he was standing in front of her house.

            His eyes moved and stopped when he spotted a familiar window. The window which she had stood behind it before, every time he was down here, at the exact spot—  telling him what he had missed during classes whenever he skipped schools. He swallowed and took a few steps closer, until he was only a step away from the main door of her house. He knew the fact that there were a couple of souls at her house. Jongho and Eunhye were left here as both her and his parents thought that they should be spared from the grieving. They were so young that they would not be able to understand that it brought concerns that it would probably affect them both emotionally and physically.

            He then lifted his hand and pressed the bell. He had to wait for ten seconds for the door to be opened.

            “Oh, Jongin oppa! Hye oppa!”

            He looked down to see Eunhye’s round eyes looking up at him with a sincere smile plastered on her small face.

            “Hyung!” he looked past Eunhye and saw Jongho running towards both him and Eunhye. “What are you doing? Where’s mom?” Jongho paused to look over Jongin and went on, “You know hyung, me and Eunhye are playing husband and wife. It’s so fun. Do you want to join?”

            “Yeah, oppa! You could be the gardener! Eunmi unnie last time bought me a set of beautiful plastic flowers in pots for my birthday!”

            He forced his muscles to form a smile.

            “Oppa is very sorry but oppa is so tired right now. Later, okay?” he patted Eunhye’s head.

            “That’s too bad,” Eunhye pouted. She then turned around and said to Jongho, “Jongho, let’s continue playing!”

            “Okay!” Jongho replied delightfully and followed suit to the living room.

            When both of them had finally disappeared from his sight, he released a sigh and closed the door behind him. He took a couple of steps towards the staircase but then he was stopped when someone appeared and stopped him from going upstairs, in order to go into her room.

            “Oh, it’s you.”

            He turned to his left in order to take a look at the person’s face. Turned out that it was Ms Minah, the one who had been taking care of Eunmi and Eunhye ever since they were young. He bowed to her, showing some respect.

            “How’s everything there? Okay?” she asked.

            “I guess so,” he answered plainly.

            “Are you hungry? Do you want to eat something?”

            “No, it’s okay. Thank you.”

            “Okay then. If you need anything, just tell me, okay?”

            “Okay. Thank you.”

            He waited for her to be out of his vision before he continued with his tracks mounting the stairs. When he walked into her room, the first thing that he noticed was the scent of her room. It smelled like peach, just like her that it had come to the extent that every time he saw a peach, it would remind him of her. He made sure to close the door behind him before he made a tour in her room.

            He stood before her study table, grazing his fingers against the wooden table while his gaze was fixed on a board pasted on the wall. It was full of her notes, timetable and some pictures. His eyes looked at each picture and when he saw a picture of both of them together, he stopped and remained looking at it for the longest time ever.

            He remembered it so well. It was when she brought her new polaroid camera to school and told him that she wanted to take a picture with him since she said, that he would be her first friend to be captured by her polaroid camera. He did not want to but she made him to by pulling him closer and she then said cheese before she pressed the 'capture' button. He remembered that she showed him the picture but he did not even bother to look at it other than having a blur vision of it as he only bothered to look at it out of the corner of his eyes. After that, he had always wanted to ask her about that picture again, as he was curious of how it turned out like but he did not have the courage to do so as it was something which he was not used to.

            He released a sigh and closed his eyes before he turned around and sat on her bed. He placed his hands on his each side, keeping his body balance as he lifted his chin and looked around her room. He was thinking whether this room would remain the same for the upcoming years. Would her family keep this room as how it was until forever, keeping Eunmi’s memories within the house together with them as they survive their days? Would they cover the furniture in this room in order to prevent it from being covered by dust? Or would they…..empty this room as it would make their journey in moving on with their lives to be much easier— so that they would not have to be reminded by this nightmare anymore?

            He lied on the bed, his eyes boring into the ceiling. He released a sigh and turned his body, her scent which was left on her cover. He thought that, she should have smelled like this. So sweet and peachy, just like always. Just exactly how she usually was. Just like how he remembered not like blood and tears— like how she smelled last night, the last time he saw and held her that had traumatized his whole life.

            He then closed his eyes, shutting the whole world, only keeping him and the scent of her in his dream.

- - - - -

super sorry for the late update. been busy and lazy, obviously haha. and well, hrm

i've decided to change the title of this story. but well, if you've noticed, i didn't bother

to include the title in the poster because i thought it looks much better with the korean

wordings. heee. i hope that you can excuse this. hihi. anyway, i hope you like this update!

keke. have a nice day everyone. (: