chapter three.

20.11.11

(07:25 a.m)

                Jongin was waking— ridiculously slow as if he did not have to attend his school. He had offered to send Jongho to his kindergarten even though he knew so well that it would cause him to be late for school as their schools were separated by a twenty minute walk. He did not really feel like going but when he put more thoughts on it, he should probably do so since staying at home would only cause him to think about her more. Even though he was aware of the fact that the chances of him not having to be remembered about her by going to school would not decrease even a bit, but at least, he thought, he could distract himself a bit by attending his classes.

            During his walk, he kept his gaze fixed on the road, seeing his feet taking step by step forward— remembering the route by heart. Suddenly, his tracks stopped when a pair of legs appeared in his sight. He blinked his eyes twice before he looked up to see who the legs belonged to. Apparently, it belonged to Gwak Soyun, the one who was known with her close friendship with Eunmi. Jongin and Soyun rarely talked to each other. If he were to count, he would bet they had talked three to four times only, excluding the time they had to talk to each other because of schoolwork.

            Jongin swallowed, jerking his gaze away from her eyes and set his gaze on them again. By that time, he could see that her eyes started to go glassy. He was never good at going through this. Hell, he did not even have that many friends and he really lacked of things which are usually involved when it comes to being committed in a friendship. He was known with his unwillingness to open up to others. He had always found peace when he was alone as he thought, there was no one who understood him best other than himself and— Eunmi. He had always asked himself, how could Eunmi, who had somehow demolished the wall he had been setting with everyone could actually make him feel comfortable with her? He could not retrace back of the exact moment when she had gotten rid of the wall because he did not really pay attention to it. All what he could remember was the comfort he would usually feel whenever she was around him to compare with how he would feel when he was with others.

            So now, that he was standing with Gwak Soyun who by now had already tears rolling down her cheeks, he could not help but bite his lips and turn away. Not only did the sight of it cause him to feel uncomfortable but it also made him helpless and clueless, of what he was supposed to be doing. He let her cry for a moment, giving her the space and time he thought she deserved. Out of the corner of his eyes, he could see her lifting her arm and brushing away her tears.

            “I’m…sorry that you had to see that,” she paused and Jongin turned to look at her face. The redness which surrounded her swollen eyes contrasted so much to her pale skin. He swallowed and looked away to look at a pole a few feet away from where he was standing.

            “I’ve been meaning to approach you but I don’t know how. And now that I’ve finally got my chance, I would love to….ask you….something.”

            He turned his face towards her direction and set his eyes on hers. She was looking straight into his eyes that he could feel needles prickling him right to his bones. He brushed his face using his hand first before he asked,

            “What…is it?”

            “How was she like?” she paused, waiting for him to look at her and when he did so, she went on, “When you found her. At that time, how was she like?”

            By the time she had already finished uttering out her question, a tear rolled down her cheek which was followed then by another. Jongin then closed his eyes, retracing it back, as clear as crystal, as if it was giving a gesture to him that it would haunt him for the rest of his life.

            “She was…,” he paused, disliking the thought that he had to use past tense when it comes to talking about her. “She was…..really cold and stiff that I felt like she was a different person.”

            “Did she still….look beautiful? Like she always did?” Soyun asked with tears still rolling down her cheeks except that now, she did not bother to wipe them off and she did not even look like she was planning to.

            Fresh memories of how Eunmi looked like that at night shoot across his mind. He could remember so well of how pale her face looked like. That there was a patch of bruise on the slope of her right cheekbone, forming an ugly map on her face that it obviously looked that it did not belong to be there. It was supposed to be somewhere else but her face. A print of hands in a form bruises was visible on her neck— which indicated easily of the main reason why she died. And that one thing which he could remember so well was the trail of blood originated from the between of her legs.

            “She looked—” he paused, thinking of what he was supposed to be saying. “She looked….nothing like her at all.”

            Soyun cried even harder this time, prickling his body like needles. He remained staring at the ground albeit his vision was blurred, unfocused. He then released a sigh and before he could remember what he was doing, he had already pulled Soyun into his embrace. He did not remember him thinking of doing this. He could not even remember him possessing such courage to actually do this— to someone who he was not even familiar with. But at the same time, he thought that Soyun deserved it because he knew so well how she must have felt— losing someone so precious without even being told to be prepared first.

*     *     *

            He did not remember what the exact date was when they first met each other. All what he could remember was the weather was reasonably good that it was not either hot or windy. It was somewhere in between, his favourite, which rarely happens. It was during fall— his favourite season of all because it resembles him so well. Of how he felt as if he was falling apart, without any reasons why it had to happen, feeling abandoned every single time.

            It was during recess. He was sitting on a bench near a trail at their school with trees planted along the way. He was looking at this one particular tree with its dried leaves falling effortlessly to the ground. He was too engrossed in his activity that he did not even notice noises coming from a field situated a hundred meters away from him with students playing football for fun and the fact that he was actually holding a mineral water and a roll of kimbab which he had bought earlier from the school canteen. He did not even notice the fact that the ends of his mouth curved upwards ever so slightly, not so obvious by having a sight of the scene which he found it very beautiful.

            He was then distracted when he felt the bench creaked and moved, indicating that someone had just filled a spot next to him. He turned his face to his right, catching a sight of her face right after that. He knew her. He even knew her name. He had heard of it a countless times before during the attendance call. Actually, the truth which no one knew, he had already memorized every single of his classmates’ names and faces albeit he had just moved in— had not even surpassed a month. Her name was Park Eunmi and aside from knowing what her name was and how her face looked like, he knew nothing more about her.

            He remained looking at her smiling face for a few seconds before he tore his gaze away and looked at the cement road before him which only then he realized that he was holding a mineral water and a roll of kimbab. He had no idea what she was doing here. Maybe, he thought, that she was trying to make a conversation with him. Maybe she had noticed after all that he was not the type to talk with others. But then, he also wondered. If she could notice all these, then why could not she notice the fact that he preferred to be left alone? Even though it caused her to grow sympathy for him for not being able to make friends? Just like what he was planning after all?

            “What are you doing here…..alone?”

            He swallowed and turned the cap of the bottle before he took a gulp of it. Seconds passed by and yet, out of the corner of his eyes, he could see that she was still looking at him, waiting for him to answer her question. He lifted his hand to wipe his mouth. He then tilted his face so that when he pointed at it by jerking his chin forward— she would be able to see where he was exactly pointing at.

            “Ohh? You like looking at this scene, eh?” she asked while pointing her index finger out towards the direction he had pointed out just now.

            He could see her doing everything even though it was blurred— unfocused as it was seen out of the corner of his eyes. He had always been doing that with strangers since forever. Up until now, he had always found it uncomfortable to look at people he was not unfamiliar with directly, looking at them straight into the eyes.

            Instead of replying her question, he unwrapped his kimbab and took a bite of it. His face cringed when the taste it gave to him did not meet his expectation at all. Maybe it was his fault after all because along the way, he was expecting the taste to be exactly like how his mom’s tasted like.

            “You don’t talk much, do you?” she asked after she took a sip of her orange juice. When she learned the fact that he was not going to reply, she released a sigh and leaned into the bench while adjusting her position. During the process, her leg brushed against his for a split of seconds, disrupting him from indulging his meal.

            “You know, those people…..look like miniatures, right?”

            He hesitated for a few seconds before he turned his face towards her direction to find her staring at the field. He then followed her gaze, observing them like what she did. And then, she reached out her hand, measuring the size using her thumb and index finger.

            “And when you look at them from above, they’ll look like ants, right?”

            He let out a faint chuckle, thinking that she was so random and weird as she suddenly talked about this out of the blue. 

            “Ohh? You laughed!” she remarked while pointing her finger at him.

            He faked a cough and continued finishing off his kimbab. When he had taken his last bite, he crumpled the aluminium foil which was used as the kimbab’s wrapper and took a chug of his drink.

            “Gosh, this is even harder than what I expected. Talk, God damn it!”

            His hand hung in the air, holding the bottle which was situated inches away from his mouth with his face turned towards her direction. He was shocked, that was one thing to be sure about. But when he put more thoughts on it, it made sense anyway. If he were her, he would probably do the same thing when he encountered someone like him. Or probably not— because he had no idea how it felt like to be in her shoes. Because he had no clue of how average people like her would have felt like when they encountered such situation like this.

            “Right after I finish my juice, I’ll leave.”

            And she meant it. Just like what she said, right after she had finished her juice, she sealed the opening of the bottle and got up right afterwards.
           

            “What—” he stopped, noticing that his note was probably too high that she even jumped in surprise but at least it made her stop walking away. Again, out of the corner of his eyes, he could see her turning her body around so that she could look at him. He released a sigh and only then did he possess the courage to look up and bore his eyes deep into hers, noticing that her eyes were the colour of a chestnut.

            “What….do you want me to do?” he asked and he remained staring at her which he was so sure that he did not even blink his eyes. Not even once until a smile crept across her lips, unveiling a part of her teeth.

            “Be my friend, okay?”

            They looked at each other with the same smile still plastered on her face. Then, she turned around and left him behind with the ends of his lips itching to curve upwards.

*     *     *

 (10:47 a.m)

          He was sitting on the same bench, the same spot and was looking at the same tree he used to look at when she first approached him. How their first meeting went kept replaying in his mind over and over again, almost seemed like it would never stop— not even if he grew tired of it. Everything remained the same. He had a bottle of mineral water with the same brand and a roll of kimbab in his hands. A group of students were playing football on the field. The differences were that his hair had grown longer than how it was on that day, his eyes and face looked tired, the season was spring and— most of all, her presence was beyond his reach. 

            He jerked his gaze away from the tree and put the mineral water and kimbab aside. He then leaned into the bench and looked at the sky. The blue sky looked so soothing with faint traces of clouds painted on its canvas. He released a sigh.

            “Are you…..up there? Looking at me, down here?” he asked, paying attention to the time taken for his voice to dissipate into the air.

            “Are you…happy?”

            His gaze averted to a flock of birds flying across the sky, disrupting his attention.

            “How do I look like from up there? Do I look like…an ant?” he paused to chuckle, remembering what she said before, while sitting at a spot right next to him on the same bench. He moved his hand to that spot and lingered his hand over there. He then closed his eyes, trying to compose himself. He let out a sigh.

            “I look like a mess. I know. I don’t want to. But….I can’t help it.”

            Seconds ticked away with the sound of wind rustling against the leaves of the trees nearby, students shouting, asking for a ball to be passed to them and the sound of his own his breathing filled his ears. But he did not want any of them. He wanted her voice because he knew with that, only then his questions would be answered.

            “You must have been so frustrated at that time. Now I know why,” he stopped to open his eyes and look at the sky again.

            “Talk, God damn it, Park Eunmi!”

            He then abruptly got up and left, abandoning his mineral water and kimbab, together with the memories he once shared with her there, feeling angry and frustrated for the first time ever since the day she left eternally.

*     *     *

(08:13 p.m)

            He was in his room, doing nothing. He had been sitting in front of his laptop, boring his eyes into the lively screen and yet, never did his body move. He had been planning to do anything— just anything so that for once, he could be productive but turned out that after all, he could not even lie to his own body. He released a sigh, feeling defeated and turned off his laptop. He then lied flat in his bed, with his face and the front side of his body pressed against his mattress.

            He was not even sure whether he had taken a nap or not by the time he was distracted when his cell phone rang. He slowly got up and reached for his cell phone which was placed on his study table. There, on the screen was written an unknown number. After a few seconds deliberating with himself whether or not to pick up the call, he pushed the green button in the end.

            “Hello?” he spoke.

            “Is this Kim Jongin?” the caller asked.

            “Yes, this is Kim Jongin speaking.”

            “I’m one of the detectives appointed to solve Ms Park Eunmi’s case. Can you come to the station? Because it seemed like there’s something that belongs to you.”

            His mouth parted, as he wanted to ask what could it possibly be but before he had the chance to, the caller had already ended the call. His eyebrows furrowed, thinking and trying to remember what he could have possibly left that night but nothing came up to his mind. Without having any hesitation, he reached for his jacket and went downstairs. After he had informed his mother that he would be out for a while, he immediately went out and hailed a cab.

            It took him approximately fifteen minutes to reach the police station. After he had paid the driver the fare, he went into station and looked for the one who had called him at the receptionist area. He was told to wait at the waiting area while the one who attended him at the counter got him the one who had called him earlier. He did not really want to sit but then, he knew he had to because at least, it would be able to calm him down a bit. He was too busy moving his feet up and forth from the floor with his clasped hands moving similarly during the process as they were placed on his knees.

            “Mr Kim, right?”

            Jongin stopped with what he was doing instantly and looked up to see a guy, which he assumed the detective who was in his middle 40s towering him. He immediately got up from his seat and levelled his eyes with the detective. The detective was wearing a pair of jeans with leather jackets hugging the upper part of his body. Jongin averted his gaze away from the detective’s face to his jacket, searching for his name tag but apparently, it was not there. It did not come to his mind that it was not possible for that detective to display his name when he was wearing a leather jacket.

            “Mr Kim?”

            His eyes stopped with their searching and bored into the detective’s eyes again.

            “Yes? I’m sorry.”

            “I’m Detective Jang.”

            The detective held out his hand and Jongin shook it without having any hesitation. When his hand fell to his side, where it was at earlier, that was when he asked,

            “Were you the one who’ve given me a call just now?”

            “Yes, that was me. Now, if you could follow me?”

            “Yes, sure.”

            Detective Jang turned around and Jongin followed suit, his eyes were only looking at Detective Jang’s back. Jongin did not keep in track of where they were walking to which he was so sure if he were asked to go back to where the main entrance was located after this, he would get lost. He almost bumped into Detective Jang’s back when he suddenly stopped. Jongin blinked his eyes for a couple of times before he jerked his gaze away from Detective Jang’s back and looked around. Apparently, it turned out that they were currently standing in front of an office. Jongin knew that office belonged to Detective Jang as there was his name displayed on the wooden door.

            Detective Jang opened the door and invited Jongin to enter his room while he was doing so. Jongin followed Detective Jang’s trail and sat on one of the chairs situated before Detective Jang’s desk when he received an invitation to do so.

            “Do you want something to drink?” Detective Jang asked.

            “No, thank you.”

            Silence followed suit, engulfing the whole office which Jongin found that its size was shrinking as seconds passed by, suffocating. He was not entirely sure of why it had to happen but he tried his best not to pay attention to it by looking at Detective Jang who was apparently busy searching for something.

            “Can I ask….something?”

            “Yeah, sure. What is it, son?” Detective Jang said while still busy searching for something.

            “Have you found….the criminals? The one who caused Eunmi’s death?”

            “Unfortunately, no. But we’re still searching,” Detective Jang replied with no expression displayed on his face.

            Jongin assumed that Detective Jang must have probably gotten used to this that it did not longer leave any effect on him. Jongin could understand by trying to put himself in Detective Jang’s shoes but he found it really unfair for Eunmi. This was Eunmi’s death they were talking about. Not some kind of a movie which the plot was completely determined by a writer, which a scene or plot could be changed and disposed after it had been written. Eunmi's death could not be deleted. There was in no way it could happen so Jongin wondered why this had never crossed over Detective Jang's mind. That would be the least thing he could do in order to show some respect to Eunmi.

            He then remained silent, trying to compose himself from losing his temper on Detective Jang because he knew so well that it would do nothing but cause troubles instead. Just then, Detective Jang remarked,

            “Ahh, here it is. Found it, finally.”

            Jongin looked up to see Detective Jang flipping over the contents of a file.

            “Here, this was what I was talking about on the phone, earlier.”

            Jongin set his gaze on a piece of paper which Detective Jang was holding out to him. He poked the inner side of his cheek using the tip of his tongue before he took the piece of paper from Detective Jang.

            “It’s found in her book. Since there’s your name in it, we thought that you probably should know about this. Maybe, it’ll somehow help us to bring closer to the finding of this case,” Detective Jang asked, probably aware that Jongin was going to ask it after all. He then produced a cough and said, “Maybe, I should leave you alone now. I’ll come back. Whatever details that you may get from this letter, please do let me know. It’ll just make things easier for us to find the criminals.”

            Jongin did not say anything until Detective Jang made a leave, leaving him all alone in the office. He could not even say anything. He could not. He wanted to ask Detective Jang if he could read this which he recognized it really well as a letter somewhere else— somewhere where he can breathe properly as being here suffocated him. He swallowed when he could feel his throat starting to tighten like a rosebud before he unfolded the paper. When he saw her handwriting, he in his breath.

      Every life has a soundtrack.

      You told me this before, do you still remember it?

            “I do,” he whispered.

      We were sitting at the back of the class, when we’re supposed to finish our homework given by Mr Kwang which we had to submit before the last bell rang. We were listening to your favourite song, Falling Inside the Black by Skillet. I didn’t really want to listen to it but you forced me to by putting one earphone of yours in my ear. I was too engrossed in solving the math question when you suddenly told me this. That there are specific tunes which would remind you of when you felt the happiest— spending your last time with your late grandfather, when you felt like running away from home, when you felt like you wanted to be swallowed by a pitch of darkness, in order to acknowledge whether people would actually bother to notice this or not when this happens.

            The scene which she was describing so well shoot through his mind, indicating that after all, he did indeed remember it. Just like her did.

      At that time, what I did was I only stared at you, your mouth— specifically as I was trying to digest everything and store them in my memories so that your favourite song will remind me of you, the way your mouth moved when you said these things, what you said and— your voice.

            At that time, he could feel his heart getting heavier and heavier, making him hard to breathe as seconds passed by. The office even seemed like it was getting smaller— choking him.

      I wanted to tell you that you’re probably the gloomiest person I’ve ever known but I didn’t do that, right? Because I knew that if I did, you’d take the earphone away from me and put it right in yours, then, you’d ignore me for the rest of the day, right?

            Without him knowing it, a smile crept upon his lips as she was completely right about that part. He had done that once to her. He was forcing her to listen to one of his favourite songs by deliberately putting his earphone in her ear. He was sure that fifteen seconds had not even passed by when she started complaining that the song and it should not have been labelled as music in the first place. To him, it felt like an insult, especially when it was a song which he would always listen to when he felt down. Right after that, he took his earphone and put it on his afterwards, ignoring her for the rest of the day.

      How come, I’ve come to the extent where I know you so well? It’s so unfair that I know you so well and yet, you don’t even bother to do the same thing to me. But, I don’t blame you. It’s not even your fault, to begin with.

            By this time, his eyebrows burrowed, trying to interpret what she was getting to. His eyes skittered around the letters written on the crumpled paper, trying to find an answer but he did not manage to do so.

      Jongin-ah, I know that by the time you’re reading this, we’re not in the same world anymore. Am I right?

            His breath instantly became short, as he digested her words.

            What did she mean?

             How did she know this?

            Was it….a suicide?

            A lot of questions flooded his mind but none made any sense to him. It could not be. How could she actually have a thought to end her own life? That was impossible. He swallowed hard and went on with his reading.

      If I ask you a favour, would you do it for me?

Please don’t hate me.

            Suddenly, everything went dead silent that he could no longer hear anything. Not even his short breaths which had become so loud due to the shock he just encountered. He set his gaze on her last sentence and read it over again and again, trying to understand the reason why she had to write that.

            “For whatever reasons would I hate you?”

            And then, he found that everything suddenly went black, swallowing him as a whole.