I’m so disappointed. I feel like my future was stunted. I think I was too trusting and naive, allowing my bandmates and management to push me around. An Na, our letdown of a leader, had me believe this would be stardom. Then, she crushed my hopes and dreams.

If only she had told us she’d been unhappy and planned to quit, I could have empathized with her. She wasn’t honest with us, and I was one of the first to hear the news. I was in the next room when she was making her statement to that reporter. How could she do that? I was right there. She could have talked to me before spilling the beans to the media. Then again, I’ve always given her too much of my trust.

I don’t know why she’s always been so hard on me, but her brutality with words and training methods made me fear her. Maybe a docile employee is supposed to be afraid of their boss, but I still trusted that she knew best and wouldn’t lead any of us astray. She betrayed us. She betrayed me. I had to take on two extra jobs because she refused to give me anything to do at the company after she withdrew from the band.

When I tried talking to Qiu Qiu and Zhe Qiao about it, they didn’t know more than I did. Yet Qiu Qiu keeps getting an increasing amount of contracts and I wonder why. Is she better at this than the rest of us are? Does An Na respect her more because they’ve worked together for longer? Qiu Qiu can’t possibly be okay with the amount of work she’s expected to do, all at once, with no time off.

The last time we spoke, she was sick in bed, time-managing for the week ahead. If An Na’s trying to break her spirit like she did mine, I think she’s finally succeeding. Or maybe something downright fishy is going on. I’m not sure who to trust right now, so I’ve been keeping to myself. I know Qiu Qiu’s been trying to reach me, but I’m afraid to hear what she has to say. If she’s in cahoots with An Na, I should be careful. If An Na is alienating her and trying to ruin her career like she did mine, I just don’t know how to be a supportive friend. I know it’s not cool of me, but I just can’t seem to pick up her calls.

I’ve turned into a coward, and I feel guilty about it. I’ve even been avoiding Zi Lun, who was like a big sister to me when we all lived in our group dorm. She should have been MissTER’s leader. She’s like An Na, only honest. And supportive. When An Na was hard on me, Zi Lun was always there to cheer me up. She and Qiu Qiu were really sweet, and I feel bad that I can’t be as supportive now as they were to me back then. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe I’m depressed. I miss having a best friend to pour out my feelings to. Qiao used to be that person. After joining MissTER, I’m not sure what happened to her, but she changed.

I started getting that high-and-mighty vibe from her the more success the band got. I was hired to be “the face” of the group, and yet fans gravitated toward her instead. I didn’t really mind until it got to Qiao’s head. Suddenly, she was concerned about...enhancing her face. On the Internet, she started posting pictures of herself in tank tops and shorts, thinking it would give her fans a charge. She was never like that before. She always covered up and was shy about showing her bare legs.

I haven’t seen her in a long time. I wonder if she ever got the double-eyelid surgery she was thinking about getting. The way she was acting lately, I wouldn’t be surprised if she’d done her nose and lips too. I miss her, but I miss the old Qiao, not this stuck-up hothead version of someone I really used to love. Regardless, sometimes, I long to catch up with her, maybe play a video game or two. We stopped playing computer games a long time ago. I noticed that it was much more of an intense challenge to chase zombies with An Na, than to race cars with me. I’m not a possessive friend, so I didn’t let it bother me. They were pretty buddy-buddy for a while, so I willingly crept into the background.

I’m a bit of a loner sometimes, but I do appreciate my friends. Many times when I was feeling reclusive, I’d have to contend with mopey Zi Lun. Since we were roommates at the dorm, we got used to each other’s moods. We often ended up pushing our single beds together so we could sit with our backs against the wall and our legs outstretched next to each other. We’d both put on our headphones, and just be content to have each other’s presence nearby. I miss the sisterly nod she would give me every now and then.

In fact, I miss having all of them as my adopted siblings. Even An Na, before she turned all backstabby and dishonest. Those are the moments I wish we hadn’t lost. I want to believe that MissTER is only on hiatus and not a permanent vacation, but I can’t trust An Na anymore. I miss Qiu Qiu’s jokes while practicing our dance steps. I miss sister-Zi Lun’s home-cooked meals for five. I miss drag-racing video renderings of cars Qiao and I will never afford. I even somehow miss An Na’s teasing when I got too emotional over something small. Whatever bad she’s done, she was the one to bring us all together and give us opportunities we may not have otherwise had.

I’m just down because it ended so abruptly. I want it to continue. I want to listen to our new songs, and be proud of my singing because An Na finally gave me non-rap parts. I want to hear Zi Lun’s compositions make the cut. I want to watch Qiao grow into a person of value who doesn’t need to boost her confidence by getting surgery or woo-ing her fans. I want Qiu Qiu to have enough time to rest so she doesn’t burn out on us. Most of all, I want An Na to turn her mistakes into a learning experience.

Can she prove she can be an amazing manager instead of a sub-par band leader? I really hope so, but for now I have to keep working my two jobs and doing my own thing. Maybe she wants to see that I’m capable of doing all the things she’d hoped I’d do, without her bullying and badgering me. If I work hard at life, maybe she’ll believe in me as a valid member of MissTER. Then the five of us can prove to ourselves and to everyone watching us, that we can fix this. We can make MissTER 2.0 worth waiting for, even if An Na is behind the scenes and not at the forefront of the group itself.

MissTER, let's GO!