The first blow to my ego was when Zhe Qiao was given more attention for her beginner-level musical skills. She’s a multi-instrumentalist, but doesn’t even fully master her favorite instrument. Her viola playing is always just ever so slightly out of tune. I don’t know if she’s a touch tone-deaf or just so overconfident that she ignores her mistakes. I play a few instruments and sing, but I’d never brag or try to one-up her.

The second time my ego was bruised was when Qiu Qiu was put in charge of a sub-unit. I respect and adore the girl, and it wasn’t her fault, but it was lousy of An Na to give her her own group to take care of when we were all supposed to work together as MissTER. I’m the only MissTER member with both life experience and musical training. Qiu Qiu is a professional dancer who happens to be able to sing. I’ve watched her enthusiasm dwindle over the past few months. It’s too much. An Na was a prick to load it all on Qiu and to completely overlook me.

But An Na was often a prick. She was tough with us all, but I think she was extra mean to the one person who deserved gentleness. There was no reason for her to be so rough with Niu Nai. Maybe Niu Nai didn’t stand up for herself enough so it irked An Na and prompted her to keep pushing. At times, what started as brotherly teasing escalated into something much more heartless.

Locked in our shared dorm room, I spent many an evening just soothing Niu Nai’s hurt feelings. She’s a sensitive girl, and An Na was overly insensitive in dealing with her. I don’t think she needed to baby Niu Nai, so much as just be less careless with her choice of words.

Of the same ilk, I don’t understand why arrogant Qiao wasn’t there for her when Niu Nai needed support. Niu Nai told me that they used to be best friends, so I’m not sure what went wrong. Maybe we were all just sharing living quarters with bad energy, though I’m adamant all the negativity began and ended with our talentless leader.

Well, maybe talentless is a harsh word. An Na can sing, but she could use a vocal coach. She can’t sustain her notes, and when she often went off-cue during our performances, or forgot what verse she was in, it threw the rest of us off. Her work ethic was not in keeping with how she expected us to behave. While we were at the gym or practicing new dance steps, she was out schmoozing, having fancy dinners, going to spas and traveling.

How could someone like that be our leader?

She appeared on TV shows to talk about herself or the company’s new trainees. Where did MissTER go? We were the company’s flagship artists. An Na behaved like she was abandoning her own child. She’s an irresponsible mother!

Luckily, some unwanted children get put in foster care. If An Na wanted to wipe her hands of MissTER so badly, couldn’t she have at least had the heart to assign a new parent-figure? Unwed moms under stress with no life experience often do make the wrong decisions. They leave their offspring on a doorstep of a church, or worse, inside a dumpster. It isn’t a decision they’ve made to protect the child, but instead to selfishly rid themselves of the burden. Is that what we were to An Na? Are we still? If so, what did we do to make her feel that way?

Not only is she selfish and irresponsible, but also continues to be uncommunicative. Niu Nai was nearby the day our lovely leader decided to reveal her departure form the group to a journalist. A stranger. Niu Nai was supposed to be family. MissTER was supposed to be a family. So why wasn’t An Na a little more communicative with Niu Nai when she was right there? Imagine how it must have felt to find out An Na confided in a stranger when Niu Nai herself was sitting in the next room? No, wait – I know how it felt – no sense in imagining it. She was shocked and confused and hurt. I know how she probably felt better than the others might. I was her dorm-mate; she confided in me things she didn’t tell the others. She didn’t want to show signs of weakness, or worse, potentially get picked on by An Na for not taking the news ‘like a man’.

A family meeting could have helped if An Na so desperately wanted out. With sensitive communication, we all could have accepted her reasons. It’s not even the why; it’s the how that still disturbs me to this day. I don’t think An Na even realizes why I won’t speak to her. I can appreciate that people make mistakes. The problem with An Na is that she’s never seemed the type to apologize or to own up to any errors on her part. Why would this time be any different?

Maybe I should be the one apologizing. For expecting so much from someone who doesn’t even hold herself accountable for her own actions. Someone like that can’t be expected to run the show, and look out for four other individuals. Seeing her retreat behind the scenes makes me wonder if she can run an entire company if she failed at keeping a group of five people together.