The group hasn’t disbanded. It hasn’t, okay?

Why do they keep badgering me? It’s not my fault that two of them went into hiding and two got really busy. Can’t anyone see my side of things? I already explained how much I had on my plate. I said I wouldn’t let the fans down and that I’d make sure to find a new leader. The leader just couldn’t be me anymore. I wasn’t getting enough rest. I was eating on the go and being pestered by my management peers about weight gain.

How could I keep the other four in line when my own health was falling apart?

I tried to protect my teammates. I wanted to give Qiu Qiu a shoulder to lean on if her workload got too big.

I wanted to shelter my mini-me, Niu Nai because she was always so affected by everything. I saw my own faults in her. I’ll admit, I didn’t go easy on her, but I did it to build her stamina and confidence. Yet she always cowered away and got more and more reclusive

Zhe Qiao was supposed to devote one hundred percent of her time to the group once she graduated from college. Then she was offered a great opportunity to further her education and spent less and less time rehearsing her dance moves or her beat-boxing.

Don’t even get me started on that Zi Lun. I respected her. I kind of looked up to her even though I was her boss. Then she hated how things became, and blamed me. She said I was irresponsible. She often accused me of dragging all five of us down. Couldn’t she see how much esteem I had of her? Didn’t she know I tried everything in my power to promote the group and to keep each one of them happy?

She won’t even talk to me now. She hasn’t in eight months. Qiao hasn’t spoken to me in two. Last week, Qiu Qiu threatened to quit if I didn’t find a way to get everyone back together – with me as leader or not – and pronto. Fans have stopped wishing us well. Instead, they constantly mail-bomb me with emails begging for news. Some have threatened me and called me names. I sit there and take it because I have no easy solution. I don’t know what to tell them. I don’t know what to tell Niu Nai when she timidly asks for an update, wondering if she should keep her two day jobs. Wondering if maybe I’ll happily surprise her by asking her to come back to the company because we have work for her. Or that we’re ready to head to the studio to cut that second CD we never made.

But I’m tired and I can’t do this alone.

Everyone’s morale is low, but they all had a break. I haven’t had one since starting the company. While Niu Nai, Zi Lun and Qiao are on hiatus, Qiu trains the company’s newcomers, gets sick frequently, needs time off but has no time for vacations. I try to do the overflowing paperwork, be supportive to the new recruits, find tasks for every staff member, rack my brain trying to come up with a solution for the long-lost MissTER, and just...

Sleep.

More than anything, I just want to sleep.

How can I balance everything so everyone’s needs are met? Will my ex-bandmates ever really forgive me for bowing out as their leader? Do they think I’m a coward? If I appointed haughty Zi Lun as the new leader, would she even accept the role? Would she fare better than I did? We’re so alike, yet sometimes polar opposites.

I wanted her help, but when I reached out to her, she blew up. Would she be insulted or take it as a compliment that I thought she could be my replacement? I’m not confident at this point that I can even find a reliable new leader unless I pick someone already in the band. Zi Lun would be my first choice despite the harsh words we exchanged all those months ago.

If she refused, I’d prefer to promote Qiu than hold auditions for new band members. We don’t have time for that. Appointing her the leader of spin-off group Coser was a good use of resources, but would she break down before the second MissTER CD is even released? She already gave me an ultimatum, but like Zi Lun, would she be happy or angry that I dropped more work into her lap? And could she handle huffy and impulsive Qiao? I fear our group’s ‘baby’ might be holding open the gates to Qiu’s nervous breakdown.

Qiao has always been a handful, though. She admits to having very high standards, but I think she’s actually snootier than she’s willing to own up to. I think she literally enjoys stirring up trouble, making people uncomfortable, and pushing boundaries she shouldn’t be pushing. I respect her individuality and her right to be picky, but I can’t accept her need to feel superior or to put others down. As her boss, I carefully tried telling her that sometimes she needs to keep her big mouth shut. It didn’t help, nor did it make me more respectable in her eyes. She started talking back like a bratty child. The part I hated most about being MissTER’s leader was babysitting the girls. I didn’t and still don’t have time to babysit unruly Qiao or lacking-in-esteem Niu Nai.

If they each just stepped up to the plate once in a while, I wouldn’t have to do everything myself. Maybe they thought ‘leader’ means mom-babysitter-maid. Mom has a whole company to manage. The maid already cleaned up their messes while they were training for the band. The babysitter looked after them during both work and play. Now I need to take care of myself while not letting the rest of my artists and employees down. I’m their boss and they need me.

The four members of MissTER could make me very happy by supporting their boss for once instead of being selfish children.