you dont have the rights to decide for me, kame. you are not of any particular person to me!

Jin-san woke up to the cold morning in L.A.. he has yet dreamt of the scene from years ago in japan when he revealed his plan of leaving for another career in america.

Kazu kazu kazu. why? why do you haunt me even in my dreams? cant i really be free from you? why do you always have to appear and make that dream the greatest dream then turn it to a nightmare? why cant i be free?

Jin-san thought. he has too many questions, but no answer. he is not sure. he can never be sure since he left. everyday, he starts from scratch. he starts from nothing. it is as if, half of him never left japan. it was as if half of him is dying.

you dont have the rights to decide for me, kame. you are not of any particular person to me!

Of course its not true. Jin-san considers kame-san the most important person to him. of anybody else. he, kame-san, is the sole person he cant stand to be not with.  of all the people in this world, kame-san is the only person whom he can be human with. whom he can be him. 

Jin-san knows what connection they have and it is indeed undeniable. he himself knows that without the other, one would be lost. lost like how he is now. he cant be without kame. kame-san is his sole connection to life. nad he knows that without that connection to life, he knows he will die.

"Good morning, lazy-." Meisa-san greeted her husband with a smile.

"Ohayou." he greeted back.

"Kame-san." meisa spoke cheerfully. actually, too cheerful than usual. jin-san already knows that something is not right, and yet, he cant keep from smiling.

"gotcha!" she laughed. Meisa-san knows what connection there is between the two. she knew even from the start that she would probably look like a pestering idiot upon marrying jin because she herself knows that jin's heart is with kame, thought there is no particular relation between them two. meisa-san knows her place from the start. noone has to inform her. she knows well.

"What about him?" jin-san asked.

"Well, kat-tun is planning a special show in new york. i was wondering if you want to be a guest? i mean a very unexpected guest?" meisa offered, playing with the pillow on her feet. 

"And how am i suppose to be a very unexpected guest?" jin-san asked, really interested now, yet he restrains himself from showing too much emotion. meisa might again.

"trust me. i got this." meisa winked and proceeded for work. meisa never cooked breakfast. it would always be something bought. unlike kame-san who cooks the best breakfast he has ever tasted his whole life.

-

"A new york special?" koki asked the menagement with eyes as big as a plate.

"Yes. we are taking kat-tun to a next level. you are toping japan charts. we cant just let you have the most ordinary show in japan. you need something special for your group." johnny said. 

Everyone was cheering. except for kame-san.

Do i really have to go? what if i see him there? what wouldhappen? what woould i say? what would i do?

"dont worry. we will protect you, kame-chan. we will be here for you." Ueda-san whispered on his ear. this simple message washed him with relief. maybe this is all he need to calm the panicing him inside.

yes. i have them. they will protect me.

Ueda-san knows the real thing between them two. he understands everything though he's not talking or anything. he knows. he's not that stupd not to. and also, not that stupid to make it obvious.  

-

 "akanishi! we dont want them waiting for nothing!" meisa shouted from downstairs.

wow. my wife is more excited than me. shouldn't i be the one who's on her shoes right now?

Jin-san thought to himself. but, what is this? he is scared. he is panicing inside though he doesnt want to. he is helplessly calling out for a help that will never come.

jin-san went downstairs and asked for meisa-san's help to see if he looks good enough.

"they could care less about how you look. imagine a former kat-tun member on the scene. unexpectedly, they will make that show a hit in japan." meisa spoke. jin-san knows what she is saying. but, it seems as if blood is curling up on his head. he needs to calm down or he'll colapse right there.

-

"Welcome to... CARTOON KAT-TUN!" 

"yes! we are here right now in new york for our very special episode. actually, idont know why they sent us here. but, who cares? this is new york and we only get a chance like this once in a life time!" koki started.

"i know right? new york, also known as the city that never sleeps, is one of the busiest cities in the whole world." nakamaru stated after.

"and look who i am seeing at this very cold night..." Taguchi spoke solely to himself but he made it too audible that even the staff looked at the way he was looking and found akanishi drinking a hot beverage and looking at his phone.

"BAKANISHI!" called Taguchi-san as he ran to his direction.

"BAKAGUCHI!" jin-san also called out as he recieved the later with a hug.

I will kill this baka later. i swear i will. koki thought to himself. since the unexpected happened, they had to with it and just make a reconciliation with jin-san who during that time was greeting the members.

"Kame-san." he spoke softly. he knows kame-san can never resist him with that tone. 

"konichiwa, akanishi." kame-san coldly spoke. ice can never be a good comparison for it was colder than ice can be. his smile didnt reached his eyes. something jin-san was afraid of. he knows that kame-san only does that when he is really angry.

jin-san was scared. his panic overwhelming him as he faced the others. kame-san has been cold towards him. he was able to resist that onething that he cant resist before.

"Why do you keep on your lips, kame-chan?" taguchi asked. the rest shot him a dead-glare. it was as if he doesnt know and it was not obvious.

"bakanishi, why dont you stay here beside me? i really missed you, you know." nakamaru changed the topic. 

-

kame-san remained frozen the whole time. he wanted to look at his face. he wanted to touch him and say that he missed him alot. he wanted to smile at him like how he always do. he wanted to hold his hand and never let go. he wanted to just stay there beside him. feel his warmth against the cold night.

but he cant.

his anger is all to much he cant even take a step forward if not for koki-san who always dragged him and stayed beside him. he knows that a little more of his presence, he can just fall onto his feet and lose consciousness. 

his blood was boiling, at the same time, freezing. boiling from the anger and pain that past gave him and the freezing from the emptiness he felt inside.

he wanted him all by his self. he wanted him more than anyone.

now, he knows why he feels empty. its because jin-san has been away from him for too long and he was just pretending he can bear the burden it has though he really cant.

-

fear, helplesness and emptiness consumed jin-san at the very moment he left kame-san's side. he knew the feeling so well. it was the same feeling he felt through all this years of being away. 

now he knows. kame-san is his life. no one else but kame can keep him alive.