With every word I read, my soul was crushed all over again. This was killing me. I’d had to stop and pause many times to catch my breath, to prepare myself for what was coming next in this small little book.
With all the stories I’d read about things like this, about love, these things written before me should have seemed cheesy or not special at all.
This was different.
I couldn’t explain it. Having someone this close to you have something like this happen to them...It was more than I could handle.
I felt absolutely broken as I read yet another page of this horrible book. Nothing else in this world could have made me feel this way.
I was finally nearing the end of his story, but I didn’t feel any relief whatsoever. Just more complete devastation.

And here I am. I’ve written all this down so you may have some memory of me sometime, if you ever notice that I’m gone.

I’ve taken the pills, they should start working soon. Listen to what I have to say.

Please remember me, Jjong.

Please don’t think I’m a bad person.

I’ve always loved you Jjong.

I hope you realize that...

Don’t worry about me, I’ll be happy up there, being able to look out for you.

Please have a good life with her, the woman you love so much.

Love her, treat her right, like I foolishly wished you would do for me.

Goodbye.

The page was dotted with my tears, and I closed the diary.

My heart was breaking, and I felt worse than I ever had in my entire life.

Why did I do this to him? How didn’t I see that he loved me?

I was supposed to be there for him, help him with all these things he was going through. But how could I help him if I was the one causing it...

He loved me.

I should have loved him back.

And I did.

But what about Se Kyung?? My wife. This was the first thought of her that had crossed my mind since I had stepped out of our car. While reading, my mind hadn’t only thought of myself as the bad person, but her as well. She had barged into our perfect life, and I was foolish enough to let her steal me away. I couldn’t believe it. That horrible woman. That .
At that moment, the woman herself stepped into the room, taking in the scene before her. I was now sitting with Key’s body in my lap, pressed to my chest as I hugged him like there was no tomorrow (to me, there wasn’t). She saw the tears on my face and immediately rushed to the bed, placing a hand on my shoulder.
“Jonghyun!! Key....is he...dead?” I didn’t respond. Only aware of the fact that the woman who had ruined Key’s life was now standing in front of me. That’s all she was. Horrible.
She moved her hand towards Key’s neck, meaning to check his pulse, but I instinctively slapped her hand away.
“DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH HIM,” I shouted, tears welling in my eyes again.
She looked shocked, reaching out to touch my shoulder again. I flinched away from my wife’s hand, holding Key closer. “It’s all your fault...all your fault...” I mumbled repetitively under my breath while nuzzling my face into Key’s hair. It wasn’t until I lifted my head to wipe away some of the tears, that I noticed the complete hurt and pain on Se Kyung’s face.
My attitude changed entirely, my glare softening and my deathgrip on Key loosening. What have I done??
“Oh my god I’m so sorry,” I uttered. “I really didn’t mean it, it’s just..Key...and..” I tried to explain the mixed feelings I felt for her, looking her in the eyes and crying again.
“It’s okay, I know...” She replied, her voice shaky. She reached into her jacket pocket to call 911, using the other to wipe away the solitary tear that had escaped her eyes.
I could barely comprehend what was happening from that point on. Some men came into the room, and tried to wrestle Key’s body out of my grasp. I wouldn’t let go. They weren’t going to take my key away from me. However, they eventually pried him away, taking him to some unknown place.
The men could barely keep me still as I struggled to get free, wanting nothing more than to be beside Key.
“LET ME GO!!” I screamed. “HE NEEDS ME!! PLEASE!!” After a good ten minutes of shouting, I collapsed onto my knees, my head in my hands, sobbing what was left of my heart out. I could feel Se Kyung’s arms wrap around me, trying to give me any kind of comfort. I don’t know why I did it, but I roughly pushed her away from me. She landed harshly on the wooden floor, a cry of pain escaping her lips. But the pain in her eyes was so much greater.
More tears threatened to fall, her eyes wet and glistening in the soft light coming through the window.
I instantly apologized again, but she looked hesitant before replying. “Take your time. I know it’s hard. Don’t worry about me.”
And I didn’t. I slept in Key’s bed that night, once again pushing Se Kyung away when she tried to join me.

The next morning, I barely had enough energy to open my eyes. However, once I did, more tears began flowing. I couldn’t understand what was making me act like this, what was making me cry so much over someone who was just a friend, what was making me push away the person I loved.

But you love Key, not her, a small, almost invisible voice said.

“Yes,” I whispered, without thinking what I was saying. I mentally hit myself and used the back of my hand to brush away the neverending tears. I picked myself up out of bed and dragged my weary body to the bathroom. I splashed cold water on my face, hoping it would wake me up out of whatever trance I was in. No such luck.

I glanced in the mirror before leaving, noting that my eyes were swollen and red, my hair a mess, and I generally looked terrible.

I made my way downstairs, surprised to find that Se Kyung was already up and cooking. The delicious smell reached my nose, but it had no effect. I wasn’t hungry.

She watched with concern as I pushed the food around on my plate, obviously not going to eat an

The only thing on my mind was the look on Kibum’s face, right when I had walked in the door to his room last night. He had looked so, so incredibly happy at that moment, even though only seconds after he had passed away.

Yet another thing that now made my world a living hell.

I couldn’t help but blame everything on myself. If only I had known about his feelings, if only I had paid more attention to him, given him the love he deserved.

If only I hadn’t met Se Kyung.

Wait, why am turning on her again?? I stood up abruptly and grabbed my coat, ignoring Se Kyung’s questions as I walked straight out the door and to my car. I started it without a thought, driving (probably speeding, but who cares anymore?) to a bar.

I ordered drink after drink, getting drunk quickly as the world became blurry and distorted. Soon, though, the man at the counter told me it was time to close up, so I gathered myself as best as I could and stumbled out the door.

I didn’t even attempt to drive home; that would only end in disaster. So instead I worked my way back to Key’s house, pausing frequently to get my bearings. When I banged loudly on the door, it opened almost immediately to reveal a hectic Se Kyung. She pulled me inside quickly and started yelling, her voice shaky.

“Where have you been?! I’ve been looking all over for you!” I tuned her out and staggered to Key’s bed, collapsing onto it and curling into a ball as the tears began flowing once more. Nothing mattered anymore.  

Nothing.