Of the many men I’ve had, it’s safe to say that a certain Choi Siwon stands out the most.

It’s curious, really. He was handsome, yes, but I’ve known many handsome men, and after so long, they all blend into one. He’s one of the ones who should have blended, really – he was well-made, fit, with striking eyes and high cheekbones, but not much else to recommend him. I knew many women who thought his face was simply…too much. His nose was too sharp, his mouth too weirdly shaped.

In other words, he was not all that memorable. Is that what I’m trying to say? Yes, I think so.

But that must be a lie, because he has stuck. It has been several years since our last meeting, and yet I still recall nearly every feature of his face with near-perfect clarity. It’s rather strange, to tell the truth. I’m not very good with faces – never have been. It’s always been names that have been my thing.

I like names. They can tell you much, and if you keep a database of names in your head, you will never lose anyone. At least, that’s what I tell myself. As I’ve said, the men all tend to blur into one another at some point, and I quite lose focus on them. They’d find that offensive, I am sure. No man likes to be forgotten, especially if you’ve had some sort of ual contact with them.

Anyway, I’m drifting off topic again. I’m sorry, I do have a habit of it. Going off on tangents is rather a hobby of mine, but that’s not what you’re here for. You did want to know about the man I remember. Not quite the love of my life, no – I’m sorry, I just don’t really believe in that kind of thing! Oh, really, it’s just not very…me. I’d say I wasn’t very good at fidelity, but that’s not what I mean, and I don’t like lying.

So, Siwon. He was a strange boy, actually. Ever so polite, opening doors and pulling out chairs all the time. Some women find that insulting, but I never did – it’s always nice to have a man who knows courtesy – and I found it sort of endearing. He was very – oh, what’s the word? Mobile. That will do. Yes, he did like to gesture with his hands. Every conversation we had, he’d be flinging his hands around like some sort of mime, and I must confess, I did have to hold back giggles once or twice.

He was always so eager. Almost like a little boy, in some ways. Well, not almost. He was a little boy starved of affection. That was why he liked me. I was ever so good at being affectionate, very free with my embraces. It was back when I was younger, you see. I liked being in love. It gave me ever such a rush, and really, there’s nothing like a sweet young man following you around like a lovesick puppy. Does wonders for the ego.

And at that time, I didn’t have much of an ego. No, I hadn’t learnt confidence then. That was something Siwon noticed right away. It was possibly why he sought me out. Neither of us were in the right place at that time, and perhaps he knew a relationship between the two of us would open up…things. Or maybe he was just looking for something serious. I never did know with Siwon. I couldn’t figure him out, for all his smiles.

Maybe that’s why he’s stuck with me. I still don’t understand him, and I’ve always been one for puzzles. An unsolved riddle will irk me for days. I think that’s what he is, at the end of the day. The one man I could never quite get to the bottom of; the one last conundrum in my life. It’s silly, isn’t it? That I should remember him for that! Well, the mind is a funny thing. We always think about the things we don’t want to think about, in the end.

Oh, he was so caring, sometimes. Spent a fortune on flowers and gifts, that one. He could afford it – family money – so I never said anything unless it really was too extravagant. He liked that. He liked spoiling me, it made him feel…useful? I don’t know. I just know that he’d always smile extra wide when I opened yet another gift – I had this special little gasp of surprise, you see, quite delightful. I’d widen my eyes, look up, and open my mouth just a little. He lapped it up, he really did.

Making me do that gasp and smile was one of his favourite hobbies, I suspect. He didn’t have much else to do. Being so rich left him with too much free time, and he could never quite fill it. I should think it left him quite dissatisfied. He was always one of those men who need a purpose, you know? Wants to do something for the world, feed the millions or what have you. It’s very sad, I’ve never had that urge.

Maybe that was why we split up, eventually. Oh, we had a good long run. A year or two, wasn’t it? Oh dear! Why am I asking you? You don’t know. Well, it can’t have been more than a couple of years, anyway. I left him when I was twenty-seven. And I’m…sixty three now, that’s right. It feels like it can’t have been any longer than that. The years really are starting to become one!

So, two or so years. That really was impressive, for me. I tended to get bored after a month, at the most. Lots of men are all the same, with no interesting conversation. I thrive on intellect, to be honest. I like a man who can talk as well as . The ones who are only good at the ing don’t stay long, and I hate a man to take off without even a goodbye. It’s why I do tend to leave first.

Makes for much less messy emotions, let me tell you.

I do miss him, sometimes. It’s been decades since we were together, but oh – he was just such a sweetheart. It’s not to say that we haven’t met up since, though. And we ended up in bed together most of those times, come to think of it. Well, I’ve never been one to leave old favourites unvisited, and if the opportunity appears, what’s the use in passing it up? No, I’ve never been one for Catholic guilt. I take what’s offered to me and enjoy it.

That might be what got me into trouble.