Jongdae had never been interested in girls. Sure, he’d thought some were pretty – even that some were mind-blowingly beautiful – but it had always been in a distant kind of a way. Aesthetic appreciation, not attraction. He’d never really been attracted to most women, although he liked them. He liked being friends with girls.

His ual interests lay elsewhere. He liked men; he knew this, had known this from a very young age. It was just one of those things. Something he’d discovered about himself and couldn’t change. It was difficult, hiding it. Partially because he didn’t want to hide it, and partially because it hurt, knowing that other people wouldn’t understand his simple attraction to the same gender. They’d say it was wrong, unnatural – against God, even – when to Jongdae, it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

So he never told anyone at SM. Why would he? He was only there for ten months before he debuted, and he didn’t really want to tell anybody. It wasn’t as if he had a best friend to tell all his troubles too; there was no one within EXO who would still laugh and joke with him no matter what he told them.

He kept it a secret for months. Mainly because there was no one to tell, and because his uality never really came up. If the other guys discussed a pretty girl, he would smile and add in his own opinion because being gay didn’t stop him from noticing women completely. Sure, he might not have been as convincingly straight as he could have been, but no one was going to question him too closely. No one really cared.

Things changed when they made him room with Yi Xing. Things changed because he was attracted to this quirky Chinese boy. He didn’t really know how to explain it. All he knew was that at first glance, Jongdae had taken a step back, thinking an appreciative ‘Nice’. Luckily, Jongdae had not embarrassed himself with any inappropriate display of feelings, and they had been able to get along.

Which had , because the more Jongdae knew about Yi Xing, the more he liked him. And that was intensely awkward because Yi Xing was taken – everyone knew this, even though no one knew who he was taken by – and therefore had no chance. As if he’d of had a chance anyway; Yi Xing was gorgeous, and he – he was just an ordinary little boy who could hit a few high notes. Hardly anything special, like Yi Xing was, with his fifty-six different talents, and his dancing skill. Hardly anything next to Yi Xing’s perfect face.

Jongdae was all high cheekbones and sharp angles; Yi Xing had beautiful eyes, and a nice mouth, better hair than Jongdae did, and he was funny. Jongdae was not funny. Jongdae was not really anything. He was just the awkward add on to EXO-M, because they needed a sixth member and he had a good voice. He was an afterthought, and it showed.

It showed in his god-awful Mandarin skills, and his gawky attempts at dancing. It showed in his quiet demeanour and his tendency to stay out of things because he didn’t know anybody, and they’d already had the time to form stronger bonds. He’d been proud when he had learned that he would debut after so little training; he’d thought of it as compliment for his singing.

But now, it was a pain because he barely knew any of his bandmates, and they didn’t really care about him.