Today was the last day of finals and I couldn’t be more excited.  Dongrim and I were in a café close to school, studying for our last exam, math.  I hate math.  I can’t even begin to describe how much I hate math.  Actually, I shouldn’t even say we’re studying.  What had started out as an early morning cram sessions turned into our books carelessly being thrown on the floor and eating as many pastries as we could.  However, we told Daniel and Jisu that we would study; they didn’t need to know we were studying pastries. 

I can’t even begin to describe how happy I was Dongrim wasn’t talking.  Okay, actually I’m happy he wasn’t talking about Hana.  I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t hate her, she’s too nice, but I never ever want to meet her again.  He never shuts up about her and every time I snap and tell him to just date her already he shrugs it off it’s so obnoxious I want to punch him.  Because yes, they aren’t dating.  How stupid is that?  They haven’t even gone on any more dates.  He just sits there and talks about the dance routines he does with her and I want to break her little legs.    

“Hey Celine,” I looked up from my plate; “After the exams are over I’m meeting up with some hyungs and going to Lotte World.  You want to come?” 

With the eyes he gave me I almost said yes, almost.  “Sorry Dongrim, I have to finish packing for my flight.”  How in the world did he forget? Jisu, Daniel and I haven’t shut up about it for the past two weeks, we even offered for him to come but he turned it down. 

He frowned and sighed and for a brief moment, I wished that I could have said yes.  But, a four am flight was not going to go well if I didn’t have at least an hour or two of sleep before hand.  “Right, sorry, I forgot.  When you get back we can go?”

The hopeful tone in his voice made my ears red and I held out my pinky, hoping he wouldn’t notice my embarrassment, “We’ll go when we get back.”  He smiled a little and linked his pinky with mine.  I smirked and pulled his hand closer, “But you’re paying.”

Chortling he pulled his arm back, taking mine with him, “Oh am I now?”  Laughing I nodded and he scoffed in disbelief.  “We’ll-” the alarm he set on his phone went off, he let my hand go, and pointed at me accusingly, “We’ll discuss this after the exam.”  Yeah right.  He wasn’t satisfied with my lack of response but grabbed his book and went to pay at the counter anyway.  As I headed for the door with my book, I decided I wouldn’t remind him it was my turn to pay.   

I think we were the last ones to run into class before the exam session officially begun.  I could barely focus on the exam though.  All I could think about was this was my last exam in high school and then it was off to college to do…whatever it is I want.  Having the realization that you have no idea what you’re doing with your life really isn’t wonderful when you’re trying to figure out what the square root of x is.

~~~~~~

Nearly three hours later I was stumbling into my room ignoring my little brothers attempts to play survival with me.  I have never felt so drained in my life.  I would rather take fifty physical education exams again than that math exam.  Letting my book drop to the floor with a bang I shuffled over to my bed, ignoring the open suitcase and collapsed into the soft sheets.  Never in my life had my bed felt so wonderful. 

Jisu, Daniel and I were in the front row of what looked like another dance show, judging by the poster at the front of the stage.  But this time Dongrim entered the stage alone and the other dancers waited in the wings as the crowd roared for him.  I only vaguely recognized the song that started playing but when Dongrim started singing, I was captivated.  So much so that it took me a while to realize that Daniel and Jisu were not next to me anymore but were on stage with Dongrim.  Never had they looked so…untouchable.  A part of me felt proud but the nagging feeling of self-loathing gnawed away at me until I felt like dying.      

I always knew they planned to take the entertainer route those three belonged on stage.  That never bothered me, until now apparently.  Their voices fit so well together and they sang with such emotion that I almost started crying.  Why couldn’t I have something I was that passionate about?  Why couldn’t I sing, dance, or play the flute or any other instrument.

The crowd gave a standing ovation as the song ended but I couldn’t move.  It felt like I was nailed down to the seat.  Actually no, that doesn’t seem right, frozen fits better.  I couldn’t even move my fingers or blink.  I heard them thanking the crowd and then all the sudden my name was being called, but I couldn’t tell where it was coming from. 

“Celine…Celine…hey!”

Flailing I knocked my knee against the wheel of my suitcase and cursed loudly, grabbing the now throbbing spot, almost shoving my suitcase off my bed.  Whipping my head to the side, I saw a shocked Michèle staring at me.  Blinking, I stopped glaring and sat up, “What is it baby bro?”

He swallowed noisily and spoke softly, “David told me to go wake you up and tell you to finish packing, we’re leaving in half an hour.” 

I managed a small smile for him and reached forward, patting his head softly.  He seemed pleased now and jumped forward kissing my cheek hard and giving me a tight hug.  “I’m going to miss you a lot Lin.”  When did this kid get so cute? 

Hugging him back with just as much force, I kissed the top of his head.  “I’ll miss you too it’s only for a month though I’ll be back before you can even blink.”  He sniffled and nodded a little.  I tightened my grip on him one more time before letting him go and kissing both of his cheeks.  “I’ll make sure to buy you something pretty too okay?”  We linked pinkies before he ran out at the call of Marc for a round of Call of Duty before bedtime.

Okay I admit I’ll miss that for the month we’re gone.

Still trying to shake that dream off I started packing.  However, when your packing your mind always wonders or at least mind does.  First, I thought about insignificant things like when UKISS would have another comeback and what book I should take with me on the plane.  Then I started to wonder about what shoes I would need or if I should get an extra suitcase for them.

After a while, I couldn’t ignore the dream any longer.  I was still reeling from it; I don’t think I’ve felt so hopeless in my entire life.  No, I know I haven’t felt that hopeless in my entire life.  How was I supposed to fix it?  Every time I try to sit down and think about what I want to do with my life, all I can think about is how much of a failure I am compared to my brothers.  Even Marc and Michèle never shut up about how they want to be a writer and an actor.  All I ever think about is boys, how much I hate Jinyoung and how annoying school is. 

“Ten minutes kid!”       

Yelling back something along the lines of yeah whatever I shoved the rest of my shoes in the second suitcase and zipped it up.  Maybe, France would be a good place to figure some things out?  Starting with, I glanced at math book thrown carelessly on the ground, boys.  That letter needed to be burned or at least ripped up to the point no one can read it anymore. 

But to my horror as I picked up the textbook and shook the pages no letter fell out.  No matter how much I shook the damn book and flipped through the pages the letter wasn’t there.  But that doesn’t make sense no one else could have grabbed my book.  We didn’t put them in piles this year and it was by my desk the entire-oh my god.

Dongrim has my book. 

“Come on kiddo we’ve got to go!”

What in the world, am I going to do?  He has the letter what if he already found it?  What if he finds it while I’m gone!  What if he gives the book to someone and they find the letter and laugh at my sappy and crappy writing?  Someone shoot me I want to die right here. 

“Seriously Celine we’ve got to get going!” 

Snapping out of it, I grabbed my suitcases and stumbled into the living room, muttering an apology as Richard took one of my suitcases and ushered me out the door.     

The drive to the airport and the goodbyes and the walk through security was spent with me trying to console myself that Dongrim will probably never open that textbook again.  I’ll just have to find a way to get into his room and take it back from him when I get back.  Harness my inner ninja or something.

Okay, maybe I have gone nuts.

Daniel and Jisu were either too tired to care or they really didn’t notice me mumbling to myself about ninjas, textbooks and letters.  Either that or I’ve always been nuts and this is nothing new to them.  That’s probably the case now that I think about it.   I really should be nicer to them shouldn’t I?  They put up with so much if this is normal to them. 

“Hey you guys,” The looked up from their phones, perplexed, “when we get to Paris, breakfast is on me.”  Daniel was the first to smile despite how tired he looked and practically bounced over to sit in my lap. 

“Noona is going to buy is breakfast?” This little knows I hate being called noona.  “I want crepes and muffins and-”

Smirking I flicked his forehead, “Call me noona again and I’ll never buy you breakfast ever again.”

He flashed one of those grins that showed he clearly didn’t care and knew I wouldn’t do that.  He’s right but I wouldn’t admit it.  “Lies you love me too much.” 

Trying to shove him off my lap I snapped, “No, I hate you Jisu is my favorite.”

“Told you.”

“Shut up, you know she likes me best.”

“Nope I like Jisu the best.”

Daniel grinned again and wrapped one arm around my shoulders, wiggling in my lap.  God why is he so heavy?  “It’s alright I know where your heart really lies you just don’t want to hurt Jisu’s feelings.”

“Right, whatever helps you sleep at night.  Now get off me we’re going to be called soon and I can’t feel my legs.”

Laughing, Daniel took a seat next to me still in the middle of ‘fighting’ with Jisu over who I liked best.  I don’t know what it was but I decided right there that even if Dongrim read the letter it didn’t matter.  I would sort of my feelings for him eventually; right now, this was going to be a great vacation with my two best friends in the entire world.  Feelings could wait.  Right?