Daniel and I were officially free.  I could flirt with whomever I wanted I could go out on a date and not have to think about the past and be completely reckless.  It was a Thursday, which meant if I didn’t come to school tomorrow after being ridiculously reckless I wouldn’t miss much of anything.  But I didn’t want to.  I wanted to sit next to Dongrim, listen to him go on for hours about the dance competition he had coming up, and how he was going to make all of us go.  Freedom hasn’t given me that privilege yet.     

So here I was.  Sitting next to Dongrim, listening to our teacher drone on and on about logarithms.  I hate logarithms I do not see why anyone likes them.  Was it my ideal way to spend time?  No, but I would take it.  Now if only Dongrim would annoy me like he usually does.  He’s been spacing out since he came to class, late I might add.  No amount of bits of paper thrown at him could get him to pay attention or get him to stop smiling.  I have to admit that, while he looked adorable, I felt like I would go into overdrive trying to figure out what he was daydreaming.

“Mr. Lee,” When Dongrim didn’t automatically respond Mr. Hong’s face turned bright red but before he could yell I shoved Dongrim who nearly fell out of his seat in shock, which I admit is strangely endearing. 

“Sir?”  He practically squeaked as he tried to compose himself.  Snorting, I turned away, covering my mouth to stifle the giggle.  This really shouldn’t be funny.

“Come to the front and solve this.”

Usually I wouldn’t worry about him being called to the front but with him daydreaming the entire time and the problem on the board looking like gibberish to me I almost tried to take his place, almost.  But before I could think much on it he was at the front looking over the problem.  He struggled a little but whispered help from Hyun, that somehow went unnoticed, saved him from complete embarrassment.  And there go all the stupid insults that were forming for Mr. Hong if he yelled at my boy.  I mean Dongrim.

Not surprisingly he went right back to daydreaming.  Which was fine for a few minutes.  Then my brain couldn’t take it anymore the gnawing desire to know what he was thinking was going to drive me insane.  Ripping out a piece of paper I scribbled, what’s got your head in the clouds? Practically shoved the note into his arm too, I need to work on my subtly.  A few seconds later, he shoved my arm and placed the note back on my desk.  Okay I deserved that. 

What?  I can’t be happy?

Fine don’t tell me like a GOOD friend should.

Awww is Celine curious~?

I’m going to punch him in the throat.

Alright you caught me, now are you going to tell me or will I have to beat it out of you?

Fine~~ I’ve got a date today with an old friend and her boyfriend I haven’t seen her since I moved here from Busan.  Bringing one of my friends from dance ^^

I’ve never really understood the expression my heart dropped to the floor until now.  I know he is a shameless flirt but I had not actually thought of him dating someone.  Even when he mentioned he had a girl he liked and even if this was supposedly a friendly date.  Was this her, though?  Was she pretty?  Did she like to dance and his random cute moments that I always shun?  Where did he even meet her anyway?  He only talks to our small group of friends here and his dance friends.  But, he did say he had some girl-friends.  She’s in his dance crew then she is sure to be attractive.  Okay remain calm, respond as if you do not care, be supportive, do anything because you look like a right now.

Someone actually fell for your cheesy lines?  You sure she’s right in the head?

He didn’t write back, which I admit I’m grateful for, instead he laughed and pocketed the note.  To my surprise, he didn’t go back to daydreaming.  I suppose poking me with pencils is much more entertaining.  And drawing a cat face on my hand.  If I wasn’t distracted I would have snapped that pencil in half.  How dare he think going on a date with someone else was acceptable!  So what if he hasn’t expressed interest besides playful flirting that doesn’t mean he can go out on dates.  Clearly I’m available.  This punk.  Except for the fact, he probably still thinks I want Daniel.  Gross.  This leaves me two options: make Daniel disappear or have the Earth swallow me up.  Wait, no, that’s too much work.  Maybe I should just be happy that Dongrim would be out of my hair.

“You keep scratching at your desk you’re going to make a hole you know.”  What?  Who gave Dongrim permission to be so close to me?  The hairs on the back of my neck stood up and I felt goose bumps erupt up my arm as he chuckled quietly next to my ear.  He knows what he’s doing, he has to. 

I didn’t bother trying to respond.  I couldn’t focus to make coherent sentences and without a thought I shoved him away, making him almost fall out of his chair again.  Good, anything to get him away from me.  Laundry detergent and boy scents should not be this attractive but they are.  How am I supposed to pretend I don’t care about him daydreaming about others?  Especially when I’m the worst liar on the planet. 

~~~~~~

Living with five boys should make straightening out feelings about a boy easier.  It doesn’t.  One being married to one of the most compliant women ever, another who loves StarCraft more than life itself and a dork who won’t let me live it down.  That left the twins.  And they can barely speak to other boys much less girls.  Just no. 

Of course there was always my grandmother.  She’s sweet and experienced and I love talking to her because her accent is so lovely.  But what advice does she give me?  Write a letter.  “You can’t tell him your feelings properly so write them out.”  I grumbled in a thick French accent.  Okay, I shouldn’t make fun of my grandmother’s heavily accented English she’ll find out someone and turn me into a pretzel.  And no one writes letters anymore except old people. 

So why exactly did I have a sheet of paper and a pen out with Dear Dongrim written at the top?  I could see my grandmother grinning as asked me to humor her.  Is it weird that I hope I’m as cute as she is when I’m older?  “Alright fine I’ll humor you grandma.”            

            Dear Dongrim,

            Who in the world gave you permission to breathe the same air as me you are a shameless flirt and I wish I didn’t know you

Okay that’s a complete lie and I shouldn’t even talk about flirting I’m probably worse than he is.  Balling the paper up I threw it across the room, not caring if it landed in the trash or not.  I’ll humor her later.

~~~~~~

I don’t know how many times I told Dongrim that I wasn’t going to his dance performance that I didn’t want anything to do with it.  And he didn’t have to know I was avoiding the girl that he went on a date or whatever with a few nights ago.  So why exactly was I sitting in the auditorium with Daniel and Jisu waiting for his show to start?  I’m hovering between a place of wanting to shoot myself and being excited to see him dance and I hate everything. 

“You’re going to break the arm rests if you don’t let go,” Daniel snickered and grabbed both my hands, practically wrenching them from the armrests and lightly smacked my face with them. 

“I’m going to break your arms if you don’t let go.”  I didn’t even have the heart to be angry at him though.  I was too busy being mad at myself and at Dongrim, but mostly Dongrim.  Maybe I should just hate him full time, which would be so much easier. 

Daniel laughed and let my hands go, “Cheer up; your boy will do great.”  That’s not reassuring Daniel. Now when a part of me is entertaining the idea of him falling on his face so I can take care of him before those other girls can. 

“He’s not my-“ Daniel gave me a ‘you’ve got to be kidding me look’, “oh shut up.”  I give up.  My friends see through me too easily.  I need new friends ones that I can actually lie to and get away with things.  Ones that will not drag me out to places even though I secretly want to go.  The train of self-loathing ended when the curtains finally rose and the show started. 

Dongrim wasn’t scheduled to show up until the third dance but everyone on stage was a member of his dance academy.  And they’re all pretty.  Damn it.  Why do all dancers have to be so pretty and graceful and she’s doing a split in the air, ow that looks painful.  Okay, never ever going to try dancing, I’ll just look like a seal compared to them.  Oh god how does she move her legs like that?  I would break.    

As expected, Dongrim did well.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so happy or so breath takingly beautiful to be honest.  I feel like an idiot for thinking it but really, it’s true.  He’s not the best dancer in the world but that didn’t matter, I would kill to see him that happy for the rest of his life which was honestly a little scary for me. 

He was in the rest of the stages with varying members and my jaw is now throbbing from clenching my teeth so much.  I’m a jealous little brat, I cannot handle this at all and I hate it.  Even when they were bowing to the audience and Dongrim smiled right at us I was still seething with jealousy.  I know Daniel and Jisu noticed, I know they did and I’ll have to hug them later for not mentioning it.

I thought I would be able to leave scotch free after the curtains closed and everyone made their way to the lobby.  Apparently not.  Just as we reached the lobby Jisu got a text from Dongrim asking for us to wait in the lobby, he had someone to introduce us to.  What I did next is probably one of the stupidest things I will ever do in my life.  Ignoring Daniel’s excitement, I pulled out my phone and immediately texted my brother.

To: Richard

Can you call me in about three minutes sounding like you’re really angry in French?  I will do your laundry for a month.

From: Richard

Done, and I’m guessing you want to drink when you get home too.  I’m going to yell at you about furry animals. Don’t laugh. 

To: Richard

I love you.

Not even a minute later Dongrim and a girl he introduced as Hana appeared.  She was a pretty little thing, with long black hair and big, doey, brown eyes.  I vaguely recognized her as one of the girls in the first two numbers and the last one.  She greeted everyone with a large smile and hello and I could tell from her accent she was from Busan as well.  As if, I needed another reason to dislike her.  Just when Hana suggested that, we go to a karaoke room my phone rang.  Perfect timing.  Faking ignorance, I stepped away and answered, turning slightly so they wouldn’t see as I chewed on my lip to keep from laughing. 

“Why are poodles so fuzzy and cute?!  I just want to hug them forever and never let them go!  We should get a poodle or a labra doodle and name them something stupid like Speckle or Pudding!  Wait you like them right?  Hey!  Answer me you crazy girl!”

Oh he’s good if I didn’t know what he was saying I would have been scared.  Nervously I glanced over at the others who looked shocked and held up my finger.  “Yes I’m sorry what do I need to do?”

“Come home, let’s get drunk and talk about buying poodles!”

That really did sound fantastic now that I think about it.  Maybe I would actually be able to get a poodle out of this.  “Okay I’ll be home soon.”  Without waiting for a reply, I hung up and turned back to the others who all looked positively shocked.  I have to admit I am surprised Jisu looked shocked; he speaks enough French to know that was a ridiculous argument.  Either that or he’s doing it for my sake and for Hana’s since I might try to cuss her out if I got the chance. 

Jisu offered a pat on the shoulder when I stepped back over and spoke, “What’s wrong?”

Coughing and rubbing the back of my neck nervously I shifted around uncomfortably, “Sorry, I can’t come with, my brothers want me home.”  I hope Hana didn’t notice how fake my smile was as I turned to her, “It was nice meeting you.”  She smiled and replied as everyone does in the situation and for a brief moment, I was horrified that she probably could tell I was seething.  However, as I walked away from the boy’s curious gazes I cared about her less and less.  All I wanted was to go home, drink wine with my brother, and eat way too much pizza.  Bless him for letting me drink at home. 

And when I got home I wasn’t even halfway through the door before he had a glass ready and the DVD case for the movie Red in his hands.  I could kiss him.  “I’m sure you’ll explain in a glass or three,” he commented lightly as I took the glass from him and took a gulp. 

“Probably,” I grumbled in response heading straight for the couch. 

Explain I did.  Probably not as coherently as my brother hoped but he knows it’s the best he’ll get.  Of course by the time I loosened up and explained that I had serious feelings for Dongrim he was pretty smashed as well.  “A-nd th-that Hanny,” not sure when I decided that was her name, “ is smile-ly I,” I paused trying to regain my train of thought, “I hate her.”

“So, git Dong-im.”  A part of me wanted to yell at him that his name was Dongrim but I knew I wasn’t going to be able to say it much better. 

Then something clicked in my brain.  Standing, I patted my brother’s shoulder and grabbed my half-empty glass of wine.  “I will!”  Though I’m not sure how stumbling to my room was ‘getting Dongrim’.  Apparently my grandmother’s advice was resurfacing as I took pieces of paper and a pen and tried to start a letter.  Not sure what really happened after that.

~~~~~

I always forget that wine makes for one hell of a hangover if you are not careful.  I certainly wasn’t careful last night, it felt like my head was being beaten by a nine iron.  But I think the worst thing was what was stuck to my face.  What had started out as a letter about how much I hate Dongrim turned into a god awful drawing of me with a hammer chasing after what I think was Dongrim, or Hana I’m not sure.  Then again it almost looks like a dog too.  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to explain my reasoning behind getting new paper and another pen and writing again.  But listening to my smashed self, sounded like a wonderful idea at the moment. 

Dear Dongrim,

This is really, really stupid.  In fact I’m probably going to want to punch myself after I write this and you’ll probably never see this so I don’t know why I’m writing it like you will.  Maybe it is my fault I’m like this now.  I shouldn’t have been so rude when we first met and I shouldn’t have pretended that I didn’t care about anything you say.  It’s, unfortunately for me, the opposite.  I hate how much I care about that. 

While we’re on the subject of hate though.  I hate you.  I hate the way you smile so easily and infectiously that I turn to jelly.  I hate how you can be so dorky but so attractive at the same time.  And who told you that it was alright to dance and sing well?  Why is it so easy for you to be friends with other girls and want to introduce them to me?  Don’t you know that I hate any girl that is closer to you then me?  Oh right of course not you think I want to date Daniel.  Which by the way is still gross.  You should have asked me that first year, or middle school.  Even if I wanted to date Daniel it wouldn’t work.  Trust me after everything we’ve been through it wouldn’t.  But you don’t want to know about that.  Or maybe actually you do.  But I’m afraid that’ll make you see both of us differently.  But back on the subject of hating you.

You remind me of Jinyoung but at the same time you’re so much better that it makes me want to hit myself.  I didn’t deserve a guy like Jinyoung what makes me think I could have someone like you?  I hate how expressive your eyes are and the way they light up when you smile.  I hate how nice you always smell.  And I hate the banter between us making me give another piece of my heart to you without you realizing it.  I hate how easily you make me laugh and how comfortable I am with you.  I hate your hugs and how much I don’t want to let go and I hate how you can take me out of my comfort zone so easily and I’m alright with it.    

But I think the reason I hate you the most is because you make me face the reason why I’ve been so scared of a relationship for so long.  I want to be with you, and it’s absolutely terrifying. 

                                                                                    Celine

I don’t know how I didn’t rip the letter up the second I was done.  And I don’t know how I got it in an actual envelope and wrote Dongrim’s name on the front without losing my mind.  Shoving it in the back of my math textbook, I stumbled over to my bed and collapsed.  Screw school I am sleeping for the rest of my life.