Day 244-2

My eyes seem to bulge from my head. I feel the tears welling in my eyes. A waterfall was in the works.

But then there was nothing.

No more tears in my eyes.

No more sorrow.

Perhaps it was because I knew it was coming; I knew this day wasn’t far and that made it less painful. But did it really? 

The moment the love of your life confesses they are engaged to someone who isn’t you, is the moment your heart collides with reality. It creates this effect of pure torture and hell. The world seems like a dystopia; this fear of rejection and agony. Yet when it comes, I feel I’m treated unfairly because only I live in this dystopia while everyone around me is skipping in their own self-created utopias. If love was something I could change, I would instantly flick the off switch because my body might be poked and prodded with needles, and injected with poisons slowly killing me everyday, but the pain this love creates has no contest.

I refuse to look him in the eyes.

I refuse to speak even one word, one syllable, one letter.

My insides are being strangled and twisted into knots; my body is a corpse.

Feeling love this strong shouldn‘t be humanly possible. 

I refuse to let the pain of love harm me any longer; or so I say.

“Kevin…please talk to me. I came because I wanted you to know; I wanted you to hear it from me. Aren’t you happy for me?” 

He has the audacity to ask if I’m happy for him.

Of course I’m happy for him.

I’m happy he gets to see me like this.

I’m happy he gets to see his best friends die before his very eyes.

I’m happy that his life finally isn’t all sunshine and rainbows because mine hasn’t been either. It’s about time reality grabs his face and slams it against the wall because 

I
am not
happy.

Nor will I ever be.

And if I ever should be, the last person on this very planet I would be happy for- is him.

“Mina and I are trying to set a date. We want you there; we want you to come. Please... Will you? I came to ask if you’d be my best man!” 

The…best man? You want me to be your best man at your wedding? Best man isn’t on the list of things I want to be. The only thing I want to be at your wedding, is your groom. 

You’re too dense to realize it.

“Answer me, Kev. We would really love it. Besides, I wouldn’t want anyone else to do it besides you,” he looks down at his feet as he sits in an awkward silence. I don’t blame him.

I let out a small puff of air and rest down on my pillow as I face the window, away from Eli’s view. I feel mentally prepared; my body however, is shaking. It’s shaking out all of the pent up feelings for Ellison and along with them, the memories. It’s time to stop. 

It’s time to let go.

“Kevin?” he started making his way over to me. He sat up by my head, nudging his knees against my back. “Talk to me. Anything. Any word at all.”

“Leave,” Ellison’s heart seemed to sink. He got off of my bed eagerly and sat back on the chair away from where I was.

“I’m sorry that I make you so angry,” there was no sincerity. No feelings or emotion. It was a statement. I couldn’t feel any form of an apology escape those lips.

“Eli-” I sat up and faced him. “Want to know something?” He looked at me, clueless. “I hope your marriage goes well but I refuse to be your best man. You don’t want anyone else to do it? Then I guess you won’t have one. I hope you have a great life Ellison, don’t bother coming back.” I plopped back down on my pillow and huffed. 

He simply stared at me, awestruck. “Kevin…what’s the matter with you? You won’t be the best man to your best friend’s wedding?” he was shouting now.
“NO! I WON’T! Wanna know why, Eli? Two reasons. One: I despise that girl’s existence. Two: I probably won’t even live to see the day,” I angrily responded. He stood up quickly and left the room, slamming the door behind him.

“TAKE MY ADVICE, ELI. DON’T BOTHER COMING BACK THIS TIME!” I shoved my face into my pillow and let out small sobs; an occasional whimper coming out of my mouth. I was done with this. All of it.

As soon as I started crying I stopped. I lifted my head only to be greeted by darkness.

“What time is it?” I rubbed my pink and swollen eyes and peered out my window. “It’s late…”

Time seems to fly when your whole world starts slowly crashing down.

________________________

A/N 
Um. Yea.
Months.
I'm laughing because I started this in 2012. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT. IT SHOULD BE DONE
I'm sending my apologies for being a horrible person /woops/
Hope you all didn't abandon me quite yet.
Love as always baes!
~Parkkimi