I gave his hand a squeeze and he sighed contentedly as we walked through our favorite park. Looking back now, this is probably where I first began having feelings for him. It just took me a while to realize it. What did I do right to deserve him? He was just... so perfect. Perfect for me specifically. Sure, we've had some problems and a pretty bad fight but things always turned for the best in the end. Would they this time?

I led him to a bench and sat him down. It was kind of secluded from the view and ear shot of people which was perfectly fine with me. We were going to need a little privacy for this.

"Ri," I started off slowly, looking at the ground "There's something we need to talk about, okay?"

I felt him tense up and he snatched his hand away from me.

"No Jiyong. I'm going to walk away and you're not going to finish your sentence. I'm going to go home and when you get there you're going to watch me sleep like you normally do." he stated firmly "We are never going to continue this conversation because I want to stay together."

He started to walk away and I called his name. He began jogging away from me and I ran behind him, tackling him to the ground. We struggled for a while, him trying to get away and me trying to hold him down.

"Ri listen!"

"I don't want to listen!" he placed his hands over his ears.

"You don't even know what I'm going to say!" I yelled.

"LALALALA!"

He did that for a while and cut off every sentence I started. Finally, I just slapped him. He stared at me wide eyed in disbelief. I can't believe I actually slapped him... At least that got him to shut up.

"Now that I have your attention, can I finish what I was saying?"

"No! I know what you're going to say and I object!"

"It's not what you think!" I tried to reassure him. Liar.

"What other reason would you have to bring me out here and say that 'we need to talk'?" he tried to imitate my voice.

"You would know if you'd listen," I said exasperatedly.

If I didn't tell him this now I might lose my courage and then I'd have to jump off a bridge. I don't think he wants to see my remain splattered all over concrete like a bug on a windshield. I walked back to the bench and sat down. He reluctantly followed. After he had sat down, I grabbed his face in my hands and leaned forward.

"Seungriyah," my lips brushed against his as I spoke.

"Y-yah?" he stuttered.

I mentally laughed. Why was he so nervous? It's not like we've never kissed before. Hell, we've done way more than just kiss yet he was acting as if this were our first time. His lips were slightly parted in anticipation.

"I'm sorry, Ri." I pressed my lips to his.

He pulled away after tears began leaking from my eyes. I don't think I can do this anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. He looked confused but didn't ask questions. He just wiped away my tears.

"I'm so sorry, Ri" I kissed him again and did so several times until he stopped me.

"Why are you apologizing?" he finally asked.

A laugh escaped my lips and I couldn't hold back the tears. I didn't want to cry in front of him but I couldn't stop. I had no control. With no control over my own tears, I was weak. I grabbed both of his hands in mine and he stared into my eyes.

"I love you Ri." I felt my heart drop into the pits of hell, "I love you so much,"

He gave me a very blank look, like he couldn't quite process what was going on. I didn't blame him. I had just told him that I loved him. We'd been together for months and I absolutely refused to say I love you yet he was okay with it. He was very patient with me.

I myself was shocked that I'd said it. I had told myself multiple times that I would never love anyone again. I told myself that even if I did I wouldn't tell them. I would just end up hurt again. And I always had to be ing right. Every damn time no matter what I was always right.

"You're the most important person in my life Ri. I don't know what I would do without you. I love you and I want you to know that I only want what's best for you." It hurt even more knowing that I wasn't lying.

He tried to say something but I guess the shock of what I'd just said left him speechless.

"Can you talk?"

"Y-yeah."

"Can you answer something for me?" he nodded "Do you still love him?"

He turned away from me. Should I take that as a yes? I was talking about Young Bae. They had been dating long before I even had feelings for Seungri. I knew that he'd still been in love with him when we got together, but I didn't let that stop me. I was so determined to be with my Ri. I didn't think he'd still be in love with him after all this time either. However, I can't just jump to conclusions: he hadn't even answered my question. I tugged on his shirt to get his attention.

"Is this what this is all about? That's all you wanted to know?" he asked me.

The answer to that was no but I didn't answer him out loud.

"Ji, no matter how I felt or feel about YB, it doesn't matter now. I'm with you now and that's all I care about."

"That's not answering me. Do you still love him? A yes or no question."

"Yeah," he shrugged "So what now,"

"You love him more than me, right?" I lifted an eyebrow.

He nodded and I couldn't help but hurt. It wasn't because he loved his ex more than me. Hell, I didn't think he would ever stop loving him. It was because I was about to repeat his past.

"We have to break up, Ri." I whispered.

He'd compared me to YB a couple times and each time he did, I said I would be different. I said that I wouldn't hurt him the same way YB did yet here I was doing it. Breaking his heart and not even able to tell him why. It would just kill him if he knew.

All he knew about their break up was that Young Bae didn't love him. Never did. Young Bae was in love with someone else. I don't know what he'd think if he found out that person was me. He told me that he didn't want to be with anyone other than me and he did a good job at hiding his pain because no one knew how much he was hurting. I knew. I could see it on his face and hear it in his words. He told me constantly that he was in pain but I could do nothing for him so I should just forget about him. I should just let him die.

One day I walked in on him cutting himself. I couldn't take it anymore. Without thinking, I asked him to be with me. He asked about Seungri and I had said I would break up with him. That was a week ago. I had just wanted YB to stop hurting himself and to stop his emotional pain so I gave him what he wanted.

I knew that after I left Seungri, he would just go on blaming himself. He always did that when something went wrong. I figured that one day in the future he would understand why I did this. He loved Young Bae more, right? Well preventing Young Bae from hurting himself is saving Seungri more pain than not being with me. In protecting YB, I was also protecting him. I just couldn't tell him that at the moment.

As all these thoughts ran through my head, my phone began to ring: YB's ringtone. I walked a few feet away and answered it.

"Have you done it?" he asked.

"Right before you called,"

"Good." I could feel that he was smiling. "Hurry up and come back. I want to take you out tonight."

"Alright," I said blandly.

"Hey Jiyong? I love you,"

I didn't say anything at first but I knew I had to respond, "I love you too."

I could hear Seungri's heart break as I hung up the phone. I turned to look at him and I said,

"I'll make this easier for you: I never needed you. I just wanted your attention" I jeered "Now I've found someone who could give so much more than anything you've had to offer me. You're useless now."

You're a terrible person. You should rot in hell for this. You made him love you and then you leave him. And for what? For someone that he loved in the past. Someone that you know you can never feel so strongly for. You should die.

Those were my thoughts at the time and for a long time. I ran off and didn't bother to look back because I knew I would do something I would regret. I've already done plenty of regrettable things, though.

"You'll thank me in the future." I said to him though I knew he couldn't hear me.