Snippets of the Past Revealed III

Key's POV

Her hazel eyes were the first thing I saw.

I smiled and asked again, "Would you like some help with that?"

She looked down at the ground sharply and out of reflex, my head snapped down as well.

What was she looking at? The ground? Or maybe she was just nervous. But.. hey..Isn't that the--

I gave a grin to her and said, "Let me help you."

I went forward to put the food that were scattered on the ground neatly into the plastic bags and stood up. Still facing the same direction, I looked back at her and grinned. Then I spotted something-- or rather, SOMEONE. I looked back to the front and my smile disappeared.

Is this how you want to play it? Well, I'll run away. I'll run away and you'll never find me! Muahaha. Key smirked.

Mae So's POV

His cheekbones are so high... Is this what they call "hot"? I'll guess I'll never know since I don't go to school. I smiled hesitantly to accept his help. He turned around and I got startled. Geez... Why am I so awkward around this guy?

"So, where do you live? Lead the way~" He asked in a singsong voice. His voice is... Unique. Something you don't hear every day.

I like it.

"Um," and with just that, I walked away fast.

OMG. THAT WAS RUDE. But how?? I don't dare to look back. And didn't Juna teach me about not talking to strangers? Let alone bringing them home?! I'm SO gonna get hell from Juna if she sees this. I better get home fast. I thought.

I heard footsteps behind me and soon the owner of the footsteps caught up to me. I looked from the corner of my eye and he was there, the unique voice dude.

"Yah, why are you walking so fast?" He smiled.

Why does he smile so much? Though, that smile seemed strained. Aha. The bags must be too heavy for him. I tried not to smile, but in the end, I laughed instead.

Key's POV

HEAVY. But I tried to put on a smile on anyway. After all, she is my 'employer'. For now. And then I heard her laugh. It sounded beautiful until I noticed she was laughing at me. She must have noticed.

The bags are too heavy. I was just joking when I said that chopping board was heavy in Yunhanam, but these bags ARE HEAVY. I'm a singer. Not a construction worker.

And then I remembered that someone that I saw back then.

I looked back as casually as I can and noticed that someone lurking around. I need to walk fast. I saw Mae So's apartment in the distance.

I ignored her laughter and said to her, "Are you laughing at me? These bags ARE NOT heavy. And I can prove it. I'll race you to that building over there." I tilted my head in the direction of the finishing point since my arms were gonna snap off. Though, I regretted it the moment I remembered that she is often the winner of track races. Oh *bleep*.

Mae So's POV

Heh. Is he serious? I smirked. I won track races before. But it's not like he will know that right? All right, I'll humor him.

"All right." I smirked.

"Ready, set, g--" The guy dashed off first.

That cheaterbug.

He looked back and yelled, "I need headstarts! It's like my trademark of sorts!"

I ran after him and soon, I was easily past him. Juna made me work since I was small and since then, my stamina and work capability was always good.

I reached the void deck of my house and gulped in a huge amount of air. I rested and was looking at the faraway unique-voice guy.

It'll be some time before he reaches.

And I started to remember my past again. I tried not to, but I can't help it.

--FLASHBACK--

I was sitting on a swing. My shoes were covered by sand.

"Where are your parents?" The girl who had introduced herself as Juna asked. "Are you lost?"

My father.. Arguing with my mom, and then slamming the taxi door.. My mom... Red water from her head.. I shook my head.

"What's your name?"

I looked down and jumped down from the swing. I traced my finger through the sand.

"Mae-- So. Is that it?" I didn''t answer.

--END OF FLASHBACK--

I got yanked back to reality as the voice yelled, "Where's your house, daydreamer?" He panted. I laughed out loud at his sweating face. I took the bags and got up.

"Let's go." I smiled at him.

----------------------------------------------------

Sorry I didn't update for some time. I was moving house, and then there was school.. But now there is just the problem of moving all the small things over to the new house, so I should be able to update soon enough.

Since there's no clock in the new house, I got confused and woke up at 4.30am. Then I wrote this chapter :) Gotta go to sch now~

~Aimeki o^o

Edited. ^^

~ Jin Ae (ONEWLOVE)

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Rini6189 #1 Mar 16, 2011 18:18:41

Being a former mafia leader, Juna can be intimidating when she wants to be. I wonder what kind of scheme Juna has up her sleeves. xD In US dollars, a million two hundred thousand is a ridiculous amount for just a pair of designer pants. Onew seems overly frustrated about having to part from his "beloved" chicken. The thing that leaves me puzzled is who could be the culprit if Key is not responsible for the theft. I am curious about Minho's relationship with Juna. Maybe they've know each other since childhood? Past nextdoor neighbors? There are so many possibilities to consider. Even more mysterious is that he probably had a dark past that somehow involves Juna. xD I may be overthinking it. I'm just throwing in this idea for fun. 
 
@ ONEWLOVE: Of course I'm not thinking of unsubscribing. I am getting into this story. ^^ It's too good to miss out.

Rini6189 #2 Mar 16, 2011 17:41:11

Chapter 9 mistakes (Part 3): 
 
20. Onew continued to devour his fried chicken, it’s just that this time, it’s like somebody had pressed the fast-forward button on him. 
Correction: Onew continued to devour his fried chicken. Though, it’s just that this time it’s like somebody had pressed the "fast forward" button on him. 
 
21. Taemin pounced on manager hyung, pestering about his 5 bottles of milk daily. 
Correction: Taemin pounced on Manager hyung and pestered him about his daily five bottles of milk. 
 
22. Key jumped on the manager, nagging about his allowance for new clothes. 
Correction: Key jumped on the manager and nagged about his allowance for new clothes. 
 
23. I dashed to him, concerned with what exactly happened. 
Correction: I dashed to him, concerned about what exactly happened. 
 
24. Manager hyung nodded and tried to say something, but whoever was it at the other end had hung up. 
Correction: Manager hyung nodded and tried to say something, but whoever it was on the other end had hung up. 
 
25. He scowled at Taemin and Key as he pulled them off him, “Why do you only care about yourself?” 
Correction: He scowled at Taemin and Key as he pulled them off him and questioned, "Why do you only care about yourself?" 
 
26. Rules are rules though.. 
* Comma before "though" 
 
27. Onew’s voice thicken with anger. 
* It's "thickened" since you're writing this fic in past tense. 
 
28. I had been wondering if he was a 100% cucumber. 
* "hundred percent" 
 
29. I saw Juna nodding her head in sympathy but she caught herself doing it and stopped immediately. 
* A comma is needed before the conjunction "but." 
 
30. She gave me a cold, calculating look before leaving. 
* The comma is not necessary here since it disrupts the smooth flow of the sentence. To sort out this confusion about whether the comma is needed, try replacing the comma between two adjectives in your mind and think of whether it sounds awkward that way to you as you say it aloud. (Example: stupid brown chicken)

Rini6189 #3 Mar 16, 2011 17:39:45

Chapter 9 mistakes (Part 2): 
 
10. “Give some thought. Whatever personal thing that’s bothering you, solve it first before you start to hurt somebody,” he gave me a pat on the back before exiting the kitchen himself. 
Correction: "Give it some thought. Whatever personal thing is bothering you, solve it first before you start to hurt somebody," he advised. Then he gave me a pat on the back before exiting the kitchen himself. 
* Refer back to #9 regarding separate paragraphs. 
 
11. “Stop right there,” a voice shouted from behind me. 
Correction: “Stop right there!" A voice shouted from behind me. 
 
12. “Hey, Juna. Long time no see,” surprise laced my voice as I smiled at her, memories came flooding back. 
Correction: “Hey, Juna. Long time no see,” I greeted her. Surprise laced my voice as I smiled at her and memories came flooding back. 
*Dialogues are always separate from paragraphs. 
 
13. I can still recognize your face, but somehow, you changed… 
Correction: I can still recognize your face, but somehow you've changed… 
 
14. her voice changed from the fake ectasy to a sarcastic and deep tone. 
Correction: Her voice changed from a fake ecstasy to a sarcastic deep tone. 
 
15. You eavesdropped on us eh. 
Correction: You eavesdropped on us, eh? 
 
16. I’m still better though. 
* A comma should be put before "though." 
 
17. suspicion deepen my already low voice, 
Correction: I questioned with suspicion deepening my already low voice. 
 
18. Onew’s face dropped with the chicken halfway into his mouth, Key stopped flipping through a fashion magazine, Taemin stopped poking Onew to give him some chicken. 
* You forgot to add the conjunction "and" before "Taemin." 
 
19. I was just staring at manager hyung. 
* "Manager" should be capitalized since it's the title they refer to him as though it's a name.

Rini6189 #4 Mar 16, 2011 17:38:18

Chapter 9 mistakes: 
 
1. And since they were idols, and they are obviously under my control, why not grab the chance to make money? 
Correction: Since they are idols and they are obviously under my control, why not grab the chance to make money? 
 
2. “I need you guys to work for me. If you say no, I’ll kill you. If you say yes, well, you won’t die. You’ll just be in hell,” I requested sweetly; a sweet, innocent smile plastered on my face. 
Correction: “I need you guys to work for me. If you say 'no,' I’ll kill you. If you say 'yes,' well, you won’t die. You’ll just be in hell,” I requested sweetly. A sweet innocent smile was plastered on my face. 
 
3. “So… Shall we say yes or no?” 
Correction: “So… Shall we say 'yes' or 'no'?” 
 
4. “No,” me, Jonghyun, Minho and Taemin replied in synch, firm on our stand. 
Correction: “No,” Me, Jonghyun, Minho and Taemin replied in synch; firm on our stand. 
 
5. “Good,” her head bobbed up and down in approval. 
Correction: “Good,” she uttered as her head bobbed up and down in approval. 
* Bobbing is not a verbal action. 
 
6. How much problems are you going to give us? 
Correction: How many problems are you going to give us? 
* "Much" is used to refer to a certain amount or number of something and a limit or a restriction of the amount is implied. (How much money do I owe you?) "Many" is a broad term that doesn't refer to a specific amount of something and there's no limit involved as though it's immeasurable. 
 
7. I smiled sheepishly as I remembered that heartstopping10 million dollar pants. 
Correction: I smiled sheepishly as I remembered that heart-stopping ten-million-dollar pants. 
* Numbers should be spelled out in writing. 
 
8. “Okay, okay, we get it. Stop nagging,” Onew grinned a cheeky smile before escaping with Taemin. 
Correction: Onew responded to cut me off. He grinned a cheeky smile before escaping with Taemin. 
* The second sentence should be written as a separate paragraph from the dialogue.

Rini6189 #5 Mar 13, 2011 05:59:49

@ ONEWLOVE: The poster looks nice. It seems that you friend must've done a good job in putting it together. Way to add your "color" into the story. Colorcoding things do make it nice to look at and it also makes the page less dull. Yellow is hard to read on a bright or clear background. Any color except yellow should be fine.

Rini6189 #6 Mar 2, 2011 11:08:30

@ Aimeki: I see. Foreigners do tend to have a hard time speaking English fluently. Whatever you need help understanding, I'll do my best to explain it to you. Quotation marks ("") are placed before and after the dialogue, the part that the character is speaking. In that sentence, a question mark is an example of a punctuation mark. The other known punctuation marks are periods, exclamation points, apostrophes, commas, hyphens, colons, and semicolons. Not all punctuation marks are used at the end of sentences. The third Chapter Four mistake that I pointed out should be invalid. In a dialogue or a quote, the punctuation mark at the end should always be placed before the second set of quotation marks. It's something that my an English teacher of mine in high school mentioned. You'll also notice this in English books/novels where the authors wrote the dialogues and quotes. 
 
Since Mae So doesn't know anything about guys from not being in school, she won't be able to judge them before getting to know them. Having a nonprejudiced mind, she seems to be a carefree person. 
 
I hope you're learning from the mistakes that I pointed out. 
 
Studying is first on your priority list when you have upcoming tests. Good luck! ^^ 
 
Yep! Your co-author definitely did a good job on it. 
 
@ ONEWLOVE: Hi! I don't mind the change in style. Different can be good. The combination of your efforts make for some good and better chapters to look forward to reading.

Rini6189 #7 Mar 2, 2011 11:04:12

After reading this chapter, it turns out that my previous perception of Juna is wrong. She actually wants to help Mae So with improving her image. It is nice of her to go through such lengths for her. From the intimidating aura that she gives off around Key and the rest of the guys, she acts like an overprotective big sister towards Mae So. It gives me the impression that Juna might be threatening the guys with something if things don't end up well between Mae So and them. That's something I'd expect coming from a former mafia leader.

Rini6189 #8 Mar 2, 2011 02:09:59

Chapter 7 mistakes (Part 3): 
 
16. She trimmed it to reach my shoulders, compared to my old long waist-length hair. 
Correction: She trimmed it to reach my shoulders, which is a contrast to my old long waist-length hair. 
* "Contrast" refers to how one thing is different from another. 
 
17. I pulled a what-the-hell-are-you-serious look as she pointed to the fitting room. 
Correction: I pulled a "What the hell! Are you serious?" look as she pointed to the fitting room. 
 
18. "You look like you died and got revived through a very painful method." Key joked. 
Correction: "You look like you died and got revived through a very painful method," Key joked. 
 
19. He plastered on an enthusiastic smile when he saw Juna standing near the kitchen entrance, tapping her feet on the marble floor. 
* The comma is not necessary here. 
 
20. "Don't make me wait." She muttered loud enough for Key to hear with a dangerous edge and entered the kitchen. 
Correction: "Don't make me wait," she muttered loud enough for Key to hear with a dangerous edge and entered the kitchen. 
 
These are all the mistakes I've found for you, Aimeki. It's a little less than what I saw last time. You're getting a little better at writing. Maybe you have your co-author, OnewLove, to thank for it.

Rini6189 #9 Mar 2, 2011 02:04:44

Chapter 7 mistakes (Part 2): 
 
10. "I think a change of apartment is necessary." He continued. 
Correction: "I think a change of apartment is necessary," he continued. 
* In this case, the dialogue should've ended with a comma instead of a period because there's a subject (he) after it. 
 
11. She'll be so different that no one can recognise her at all. 
* In American English, it's spelled "recognize." If you're writing in Australian English, then the spelling is correct. 
 
12. Something stuck around my mind the whole time we were "shopping". 
Correction: Something stuck around my mind the whole time we were "shopping." 
 
13. The hair stylist pulled and snipped my hair into many different angles. 
Correction: The hairstylist pulled and snipped my hair in many different angles. 
 
14. For someone so small size, she really do have a lot of energy. 
Correction: For someone so small in size, she really does have a lot of energy. 
 
15. When the stylist held the mirror in front of me, I took a look at my hair and I have to say, Wow. 
Correction: When the stylist held the mirror in front of me, I took a look at my hair and I have to say, "Wow."

Rini6189 #10 Mar 2, 2011 02:03:11

Chapter 7 mistakes: 
 
1. I complained, as I struggled against her strong hold on my wrist. 
* The comma is not necessary here. 
 
2. "A Makeover," Juna unnie said non-chalantly. 
Correction: "A makeover," Juna-unnie said nonchalantly. 
 
3. Juna loosen her hold on my wrist as she stopped. 
Correction: Juna loosened her hold on my wrist as she stopped. 
 
4. Polka-dots with a frumpy granny dress? 
* It's written as "polkadots" without a hyphen since it's a noun in this sentence. 
 
5. I didn’t have time to read her expression; she grabbed my wrist once again and dragged me behind her. 
Correction: I didn’t have time to read her expression. She grabbed my wrist once again and dragged me behind her. 
* These phrases are better written as two separate sentences because of different subject pronouns ("I" and "She"). 
 
6. I stared into her back as she dragged me, nervousness emitted from her back. 
Correction: I stared at her back, which emitted nervousness, as she dragged me. 
* To combine this into one sentence where you don't repeat the same words, you add the phrase after the repeated words in the second phrase ("her back") and insert the commas to make it seem separate from the first phrase since it's serving as an interruption from the main point of the sentence. 
 
7. Worry started to fill me but she looked back and gave me a smile. 
* A comma is needed before the conjunction "but." Without a pause there, the sentence doesn't seem to flow smoothly and that makes it a run-on. The phrase starting from "but" to the end of this sentece is called a dependent clause. 
 
8. It just that… 
Correction: It's just that… 
 
9. "For me to know and for you to find out," he chided. 
Correction: "That's for me to know and for you to find out," he chided.