Chapter One – Jaded

Grey.

It was such an unassuming colour, the way it chose not to seek attention, preferring to hide quietly in the background. He was sure that if it were not so shy, it would’ve made a magnificent colour. Not flashy, like gold, but reserved, like its cousin silver. Poised, subtle and elegant, the way every colour should be, if he had his way.

Although the colour appealed to him, he had no experience with it. He had come across a variety of colours in his lifetime: zany yellows, passionate reds and pubescent pinks, and to his disgust, more than his fair share of flashy golds and aristocratic purples. So of course, a shy colour like grey appealed to him very much.

However, no matter how novel it was, like all ideas, feelings and desires, the colour grey became jaded with routine. Even so, he couldn’t find it in his heart to tell him, that poor man. He just couldn’t break that poor man’s heart. Perhaps it was the look of pure and absolute bliss, the very look found in newlyweds, which rendered him useless with guilt. Because every time he tried to break it off, that poor man’s smile stirred up such troublesome feelings, and in the end, he just let it go and paid for their date. And so, he retreated to sleeping around to numb the guilt.

I’m so sorry, Yixing-ah.

Every night, it would be a different man. If he was feeling adventurous, it would be up to three men in one night. Sometimes, it would be the same man for a few consecutive nights. Now, in respect to his boyfriend, he made sure that the men he fooled around with knew neither of them personally. A mutual acquaintance was a big no-no. He also did not care for men of the night. That was more of a personal standard, really.

So in the end, he was right back at where he started: a lone swimmer amongst a multitude of nauseas colours.

I don’t deserve you, Yixing.

“Honey, are you okay?” A sweet, lilting voice jolted him out of his reverie.

He offered the man a reassuring smile. “I’m fine. Why?”

The man bit his lip. It would have been a cute gesture if he had been better looking. “Well, I’ve been talking rather enthusiastically about my new research, and you’ve been staring at your soup like it was the gateway to heaven.” He slid his thickly-framed glasses further up his nose bridge, sighing. “I’m sorry, am I boring you?”

He shook his head. “No, of course not! I’m just thinking about how much of a prodigy you are. It still amazes me, you know.”

It was a lame excuse and he knew it. But it was better than the truth. And truthfully, he was looking forward to spending the night with a Huang Zitao. There was so much pent-up guilt that he needed to release. Besides, Zitao was a good looking fellow, and he really needed some eye candy right now. It also didn’t hurt that he was an adorable baby blue.

The man smiled shyly, a faint dusting of red on his cheeks. “Wufan, you flatter me. But thank you.”

He smiled. “Any time.” He reached over and slightly touched his date’s hair. “I’ve also been thinking about how good you’ll look with a haircut.”

Yixing wrinkled his nose. “Are you trying to get me to cut my hair again? You know that if I cut my hair like your magazines suggest, the fringe will get in the way of my eyes. It won’t be practical for my work at all.”

“Well, you don’t need to cut a fringe like that magazine says.” He rolled his eyes. “Just a little shorter will do. And even if you do get a fringe, you can always buy a headband to keep it out of the way.”

Yixing sighed. “I’m already wearing the clothes you buy me, and I’m also considering getting contact lenses, like you suggested.” He took a sip of his wine, swallowing it with a look of discomfort. “Even though I’m working tomorrow, I’m also drinking alcohol on this date because you said it was the social norm. Can I at least keep a part of me unchanged?”

Wufan scoffed. “Work. That’s all you talk about these days. Sometimes I wonder if you even care for me at all.”

“Of course I do.” Yixing gingerly touched his hand. “I know you hear it all the time, but I’m really lucky to have you. Sometimes I still wonder if this is all a dream, a really good dream.”

Wufan rolled his eyes again, picking up his knife and fork. “You sound so corny, you know that?”

Yixing lowered his head, slowly taking a bite of his meal. It was superb, like food from expensive restaurants were supposed to be. “And you take me to expensive restaurants. That is the epitome of a corny date, am I wrong?”

Wufan shrugged, cutting up his steamed chicken.

Yixing put down his cutlery. He laughed gently. “I’m just jesting.”

“I know.”

For a moment, he wanted to believe that he still had feelings for him. He wanted to believe that his gentle laughter was still a lilting melody, that his awkward way of speaking was still lyrics from a new song, that his clumsy way of dressing was a breath of fresh air from all the pretentiousness that surrounded him. He desperately, guiltily wanted to believe that grey was still an attractive colour. That even though it was unconventional, it was still attractive. That it was attractive because it was unconventional.

“You know I love you right?”

But, deep inside his heart, he knew that from the very beginning, he never found the colour grey attractive at all. It was only the better option. It was better than the dark confines of loneliness.

“Of course.” He answered, gently caressing his lover’s face. “I love you too.”

Colours never lie. But I don’t want to go back to black.

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Author's notes: I'm so sorry for the long wait! But, here it is, chapter one is finally uploaded. Thank you all for subscribing and commenting, and most of all, waiting patiently. Please look forward to chapter two! ^^