I didn’t know what kind of reply I expected from Jin Woon. Maybe I wasn’t anticipating any kind of response. Although these situations didn’t occur frequently but I definitely was familiar with this helpless limbo – there was nothing I could do to change things. So I just did nothing.

This was a lesson I had learnt the painful way. Something that I had squashed and buried deep in the core of soul – it wasn’t what I liked to revisit but I forced myself to revisit it when the need arose - like in this instance. When Kris started high school, it was the first we had attended different schools - there was a certain freedom that I relished. I took advantage of this to widen my social circle. A younger foreign student eating alone in the canteen on the first day of term had caught my eye. Taemin’s father had been posted to Beijing for work and the entire family been uprooted from Seoul.

He had the cutest little face and could do a mean imitation of Michael Jackson’s moonwalk. We got along like a house on fire and for days, all I would speak about was my new best friend - after school, during dinner, when I was getting ready for bed. I was too young and innocent to sense my mother’s growing displeasure at the developing close bond between Taemin and me. That one day when I asked Taemin to come home with me so I could show off my new toy was a big mistake. My mother had been her usual gracious host laying out cookies for her little guest. Except after I waved goodbye to Taemin by the door, I turned to see her face uncharacteristically sour. She gave me silent treatment as I cleared the toys on the floor and then beckoned me to sit down next to her on the sofa.

My mother then proceeded to chastise me for more than an hour about how unbecoming it was for a lady to be so chummy with another male when she was engaged to be someone else. I was only a teenager but I understood that there was no messing with my mother when she took that tone with me. I managed to convey to Taemin somehow that we could no longer be pals and from then on, kept to myself at school.

Perhaps that was the reason why I chose to come to Seoul, despite not knowing the language or anyone here. A part of me, probably the stubborn 14-year-old inside still missed Taemin and what could have been; with the naive belief that one day I bump into my lost friend on the crowded streets.

Despite my misgivings, I almost fell off my chair when Jin Woon’s reply came in. “OK. How about we have dinner tomorrow then?”

I re-read the text message. Was Jin Woon asking me out? I had never been on a date before. Luna did – she had more than a few suitors although my roommate seemed to only have eyes for the blue-eyed boy of the Business school Lee Jinki, better known as Onew. Yet that didn’t stop her from accepting bouquets and going out for movies with the rest.

I had never been in this position before. It wasn’t that I was on the prowl but Korean men just weren’t drawn to girls who had short hair and preferred pants to dresses. Funny, this queer feeling that bubbled was an entirely different emotion that I felt with Kris.

Who at this point of time decided to pop up on my screen. “Amber!” I almost dropped my mobile at the sound of Kris’ voice. He was obviously excited about this party that he was organising with his friends, what he called “the party to end it all”. Zoning out when he spoke about the DJ equipment he had rented, I pondered over what to reply Jin Woon.

“Yiyun!” Kris was annoyed, one glance of his face revealed everything. “Why are you so distracted today?” He demanded, waving his hands at the camera on his own laptop – I couldn’t seem to hide anything from him even virtually.

“Yes, Wu Fan?” I swung my focus back to my oldest friend, sheepish.

Satisfied to have my full attention, he exclaimed, “I can’t wait for Winter break. I seem to be missing you much more this semester, I wonder why.”

Looking straight into his brown almond eyes that glittered with warmth, the familiarity of it all seemed to engulf me and soon I remembered what my mother had told me a long time ago – I was meant to be with Kris.

“Are you missing me too, Am?” He asked, in that annoying childish tone he knew would get him his way with me anytime. “Are you counting down the days to the holiday too?”

So this was it, deep down, I realised that despite whatever tiny twinge I felt for anyone else, it would never come to fruition because at the end of the day, Kris would always be there. And I loved Kris. I had to.

Summoning all the cheer I possibly could at that moment, I nodded. “Yes. Of course.” There, that was the answer to my own internal struggle.

Later that night, lying on my bed, sleepless, I typed out a quick message and pressed the “send” button before any regret could set in – ‘I’m sorry. I can’t.”