The sun came up as the sobbing quieted down. Kris was still hugging me where we had collapsed. My initially squatting legs had given way and we both ended up sitting on the cold floor, with me the man’s hair and whispering repeatedly that I would never leave him. He was distraught but had eventually calmed down. I couldn’t coax him to take a much-needed shower though so we both fell onto the bed still clutching on to each other.

I had never been held by him so tightly before and he kept me snug in his embrace as he finally drifted off to sleep. My exhausted mind could not convince my body that I needed rest. Kris’ audible breathing accompanied me as I stared straight into space, mentally reeling over the drama of the night. The warmth of my oldest friend enveloped me – I did feel safe with Kris of course, he had been my rock since we were kids. I knew every single inch of his body like my own, even when we have been apart for some time, I could always pinpoint where his sweet spots were.

I had a simple concept of love – I witnessed the tender way that Uncle and Auntie Wu held hands when they went for their evening walks and how my mother dusted my father’s picture every morning. Kris and I shared the same kind of moments as we grew older. Without any real courtship, we naturally transited into lovers from childhood friends.

Yet, Jin Woon, Jin Woon gave me another sort of security. He may be a retired gangster and I have seen him in action, it may not have been pretty but for some reason I couldn’t put my finger on, I was certain that he would never put me in any sort of danger.

We shared a quiet kind of chemistry that was unlike the unspoken one that Kris and I had. My oldest friend and I had a telepathy that had been moulded through years and proximity. I realised when I lived apart from him, I started sharing less with Kris - not because I had anything to hide but because I wanted to have an experience or emotion that wasn’t tied to him.

The connection Jin Woon and I had been instantaneous. He had somehow managed to worm his way into my heart without much fuss and had planted himself there – and my gut feel was that his imprint was there for good.

Jin Woon had unwittingly opened the doors to a different life that I could only have a peek at. The kind of happiness and anticipation that Jin Woon brought me was beyond whatever I had ever desired and now I did want it, very much indeed.

Except I couldn’t break Kris’ heart.

And my oldest friend did mean everything to me. I may have seen the possibilities that the world outside Beijing bore when Kris went off to university and I had wanted to forged my own little sanctuary in Seoul but my future’s husband’s devotion to me was something I had underestimated. Especially after the horrid episode tonight, I knew that there was no way I could ever, ever walk away from Kris.  

So I had to walk away from what could possibly be the next best thing to happen to me.

Kris was greatly shaken. The next few days, he reverted to a spoilt child and wouldn’t let me out of his sight. It was a good thing that the semester was over. I would have done anything to make him smile then and when he asked me to spend the second semester of my second year in California, I couldn’t hesitate. Typically I would have balked and protested. Only his nightmares that started the night after prevented me from doing so - the man’s whimpering would wake me up and I ended having to soothe him and pat his back like a big baby.

Of course I said yes. Kris then made use of Uncle Wu’s contacts to arrange for my transfer immediately. In order to make sure that I had my place in the university’s social sciences faculty, he flew back to the States to personally settle everything, leaving me in Seoul to pack my things and tie up any loose ends before we congregated back home for Christmas.

“So you are going to the States next year?” Luna pouted, helping me fold my T-shirts.

Kneeling on the floor to tape the carton boxes that the moving company had provided, I stuck out my lower lip too to show that I was equally upset. This was the only way I could make things up to Kris and as reluctant I was to leave my friends in Seoul, maybe my disappearance would be the better for my own broken heart.

“I’m sorry babe,” I put the stack of clothing into the box. “But Kris asked me and I couldn’t refuse.”

My roommate reached over to give me a hug and simply said, “I will miss you.” She must have noticed my drop in energy since last’s week party and thankfully didn’t question my sudden move. Amazingly, Luna didn’t badger me more on the reason for this bombshell and accepted that she would be roommate-less