I’d been sat on the floor outside Zelo rooms for about an hour and a half now and not a single person had come out. Himchan who had came to sit with me kept saying that was a good thing. He said if anything had happened they’d have come out and told me by now.

I was resting my eyes with my head on his shoulder and my arms wrapped round his waist.

‘How are the rest of the guys?’ I asked for the first time since they entered the hospital.

‘They’re all fine. In fact the doctors said they can leave soon. Except Jongup who needs to stay in a little long so they can tend to the cuts on his legs’

‘Will he be alright. I mean will he still be able to dance’

‘Oh yeah there’s no really damage just a minor injury to him ha-ha’ his laughed sounded strange echoing off these walls. I didn’t feel like laughing but I did smile at him.

‘Himchan could you do me a favour?’ I looked at the wall opposite while speaking.

‘Sure anything’ he rubbed the top of my arm and kissed my head.

‘Can you just say ‘everything will be ok’ to me. Even if it’s not, I just wanna hear someone say it’ I wiped my tears away and looked up at him.

‘Yunjae everything will be ok’ he patted my arm and I took a big breath in and let it out slowly. His arms wrapped round me tighter and I closed my eyes again.

Two seconds later someone lightly tapped my shoulder.

‘Are you a relative of Mr. Choi?’ the voice was calm and clear. A tone filled with authority.’

I looked up and wiped my eyes.

‘Yes I am’ I stood up and smoothed down the jacket that was still wet from my tears.

‘Hi, I’m Doctor Kim Chang-Sun. I have been monitoring Mr. Choi’s injuries.’

He had a white coat on and I tried hard not to look at the red drops of blood that clearly belonged to my cousin.

‘And what’s your evaluation?’ I replied looking him in eyes, feeling impatient with the lack of detail from everyone tonight.

‘Well he’s stable now and we think he’s going to pull through. He’s suffered a massive head injury and at the moment he’s not responding’

‘Well what does that mean?’ I asked looking back at Himchan who grabbed my hand and squeezed.

‘This is going to be difficult to take in, are your parents here?’

‘His parents aren’t alive. They died a few years ago’ I informed him.

‘Wait. I’ve misunderstood. He’s not you’re brother?’ he pointed to the door gesturing to Zelo.

‘Oh no, he’s my cousin’ I answered the question perfectly but received a strange response from doctor Kim Chang-Sun.

‘So where are you parents?’ his eyebrows knitted together as he pointed at me.

‘They’re also not alive. I’m sorry I don’t know what this has got to do with Zelo’

‘Sorry so you’re Mr. Choi’s guardian’ he looked at me with a look of concern.

‘Last time I checked yes’

‘And how old are you?’ a laugh escaped his lips in a arrogant gesture.

I was starting to get really irritated with this guy.

‘I’m 24. Zelo’s been living with me for about 3 years now and it’s fine if you have a problem with that but right now I’d be extremely grateful if you just told me what’s wrong with my cousin’ I tried to sound serious but my voice came out cracked and weak.

‘I apologize but you must understand this will come as a shock’

‘Just tell me’ I half shouted.

‘Your cousin. Mr. Choi… has fallen into a sleep state’

‘And what’s that exactly?’

‘It means he’s in a coma’ he put a hand on my shoulder as though he feared I would faint.

‘We’ll be monitoring him every hour but there really is no reason why he shouldn’t wake up now. His head has suffered a massive blow but we’ve gotten everything under control. It’s up to him now’

‘So what your saying is he can’t wake up or he won’t wake up’

‘Aren’t they the same thing?’ he smiled and shook his head at me.

‘No. They’re completely different’ my voice raised a couple of octaves and Himchan placed a hand on my shoulder.

‘Well we think that he’s just in shock. I’m pretty sure he will wake up when the time is right’ he gave me one last smile before asking if I would like to see him. I nodded and he held his hand out for me to enter and pushed the door open. I bowed and walked into the room.

It was like stepping into someone else’s nightmare. My body felt awkward even though there was no reason to be. I remember someone telling me once that someone close to them had died and I didn’t know what to do or say in order to make that person feel better. I don’t think there even is something that can be said in those situations that would make someone feel better. It’s just something everyone has to go through.

Zelo has born when I was eight. I didn’t have any brothers or sisters so that was the first time something like that had been announced to me. I remember sitting on the sofa watching everyone coo at this thing that my auntie was holding and being so fascinated with whatever it was.

Zelo was placed in my lap and I was introduced to my baby cousin. He didn’t stay a baby for long though. Before I knew it he was in school and then moving up into high school. He continued to grow and I just didn’t. I’d always been there for him and no matter what it was I’d bale him out.

As I looked down at him now I couldn’t help but think I’d neglected my responsibilities with him. I shouldn’t have let this happen. This is my fault.

I said the words out loud to break the silent and I heard Himchan disagree.

I turned around and threw my hands up.

“How is this not my fault?’ it wasn’t a rhetorical question but Himchan ignored it.

‘We were driving down the lane in the dark. Someone came speeding towards us. Daehyun had no time to move the car. We crashed. That’s it’ he shrugged his shoulders.

My breathing was low and jagged.

‘Wait Daehyun? I thought Yongguk was driving’

Himchan shook his head before patting me on the back and leaving the room.

Why would he let me think that it was him that was driving then? He kept apologizing for something that wasn’t his fault. I felt a sting of guilt as the words I’d said to him came back to me. My mind was all over the place. I cared about the guys a lot. Ever since Zelo had introduced me I couldn’t help but get closer and closer to them until one day they were just as normal part of my family as Zelo was. They helped Zelo and me out a lot after our parents died. I don’t know if I’d have ever gotten back up if it wasn’t for them. They didn’t need protection especially Himchan and Yongguk but I gave it to them non-the less because that’s what I wanted to do. I wanted to protect them. To never let anything hurt them… yet here I was standing in a hospital looking at my cousin lying in a coma whilst knowing somewhere else in the building Daehyun, Jongup, Youngjae and Yongguk were hurt.

I sat on the bed as I felt my legs give up.

My fingers reached out for Zelo’s hand and I just held it. Using my other hand to the back of it, I pulled it closer to my chest and hugged his arm. I kissed his knuckles and listened to the beeping of the heart monitor. Hearing the steady noise helped me to get in control of myself and when I opened my eyes again I was no longer crying.

‘You should speak to him’

I looked up when I heard a voice coming from the door and I saw a girl about 4-foot tall standing here holding two roses. She must have been about 13 but she looked at me through worn out eyes, like they’d seen too much for a girl of her age.

‘I’m sorry what?’ I looked down at her and was a bit taken back when she walked into the room up to me.

‘I speak to my dad. He’s the same. To tired to wake up’

I laughed even though there was nothing humorous about the last part.

‘The doctor said that if you speak then they can hear you and they know to follow the voice so they can come back to you. It helps’ she smiled and just for a second she looked really happy. But then the smile faded and she looked tired again.

She handed me one of roses and bowed.

‘Kamsamnida’ I bowed and watched her leave the room skipping. The action seemed alien like she was trying to hard to act like a child.

I looked at the rose and then at Zelo. Speak to him… about what.

The door was wide open so I decided to close it before I tried to make conversation with a coma patient.

‘So… eerrmm… hi. It’s me. Yunjae. Of course you know it’s me’ I mumbled the last bit and looked at the floor feeling like an idiot.

‘I don’t know if you can hear me but if you can then… I guess that’s great’ I tried to think of something that would make him want to wake up like a memory or something.

None came to mind.

‘This is stupid. I can’t think of what to say and to be honest I shouldn’t have to because you should already be awake. Remember when you asked me to come with you to that certain audition. You didn’t know why you wanted me there but something inside you insisted I went along. You pleaded with me saying if I cared about you then I would do this for you and be by your side. Well Zelo this is exactly the same but this time I need you to stay with me ok. If you could give just me any kind of sign at all that you’re on your way back and that you’re not going to leave me then I’ll be happy and just sit here contently and wait for you. But you gotta give me something little man’

The room fell silent. All I could hear was the heart monitor and my own breathing.

What was I thinking, there wasn’t going to be a sign. It’s not like I expected a flicking light or a door opening on it’s own.

I sat back down on the bed and grabbed his hand.

‘If you wake up you can have my MV Augusta F4CC. You know the one you always say you’d look cool driving ha-ha’ I smiled at the amount of times he’s tried to get it from me. He couldn’t even drive yet.

‘When you were five and lost your favourite truck it was because I swapped it for some candy at school. The candy didn’t even taste that good either. On your 10^th birthday I was the one who put cake on your seat. I also broke your straighteners last year not Himchan. I feel kind of better now ha-ha. I hope you can hear me’ I looked down at him again and moved his fringe from his face.

I decided at that moment that I should go visit the rest of the guys. Zelo would be fine for an hour. I’d come back and spend the rest of the night with him.

***

Jongup’s eyes were closed and for a second I couldn’t see him breathing,

‘Jongup!’ I shouted and sighed with relief when he shot up, ‘dude I thought you were dead’ I placed a hand on my heart and tried to even my breathing.

‘No Jamie I was just resting my eyes but thanks for waking me so brutally. Very kind of you’ he smiled and rolled his eyes.

I bite my lip and mouthed a sorry at him. He waved his hand and rested his head back on the pillow looking at me.

I sat on the bed and looked around the room. Himchan was sleeping on the chair in the corner and I laughed.

‘He told me about Zelo. I’m really sorry Yun-‘

‘Let’s not talk about that right now. I came to find out how you are. How are your legs?’

‘The doctors said they’ll have to amputate them’

I gasped.

‘What?!’

He burst out laughing and I slapped his arm as hard as I could.

‘Jongup don’t do that’

He continued laughing and when I’d calmed down a bit I let out a small snigger.

‘I’m sorry Yunjae but you are really gullible sometimes’

‘But there’s no need to scare me like that’

He did look fine. There was a slight discoloration under his eyes but that could have just been from his busy schedule.

‘So what have you been up to?’ I crossed my legs and faced him.

He scrunched his face up, ‘what since I last saw you 24 hours ago ha-ha’ his smile reached his eyes like it always did and I let out a laugh,

‘Yes since I last saw you 24 hours ago’

‘Ok. We did an interview and a performance at 9.00am yesterday’

‘For who?’ I asked, genuinely interested. I didn’t just put this on I’d always been enthusiastic about what they did and who they saw. When I hadn’t seen Zelo for about a month I’d bombard him with questions about each interview. What they asked? What did you say? He always acted like he hated it but somewhere I think he liked the attention. Especially since I’m the only relative he has now. I tried to replace them as much as I could without pushing them out of the picture all together. Zelo understood that and I knew he was grateful for all I’d done. Just like I was grateful to him for not giving up on me.

‘Jamie I don’t know do I. Youngjaes the only one that pays attention to that kind of thing. I just smile and wave at the camera’ he did an impression of himself and dropped his hand onto his lap again.

‘What about you. What have you been up to in the last 24 hour?’

‘I did an acoustic performance yesterday morning at some record store and did a meet and greet in the afternoon’

‘Cool did you get anything good’

‘Same old. But this girl gave me doll of myself’

He looked at me scared, ‘as in like a voodoo doll ha-ha’

‘I don’t know but it was small and she said she made it for me. It’s at home still in my suitcase somewhere. I’ll have to show you when we all go home’ I put emphasis on the ‘all’ part of the sentence and he nodded.

‘It might have a life of it’s own Yunjae. It could be walking around your house now. What if it’s waiting for when you get home and then… BAM!’ I jumped and hit him again.

‘Are you on morphine or something?’ I asked looking at the wires.

‘Maybe a little. What’s it to you?’ he asked smiling.

‘I thought you seemed a bit drunk’

He stuck his tongue out and giggled.

‘You know what I really want to push Himchan’s elbow from underneath him’

I looked round and saw Himchan was leaning on his arm, 100% asleep.

‘Your bad Jongup’ I laughed.

‘Aww come on do it for me. I’d do it myself but I’m bed ridden. All you gotta do is sneak up to him and ‘boop’ push his arm slightly’ he made a small gesture with his hand and laughed.

‘No. He’s here because your hurt and you wanna hurt him’ I shook my head at him.

‘It’s not hurting it’s called  a surprise’ he nodded and started laughing again.

I stood up and tried to shake off the pins and needles feeling in my legs. Jongup was still laughing.

‘What if I just went like this’ he in a massive breath and I knew immediately what he was doing and tried to stop him but he grabbed my hands before I could cover his mouth. He let out a massive yell and Himchan fell out of his chair, sitting upright on the floor.

Jongup nearly died from the amount of laughing he was doing.

‘You little shi-‘

‘Wow now now boys. Let’s not kill each other here’ I moved in front of Himchan to stop him from hitting Jongup who wasn’t helping by laughing hysterically on the bed.

I shook my head and looked at Himchan who just sat back on the chair.

‘It’s the last time I worry about you’

‘Aww come on Himchannie. You love him really’ I winked at him and he just looked down smiling.

‘Jongup. I’m going to check on Daehyun and Youngjae. Can you try and not piss Himchan off while I’m gone’ I sat on the bed and patted his arm.

‘Will do Noona’

‘I said never call me that’ I got up and he shielded himself with his hands and laughed again.

I turned to Himchan, ‘don’t kill him while I’m away please’

He waved me away and leant his head on the back of the chair, closing his eyes for the second time.

I closed the door quietly behind me and hoped both of them would get some sleep before I came back.

I walked down to the waiting room where I knew the guys were staying. I disagreed with the arrangement considering what had happened to them tonight but they insisted.

The room was lit with just one lamp and I didn’t see anyone. I walked further in and saw Yongguk was the only person in here. He saw me and sat up, resting his plastered arm in his lap.