It was something not supposed to happen; something taboo and forbidden.

It was never spoken between us nor did we try to even touch hands but it was always there hanging in the air between us everyday when we would have our sessions.

It was in the little things- her eyes looking away from me, a sigh escaping my lips, her hands clasping and unclasping, my starch white coat just a little whiter than usual, the press of her tongue on her lips, and the sunlight streaming between us.

Patients are not supposed to fall in love with their doctors nor doctors to their patients. The consequences alone were frightening.

I only have less than a year left before I finish residency and I was thinking maybe after that I’ll tell her, I love her. She deserves to know how much. I’m not sure how much she feels for me. I don’t even know if we could work out being together. I’m not even thinking if something like that will sit well with her family and all. For now, I was intent on helping her and finding the reason for her sickness.

It was sometime later, when Dara volunteered to speak without being asked, that I learned the reason why.

“My cousin Kim Jaejoong is getting married” she said holding an invitation.

“Oh! Then congratulations to him then” I said.

“It was an arranged marriage” she curtly replied.

“Were your parents also hoping to marry you off that way?” I asked cautiously.

“No, my father loves me way too much to that to me. And I know Jaejoong will be the first to oppose. Anyway, I don’t think I’m meant to be anyone’s wife.” she said, smiling bitterly.

“How do you know?” I asked curious.

“Because” she said, not really explaining anything.

“Was Jaejoong one of the cousins you grew up with?” I then asked.

She nodded in reply. “We grew up in the same house since his parents were always away and they would leave him with us. He was my big brother and I loved him.” She finished in a tone that caught my attention.

I saw Dara clasping and unclasping her hands like she does when she’s nervous only it’s not because of me this time. It’s about Jaejoong. Something tells me there’s more to the story than just that. If they were close then where was he when Dara was sick?

“What happened to him? Where is he now?” I asked.

Dara seemed to be staring into space, lost in deep thought. “We sort of grew apart. He changed and wanted other things. Then I got sick.”

I felt close to finding out the truth. “What did he want Dara?” I prompted her to continue.

“It was dark and he... he wanted...”

I knew it even before it escaped her lips.

I was holding Dara in my arms, asking her not to cry and wiping away her tears. She was broken and no one knew, not her family, whom she loved and was protecting from her secret.

She was looking at me seeking reassurance. She was broken, but she was still beautiful. Nothing could change what I feel for her.

I was angry at Jaejoong for exploiting her love and trust, angry at what happened to her afterwards when she punished herself, and just plain angry that there’s not much I can do for the girl I love except hold her.

If Dara wanted to get better then she should start by forgiving herself for what happened and stop punishing herself for something she didn’t deserve.

Later on, she started eating again, just a little but I know it was an effort for her. Her father was happy with her improvement. But she hasn’t told him yet and she made me promise not to.

As her doctor, I wouldn’t tell her father but as her friend and someone who loves her, I think her father should know. We were no longer just in a physician – patient relationship, nor in the comfort of a friendship/ confidante status. I don’t know what we were but I knew we were more.