Everyday, I would have my sessions with her. We mostly talk about general topics, her interests, books she have read. Sometimes, I find myself volunteering to speak or answering her questions.

If we were friends, it wouldn’t be a problem but we were in a patient – physician relationship so blurred lines are a no-no. But I was foolhardy trying to gain her trust to talk to me about something personal about her that I didn’t realize I was putting out too much of myself.

It was in the next few months that we had more personal and meaningful conversations. We were doing the If questions.

I asked her “If you could do something else important, what would it be?”

She was quiet so I don’t know whether she was thinking or ignoring me so I decided to volunteer an answer. “If I weren’t doctor, I’d probably be a musician.”

She looked at me oddly probably imagining me as some type of artist.

“I used to be in a band with my friends in college. We were The BigBang. Weird, but it sounded way cooler then. Anyway, wanting to be a doctor and helping people won in the end so here I am” I said.

“You’re lucky to be able to do what you love. I don’t know what I want. But I know I don’t want this.” She gestures at herself and at the room, meaning her sickness. “I just want to live, truly live you know? Not just existing. Maybe then, I’d find something worth my life.”

My insticts were telling me I was right about her having unresolved issues.

“If you could be anything what do you want to be?”

“When I was younger my daddy told me my nickname Dara meant star so I wanted to be one but stars only come out at night when it’s dark so what’s the point?  A bird maybe, so I could fly away from here” she said, shrugging her shoulders.

 “But the sun is a star.” I pointed out.

She was still and then her face lit up with a genuine smile, the first I have ever seen of her. Suddenly, she looked younger and more beautiful, as if she was before she was sick. It was brief but it should have been enough to cast alarm bells in my mind.

“Thank you.” She said. “I think you’re a sun too”