Moving On
The Twinkle in Your Eyes
It had been a week since we ended. I hadn’t told anyone yet. I’ve been constantly trying to busy myself. I wanted to
forget. I really wanted to. My mood hadn’t changed at all. I kept telling myself that it was my choice to let him go,
and that meant that I had to move on. Some people make it seem easy. The dramas I have been watching this week
was all about how quickly the main hero/heroine found love again after being dumped by their lovers. I wished that
was actually true in real life, but it isn’t. Here I am, sitting here thinking about my miserable life. This time I couldn’t
blame anyone. I was to blame. No one forced me to do what I did. I hated myself every single second, hour, and day.
“So guys, the other members invited us to dinner. Should I decline?” Luhan asked. I knew he wanted us to say yes. I
knew very much that he missed the others. I wasn’t going to be selfish and drag him under the water with me too.
“I think it’s finally time I saw their faces again. Tell them we’re coming,” I said. To be truthful, I wasn’t ready. I
didn’t want to see Suho’s smile. I didn’t want to hear Kyungsoo and Sehun’s laugh. I didn’t want to see Baekhyun’s
face. I didn’t want to see Kai. Most of all, I didn’t want to see him.
They were all seated at a large table, chatting amongst themselves. Kai and Sehun were playing with the chopsticks.
Suho was chit chatting with Kyungsoo while Chanyeol and Baekhyun whispered to each other. We had arrived with
prepared smiles in hand and sat down facing them. Suho greeted us warmly, his leader presence engulfing us all with
care and love. The meal started off well, and we all began to eat. I found myself looking around and staring off into
space. I knew they were together. That was the first thing I noticed when I seated myself next to Tao and across
from Sehun. Their hands were intertwined. His large ones engulfing the other male’s entirely. They were whispering
into eachother’s ear, giggling at eachother’s comments, and off in their own world. It was close to the end of the
meal when he cleared his throat. I didn’t know what he was about to do, but I had a strange feeling it wasn’t going
to be good.
“So...now that everyone is all gathered together. I have an announcement to make.” Everyone stopped to look up at
Chanyeol. Sehun and Luhan who were sharing their stories paused for a moment to listen to him. I just listened. I
couldn’t make eye contact with him, but I was listening. He cleared his throat one more time before telling Baekhyun
to get up. “I just wanted to tell everyone that we’re officially together.”
The room went quiet. I looked up to find Suho looking at me with his concerned eyes. Everyone’s eyes widened. I
didn’t know he would announce it this soon. Couldn’t he have just waited? We all sat in silence for a minute. They
were trying to process the information that Chanyeol had just told them. Tao was the first to stand up and leave.
Xiumin followed behind him to make sure he was okay. Finally, Luhan ushered the rest of EXO-M out of the room and
back to the dorm. I didn’t look back once. My head hung low as we sat quietly in the car. I knew what was coming
next.
We found Tao sitting in the living room with both his hands covering his face. I knew exactly the reason why he was
acting like this. Now was the time for me to put aside my feelings and care for someone who had been equally as
hurt as me.
“Ge, how could you not tell us this? Did he do this to you?” I knew his words were just an excuse to cry. We all
knew. Our maknae had another reason. He had confessed his feelings to Baekhyun after our China showcase. He had
told everyone of us the night before that he was scared out of his mind, but he wasn’t going to keep his feelings
bottled up anymore. I remembered the night after when he told us Baekhyun would have an answer for him after he
came back from promotions. Baekhyun had answered him tonight. He had chewed up little Tao’s heart and spat it
back out tonight.
We all sat down on the couch to thoroughly think about how to help Tao. He was sobbing recklessly into Xiumin’s
chest. His cries were filled with anger, resentment, and hatred. It wasn’t just those things, Tao was hurt and
confused. I’ve never seen him like this before. I myself was in a lost of words. It took a couple of sentences to break
me down entirely, but Tao, this precious boy was fragile. He would cry at all the emotional scenes in the movies.
This boy was deeply scarred and hurt internally right now. He wasn’t strong like as was. I wasn’t strong, but I was
more stable than Tao. I regretted accepting the offer to eat with EXO-K. If I had known this was going to happen, I
would’ve declined to the extent where people thought I was going mad.
When Tao had finally stopped crying, Xiumin supported his limp body and helped him back to their room. It was then
that it suddenly hit me. It came like a wave, crushing down every attempt I had to stay sane. The leader in me was
gone, and now, I was just Wu Yi Fan. The one who let his boyfriend leave. The one who watched him be happy in
someone else’s arms. The one who deeply hurted another person in an attempt to act normal. My heart ached again
and I dragged myself slowly towards my room. Under the moonlight, I found myself staring out the window. The
thought of relieving this pain from my system was floating through my head. I slowly made my way over to the
window and opened it wide. A gust of wind flew in and made me shiver. I leaned over the window a little bit to see
how high it was. I felt dizzy just looking down. It was high, alright. I wanted to lean farther. Just a little more, Yi
Fan. It’ll all be over soon.
“Oh my god, Kris!” It was Luhan. He had rushed over to where I was and grabbed me away from the window. I felt a
sudden boost of energy. I wanted to jump now. I tried to release his grip on me.
“Let go, Luhan!” I exclaimed. I tried to fight his strength, and I was soon coming closer to the window.
“Yixing! Jongdae! Get in here!” Hurried footsteps came, and Yixing and Jongdae busted through the door. “Yixing,
help me hold Kris back! Jongdae, go close the window!”
They hurriedly follow his order. Yixing and Luhan were able to get me away from the window while Jongdae closed
the window. I plopped down onto the floor. I was tired of this.
“Do you think ending your life would make the situation any better?” I was silent. Another rush of emotions came
upon me. My tears streamed down my face. I was a mess. So I really did try to kill myself.
They didn’t allow me to sleep on my own. Yixing and Luhan were to sleep next to me while Jongdae was to sleep on
the top bunk. Being squished between two of my members was uncomfortable. The bed was not designed for three
people. They had told me it was too keep me from moving around. They were tired and had dozed off to sleep a
few minutes later. I began to look at both of their faces. I was glad they had stopped me. Even though I want to die
right now, I couldn‘t do that. If I was worth their effort to save me, maybe I shouldn’t die...yet.
Another update. I had some extra time today. :) I didn't know there would be so many Krisyeol fans. I feel so united.
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