Letting Go
The Twinkle in Your Eyes
I didn’t want to believe that this was happening to me, but what can I do? Pictures are a thousand words, and he had
two of them. These weren’t just any ol’ pictures. One, they had my boyfriend in it. And two, the person he held so
tightly in his arms wasn’t me. I wanted to cry out, to scream, and to release the pain my heart was enduring. I sat
still for a while as I stared at the computer screen before. Maybe he had an explanation. I wasn’t one to jump to
conclusions. I could wait. We would be returning to Korea soon, and I would be able to confront him.
“Kris ge, are you okay?” A soft mumble came from behind me. It sounded like Lay, but I wasn’t too sure.
“Yeah?” I replied. I had to try my hardest to stop myself from breaking down.
I turned around to find the other members standing before me, their eyes displaying their worries. I tried my best to
crack a smile. “It’s okay. I’m not going to let those pictures bother me. Maybe he has a different side of the story.”
I wasn’t sure how I had mustered up the courage to say those words. While the inside of me was going crazy, my
outer appearance displayed a different emotion. Their eyes softened as they looked at me for a little longer. Luhan
and Xiumin began to hush me up and out of the living room, leading me to my room, and strictly demanding that I get
some sleep. I could only pretend to sleep to ease their mind. Under the covers and the dark night, I sobbed my heart
out, releasing all the pain that ran throughout my body. I could only bite onto my covers to muffle out the sound of
my cries. I felt like I had been injected with a type of poison that forced you to experience all the pain in the world
and at the same time, slowly let you die. I imagined myself going through this painful death while he stood before
me, holding tightly onto someone else. I had begged for the pain to go away and for him to save me from it, but he
couldn’t see or hear me. His own happiness was blinding his eyes and shutting his ears from my calls.
We landed in Korea after a long flight, and were greeted by our fans who had come to welcome us back. I had
stopped the pain in my heart temporarily as I felt the warmth and love from the people around us. There were still
many who cared about me, but their love couldn’t fill me up completely or make me forget. Xiumin who was
standing next to me had patted my shoulder and moved me along through the sea of people. I didn’t know where I
was going. In this state of mind, I was just glad I had someone to guide me. For all I know, we could have been
heading straight for a black hole, and I wouldn’t care.
The long car ride back to our dorm was tiring for me. The scenery in the car window did not amuse me or help pass
the time. It was unusually quite today. No one was talking, not even Lay. He was usually the talkative one of the
group. I felt burdened by their constant stares. In the past few weeks, I had tried to act normal. I would create small
talk with the other members, but it would end up with them telling me to rest. I didn’t want them to constantly look
after me. I was the leader, but lately I haven’t been doing my job.
We had pulled up to the dorm and slowly filed out one by one. Our bags and luggages were handled to us, and we
made our way to the building. The elavator ride was short, and we began to make our way to our dorm as the
elevator doors opened. I remember the moments of our relationship that happened in this very hallway. Our first
kiss. Our first date. Our first fight. Our last meeting place. I struggled to push away any thoughts that filled my empty
head. I felt like my head was on a superfast merry-go-round. The spinning didn’t stop until I plopped onto my familiar
bed and began to fall asleep. An overwhelmed amount of energy was approaching. I could feel it. It was super
powerful.
“HYUNGS! YOU’RE BACK!” The dorm was suddenly filled with laughter, joyous cries, and voices that I hadn’t heard
from in a long time. I wasn’t ready to greet them. I didn’t want to see their faces. They would remind me of my
misery.
A peak of light from the hallway outside leaked in as the door to my room opened. The shadow of the figure gave
away his identity. He entered quietly before shutting the door behind him. I could hear him breathing as he
approached my bed.
“Babe, are you asleep?” He whispered. I closed my eyes shut, hoping he would leave me alone. “I have something to
tell you.”
“W-w-what is it?” I whispered back, startling him. I didn’t know why I chose to answer him back.
“It’s about us,” He replied after thinking about it for a while. It was then that it finally hit me. My head was
preparing me for this moment.
“Is something wrong?” Of course something was wrong, you idiot my brain told me.
“Do you ever think we would separate?” I wanted to desperately cry out. This was it. I knew where this conversation
was heading.
“Look, Chanyeol, if you’re feelings for me have changed,” I paused for a moment. I couldn’t believe I was doing this.
"then I won’t keep you by my side. I love you, and if letting you go is the only way to keep loving you, I will.”
“I loved you too. I always had. I never thought you would make it this easy for me. I feel bad.”
“Don’t be. Just go.” I turned my head away from him. The tears were streaming out, but I didn’t want to let him see
it. With a final sigh, he left. What was worse was I had let him leave. My heart shattered into a million pieces. I had
confirmed my suspicions. They weren’t suspicions anymore but reality now. I wasn’t ready to face the world
anymore. Any life left in me was out. His words still remained in my head. I loved you too. I always had. Had,
he had loved me. Now, we were nothing.
I felt so sad writing this. Huhuhu.
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