Nichkhun could wait, because he can't forget her love. He would wait forever if need be.

There was a reason why I did not watch We Got Married, and I think it should be pretty obvious why. Not that I hated whats-her-face personally- fine, I severely disliked her for many a reason, the main and most blaring one would be the pure and simple fact that she was virtually married to Nichkhun. Yes, my Buck. Mine. Obsessive possessiveness that Nichkhun would love to hear aside, one could say that my utter distaste for the program, and inadvertently her, was pretty much justified. After all...I met him first.

Ugh. Seriously, where is this rabid territoriality coming from?!

While everything may have been justified inside my head, I couldn't help but feel this bad taste inside my mouth whenever Joomi brought the issue up. I told her many times to drop it. I did not want to hear about Nichkhun's virtual married life, no matter how much Joomi thought I needed to know my enemy. I did not want to know her in any way or form at all.

I did not want to have to know everything I was not. I did not want to have to tell myself that she deserved him more than I did.

While I never told Joomi, or anyone for that matter, the crux of the matter was I was afraid. I still am. I'm so afraid of seeing Nichkhun with Victoria because as much I try to deny it, the raging green monster inside me was rearing its ugly head and it was not the right thing to be feeling. It was not the appropriate way to handle the issue, and so to prevent the whole thing entirely, I decided it was best to just avoid the matter altogether. What you don't know won't kill you.

If only I wasn't dying from the curiosity as well.

Weighing the pros and cons of actually watching the thing was easy. It all boiled down to whether I wanted to or not, and yes, I honestly wanted to. I wanted to know what they did together, and how he acted when he was with her. I wanted to prove to myself that it was me, as Nichkhun said, that had claims to his heart.

I know I haven't exactly done anything to explicitly express the way I felt about him, but...would it really be selfish of me to just want him for myself regardless?

I sighed, and the sound of my ragged breath echoed throughout my empty lab. I was working late again tonight, late and all alone a day before Christmas. Pathetic, I know. It's not as if I had a choice. 2PM was busy, and everyone else went to see their families. Here, the lab, was home for me now. I could, I suppose, go see the JYPE building, but I don't think JYP would appreciate a scandal at the moment. Even when we were already outed by the press, it still didn't mean Nichkhun wasn't under attack. It still didn't mean the fans preferred Victoria over me.

Why would they even want me? After all, Victoria was everything a man would want. She was domesticated. The one trait I did not possess. Oh, right, there were probably a million other things, but that was what hurt me the most. Victoria would make a good wife- wait, what?!

I shake the thought from my head. Why are we even thinking about marriage?! Nichan briefly and very vaguely alluded to the matter as well. I know I wouldn't make a good wife, I wouldn't even make a good girlfriend- was that what I am? Nichkhun's girlfriend? I never even referred to myself as such before...it was always just...me.

I stare at the papers that I needed to be doing at the moment and sigh. It was hopeless. I really didn't want to do anything that pertained to work right now. All I wanted to do was see Nichkhun and the rest of 2PM, but mainly Nichkhun. I could admit to this now because no one was watching...perhaps I should study how to be able to admit this to Nichkhun personally as well...He deserved as much after all...

Deserve.

It's such an evil word. Misleading is what it is. Why did people need to deserve something to attain it? Why must people prove themselves worthy of one thing before getting the other?

Was I really even worthy of Nichkhun's love? Did I deserve everything he has done for me? What have I even done for him in return?

Nichan was right. I hated it that someone else was right about me. But now the question is, what do I do about it? And in the future...what would I be willing to give up?

It wasn't just Nichan that bothered me, Nichkhun suddenly becoming distant after the special 2PM episode we filmed two weeks ago still bothered me. Did I do something wrong? Something to make him angry at me? How was I supposed to apologize for something I didn't even know what for, something I probably didn't even do?

Why Nichkhun. Why must you make me lose focus like this?

Pulling out my phone, I walked towards the window to attempt a call. I was allowed to call him right? Or at least...even if I wasn't...what's the worst that could happen?

I never told him, but Nichkhun was number one on my speed dial list. Even when I didn't actually call him often as it had been him calling me most of the time-

Was that it? Joomi said Victoria calls him a lot, messages him everyday too. She even cooks for him, and makes him snacks, asks about his day, makes sure he was well and healthy.

And this is probably why in the battle for Nichkhun's heart, I would lose.

…

It wasn't breaking and entering when you knew where the spare key was hidden, right? In the end, I gave up entirely on work and snuck out of the lab to visit 2PM's dorm. I knew they weren't going to be ther