“Hyung, don't you ever wish things were different?”

Chansung asked the question all too much of a sudden that Taecyeon didn't even completely understand it the first time he had heard it. Here they sat at the JYPE building roof deck enjoying the sight of the passing cars beneath them. It was a chilly December night and the two of them just found themselves up here after a meeting concerning the JYP Nation Team Play Concert on the 25th. Taec came up here first, he was in one of those moods, and while he wanted to go bother Mei about something less relevant, the act wouldn't calm his raging heart.

It wasn't as if he felt any less for Mei, no, of course not. It was just that, in Taecyeon's heart, there was another matter that was causing it to stir. In a way he understood how June had been feeling. About Jay. The void Jay Park had left can never be refilled. There was no one quite like him, and to be completely honest Taec missed him. He missed his Seattle B-boying Pink Grandpa Leader like he's never missed anyone in his entire life before. If it were a few years ago, he would be with him right now. The two of them just hanging around doing nothing but talk about equally nothing. Sometimes the other guys would join them, they were welcome, but sometimes Taec preferred his alone time with Jay. He was his best friend.

Was?

How long had it been since they had last contacted each other? A few days ago? No one knew, not even June knew that he had managed to regain contact with the fallen leader. A few months ago, around the time Taec had realized June had moved on and that she couldn't be the one to bring Jay back to him, Taec had finally gathered the courage to find him on his own. He had an email address, and with no assurance of its viability or Jay's response, he had sent a lengthy message on how Jay was being an idiot and how everyone else was making such an issue that 2PM and Jay Park couldn't even be on the same stage together anymore.

It was unfair, and Taec hated it so much.

He wanted to go back to a time where everything was carefree and free from emotional baggage. He was happy now, content with the direction his life was taking, but there would always be that one void. That one spot in formation that remains empty, the spotlight where their leader should have been.

It shouldn't have to be him in the center. That spot belonged to Jay, and Taec had told himself that he was just keeping it warm while the leader was away, but who was he kidding? Jay was never coming back. At least Jay now had his own spotlight to shine for him. A spotlight for him alone- one he didn't have to share with anyone else anymore.

Taec was happy for him.

He turned to the maknae. Chansung was leaning against the railings, arms crossed, lips pursed, eyes focused on the road below. Did Taec want things differently? “No.” Taec replied. “Everything happens for a reason. If things didn't happen the way they did, now wouldn't be now.”

This was true, and Taec believed this with all his heart. He believed this, not to rationalize Jay's leaving or the emptiness in his heart, Ok Taecyeon believed all this because he believed in it. Not because he wanted to believe in it, but because he actually, honestly, and most earnestly did believe in it.

“I just keep thinking how it would be like if hyung was here.”

Taec thought about the same thing all the time. How much more crazier everything would be had Jay stayed in 2PM. But now was now, and there was no use crying over spilled milk. Jay was happy, a fact Jay had confirmed himself. Jay was happy, and just like Taec and the rest of 2PM, Jay missed them as much as they did him.

“But he's not Chansung-ah. We can't keep thinking about what-could-have-beens when there's so much work for us to do.”

“I know that hyung. I just miss him.”

“We all do.”

Taec took the silence as another cue for him to look back. Another Christmas without their leader. Would it be the same next year too? A Christmas without Jay simply because of technicalities? It was unfair. It should have been a time to spend with your family and loved ones, the time of the year to forgive and forget, to let bygones be bygones. Brothers are forever brothers, how was it that Jay wasn't here with them now?

Was this how June had been feeling? When Jay left? Taecyeon had managed to get June to tell him everything, especially after the scandal. When Jay broke up with her on that platform, when Jay had justified breaking her heart, was this how June had felt? Even worse, perhaps?

He shook the frustration away. Taec should have known how much June had been hurting. He had been a lousy friend back then. June was hurting, and yet he did nothing. He didn't know, he didn't realize, and June hadn't said a word. He was trying to make up for it, but he figured Khun had already compensated for his, and everyone else's share.

Khun and June. Taecyeon envied them. He wanted what Khun had, someone to run to at the end of the day. Sure they were busy now, all of them were, but the knowledge that you had someone was comforting enough. There was Mei, and Taec believed they could make it work, but they weren't quite at the stage June and Khun were. Junho and Minji too, but those two were young- and pretty much made for each other that it was almost creepy.

Again, Taecyeon turned to the youngest member next to him. Chansung was still engrossed with watching the lights from the vehicles below, “Do you wish things were different?”

Chansung's eyes didn't stray from the streets as he thought about the same question he had earlier asked. Sure he wanted things to be different. There were so many things he wanted different. Chansung, he didn't want to hate on the way things had turned out for him, but was it so selfish for him to ask for his own piece of happiness as well? When his hyung had left, he had been hopeful of the leader's return. Perhaps too hopeful? He wanted Jay to come back so badly; he knew they all did. They weren't 2PM without Jay, and so the clock stopped at 1:59pm.

But then it had to happen that Chansung and what remained of them had to prove that they were going to be okay even without the leader. They were 2PM even without Jay now. Without Jay.

Chansung hated it, but if he were to be completely honest, he really didn't hate it that much. If anything, Chansung felt somewhat released and relieved of the kind of pressure Jay's presence had put on them. He loved his hyung, he was his brother, but as a professional, Chansung couldn't help but feel a little threatened. He wasn't a natural singer and dancer as Jay, Wooyoung, and Junho were, and so everything was extra hard for and on him. He knew he was improving though, slowly inching his way towards a higher state of self. He was proud of his achievements, and there was a part of him that wanted to know if Jay had felt proud of him now. Because Chansung was proud of his hyung. He was happy for him, and he wanted Jay to experience the kind of elation 2PM was feeling these past few days. Chansung believed in Jay, no matter what happened, he would always believe in Jay.

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