Maybe I should have stopped this long ago when it all first started, maybe it ­is my fault that I did nothing about it or that I took action too late, maybe I shouldn’t have done what I did, but no matter what those maybes could have been, what is done is done. History is irreversible. The present is the outcome of the decisions made in the past. But the future… it’s waiting for us to draw out our own pathways.

There are questions that I keep asking myself repeatedly and no matter what excuses I give myself, I was just not satisfied with the answer. I knew… but why didn’t I do anything sooner if I have already known for a long time? Why did it have to happen that night? How did I end up there the next morning? Why do I keep on thinking back her? Why did I let myself become like this? Why did I let myself fall in love again?

~~

It was 11 p.m. when Jessica unlocked the door and stepped into the apartment she shared with her girlfriend. The slapping of her slippers echoed loudly around in the silence of the room as she walked in. She looked around for the sight of another woman who would usually be waiting for her on the sofa while watching TV, but there was no one. And this did not surprise Jessica as it would have if this scene took place 6 months ago. Now it’s not anything unusual.  Jessica slipped off her long black coat and threw it carelessly onto the vacant loveseat. The house seemed very quiet as if there was no one inside although Jessica knew Yuri was probably in their room, doing whatever she usually does. Unwillingly, a flicker of annoyance and anger passed through Jessica’s mind but she suppressed it as she tiredly dragged her body across the living room towards their room. She was about to open the door but hesitated as the persisting thought once again popped into her mind. She had her hand up to knock when she heard Yuri talking in the room. Jessica held her breath and leaned closer to make out the conversation though her heart keeps on saying that she should ignore it.

“Come on, Yoongie… I told you yesterday, didn’t I? I had to go to back home with my friend from America… No, this is not an excuse I’m making up. No. You have to believe me, baby. It’s not because of Jessica. She still doesn’t know about us. Don’t worry.”

Jessica tensed and clenched her jaws at what she heard. She swallowed hard as she could no longer deny what her conscience has been telling her all along. Yuri might have been together with her American friend today for all she knows, but the other days that she call off their dates and claimed to be ‘busy’ were clearly because of this other girl.

“Awww babe… now, don’t be like that! I’m sorry ok? You know that I love you, right?” Jessica slammed the door open and sauntered into the room as if nothing was wrong. Yuri straightened up and gave her a quick smile before turning away. “Hey, I promise I’ll pick you up tomorrow. Yeah, I can’t wait to see you too. Bye!”

She quickly hung up and slipped the phone into her back pocket. She smiled mischievously when she saw her girlfriend standing in front of the wardrobe with her back to her. Her eyes wandered along the girl’s body, liking all that the silver backless mini-dress revealed.

“Hey, babe! You back so early?” Yuri stealthily wrapped her arms around her girlfriend’s slim waist and kissed her exposed neck. “Well, that’s good because… you know how much I missed you all day? And now you’re teasing me with that y dress on…”

Jessica pushed her hands away and stepped out from the embrace. She turned to look at Yuri and held her gaze steadily. There was anger evident in her eyes, hatred, and even the hurt of betrayal.

“Sica-ah…” Yuri knew that the conversation had been overheard. She tried to approach closer but the girl firmly shook her head with set in a grim line. “No. Let me explain. It’s not what you think it is.”

“Don’t tell me what to think.” Jessica snapped back and stared directly at the girl with a poker face and arms crossed over her chest. “Ok. Fine. Tell me what you think this is.”

“That was Tiffany I was just talking to. Remember, my close friend from L.A.? Well, she was mad that I didn’t pick her up today to take her to see my parents. But it was because my boss called me all of a sudden and told me to come straight to her as someone wants me to model for them. I forgot to call and tell Fany that I couldn’t come so she was angry at me. And I always call her ‘babe’ because, well, I guess it’s just sounds like an American thing to do…” Yuri slowly trailed off after realizing that she has been blabbering to herself. She has been so caught up in her nervousness of getting caught lying that she didn’t notice her girlfriend exiting the room. Yuri looked down at her hands that were clenched into fists in her pockets and relaxed them while heaving a big sigh. Not knowing what to do, she sat down in front of her desk, picked up a notepad and pen, and began to scribble furiously.

After a few minutes, the door of Yuri’s bedroom opened and the girl came out with the notepad in her hand. She stormed towards the other girl lazing mindlessly on the sofa in front of the TV.

“Hey, why did you leave?”

Jessica turned up the volume and ignored her.

“Yah! I’m talking to you!” Yuri shouted and turned off the TV.

Jessica turned with a glare but walked away towards their bedroom without saying a word. Yuri grabbed her shoulder and pulled her back.

“JESSICA JUNG, what the fcuk is wrong with you?! Will you just listen to me?” Jessica shook off the hand but stopped. “Trust me, you’re getting this all wrong. You know that it’s only you that I love, right? You’re all that I want. You’re all that I need. You’re all that I have.”

“Is that what you say to all girls you want to fcuk? Don’t think I’m going to believe all this sh*t.” The icy whisper sounded loud compared to the silence that followed the question. “All those words of ‘love’ are merely empty… just like your heart.”

Yuri opened but could not find anything to say as the truth in her girlfriend’s words struck her hard.

“I know what you’ve been doing, Yuri. I know who you were talking to. I know you’re cheating on me. Those eight months with you were such a waste of time.” Jessica’s voice grew even fainter as she spoke, so soft that Yuri almost didn’t catch the last words. “I cannot believe I even ever thought you really loved me… I was stupid to love you.”

Yuri blinked rapidly and glanced down at the paper that was scrunched up in her fist as the situation quickly spiraled away from what she had expected. “Sica-ah…”

The silence remained like a barrier between the two women. One looking at the other while the other stared blankly straight ahead.

 “I’m breaking up with you.” It was out within a second. The decision was made. There was no taking back this sentence which has been on lying heavily in Jessica’s heart for some time now.

“Sica, NO!” Yuri hastily grabbed her hand and pulled her back, making Jessica stumble as she lost her footing. “I’m really sorry. Please believe me this time. Please trust me… I really do love you.”

Jessica stopped struggling at the last five words and raised her head to look at Yuri. Her eyes now held nothing but sadness and hurt and glistening tears threatened to fall. “You’ve already hurt me too much, Yuri.  If you really love me, let me go.”

Yuri stared into Jessica’s eyes and realized that it was time. She slackened her grip and let her hand fall back by her side. Jessica gave her a slight smile and walked out the door without bothering to put her shoes on or looking back. Yuri still could not believe what just happened although she knew she had lost the girl. She knew this was bound to happen sometime but she never thought that that sometime would come this soon. She was not yet ready, she was taking too long to figure out her feelings, and now that she finally understood her own heart, it was too late. After all this time of knowing that Jessica will be always there at the end of the day, her absence left a big whole in Yuri’s life, her mind would not accept it.

“I’m sorry, Sica… I love you.” She can say these words now and truly mean them. “I’ll show you that I’m worth it.”

But it was really too late.

~~

Jessica walked out of the building without thinking much about anything. She was just placing one foot in front of another and going where the road would lead her. The night air was freezing but she did not feel its icy hands clawing at her bare shoulders nor did she notice the looks that the pedestrians gave her as she stumbled along. She walked until she felt like she could not walk anymore. She felt lost, both physically and mentally. Jessica finally stopped after what seemed like hours and looked around at her surroundings. The chill was beginning to sink into her bones and her bare feet were becoming numb. She noticed a flashing neon sign in front of her. Crystal Cove it read. It was a club. A club to which she always goes… with Yuri. The club where she met Yuri.

Without second thoughts, or without any particular decisions made, she walked towards the entrance and descending it’s dimly lighted staircase.

~~

Maybe it was the way the lights reflected off her shiny silver dress or maybe it was the confident way she walked into the club without any shoes on, but the woman immediately caught Tiffany’s (and many others’) attention the second she appeared around the corner. There were stares following her as she passed by and half-hidden snickers behind her back, but the woman ignored them all. She walked straight through the crowd and sat down on a high stool at the bar, just a few seats away from where Tiffany was sitting. The short bartender, whose nametag read ‘Taeyeon’, came rushing over and began gushing over the woman who merely replied to her frantic questions calmly while playing with her wavy blonde hair. Tiffany assumed that she was either a regular or a friend or both. The woman picked up the glass put in front of her and made the contents inside swirl round and round while listening to Taeyeon ramble on and on with a deep frown. She brought up the glass to her lips and gulped down the liquid in one shot. Tiffany raised an eyebrow as the other girl coolly asked for another drink while Taeyeon’s jaw dropped in shock. No further words were needed, just a steady direct stare, was enough to make the short girl scuttling away to complete the order.

The barefooted girl was left alone. Tiffany smiled to herself as she slid down from her stool to approach the latter. However, a man beat her to it. She frowned and stepped closer while the man began talking to the woman. He put a hand on her waist and leaned down closely to her ear but he was quickly pushed away as she quickly turned around with a glare.

“Woah there, girl. No need to get rough.” His frown turned into a dirty grin again and he walked back towards her. “Well, I like it rough. I just wanted to buy you a drink. To make you feel all better. You would like that wouldn’t you, eh?”

“No.” Her one-worded answer was enough to anger the drunken man. Watching the man’s frown deepening, Tiffany decided it was time to intercept.

“What part of ‘no’ don’t you understand?” The two looked towards Tiffany when she interrupted them. She used this chance to seat herself on the woman’s lap and wrapped her arms around her neck. “Hey honey, you’ve been waiting for long?”

She did not wait for an answer, nor was she expecting one, as she placed her lips over the woman’s and began kissing her hungrily. She heard the man gasp and the empty glass in the hand of the blonde dropped onto the counter with a clunk. If Tiffany was expecting the woman to push her away or to do nothing, she was in for a surprise when she felt an arm securely holding her around the waist, a slender hand on her bare thigh, and her body was pressed between the latter and the edge of the bar counter.

“Woah, Jessica!” Taeyeon exclaimed when she came back with the drink which she almost dropped in surprise. The newcomer’s appearance finally broke apart the two women. Tiffany looked over Jessica’s shoulder and saw the man storming out of the club. Jessica spun her stood around 30 degrees and allowed her to slide off her lap. Tiffany transferred herself to the chair behind her.

“Want a drink?” Jessica asked her as if it was perfectly normal to make out with a complete stranger out of the blue then buy her a drink.

This beautiful stranger had this uncaring and arrogant aura about her but there was something about it that attracted Tiffany; she found it hot.

“Sure.”

Taeyeon nodded but asked her coworker to get the order. She simply did not dare to leave her friend alone for one second in this situation; she has learnt her lesson from what happened a few seconds ago.

Jessica downed another drink in one gulp and gently placed the glass back down. She then leaned forward to reach for the bottle of alcohol.

“Jes—” The bartender tried to take the bottle away from her.

“No, Tae. Save your words.” The woman shook her head and poured herself another cup. “I need this for now.”

“But you’re going to get drunk.” Taeyeon frowned at the act but did not stop her.

Isn’t that the reason why she’s here?Tiffany thought and looked at her own half-filled cup.

“Isn’t that why we all are here?” The woman voiced her thoughts and turned to look at Tiffany with a sad smile. “I just broke up with my girlfriend. Jeez, just give me a break.”

Oohhh, girlfriend huh?Tiffany smiled in understanding.

“Jess—”

“Ahh, I’m drunk!” She exclaimed, interrupting her friend. She stood up unsteadily and looked around the club before turning towards Tiffany. “Hey wanna dance?”

“Me?” Tiffany asked back in surprise.

“Yeah. With me.” Jessica gave her a smile, which almost made her heart skip a beat.

“Sure.” Tiffany flashed back an eyesmile and let herself be pulled onto the dance floor. She watched as the girl closed her eyes and began swaying her body to the beat while never letting go of Tiffany’s hand. She also freed her mind and allowed the music to guide her spirit and body.

They were just two girls mixed in a crowd of sweaty bodies, but in their worlds, there was no one else. All that mattered to them were the pounding rhythm in the head, the feel of one’s body against the other’s, the linked hands that bound them together, and the fleeting kisses that left an undying sensation.

“Jessi…” Tiffany purred into Jessica’s ear with her low husky voice. “Stay with me tonight.”

Jessica let out a soft gasp as she felt the strings tied around her neck becoming loose. The light caresses and bold touches of the woman made her heart beat uncontrollably and filled her body with a warm tingling feeling. She was already getting drunk in the presence of the girl. She reached up with her free hand to prevent her dress from slipping down before whispering back to Tiffany. “Not here. Let’s get out of this place.”

“Your place or mine?” Tiffany retied the strings while murmuring the question against the woman’s lips. Jessica shivered at the tempting touches and closed her eyes to regain control of the emotions rising up inside her.

“Lead the way.”

Tiffany turned around with a smile and pulled the staggering girl out of the crowded dance floor. She stopped when she got to the stairs and let Jessica lean against the wall while she took off her black leather blazer, revealing the body-hugging hot pink tank top which was tucked into her red leopard-print miniskirt. She wrapped the jacket over Jessica’s bare shoulders before bending down to take off her heels.

“Hmm, I love this song.” Tiffany randomly stated, closing her eyes to feel the beat for a second. “I wonder if the DJ will make me fall in love today.”

“Falling in love isn’t that easy or quick. Or else it’s not love.” The other woman replied, also closing her eyes.

“Right. But aren’t there always exceptions for everything?” The hypothetical question got both girls thinking deeply, about their beliefs and experiences.

“What are you doing?” Jessica asked as Tiffany took her arm and slung it around her shoulders, the blazer now covering both girls.

“This way you won’t get cold. I won’t get cold. And you won’t trip over your own feet.” Tiffany smiled brightly and began ascending the stairs, with the hand holding the heels wrapped around the girl’s waist and the other holding onto the hand hanging around her shoulder.

“Why did you take off your shoes?”

Tiffany looked at their bare feet suggestively but shrugged. “Just because.”

Jessica turned to look at Tiffany, unconvinced with the answer, and smiled when her eyes were avoided. She moved her head forward and pecked Tiffany on the cheek, wanting to thank her for her kind and thoughtful acts.

“Hey, what was that for?” Tiffany asked with flushed cheeks, surprised by the random action and her heart flustered by the woman’s gentle smile.

“For being the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.” Jessica’s reply made the pink cheeks turn redder and the lusciously full lips curve up into a smile.

“You’re good with words.” Tiffany complimented back bashfully.

“Oh, I’m good with other things too.” Jessica gave her a wink.

Tiffany rolled her eyes and put on a mischievous grin. “Oh please. I can give you all that that man couldn’t… if you promise to return me with the same.”

Jessica quickly pecked Tiffany’s lips. “Promise sealed.”