I went outside late in the evening, goodness knows why, but I knew it was to do something constructive. My garden's quite majestic; sometimes in the fullness of spring it looks like something pulled straight out of a fairytail. Next thing I know, I'm on my back, lying under the stars in amongst the daffodils, pondering my existence under the ethereal gaze of the moon.

After a little cliché "why am I here?" I started to think about how I've lived my life, albeit short so far, about how closed I was.

There is something about staring at the sky and clearing all your thoughts. I felt calm, sleepy even. And then my real thoughts came, after the gunge and cess of of my every-day stress was expelled. Weight gone from my chest, something I have to release every so often as I would notice it had crept back up to me, I can think truly clearly. I can tell when I've burdened myself by accident again, as my clear thoughts stop, and I become aware of the weight again. I release it using an imaginary flick of my wrist- I can almost visualise a transparent whip of the human feature reach out of my chest, tossing the grain of my worries to the wind. Indeed, it was to the wind; by now, I realise I was shivering.

I had one glove on, hand under my head to keep it off the ground. My other hand, I took the glove off- and I was back to thinking about the way I live my life.

My gloved hand, it was warm and comfortable, in a soft cushion of synthetics. My free hand, it was cold and bare, but I could run it through the rough grass, feel its texture, the moisture of the evening dew and the bumps of stray twigs and earth.

When I closed my eyes, my senses overcame me. My fingers were lost in the miracle that was the existance around me, every nerve tingling. But now, I could feel all over my body- the pressing of my body against the ground. The gentle wind grazing my cheeks. The dew wetting my clothes. How my hair sweeps across my forehead. How my breath cools and warms my lips as I breath in and out.

My eyes stopped stinging. I was not even aware they were stinging until that happened. As they were soothed, my head rested. My body was immersed in feeling, and I loved it. The serenity brought to me so many things I always took for granted, not even noticing day to day- the little things which made everything I know tangible.

I realised I was living as if I were a hand in a glove. Closing myself to my real emotions, and to new people, new places, new oppertunities because of my sheltered lifestyle and the padded walls I've constructed around my heart. I have to be prepared to feel the cold or be chilled to experience the most corporeal, real feelings a human can. How can I really appreciate life and emotion if I don't live it?

When I have the oppertunity to meet new people, go new places, I shouldn't have to be afraid. I know this weight on my chest is being cause by something. What? Anxiety? What is there to be anxious about? What people think, what others will be like? But then again... what of it.

Don't expect to meet a weirdo. Don't be intimidated by the outgoing ones. When you get up the courage- hooray, you're doing it! Now it's time to let go of that weight. It is guaranteed to ruin the experience.

And say you do meet mr. Creeper and his guido cronies. Who cares? You'll never meet the bloke again. Be goofy back, a 'good sport' rather than easy pickings.

They might turn around and talk about you, call YOU the weirdo, but you have nothing to regret, nothing. As far as you're concerned, it never happened. We encounter oddities every day... don't carry them around on your shoulders.

Insecurities are what hold you back socially and in all other aspects of your life. Overcoming your daemons is all part of maturing, part of growing up. You don't want to look back on everything you've done and think 'was that good enough?'

Every day you smile is a success. The weight, you don't need it. But you can't just pan it under the carpet- you have to release it, and this means cutting inner chains which might bind you all through your moral-finding rollercoaster ride. Maybe it will root back to childhood insecurities and experiences. It will always be tough. That weight, heck, it might always be there- but, I promise, it will get lighter. But you have to want it to.

Perhaps it is that inner confused child which is the weight. Perhaps it is deeper anxieties which are holding you back. Facing your daemons is never easy- the ghosts of your past are so real and vivid, because they once were your reality. But you're older, you're strong enough to cope with what you couldn't before. Going out and facing your fears will prove that- and maybe then scars will fade, and confidence will grow. Even if sometimes it doesn't go the way you want it to, when you fall, just get back up again and brush the dust from your knees, maybe get a bandaid or two. I'm not trying to make it sound simple, because it isn't. Certain wounds take time to heal and not just a bandaid. But at the end of the journey, you got somewhere, and if you try, that somewhere can be where you always dreamed.

One day, you won't be around people who can constantly support you. You move out from your parents. This is one of my ultimate weights- my bond with my parents, I can often press to reliance. If I only spend time with them, how will my confidence or emotional intelligence grow? Making new relationships is a huge part of maturing. Judgement and how we act shape and mould what we experience. Not being afraid to bond is a goal. A personal goal.

How can I ever learn to love if I never learn to like... and isn't love everyone's need, the food of the soul, loving each other, isn't it  everyone's eventual goal to fall in love? We need to build relationships to experience love, something so consoling and so powerful it is something no-one can live without. The love of a friend can help heal even the deepest of wounds. Sometimes the meaning of love is lost in a teenager's dreams, boyfriends by the dozen and heartbreakingly young ages. Love is a much deeper thing, and is that the heart of every relationship we have. It is very different to lust and crushes, like some seem to confuse it with. It is the key to happiness- to love even one person enough to call them your friend.