To be honest, the thought of telling you about how I feel has crossed my mind lots of times but I was already content with being your best friend, your confidante, and your safety wife — so long as your attention was focused on me. Call me greedy but I wanted you all to myself. But I was a coward. I never told you how I felt but I wanted to be selfish when it came to you.

I held on to your promise of marriage. It was never a guarantee that we’d actually end up together until we’re old, but I still hoped for it. Without me knowing it, all this time, I’ve been unconsciously wishing that you’ll never find love in another person other than me. But then she happened, your first and only girlfriend. 

Suddenly, I never wanted to settle with what we had. Suddenly, I wanted to have the right to claim you all for myself. But slowly, we drifted apart. I was terrified. I never believed in any god but I desperately prayed to every existing ones known to man to let it be us in the end, but alas, they never listened. In the end, you fell in love with her and I was left wondering what we could’ve been if I only had the courage to tell you that I have fallen for you.

•~•~•~•~•

Year 2011, Third Year College

Something has shifted between me and Willow after my birthday. It’s been months, and things have never been the same since that day. Aside from us getting busier because of tasks when the school year started, she has been spending less time with me. I mean, I get it. Her program is demanding, but she rarely eats lunch with us anymore, or doesn’t join us in our hangouts after school. Heck, she won’t even reply to my texts most of the time. I have even reached the point where I blamed myself for how she’s acting towards me. Thinking that I did something wrong, I spent a considerable amount of time looking back to everything that happened since my birthday, trying to figure out if I said or did something that may warrant this type of treatment from her, but I have thought of nothing at all. Having had enough of her actions recently, I finally decided to confront her today after my classes ended. 

I’m currently standing outside her room, waiting for the bell to ring, signaling the end of her class. I saw her getting surprised when our eyes met pagkalabas n’ya ng room. I immediately walked towards her before she could run off (which she didn’t attempt to do, fortunately). 

“Willow Kim.” I greeted. I could see the guilt on her face when I was finally able to reach her. So she’s aware that she’s in the wrong, huh? I stood in front of her with my arms crossed. “Would you mind explaining to me why you’ve been avoiding me?” 

“I-uhmm, I-I am busy with s-school works.” She stuttered. I raised my eyebrow at her, not satisfied with what I’ve heard. Seconds passed but she didn’t say anything more. My patience was already wearing thin so I decided to drag her towards the end of the hallway where the empty, unused classroom is. I held her shoulders and pinned her against the door once we were inside. I stared at her intensely while she is still refusing to look me in the eye. 

“Did I do something wrong? Answer me, please? Sobrang nag-ooverthink na ako, Willow. May nagawa ba ako para iwasan mo ‘ko?” I begged, my voice getting softer and vulnerable with every word I utter. This is very unusual for us — to avoid each other whenever we fight, to not talk about any misunderstandings, to give each other silent treatment. So her doing all those things is hurting me. I am worried, but also disappointed, because this is the first time she’s ignored me for a long time. 

She finally met my gaze with her soft eyes. I finally let go of her, and that’s when she wrapped her arms around me for a tight hug. I instinctively closed my eyes as I felt the warmth of her body against mine. I missed this. I missed her. 

“I’m sorry, Kayce. I really don’t have any excuse other than the fact that I am busy with the workload that the profs are giving us, plus the fact that dad has been pestering me to start observing and working at the company.” she said while still hugging me tightly. I hummed, conveying that I understood her situation, and buried my face at the crook of her neck, inhaling the scent that I missed the most. 

“Please don’t do that again. Hindi ko na kakayanin. I missed you so much.” I sobbed, finally letting go of all my pent-up frustrations for the past few months. She rubbed my back and kissed the side of my head, whispering her apologies repeatedly, giving me assurance that she won’t do it again. Suddenly, I feel lighter, like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I never knew the situation bothered me this much until I found myself in her arms. 

“Are you gonna go home na? Let me give you a ride home, pambawi sa katangahan ko.” She said once we finally break the hug. I just nodded at her eagerly. Medyo matagal na rin since the last time na hinatid n’ya ako pauwi. Nagulat naman ako when she suddenly grabbed my hand and dragged me palabas ng room papuntang parking area. I immediately grabbed my phone from my pocket to text our driver na hindi na ako magpapasundo. 

Pagkarating namin sa parking, nakita ko naman na ibang sasakyan na ang dala n’ya from the one she had before. Sobrang tagal na ba talaga namin hindi nagkasama to the point na hindi ko alam na may new car s’ya? She must’ve seen the confusion on my face kaya bigla s’yang napatawa. 

“This is my mom’s new car. Nasa casa si Winter. Are you not comfortable with that thought? You can text  your driver to fetch us na lang. I can leave this here.” Winter is the name I gave her car — derived from my favorite season, the season I associate Willow with. She must’ve sensed my hesitation because she knew that I’m not comfortable riding in an unfamiliar car other than our own and Winter. 

“It’s okay, Willy. Ikaw naman ang magd-drive so it’s fine.” Nginitian n’ya naman ako at pinagbuksan ng pinto. Agad naman kaming sumakay pagka-unlock n’ya ng sasakyan. While she was driving, biglang nagring ‘yung phone n’ya. Before I could take a look kung sinong tumatawag, bigla n’yang inilayo ‘yung phone sa akin. Is she hiding something? Kahit na curious ako, I just tried to ignore it and itinuon na lang ang pansin sa bintana. 

When we arrived, agad s’yang lumabas ng kotse at pinagbuksan ako ng pinto like she usually does every time na pinagda-drive n’ya ako. Nginitian ko naman s’ya when our eyes met. 

“Would you like to come inside for a while. Mom made lasagna yesterday. I know it’s your fave.” I offered. Aga naman s’yang tumango. I internally smirked, knowing that she won’t be able to resist mom’s lasagna. Pagkapasok namin, nakita ko naman si mommy na saktong pababa ng stairs. She was surprised when she saw who I was with at agad na napatakbo sa may pinto para salubungin kami.

“Willy! It’s been a while since you came here!” Agad na binigyan ni mom ng mahigpit na yakap at halik sa pisngi si Willow. Ibinaling naman ni mom ang atensyon n’ya sa akin at binigyan din ako ng halik sa pisngi. Bumalik naman agad s’ya kay Willow and wrapped her arm around her shoulder. 

“Such a great timing ‘cause I cooked lasagna yesterday. I even asked Kayce to bring you some kanina but she refused to.” Sabi ni mom while dragging Willow papuntang kitchen. Sumunod naman ako sa likod nila. Third wheel na naman ako. 

“It’s kind of my fault, tita mommy. I was unknowingly ignoring her because I was too busy at school kaya nagtampo s’ya.” Sagot naman ni Willow. We were almost in the kitchen when my mom stopped. Lumingon naman siya sa akin at binigyan ako ng makahulugang ngiti. What is she planning to do?

“Kaya pala iyak nang iyak ‘yan for how many weeks. Akala ko naman kung ano. Ikaw lang pala iniiyakan.” Mom teased. Nanlaki naman ang mga mata ko because of what she said. 

“That’s not true at all!” I denied. Well, I did cry sometimes because I was badly missing her, but my mom didn’t have to expose me like that. Lumingon naman si Willow sa akin with those sad eyes, guilt was evident on her face. Lumapit ito sa akin at niyakap ulit ako. Nakita ko naman ang nanay ko na nakangisi while walking away to prepare the food. I just rolled my eyes at her. 

“I’m sorry, Kayce. I won’t ignore you again. I’ll be more mindful this time. I’ll do my best to inform you if I’m gonna be busy again, hmm? Babawi ako these coming days, yeah?” Pang-aalo ni Willow. I hummed in response. We were still hugging when the sound of the microwave forced us to break away from each other. 

“Food’s ready, kids.” My mom called out. Agad naman kaming nagpatuloy sa paglalakad papuntang kusina. While eating, Willow and I decided to chat about all the things we’ve missed about each other for the past few months. Mom decided to leave us alone ‘cause she still got work-related things to do. 

I later found out that her dad eventually knew about Willow flying to Japan on my birthday kaya as a punishment, her dad made her start working for their company earlier than what they agreed on. 

“So it really was my fault.” I uttered. She suddenly held my hand and looked at me sternly. 

“What I did on your birthday is no one’s fault but mine. I made that choice on my own, and I have no regrets at all. Stop blaming yourself, hmm?” She assured me. I just nodded at her in response. We continued talking about anything and everything under the sun when we were suddenly interrupted by her phone ringing. I looked at her phone screen (out of habit) and inadvertently saw who was calling. She excused herself and went outside to answer her phone. When she went back inside, I saw that she looked pissed but she tried to mask it with a small smile. 

“I need to go now, Kayce. Something urgent came up.” Paalam n’ya pagkabalik sa table. Napatango na lang ako at inihatid na s’ya sa gate. Naglalakad na s’ya papunta sa car n’ya nang bigla s’yang tumalikod at naglakad pabalik sa ‘kin. Did she forget something? Nagulat naman ako when she suddenly hugged me. Hinalikan n’ya naman ako sa noo when we finally broke our hug. 

“I’m gonna fetch you tomorrow. Sabay na tayo papuntang school, huh? Tell tita mommy I said thank you for the lasagna.” Sabi n’ya before giving me one more forehead kiss and walking back papunta sa car n’ya. She waved at me before s’ya pumasok sa sasakyan at nagdrive palayo. 

When I walked back pabalik sa loob ng bahay, I felt lighter than I did for the past few months. Finally, nabunutan na din ako ng tinik. However, one question kept on lingering in my head. 

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