warning: mentions of homophobia and heteronormativity, which i obviously don't support. nothing extreme, but might make you feel uncomfortable, so beware.

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“And then work on this data array, okay?” Donghae’s senior – one of those five people who technically could order him around – finished her speech and looked at him with a smile that could mean too many things. Starting from ‘I’m sorry you have to do so many things on Friday’ and up to ‘You better finish it earlier or things are going to get nasty’. “Do you think you can finish it today?”

The guy let out some air through his lips, blowing his fringe a little as he looked at the data sheet, and he already knew that’s going to be tough.

“I’ll try my best,” he said eventually. “Might need to stay in the office for a few extra hours though.”

“Yes, I understand. It’s okay though because Friday only ends after midnight.” She winked, and Donghae could only smile helplessly. “How about you go to your lunchbreak now, so that you’d start working on this fresh and free?”

“Sounds good, thank you.”

“Then,” the woman looked above her PC monitor and her smile grew wider. “Yumi! You can go and have lunch with Donghae.”

The girl – Yumi – whose hair was styled in a ponytail today looked at both of them in confusion, then made sure to check the clock, yet it only doubled her confusion.

“It’s like… one more hour before lunch?” she mumbled.

“I need Donghae to do something huge for me, so I figured it’d be nice if he had a meal now to not get distracted later,” the other woman explained. “You can go with him.” Her smile changed into something Donghae didn’t know how to understand, “Since you always have a meal together.”

Yumi, on the other hand, seemed to understand those intentions way better as she offered a smile, which – Donghae knew – meant a ‘You’re stupid but my salary depends on you, so here, have a smile instead of me telling you you’re stupid’, then got up and said, “Let’s go have a meal then, Donghae.”

The guy nodded and bowed to his senior before leaving, following Yumi like some kind of lost pup – which he always did – only to bump into her once the girl stopped in the middle of the hallway all of a sudden.

“She’s such a nuisance!” Yumi exclaimed, pretending she didn’t notice Donghae’s ‘Oh!’ after the guy bumped into her. She pretended she didn’t even notice their bodies collided, only turned around with annoyance written all over her face. “I’m so done with her shipping us, really!”

“I assume it has nothing to do with her folding us into the boxes and dispatching to other places.”

Yumi rolled her eyes, yet smiled, “You’re lucky you’re cute or I would’ve slapped you already.” She resumed walking – Donghae followed like a lost pup – and said, “Don’t you think it’s annoying though? The way she thinks we’re together? Or will end up together? Or should end up together? Simply because I’m a woman and you’re a man and we – shocker – talk to each other?”

“I… I do think that the concept in which people think that men and women can either date or don’t talk at all is really weird. Because it’s sad that so many people think such friendship can’t exist.” The girl nodded while listening to him and taking her food out of the company fridge in the kitchen they reached already, meanwhile Donghae got the plates out for them to split the meal. “But I also have to admit I find it extremely flattering that they look at me and assume I could hypothetically get someone as cool as you.”

Yumi’s features softened immediately and she chuckled, “Again, you’re lucky you’re cute. I’m all in for compliments, but give more credit to yourself, okay? You’re quite handsome and super nice. Get some confidence, and I’m sure you can get basically anyone. Dudes like you end up being those non-celebrity husbands of popular idols.”

Donghae chuckled.

He did try giving himself more credit. That’s what Hyukjae wanted him to do as well, after all.

The guy was self-conscious, yet not dumb. He certainly noticed the man was trying to boost his confidence for quite a while already – which made Donghae’s heartbeat increase at the mere thought of it – but… Even though he appreciated it, he’s been living with low self-esteem for as long as he remembered himself. It doesn’t change miraculously. Even if it’s been more than a year now.

Because yes, Donghae did end up getting someone who, in his humble opinion, was even better than any famous idol he knew. The man he had a chance to meet every week was way more handsome than any celebrity Donghae knew, way more attractive and… way more human. Whatever Hyukjae thought of himself, the younger always noticed those little acts of kindness he offered and kept falling for those acts. Kept falling for all random acts, actually.

For the man being lazy to get up in the morning, especially if the week at work was challenging. For his eyes going wide when he was surprised – that perplexed expression made a usually stoic person look almost like a kid. For the way he smirked whenever he caught Donghae staring at him in awe because Hyukjae was very well-aware how handsome he is and what it does to the younger. For the way he could speak and lead the conversation with strangers effortlessly – something Donghae only dreamed of. For being himself.

Donghae kept falling for all of that because those things combined made that man the best for him.

However, although Hyukjae was better than any celebrity, he wasn’t his. Could the guy say he ‘got him’, then? He doubted so. Hyukjae wasn’t his. And he really doubted the man will ever be. And that… wasn’t working well for his confidence boost, to be frank.

Donghae couldn’t tell Yumi any of that though. Because it’d mean revealing Hyukjae’s identity, and that was something he wasn’t allowed to do even to save his life. Which is why he only nodded and kept listening to the girl’s speech for quite a while, up until their food was heated and the two found peace in the small canteen – if that room with four tables could be called that – located on their floor. They had such premises on each of them, although most of the workers preferred getting food in the restaurants or cafes nearby.

“By the way, your birthday is on the upcoming Monday, right?” Yumi asked all of a sudden. “What do you want as a present? Please, don’t say stuff like ‘You being my friend is the best present’ or ‘I’d be happy to get whatever’. I don’t want to give you a plant you’ll be watering while cursing that one girl who gave you this headache, so just tell me what you want.”

Donghae chuckled, “Actually, I have something in mind.”

“Oh, great! Which is?.. Ah! Please, remember that I’m your junior and our salaries are about the same, so don’t ask me for things you can’t afford because trust me – if you can’t afford them, then I can’t even breathe next to them.”

The guy chuckled once again, thinking that Yumi will probably get a raise sooner than he will. He was good at doing his job with numbers and other things that couldn’t talk, but this girl was so skilled when it came to interactions with people. It was a plus point in their company where you need to communicate either with clients or other departments quite frequently.

“Actually, I thought about utensils,” he ended up saying.

“Utensils?”

“Yeah. Some nice set of plates, maybe? And mugs. And chopsticks… Whatever is included. I just realized that mine is very old, half of it got broken with time, which is fine with me, but if I invite someone, that’s…”

Donghae stopped talking and bit his lip, wondering whether it was too much. But last time he couldn’t even offer tea or coffee to Hyukjae because one of the two mugs he had was dirty and the other one was cracked, and neither of them felt right to give to the man. The guy… wasn’t sure the man is going to come to him anytime soon. Or ever. But really, he never considered utensils and cutlery important enough to buy as it was enough for him and no one visited him ever. But what if, just what if… Hyukjae will come again? Wouldn’t it be nice to have a nice cup to offer at least?

Him coming even made Donghae think he could invite Yumi, yet he wasn’t sure how appropriate that was for the two of them, given what their colleagues think. Not like he minded, but… society and its norms were quite hard and weird, don’t you think so?

Seeing his face, Yumi smiled – and that was a ‘Got you!’ kind of smile.

“Got someone to invite to your apartment now?” she asked in a tone that made Donghae giggle nervously.

“Not really,” he said. “Maybe? I mean, if that person came once, there’s always a possibility they might return, don’t you think so?”

“Whoa, whoa! Looks like someone had an eventful evening! Now I understand why you look like this today.”

Donghae tilted his head, “How do I look?”

Yumi put her chopsticks on the plate and then rested the head on her palms, looking at her friend with sparkles in her eyes.

“I kind of assumed it long time ago,” she started, “but you never shared and I didn’t want to be pushy because there’s nothing worse than someone interfering into your personal life, but… You have someone, right?”

The guy gulped. That…

“Me having someone… is not an accurate description of what’s going on between us,” he ended up saying.

Yumi’s eyes sparkled even brighter, “But you have a crush on that person, right? I mean, what I was going to say is that… Donghae, you look so in love today. I mean, you often do, but today…” Her smile became super gentle. “Something good happened yesterday, right?”

Donghae’s cheeks reddened and, seeing that, the girl squealed and hid her face in the palms. He had to focus on his food to not combust because of the embarrassment that captivated him.

“I won’t ask anything,” Yumi said. “Tell me whenever you’re ready. But… I do hope that person makes you happy.”

The guy managed to smile and…

And then he made one of the biggest mistakes in his life.

Apparently, Donghae’s gotten really comfortable with Yumi. She was just like that – very bubbly and cheerful, very nice to be with. That girl was someone Donghae secretly wanted to be, someone he admired just as much as he admired Hyukjae. He really wanted to work on himself and become a bit more like her. More confident. More positive. Not being this bundle of melancholy and insecurities.

Or maybe it happened because he never talked about this situation with anyone. There hardly were people he could discuss his love life with in past, and even when Yumi befriended him they didn’t talk about it much. Mostly because the girl wasn’t too interested in the subject itself and didn’t want to make Donghae uncomfortable by meddling into his business. So, he had no experience in hiding certain things when it came to conversations because he never had conversations about this before.

That’s why he lowered his guard.

That’s how he ended up saying, “He does.”

He.

Donghae didn’t tell Yumi he was gay. Yumi… If someone heard their last conversation only, they’d not believe it, yet that girl wasn’t fond of the idea of relationships. She said she’s proud to be single and doesn’t think that being in relationship equals happiness. There was a long conversation between them when Donghae’s friend talked about how there’s a lack of the singles representation in TV shows, literature, etc., so single people often feel like something is wrong with them if they don’t date, which shouldn’t be the case. Donghae supported her. He himself… he probably needed to be with someone, needed at least pretend that there’s love in his life simply because it made things easier, it made him feel his worth. But he did understand that people are different – someone can’t picture themselves alone, meanwhile someone feels better not being involved into all that romantic stuff.

Which is why they rarely talked about relationships. Yumi once told him that she’ll be happy for him if he gets someone who makes him happy, for she respected him as much as he respected her, and if Donghae felt better being with someone – she was going to support that. Which is why the girl was genuinely excited not long ago. But they didn’t talk about relationships much, they truly didn’t. So, Donghae never told her he’s gay. Because sadly, we don’t live in the world where you can say ‘I like dark coffee and guys’ and be sure everyone will be okay with both. You don’t bring it up casually until you’re sure the person in front of you will be okay with that. At least Donghae’s experience never allowed him to do that; maybe others were luckier.

And now, he let it slip out his tongue like that.

And suddenly, the guy felt like cold sweat covered his entire body.

Donghae could pretend he didn’t mean it. Could correct it to ‘She’ and pretend he said that by accident. But… that’d be so unfair. Both to him and to her. That’d be a lie, and he didn’t want to lie, not to Yumi. Not when he wasn’t entirely honest with her about him and Hyukjae to begin with. Besides… he wasn’t ashamed. Not being ready to come out doesn’t equal to being ashamed of who you are. Donghae wasn’t hiding it because he hated this part of himself.

But still, he wasn’t sure he’s ready for the aftermath of his truth either.

Yumi’s eyes widened for a second, however, her facial expression became normal again.

“Donghae, that’s okay,” she said. “Actually, I…”

“There you are!” they heard a familiar voice, and then saw a guy from their department looking like something horrific just happened. “Leave your food here and finish it later; Mr. Lee and his father are coming to our department!”

Donghae’s eyes widened, and the girl beside him gulped, “Both? Why?”

“I wish I knew! Looks like they’re examining all the departments for a reason. Hurry up!”

Donghae and Yumi looked into each other’s eyes quickly, and then rushed to their office as they didn’t need to be told twice.

There, it almost looked like hell on Earth. Everyone was trying to organize all the objects on their desks, to make sure they looked appropriate and just perfect. Once seeing them, the woman who gave Donghae that hard task asked him and Yumi to clean up their desks and, if there will be time, to organize the shelves with folders.

However, there barely was time for them to finish their desks even. Not even five minutes later they heard the footsteps, and stood up near their desks, bowing politely once their boss, his father and two more people – one was a man in his early 50s and another was a girl in her late 20s – entered their office.

Donghae’s heart was pounding in his chest for too many reasons. Stress, hard work and – obviously – Hyukjae being in the same room. There’s always been something unnerving in the two of them seeing each other at work, and such conditions made things even more unnerving. Not to mention that Hyukjae’s father was here as well, and Donghae never met him before.

The guy’s heart almost stop